Birthday surprise gone wrong

[Buddy Joe]

My pwBPD called me and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday this coming weekend. I told her I just wanted to stay home and spend time with our family. She then wanted to book an overnight stay at the resort, which given our financial struggles as of the moment is not the best plan. I wanted to celebrate in a simple way even if it's my 30th. I also told her that the following weekend, my parents booked an overnight stay for the family so no need to book one this weekend. We can just have dinner then stay home and enjoy each other's company.

When we were on the phone I kept telling her not to book it because the place is too expensive as well. She wasn't talking anymore so I kept saying, "Hello?" No answer. Only to find out she still booked the place even if I explicitly said told her not to. She needed to put the phone down to attend to her daughter.

We shifted to WA and continued the conversation there. I asked her why she still booked it when I said I didn't want to go and I had other plans for my birthday.

> Her reasons were it's my birthday and it's boring if we just spent it that way.
> She wanted to make it special.
> It's her money so she can spend it however she wanted.

She booked on Agoda and told me it wasn't refundable. I told her let's just find a way and I would help her contact the resort since we've been there a lot and we have an account manager that can possibly help out. She kept dismissing my suggestions and blocking me off that she didn't want to discuss it anymore. I kept expressing how grateful I was and I knew she only meant well. I told her I don't want her to feel bad about it. The moment I started giving out suggestions so we can compromise, she wouldn't entertain it. At the latter part she said she was in shock because I rejected her gift. Then took it back and said that was just a joke.

Not to mention she said that her priority was what I wanted and not what she preferred. CONTRADICTING SINCE SHE BOOKED IT EVEN IF I SAID NO. Money was not an issue for her no matter how expensive it was because her point was it's worth it because it was for me. I do love that but I already told her not to book it.

1. If we can't cancel it, then let's go this Friday.
2. If we can reschedule it, then let's set it for another weekend.

But she just said she'll give it to her friends instead and surely those friends of hers would highly appreciate it and enjoy their stay there.

I told her by saying those things to me made me feel ungrateful or unappreciative of her efforts. That her friends would be happier. Even if she didn't say it directly that's how it impacted me. I've been telling her how her words affect me. Saying this certain thing was unnecessary or by saying that it just adds more fuel to the fire.

After messaging we talked on the phone and this is where it got out of hand. I was doing my best to maintain my composure but lo and behold she tried again to pull my strings to get me to retaliate. I already told her that I do not appreciate her tone and the things she is saying are not helpful. Best to just cut the call and just talk tomorrow. She just kept going and going. I told her I am choosing not to engage so we do not fight over this all the more.

"I can't believe I have to see you this Friday (my birthday). Something like this we're already fighting about what more when we see each other in person. I'm so scared of you. I don't want to see you."

I told her I can't believe you just said that when my birthday is coming up.

She ended the phone call by telling me that she hates me so much and this is not really working out.

Then messages me on WA, "What time and where are we meeting up this Friday?" I didn't reply. Calls me and tells me she left me a message. I told her that's all you can tell me after telling me that you hate me. She puts the phone down. Calls me again and said she's not yet sleepy and wanted to chat. I said, I'd rather stay on the phone. Did a bit of small talk and asked her if she was okay already since her tone changed. She said no but she called because she wasn't sleepy yet.

I was so furious deep down because I said I didn't want to go and yet forced upon her decision on me. If she didn't do that to begin with we wouldn't be fighting and having this rebooking/refund/reschedule problem AT ALL. And her feelings won't be hurt and so are mine. But lo and behold, I am again at the losing end. It's a problem she created but indirectly blamed me for not accepting it and that other friends of hers would appreciate it more.

I am so fed up.

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[Turkish]

Is it the money, or more that you feel invalidated like she's not listening and being controlling?

[Buddy Joe]

Is it the money, or more that you feel invalidated like she's not listening and being controlling?

Hi, Turkish! 

My main reason why I didn't want her to book it was that it's way beyond our budget. Perhaps if we were at a better place then it would have been fine. We spent my birthday there last year. She booked it beforehand and surprised me. We had a swell time there last year.

She did not listen to me and still pushed for what she wanted despite me telling her that I wanted to spend this year differently. So up until now we're not okay because she felt as if all I've been doing was dissing her and that she made a mistake. My efforts of telling her that I knew she meant well and all we can do now is compromise. But looks like she doesn't want to compromise and she wants to deal with it on her own since it's her money anyway. I kept telling her that I won't allow it, we should deal with this together and she shouldn't carry all that burden.

Back in the cycle of me not understanding her and all I think about is myself. That I was the one who got hurt when she got hurt too. I'm so tired of this cycle. She was the one who pushed for it and now she's passing the blame on me that I rejected her gift. I feel like such a bad person that she feels that way. That's what I've been trying to avoid. For her to get me something I didn't want.

[Turkish]

This is likely more about her than you.  You're mostly coming from a logical mindset though your emotions are triggered. Switching to WA seems a way to remain in control, but she's not likely trying to control you rather than asuaging her feelings about how things should go.

A pwBPD feels worthless and unlovable deep down. She's trying to do something nice for you, but it's all feelings. It's not bad, but not wise given your finances.

 It's certainly very frustrating for her to offer it to her friends. That they'd surely highly appreciate it is her way of telling you that she needs to be highly appreciated and that she'll find a proxy if you don't.

If it's non refundable, how do you feel about going anyway?

[Buddy Joe]

This is likely more about her than you.  You're mostly coming from a logical mindset though your emotions are triggered. Switching to WA seems a way to remain in control, but she's not likely trying to control you rather than asuaging her feelings about how things should go.

We normally switch to WA when we argue and we're apart. I prefer this more so we can avoid raising our voices. I can't handle her outbursts and at least via messenger it's just monotonous. Yes, I was coming from a logical standpoint and I got shocked when she still booked it despite me saying no.

It's certainly very frustrating for her to offer it to her friends. That they'd surely highly appreciate it is her way of telling you that she needs to be highly appreciated and that she'll find a proxy if you don't.

I told her I didn't appreciate how she injected her friends into the discussion. I frankly told her that I felt like she just told me indirectly that she'll give to other people who would appreciate it more than I do. And she said that wasn't her point but just so it won't go to waste and she will give it to her closest friend.  But I know deep down that's not the case.  But she will never admit to it. I've noticed this ever since before. The tendency of telling me things indirectly would be open to interpretation and she would get mad at me for seeing it that way.

If it's non refundable, how do you feel about going anyway?

I kept telling her we should compromise since it's already there. She said she doesn't want to because she knows I don't want to go. And this baffles me because she wanted to give me something I wanted that's why she's not pushing it anymore that we should go. And yet she decided on her own to book it and without honoring my sentiments.

[Buddy Joe]

[Continuation]

Now, she wants to break up with me again because of our fight. According to her all I did was tell her that it was her fault. We keep going back to the same issue because she doesn't want to move forward to compromise instead. And I'm annoyed that she's passing the blame because she feels bad now for booking it and insisting what she wanted to happen. If she didn't book it, we could have avoided the situation. But since it's there already all we can do is compromise.

She told me again to look for a normal girlfriend who listens to me. She apologized for ruining my birthday more reasons than one. She doesn't want to go to my birthday anymore and that we should break up this Thursday during our couples therapy session to make it official.

[Turkish]

Ugh. That's a whole lot of mess that escalated.

What do you want to do?

[Buddy Joe]

Ugh. That's a whole lot of mess that escalated.

What do you want to do?

She's at work right now and told me that her colleagues are asking if she's okay since she was already tearing up while messaging me. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. If I should just let her be? Call her? I'm lost.

[SinisterComplex]

Well Joe my friend here is what I see...

You are still trying to treat the relationship like it contains 2 normal people. You want reciprocity, but it just isn't there. Additionally, she cannot handle too much at all. The harsh reality is that in order for this to work you truly have to have the patience of a saint and you need to have the mentality that your frame remains strong and consistent always. Essentially, you have to be perfect. You cannot relent.

My meaning...you are giving her too much control. She is running with it and pinballing...this is common and typical. Look I know and understand how hard this is, but something you have to take into consideration is that you have to be willing to take a stance on most issues where you lead and say hey this is how it is...period. You don't like it there is the door. Do you have to use that language? No. However, plant the seed in your mind. Always be willing to walk away and choose yourself. Never allow yourself to get dumped on and be a doormat. You may think this sounds counterproductive, but in most cases it won't be. You have to have the confidence to call people on their S !

Her goal despite what you may think is to destabilize you. She wants emotionally charged situations because then she is in control. You need to refrain from feeding into that and be firm and indifferent. You cannot approach the relationship through a logical lens. That will lead you to madness and a lot of heartbreak.

Now, what you can do...come here and vent and then you can share your logical views.

Moving onto your last response...do not chase her. Let things play out how they are going to play out. You can only control you. So go about your business and do YOU. If you get baited into the chase game you'll get punished even worse later on. So, you are better off letting things play out without too much intervention from yourself. Have the plan to continue on with your daily life the best you can.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Buddy Joe]

You are still trying to treat the relationship like it contains 2 normal people. You want reciprocity, but it just isn't there. Additionally, she cannot handle too much at all. The harsh reality is that in order for this to work you truly have to have the patience of a saint and you need to have the mentality that your frame remains strong and consistent always. Essentially, you have to be perfect. You cannot relent.

I’m guilty of such since I try to use logic when she has episodes. It’s like an angel dating the devil. I am sorry for my reference. But no matter how bad it gets, whatever she says or do is excusable. But when I f up, it will be used against me for many years.

My meaning...you are giving her too much control. She is running with it and pinballing...this is common and typical. Look I know and understand how hard this is, but something you have to take into consideration is that you have to be willing to take a stance on most issues where you lead and say hey this is how it is...period. You don't like it there is the door. Do you have to use that language? No. However, plant the seed in your mind. Always be willing to walk away and choose yourself. Never allow yourself to get dumped on and be a doormat. You may think this sounds counterproductive, but in most cases it won't be. You have to have the confidence to call people on their S !

This is hilarious. I recall her telling me that she needs a partner who is selfless and genuinely understands her. She doesn’t need a doormat. The thought of a doormat to her was disgusting. And yet here I am, I do feel like one. The moment I began to love myself more and set boundaries that was the time she started telling me that I love her less and all I think about is myself.

Her goal despite what you may think is to destabilize you. She wants emotionally charged situations because then she is in control. You need to refrain from feeding into that and be firm and indifferent. You cannot approach the relationship through a logical lens. That will lead you to madness and a lot of heartbreak.

I will definitely take note of this. That’s why it’s best to pause the conversation and not engage with her any further. She just thinks I abandon her when that happens.

Now, what you can do...come here and vent and then you can share your logical views.

I honestly feel a lot better after joining this community. The continued support is just overwhelming.

Moving onto your last response...do not chase her. Let things play out how they are going to play out. You can only control you. So go about your business and do YOU. If you get baited into the chase game you'll get punished even worse later on. So, you are better off letting things play out without too much intervention from yourself. Have the plan to continue on with your daily life the best you can.

So I just let her be?

[Buddy Joe]

[Update]

I can’t believe that because of this thing she did I am the one at the losing end of things. She said she won’t go to my birthday and is just looking forward to the closure the day before my birthday. She wants to do it during our couples therapy. And still pushing to give it to her friends instead of allowing me to compromise and still go so it won’t go to waste. We can’t refund it and reschedule it.

Was I wrong to react that way?  Was I wrong to question why she pushed through with the booking given that she already knows I didn’t want to go? She admitted that while I was on the phone with her that she wasn’t listening and just decided on her own. She just wanted to do something nice for me and yet this is how she’s processing it. I’m now the bad guy for speaking my mind.

[SinisterComplex]

So I just let her be?

Yes. She has to come to you on her own terms. If she doesn't you just have to accept that. If you try to push for anything or if you think you have any control over the situation you do not. You only have control over YOU and how you respond.

This is a great exercise for getting comfortable with outcome independence. In essence, if things end will you be hurt? Well obviously, but ultimately you are going to be ok and you will have to continue on and new doors will open...that is how life works. The point is to be consistent in your approach regardless of the outcome. Now you may want things to go a certain way, but you always have to plan in your mind that things may not go according to plan. Do not emotionally invest on certain outcomes...that is what leads to more grief and more pain and ultimately will take you longer to get over.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Buddy Joe]

Yes. She has to come to you on her own terms. If she doesn't you just have to accept that. If you try to push for anything or if you think you have any control over the situation you do not. You only have control over YOU and how you respond.

For the longest time, I knew for a fact that she won’t fight for me or for us. She explicitly told me that she is just still with me because I like her. Until I don’t like her anymore then that’s the time she’ll be gone. This is coming from a place that my sister hates her. My pwBPD is friends with my sister. That sister of mine has a girlfriend of 7-8 years at that time. I had no clue that liking my pwBPD would struck a nerve. Apparently she kept it all to herself that she has hidden desires for my girlfriend. So she would tell me that she will not fight for us because she’s a monster and my life would be better off with a normal person.

I hate this setup because I know she fought for the others. But not once in our entire relationship did she go to my house just to talk. She would always use it as her reason that because my family doesn’t accept her. That’s just my sister and my brother who has a mental disorder too. Since he just copies whatever my sister does. Blind loyalty even if my sister uses our brother as a means of amusement not love. But my parents and 2 other siblings warmly welcomes her and her kids.

I’ve been chasing after her because I know she won’t budge. At certain points in our relationship I felt so pathetic for always begging or chasing after her. It feels like I’m indispensable. She also admitted to me that she enjoys the chase. It gives her that fuzzy feeling of wanting to be needed.

[SinisterComplex]

For the longest time, I knew for a fact that she won’t fight for me or for us. She explicitly told me that she is just still with me because I like her. Until I don’t like her anymore then that’s the time she’ll be gone. This is coming from a place that my sister hates her. My pwBPD is friends with my sister. That sister of mine has a girlfriend of 7-8 years at that time. I had no clue that liking my pwBPD would struck a nerve. Apparently she kept it all to herself that she has hidden desires for my girlfriend. So she would tell me that she will not fight for us because she’s a monster and my life would be better off with a normal person.

I hate this setup because I know she fought for the others. But not once in our entire relationship did she go to my house just to talk. She would always use it as her reason that because my family doesn’t accept her. That’s just my sister and my brother who has a mental disorder too. Since he just copies whatever my sister does. Blind loyalty even if my sister uses our brother as a means of amusement not love. But my parents and 2 other siblings warmly welcomes her and her kids.

I’ve been chasing after her because I know she won’t budge. At certain points in our relationship I felt so pathetic for always begging or chasing after her. It feels like I’m indispensable. She also admitted to me that she enjoys the chase. It gives her that fuzzy feeling of wanting to be needed.

Read back to yourself what you typed out to me. Seeing anything that rings a bell for you?

Chasing after her gives her that fuzzy feeling of wanting to be needed. What do you do? She baits you and you follow right along and chase, chase, chase. Do you think this dynamic will ever change?

Also, not to slight you, but I think what you were meaning to say is that you feel you are dispensable (no value, can be tossed aside like garbage)...not indispensable (high value, cannot be replaced).

Again, please be kind to you and don't be so hard on yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Buddy Joe]

Chasing after her gives her that fuzzy feeling of wanting to be needed. What do you do? She baits you and you follow right along and chase, chase, chase. Do you think this dynamic will ever change?

The only thing that changed would be her initiating a phone call when we fight since we just message on WA. I think she gets pissed when it gets dragged on for like a week. She reaches out but eventually pins me down for choosing messaging over phone calls. My love according to her is substandard. After that I tried calling more instead of messaging. But still that’s her thing, she would apologize but eventually find fault in me afterwards.

Also, not to slight you, but I think what you were meaning to say is that you feel you are dispensable (no value, can be tossed aside like garbage)...not indispensable (high value, cannot be replaced).

Again, please be kind to you and don't be so hard on yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you, SC! Yes, dispensable. This saddens me so much.

[Notwendy]

How we relate to money has an emotional component. So while looking at numbers makes logical sense, it doesn't address the feelings. I think we have all seen people manage money in ways that doesn't correlate with the amount of money they have.

I don't know what your long range goals are with this relationship- but I think it's important to understand that you can not control or change your partner's internal emotional make up and that it impacts her behavior and decisions. I think people come to this board hoping we have some way of changing the pwBPD. We ourselves can learn better relationship skills and this may reduce the drama between two people, but it doesn't change them.

Your post caught my attention because my BPD mother liked to arrange elaborate and expensive birthday celebrations for my father that he didn't actually want and were beyond the budget. How she spends money is emotionally driven.

BPD mother needs validation and I think the emotions behind her wanting to have elaborate celebrations are to show what a wonderful and caring wife she is in a way people will notice. Money is a way she feels valued. If she is able to have expensive items it shows how much my father values her. She seems to "need" this kind of validation. My father earned a decent living but he was a low maintenance person and didn't need these things.

Before we understood BPD issues or dynamics, we did a naively stupid thing by trying to "rescue" Dad from one of these birthday events. BPD mother had arranged an elaborate celebration at an expensive restaurant for several of their friends. Dad was stressed over this but he also didn't want the consequence of saying no to her.

So we "ruined" the party by saying we- their children and our families will not attend. That was socially unacceptable in terms of the appearance. The party was cancelled and we arranged a casual celebration at their house instead and arranged for casual refreshments. As you can imagine, this was one big mess as she was angry at us.

Sometimes the logical reason isn't the same as the emotional one, and the emotional one is not obvious. There was more to this birthday party than we could see at the time because we were thinking logically- it's Dad's birthday- what would he want? But apparently this party met some kind of emotional need for BPD mother.

Your partner had some kind of emotional need behind this weekend away, and when you disagreed with her, this invalidated her. At this point - no reasoning, no logical discussion was possible because her reaction and need is emotional. It all went downhill after that. In addition, you reacted emotionally too. You were thinking "it's my birthday- if she wants to do something for me, why don't I have any say in it" and you got your feelings hurt and now both of you are emotionally reacting to each other.

You are looking at money logically, but there's an emotional component to her decisions.

[Buddy Joe]

Hi, Notwendy! Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It gave me another perspective that yes we cannot change them but lessen the drama instead.

At this point, it was too late for me to empathize with her. If I were in her shoes, I would get hurt if my partner didn’t like my gift. If I just look at it in that sense without the other factors like she deciding for me even if it was my birthday. For the past 3 years she does raise the bar by flying us out in another country or booking a hotel for the weekend. The only difference this time around was she asked me first but still decided on her own. Up to this point there’s no going around it. I tried to apologize for hurting her feelings and if we could compromise. This connects the dots because she also mentioned that she’ll give it to her friends instead because surely they would enjoy them and appreciate the gesture. And so it won’t go to waste. I found those comments unnecessary like she’s trying to tell me something but insists it wasn’t a remark made to irk me.   #MyBrainIsExploding

My pwBPD’s mom has BPD too. Come to think of it she loves giving out expensive gifts to her family, friends and strangers. She gives out expensive staycations in a hotel as if it was nothing. I think this feeds her BPD supply. Everyone in their family loves her because of how generous she is. She is the matriarch in the fam. Gave a house and cars to all her siblings. Paid for all of her nephews and nieces tuition. She was the backbone of the family. But the moment you go against her wishes, she would bring up how ungrateful they were. Things should always go her way. Similar to my pwBPD. Her way or the highway.

My pwBPD would treat her colleagues even if she is struggling financially. Her reason would be she has more and her colleagues are the breadwinners of their respective families. After that I just didn’t say anything anymore. I’m sure she gets a dopamine kick from that. I mean there’s nothing wrong but the thing is after a night out she would complain about her expenses. And I’d just be quiet and keep all the remarks to myself, “then why did you have to pay for everyone?”

[Notwendy]

I encourage you to be less emotionally reactive - less taking this personally- to her comments when she's upset. They are projections of her discomfort, not about you.
I know that is easier said them done, but the more you can ignore them, the better you will feel.

You seem quite involved with this person and wish to continue to be so it can help to understand the Karpan triangle and how your pwBPD takes victim perspective. Victim perspective is a preferred role as it abdicates the person of any responsibility and avoids shame. One does not blame a victim. Even though she's not truly a victim, emotionally she sees it this way. You are either persecutor or rescuer in relation to her. This also is common in family dynamics.


Her BPD mother is overly generous but what happens when she doesn't get her way- she gets to be victim to her ungrateful family. "Look how much I do for you". It may appear generous but it's also self serving. This may not be conscious on her part.

It is possible that your partner, without being conscious of it, set up this drama between the two of you to fit her emotional needs, because drama is the way family members in these disordered families relate to each other. It's what they know. You can see how we jumped into rescuer role to try to help my father. That was Karpman triangle dynamics. We perceived Dad in victim mode - victim of my mother's spending money. But Dad was not a victim, he could have said no. He earned the money. But he can't have victim role- that belongs to BPD mother. When we stepped in to rescue him, we stepped into persecutor role to BPD mother and that didn't go well.

Here's the clue- your partner didn't just reserve the weekend and present it as a gift to you. She asked you first and when you said no- went ahead and booked it anyway- in a non refundable way. That was an "invitation to the crazy party" as I have heard it called and you joined in. This drama is a connecting point for her. She may not even be conscious of her doing it. Yet, she did it with kindness- just as this was role modeled for you and so victim perspective kicked in " I was just doing something nice for you and you didn't appreciate it (me). I will gift this to someone else because they will appreciate it (me).

Your task is to see these patterns and not participate by taking on either rescuer or persecutor role. How to do this may not seem obvious but the way to do it is to not react emotionally.

Likewise, I can't do something nice for my BPD mother as this doesn't fit the dynamics. I actually hosted a nice party for her, paid for it, and everyone seemed to enjoy it but
before the party she got angry at me, almost refused to attend but decided at the last minute to attend, then afterwards told me that I upset her.

Wow that was hurtful. I put effort into this event to make it as nice as I could for her, and yet this is how she responded. I admit to having an emotional feeling to this comment. We are only human and it's hurtful. But I didn't react or respond to it with an answer, I didn't argue, I didn't JADE. That avoids the triangle. I didn't plan the party for it to change her feelings. I did it because I wanted to do it - for my own value system- to do something nice for her. But I can not have expectations of how she will feel or respond.

I hope this helps you reduce some of the drama in your interactions with your partner.

[Buddy Joe]

You seem quite involved with this person and wish to continue to be so it can help to understand the Karpan triangle and how your pwBPD takes victim perspective. Victim perspective is a preferred role as it abdicates the person of any responsibility and avoids shame. One does not blame a victim. Even though she's not truly a victim, emotionally she sees it this way. You are either persecutor or rescuer in relation to her. This also is common in family dynamics.

Thank you for pointing this out. I read about it after reading your replies. I don't want to be both but for her she really wants me to be the rescuer.

Her BPD mother is overly generous but what happens when she doesn't get her way- she gets to be victim to her ungrateful family. "Look how much I do for you". It may appear generous but it's also self serving. This may not be conscious on her part.

I see how there are instances wherein they do something to be self serving. Tricky thing to discuss with my pqBPD because I did open up about it before and she took it the wrong way. So I never brought it up again. She also just thinks her mom is so generous and yet buys the friendships for validation. My dad does the same thing. Sadly.

Yet, she did it with kindness- just as this was role modeled for you and so victim perspective kicked in " I was just doing something nice for you and you didn't appreciate it (me). I will gift this to someone else because they will appreciate it (me).

I have difficulty with this. I didn't start this conundrum and yet she still found a way to flip things and eventually make me feel guilty.

Likewise, I can't do something nice for my BPD mother as this doesn't fit the dynamics. I actually hosted a nice party for her, paid for it, and everyone seemed to enjoy it but
before the party she got angry at me, almost refused to attend but decided at the last minute to attend, then afterwards told me that I upset her.

Wow that was hurtful. I put effort into this event to make it as nice as I could for her, and yet this is how she responded. I admit to having an emotional feeling to this comment. We are only human and it's hurtful. But I didn't react or respond to it with an answer, I didn't argue, I didn't JADE. That avoids the triangle. I didn't plan the party for it to change her feelings. I did it because I wanted to do it - for my own value system- to do something nice for her. But I can not have expectations of how she will feel or respond.

I can see the pattern too with the mom of my pwBPD. But her are other examples: Her mom decides last minute. Sometimes she would lash out in front of everyone and no one can go up against her since she is the matriarch of the family. One misdemeanor and all her good graces for you will vanish. She can treat you nice again like nothing happened.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother does this too.

Consider that your partner has a bit of a double whammy here- BPD and also raised by a BPD mother. I don't have BPD but still, being raised in these dynamics, children learn certain behaviors that are functional in their FOO but dysfunctional as adults in adult relationships.

We tend to choose people who match us emotionally in some way. On your part, you may have rescuing/enabling tendencies, and for your partner, she wants to be rescued. But both roles lead to dysfunction.

Unfortunately, introspection and looking at one's own behavior is difficult, and sometimes not possible, for someone with BPD. I think it can lead to a lot of shame for them. This leaves the person who is able to self examine as the one with the potential to change their own behavior. We can't change someone else but we can work on ourselves. Sometimes this changes the dynamics in the relationship. It's a risk though as this makes it possible that the relationship won't be the emotional match it was. However, it opens the possibility that the dynamics become less disordered.

You've posted several ways these dynamics show themselves- how your partner verbally insults you, is nicer to friends than she is to you. My mother does these things too. Yet, the source is how she perceives the people she is connected to. It's more about her than them. Although her comments and behaviors are hurtful- of course they are- you care about her- they are more about her than you. Emotionally reacting to her fuels the drama.

It doesn't mean accepting her behavior and just keeping your mouth shut. But actions are more effective than words. I wonder if your partner had booked the place before she called you to ask. You stated your preference. Then she said "well I will just give it to friends who will appreciate it" ----- that comment is the one that set you off emotionally. Your reaction added emotional fuel to the drama- this is what pulled you in. She had the power to push your buttons here.

Now who owns the button? You do and the good thing about that is that- you can control this.

In the Karpman triangle, it's likely you will be the "bad guy". Get used to it.

The other option when she said she'd "gift this to her friends" could be " I understand your feelings are hurt that I didn't want to go on this weekend and there's no refund possible. Is it possible to reschedule it? Even if there's a cancellation fee, I'd love to do this at another time"

Then the "no, going to give it to someone who will appreciate me" - and you could say "I understand you feel they will appreciate it. I think they will too"

Then disengage from the conversation " Thank you for thinking about me- I need to go back to work now. See you later, love you, bye"