BPD girlfriend (Now ex) of 6 months leaves me unexpectedly. Please help me

[Dream_WRLD]

My bpd girlfriend (now ex) of 6 months and I were supposed to go to the festival this past Saturday but she cancelled last minute (literally the day before) stating she now, “didnt have the funds” to go. Okay that’s fine no biggie, I understand. The day of the festival she says to me that some of her co-workers invited her to the local bar to listen to the local bands for awhile.
I leave her place at 3:30pm to go run errands for the day.

Prior to these events she told me to hide some money she kept away so that she wouldn’t spend it, but then calls me later asking where I put it. I tell her where it is, tell her to have fun & be safe. She goes out at 6:30pm.

I usually spend the night at her place on the weekends for we do not see each other throughout the week. I tell her later in the evening to just let me know when she’s going to be home so that I can start my 45min-hour drive to her and I’m not out too late driving.

I get done with my errands and such around 8pm, I don’t hear from her until midnight saying she’s still “out and about”.

I now feel hurt considering she said she was only going to go the bar to see the local bands and then come home but is now “out and about.” I also feel hurt considering the fact we were supposed to go to the festival together and figured she would at least want to spend some time with me that evening to make up for missing the festival.

I then text her saying that, “if you're going to be out any later, then I’m just going to stay home because I don’t want to be out driving late.”

She texts me back at 2:30am telling me goodnight then asking if I’m mad, to which I give her a phone call.

I tell her that I felt very unappreciated and that I just wanted to spend some time with her this weekend considering we weren’t able to go to the festival together. I also tell her that I don’t appreciate being told that she’s only going to one place for a little while to see local bands but then is “out and about” and doesn’t come home until 2:30am. She says it’s not a big deal and I shouldn’t even be mad. I tell her that she would be definitely be mad if I did that to her. I let her know that I wished she would just take my time into consideration, considering I have to drive almost an hour to go see her and not wanting to drive to her at 2:00am to just go to bed when I get there and not spend any time with her. I wish that she appreciated spending time with me just as much as I do with her.

She hangs up mid phone call. I then get a text later saying, “I’m on my way.” I’m thinking she’s coming over to talk to me about what happened.

She comes to my house at 4:00am with my backpack I left at her house the previous night to get through the weekend, drops it off on my doorstep and starts walking toward her car. Not saying a word. I’m now confused and don’t understand what’s going on, I try to get her to talk to me about what’s going on. I just wanted to tell her how I was feeling & have her hear me out after what happened but she just keeps going toward her car. She gets in her car, I try and stop her, telling her that she’s not thinking straight, that I just wanted to tell her how I felt and that she’s doing something she will regret in the heat of the moment. I told her that I wanted her to just talk to me and she leaves.

I try calling her, no response. Try texting her, pleading her to come back and talk to me about what’s going on; no response. She texts me “Stop talking to me & don’t try to communicate with me any longer. Don’t try coming over to my place or I’ll call the cops”

I talked to her grandmother just today and she told me that my bpd partner has been trying “find an out” for some time now. I don’t know why, I’ve been so supportive of her, her bpd, and other medical conditions. I’ve only been trying to understand her as an individual. Giving her tools to help improve her mental health, (books, talk segments, etc.) I have never been abusive in any way shape or form. Only supportive. So I don’t know why she would feel this way about me. My bpd ex has commitment issues & I know this considering her mother & father have them too(now divorced). She was supposed to move in with me this past month but backed out last minute. I reassured her that it’s okay considering that’s a big step & I would be patient. That we can take our time with the relationship & the offer stands whenever she is ever ready. That I would also give her her space whenever she needed it.

I don’t understand why her grandmother would say this because when we were spending time together this past Friday, she texted me before I left work saying she, “couldn’t wait to tell me about her day ” I get there and she’s ecstatic telling me all about her day, things were great. Then afterward told me she loved me right before bed. She was so close to me that evening. Things were going so good. But then I hear this just today. I don’t know what or who to believe and what not to believe anymore.

I know this is long winded and I’m sorry, I just don’t understand what’s going on. I am confused & extremely hurt. She hasn’t talked to me since. Please help me understand. I feel so lost. What do I do?

[DarkKnight]

You have come to a good place to talk.  Ok to be long winded-- get it all out.  Best thing you can do for yourself.   My story is oh so so so similar of my last weekend with my ex-pwBDP after 17 months and being engaged.   Unfortunately its too hard to make sense of it-- cause we dont have what they have mentally and cant understand what goes on inside of them.   I am still learning-- I am 2 months of NC including blocking all social media -- and feel I am in a very good place by educating myself and realizing none of this was about me --- its just what happens in these type of relationships.  I am sure there are others more educated than me that will chime in here for you as well.  Take care of yourself-- love yourself --- hopefully all works out for the best for you however it turns out. 

[Buddy Joe]

I tell her that I felt very unappreciated and that I just wanted to spend some time with her this weekend considering we weren’t able to go to the festival together. I also tell her that I don’t appreciate being told that she’s only going to one place for a little while to see local bands but then is “out and about” and doesn’t come home until 2:30am. She says it’s not a big deal and I shouldn’t even be mad. I tell her that she would be definitely be mad if I did that to her. I let her know that I wished she would just take my time into consideration, considering I have to drive almost an hour to go see her and not wanting to drive to her at 2:00am to just go to bed when I get there and not spend any time with her. I wish that she appreciated spending time with me just as much as I do with her.

Hi, Dream! I can completely empathize with what’s happening to you. It feels like s to go through that. My pwBPD hates it when I think logically or when I try to make sense of what she’s saying and doing. I told my girlfriend before that I’m sure you wouldn’t want that done to you and yet you do it. Then she explodes! Whatever it is. I’d be scared as s if I was just a minute late to pick her up because she would make a fuss about it going home. One night she asked me to pick her up from her company’s event at 10:30pm. I arrived at 10:33pm and kept calling her 2 phones. 15-20mins later she didn’t pick up. She knew my ETA. This for me is as simple as someone who doesn’t respect my time that’s why it irks me. She just dismisses me by saying, “this is the reason why I don’t like it when you pick me up. Next time I’ll just bring a car.” You see? Now it’s my fault for complaining and comparing. She insists that we are 2 different people and it can’t ever be 50-50. So this is where things get distorted. My only point then was asking when it’s convenient for her it should be understood and I shouldn’t complain. But when I’m at the losing end, given the similar situation, she still finds a way to find fault in me. My issues gets buried and now we have a new problem. And by having this view on things, she labels me as someone who likes getting back at her for bringing up the past. When I use it as a reference to further understand her side. This always fails. It’s so difficult to make sense of her behavior. I’m afraid I never will.

[Buddy Joe]

— as long as it is in her favor, she would gladly embrace it. The moment you go against the waves and trigger her, that’s the end of it. She will spiral and blame you.

That’s why trying to be logical doesn’t work. And it is so hard to look at it objectively when clearly in your head it’s a simple as that. But for her? It’s complex. She won’t budge and stand her ground. I feel like my pwBPD just tells me what she wants me to hear that’s why she plays the victim card and degrades herself. Me feeling all down gets pushed back because now I have to console her and set my own disappointment/sadness/frustrations aside. In short, your only priority is her and not even yourself.

[Dream_WRLD]

Hi everyone, thank you for posting here. It makes me feel heard for I was losing hope no one would comment on here.

Here's my update on this situation. Sorry i've been away. Just been thinking.

Sunday I went over to her place later on in the evening, 10pmish and dropped off the engagement ring and wedding band I went had made for her prior in her mailbox with a note saying that I was sorry I made her feel a certain way because I was hurt & I know her feelings are hard to understand right now.

We were talking about getting engaged for so long prior to these events, talking about moving in together & having children with one another. I wanted her to feel special and that I really was listening to her when she talked about her "perfect ring". I got them made with every specification & dream she ever came up with or told me about because I truly do love her, wanted her to know how much she meant to me, and that I'm always listening to her. I couldn't stand the sight of them or the thought of them still being in my wall-safe or in my possession. So I caved and went over to drop them off.

This past Monday, I went over to her apartment in the afternoon to see if she was there because I still wanted her to know that I cared about her & hadn't abandoned her. I knocked, no one was there, but I saw the apartment had broken things strewn across it.
But there were some things that weren't broken at all, but placed on the floor with no damage what-so-ever.

My portrait of her that I had made as a gift was taken off of the wall and placed beside the fridge, our collage of broken things she made for us to remind us both that we are not perfect but when put together things are still beautiful was only taken apart and pieces were laid on her kitchen peninsula.

But what I don't understand is that the engagement ring, the wedding band, and note were just sitting on her coffee table with the note sat next to it. Nothing else on the coffee table but those items. Does this mean anything? or am I reading too much into it? Does she still care for me?

She then contacted me that same Monday, telling me she was sorry. That she still cares about me & doesn't hate me but doesn't think things would work out between us.

I asked if I could just talk to her for a minute, not trying to change her mind on her decision but to just get some knowledge/closure on everything that happened so it can all make sense to me.
She denied my request and told me if I needed to talk to her, that I could leave her a voicemail & she would hear it.

She couldn't even pick up the phone for 5 minutes to just let me say my peace. Does this mean she possibly feels guilty and ashamed for her actions? I feel like she's pushing me away because she feels guilty of hurting me or feels like "How can this man love me, when I am this way?" and is trying to save me somehow.

She hasn't talked to me since.

[Dream_WRLD]

I don't understand. She literally drops the rest of my stuff off at my doorstep. Then proceeds to text me the next day and say, "Did you get the box I left out on your steps. It looks like it's going to rain and your books you left are in it."

Why does she even give a F***, I don't understand. Then when I look through the stuff, I had a feeling there had to have been SOMETHING more left. I look in one of the books & there was a card from a relationship game we played together with one another. We literally stayed up all night playing it, laughing and how it was really good we did that with one another.

The card was in the middle of the book and it says, ""When was the first time you realized you wanted to be in a relationship with me?"


Why is she tormenting me like this? Please help me.

[kells76]

I don't understand. She literally drops the rest of my stuff off at my doorstep. Then proceeds to text me the next day and say, "Did you get the box I left out on your steps. It looks like it's going to rain and your books you left are in it."

Why does she even give a F***, I don't understand. Then when I look through the stuff, I had a feeling there had to have been SOMETHING more left. I look in one of the books & there was a card from a relationship game we played together with one another. We literally stayed up all night playing it, laughing and how it was really good we did that with one another.

The card was in the middle of the book and it says, ""When was the first time you realized you wanted to be in a relationship with me?"


Why is she tormenting me like this? Please help me.

Hey Dream_WRLD, so sorry you're going through this.

You did a good thing by reaching out here yesterday. There's a part of you that knows to seek support and to take care of yourself as this emotional wave crashes on you. I hope you can recognize that.

Part of the extra challenge of a relationship ending with BPD involved, on top of the "normal" heartbreak, is the "D" in BPD: Disorder.

"Broadly normal" people struggle with breakups, feel hurt, and go through the stages of grief.

pwBPD likely do not process grief, loss, and rejection in the same way as non-disordered minds.

BPD is a shame-based disorder where those with it, or with traits, have harmfully intense, widely varying emotions, coupled with a profound sense of shame and worthlessness. This makes taking responsibility for "doing something bad" incredibly difficult and seemingly nearly impossible.

...

One theory of why she may have treated you like that the other day, by leaving your stuff and books and the card, is that she so wants to avoid feeling shame that her disordered thinking crafts a narrative for her where she is "the good one" in the breakup, "the thoughtful one", the victim, the "one who just tried to be nice". "I never left him, he left me, and I am just being so kind reminding him of our good times". It could be a form of emotional survival for her.

Another theory is that, because she might be so wrapped up in her own emotional survival, everything else fades from consideration. The "broadly normal" thought that "hmmm... maybe I should check the books to make sure there isn't anything in them, before I return them" never occurred to her, and also it never occurred that leaving the card in there might send a message. So, it may say more that she is really wrapped up in preserving her own survival, versus trying to say anything specific to you.

...

Dream_WRLD, there are so many behaviors and traits of BPD that are so much more visible during high intensity times of relationships, including breakups. Have you had a chance to learn more about some of those behaviors here, in our Psychology Q&A section?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

I'd be hopeful you could find some deeper dives into specific behaviors you're wondering about. Let us know what you find.

...

Bigger picture: I see you're posting on Bettering. As you think through the replies here, and think through what you want, are you still hoping to reconnect with her? Either way is OK, there's no right answer, and it's OK to know or not to know. Just checking because the different boards have different cultures and "vibes", so if at any point you choose to "be done", check out our Detaching and Learning group: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=11.0

That being said, if you're wanting to reconnect, here on Bettering is the place for you. You can work on yourself, and build tools and skills that are healthier.

Hope you're hanging in there;

kells76

[Ergonomics]

I went through something similar when my partner's words would become very confusing, saying one thing, and completely doing another. This is not longer an issue for us, but look up the concept of emotional safety.

For me, my wife was not able to really follow-through on what her words said because we really lacked emotional safety.

- She would often agree with me, not because she would agree with me, but because she was too afraid to tell me why she would disagree with me.

- She would keep things to herself, and tell me what I WANTED to hear, because she was hesitant to tell me what she really thought.

I falsely attributed this to some issue with her communication skills, or her personality, and what's funny is that this actually led me to destroy more safety.

It seems like from the way you responded here, you could be destroying the safety that could be worsening this for you. I mean, think about this from your partner's perspective - if this is how you react to things (getting panicked, blaming, perplexed and frantic), why would she share with you hewr real thoughts (which may often be hard to hear)?

But what's funny is that once we re-created emotional safety, everything changed.

Look into it! May help you!

[Dream_WRLD]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.

An update from me is this: At this point. I do not want to re-connect in any way what-so-ever and want her permanently out of my life.

I tried talking to her at the beginning of our breakup, she told me to stop contacting her. Then when I did, she would come back to me literally the next day or the day after. She said she was sorry, (enter box of nothing excuse) This continued for almost two weeks. On & off contact between the two of us.

She even came to my house with the box of stuff I had mentioned in my last post at around 12:30 at night. I was literally walking over to my brothers house right down the street at the same time, was there for maybe 5 minutes at most. Came back, and there was a box on my doorstep.

She had to have been watching to see if I was going to leave my home. She lives an hour away so this had to have been planned out or I was being scoped out for my departure from my home so she could drop the stuff off without me knowing.

The next day I get a text saying, "Did you get the stuff I left on your steps? It looks like it's going to rain and your books are in there." I just mentioned to her, "why do you really care?" No communication after.

Then two days later i'm getting a call from the police saying that I was "Stalking" her & that i'm obsessive because i've been texting her/trying to call her. But the thing is, after I went over there and dropped off stuff at her place, she literally texted me thanking me and saying she "appreciated my time and efforts" trying to fix things. Did she even mention to the police at all that she kept in contact with me during this whole period of time? Even after she told me not to talk to her? Or even after I was the one who told her to stop contacting me via text message too?  After the break-up she only blocked me on social media, never my cellphone one time. She was keeping a form of a communication between us. Keeping me at arms length this entire time.

Now I'm having to get a lawyer involved considering all of this. I have literally 0 on my personal record regarding anything, not even a speeding ticket and she literally wants to charge me with "stalking." After I got out of the police station, they handed me my FIRST ever warning of what I was doing was considered "Stalking." But still try putting that in my police report. When all I was trying to do was mend our relationship after she blew up. I was trying to be considerate of her condition and trying to just let her know I was still here & understood why she did what she did with the breakup. She could've blocked me at any time on my cellphone and I would've called it quits right there. But she still contacted me almost every day and was keeping 1 form of communication between us just made me feel like she was just going through some stuff and wanted space from me. I should've just left well-enough alone and called it quits instead of trying to be the nice, considerate guy.

I'm just trying to get my life back together now, so I can just move on with my life. I feel betrayed at this point & want her out of my life and all of this over with.

[Dream_WRLD]

Also, forgot to mention. I'm now on an GPS ankle-monitor until our court date. She told the police that she "fears for her safety" with me.

There's a saying that goes something along the lines, "those who try to destroy us with lies will themselves be destroyed by truth." Everyone will see the text messages my lawyer subpoenaed and see that she continued contact with me during the entire time. That she even thanked me for showing up & appreciated my efforts after I went over there. They will also see that nowhere in our texts was I ever violent or mentioned any thoughts of being violent. I cared about her, with all my heart & wanted to let her know I was there for her. That's it.

Thank you, everyone.

[Dream_WRLD]

Considering I was always good to her, never abusive in anyway, and always sympathetic to her no  matter how she acted/felt.

I feel like all of this drama/issues stem from her problem with alcohol.

When we were dating, she told me when she was with her last partner that she would drink excessively, to the point where she said she just "didn't care anymore." She did it to numb the pain she was going through on a daily basis.

Also during our relationship, she asked me to come out to a bar to meet her friends for the first time. That was a mistake considering she was so intoxicated that she got herself into a bar fight with a person from work. I had to intervene & stop her coworker from continuing to pummel her face in. I took her home, then the next day sat her down & just said, maybe we shouldn't go to the bar for awhile or mix work with home-life. To which she agreed & to be honest, I felt as if she was lying to me just to give me what I wanted to hear.

Prior to our break-up, I started to notice that she would be drinking in the day-time or be drinking with her "friends" more often too. When I went over there on Friday prior to our break-up I saw that there was a bottle of rum almost gone, her & I had bought that to make 3-4 mojitos and it was pretty much full when I had left last. By this time, the bottle probably had maybe not even a shots worth in it. There were glasses on the counter, wine bottles empty.

Like in one of my last posts, she even ditched me & lied to me about not being able to go to the renaissance festival so she could go out drinking with her coworkers at a bar, she even dug into her emergency fund to go do that. She even drove about an hour away to break up with me after she got back from the bar. Which she was probably still intoxicated from.
I wish I would've called the police then, but I didn't want her family finding out that she was on a bender again.

So instead I went to go check up on her to make sure she was doing okay later after our break-up. I didn't want to end up hearing on the news that she died from alcohol poisoning or something. I cared about her & wanted her to get help. With her bpd or her alcoholism. It didn't matter, as long as she was getting help. Right before I was planning on going to go to her family about all of this, i'm in hand-cuffs for supposedly "stalking her."

[kells76]

It can be shocking how quickly a pwBPD can shift from seeming to see you as a wonderful person, a life partner, their "rock", etc, to someone worse than a criminal, someone deserving of punishment, a "stalker", an "abuser", the source of all their woes.

One framework for understanding how a pwBPD sees the world is through "victim" lenses. On the Karpman drama triangle (another framework for understanding disordered interactions), there are three roles: the Victim, the Rescuer/Hero, and the Persecutor/Villain. There isn't room for anyone else. The Victim role is coveted and cherished by many pwBPD, as it "allows" a posture of: It's not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, Someone is out to get me, Someone needs to save me. If, in relationship to the pwBPD, you are seen as the "Rescuer", you may be seen as heroic, can do no wrong, will fix everything, is amazing/supportive, and on and on -- regardless of who you actually are or what you actually do (as a normal, flawed human being). This part might feel really good.

However, if the person in the Rescuer/Hero role "fails" to live up to those high standards that the Victim wants, then the only other possible role is the Villain -- and boom, there you are. You're now the source of all ills, the hurtful one, and if only someone would save the Victim from the Villain, all would be well for the Victim. Again, regardless of who you actually are or what you actually do. This is a lens that filters and colors the pwBPD's perceptions of not only people in the world, but close and intimate relationships as well.

And when you add substance abuse to the BPD perceptions, things get really volatile.

If a pwBPD sees drinking as something "rescuing" her from her overwhelming feelings, then it won't matter how much you care or want to help, you might be cast in the role of the Persecutor/Villain if you try to intervene between the Rescuing alcohol and the Victim pwBPD. This could be a way to understand the dynamics that happened between you and her.

Dream_WRLD, as I see here that:

At this point. I do not want to re-connect in any way what-so-ever and want her permanently out of my life.

just a heads up that we will bump your thread over to our Detaching board, as it's a great fit for the culture and support over there.

Glad you're posting and processing. Keep it coming, as much as you need.

-kells76

[Dream_WRLD]

Thank you, everyone.

I feel like I was supposed to come here & let all of this out. Including my process of what happened/what is happening/conclusion to everything once I do have that epiphany.

On another note, I find it odd that the website has a butterfly as it's "mascot."

When I was with my pwbpd her favorite animal was a butterfly. She had butterflies all over her apartment. I even used to call her, my little butterfly.

All of this hurts, in a good way & in a bad way. I can't really explain it. All I can say is thank you for helping me understand what i'm going through for I do not have any words for my emotions at the moment. I felt alone, but now I don't feel so alone knowing others have been through similar situations.

[kells76]

All of this hurts, in a good way & in a bad way. I can't really explain it. All I can say is thank you for helping me understand what i'm going through for I do not have any words for my emotions at the moment. I felt alone, but now I don't feel so alone knowing others have been through similar situations.

That makes a ton of sense. It's not like you can flip a switch and forget all the good times you had with her, and the things you appreciated about her, even in the middle of the way she has escalated the situation towards you right now.

You're definitely not alone in this. It's OK to not have words for what's going on... just know that the group here gets it, and will walk alongside you wherever you're at, whatever you're feeling.

[SaltyDawg]

I hate to be an $$.  However, she clearly believes that you should not be around her by her filing STALKING charges against you.  Do follow the advise of your attorney to quash the stalking charges.  Do get your engagement ring back (to cover the attorney fees).   

Even though it doesn't feel this way now, you will be much better off in the long run.  Consider it a gift / reprieve from a lifetime of this kind of behavior.  You are lucky, this happened before you got engaged / married / have children.  This kind of behavior gets progressively worse through each of those iterations of life, you are lucky it happened around the time you wanted to get engaged.  Unfortunately I wasn't so lucky, 5 years of bliss, followed by 17+ years of partial insanity as my uBPDw went off the deep end after our first child was conceived.

Do pray for her and wish her the best (from afar).  Do contact your other friends who you can confide in and/or see a therapist to deal with these issues.  Do practice self-care, and distract yourself with other things such as exercise, and hanging out with non-mutual friends.

[Dream_WRLD]

It's okay, I dont think youre meaning to be negative toward me. It may seem that way, her thinking im "stalking" but from what i've learned thus far from this website is she filed stalking charges to ultimately make me look like the villian and her to continue the role of the victim so the blame is off of her. She continued conversations with me throughout this whole encounter even after she told me not to contact her & me to tell her not to contact me via text. Even praised me for coming over to drop off letters of my concern for her stating she "appreciated my time & efforts im putting in." She even went as far as to come to my house at 12:30 at night, watch me & my home until I departed to walk down the street to my brothers for a soda so she could drop off some of my things after I left. But I get what you're saying though. Im counting my blessings, the downside is I still feel withdraw symptoms from her leaving the relationship & discarding me so abruptly. Especially when all I did was tell her that I felt unappreciated.

[SaltyDawg]

Having a new relationship with a borderline is indeed an addiction for me as well as her (at the time she said "I am addicted to you" literally).

Since borderline splitting is ALL or NOTHING (and very little in between), when she was splitting in the positive way, it was absolutely fantastic.  She modified herself to please me in every aspect, and when she did it, it was with 200%+ effort.  I was emotionally blinded by mind bending sex every day we were together and my ego was stroked so hard I was wrapped around her little finger -- she had me hook, line, sinker, and rod too.

Were there warning signs -- in hindsight, yes -- but when it was happening I was oblivious to it.  When I initially did bring the first sign (she attributed to PMS) up about a month after we started dating, she hid her negative behavior until after we were married where they came out again with manipulation and her first suicide threat two weeks after our honeymoon ended.  I protested again, saying I was baited and switched into marrying her vaguely alluding to the possibility of me leaving her -- she changed back again, until she became pregnant with our first child two years later, and then all the signs and then some came again, and this time to stay, as I was now obligated and could no longer leave as I am responsible for the life we brought into the world (abandonment issues which is a hallmark of BPD).  I only learned about BPD in late June / early July of this year.  After I studied it for about 10 days, it clicked as to what I was dealing with, I continued to study it for another 200+ hours over the next two months before I confronted our counselors and her too.

Right now I am in the dog house, she is blowing me off -- and it is great, the 'crazy' is gone for the past few weeks as she is suppressing the rages, and for the most part the splitting too.  I am also using the tools provided in the following books to keep the 'crazy' under control:

This book will guide you to maintain your sanity:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
Book by Margalis Fjelstad

This book will help you understand what BPD is:
Stop Walking on Eggshells
Book by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

This book will describe some of what you are going through right now:
BPD from the Husband's POV: The Roses and Rage of My Wife’s Borderline Personality Disorder
Book by Robert Page

Had I known at the time of getting engaged, or even marriage before children what I was getting myself into, I would now run, even though at the time, I didn't but should have as the mind bending sex at the time kept me as a willing hostage to the situation.

Good luck, count your blessings that she dumped you.  I know it hurts like hell, especially if your relationship to her was anything like mine, and you want her back at all costs.  I am here to tell you, with the benefit of more than a decade of hindsight, it will not be worth it, even though it may seem like it now.

Answer yourself this one question...   Why are you sticking around, when she is lying to police (presumably under oath) and assassinating your character with STALKING charges and has specifically told you not to be around?

Prior to my current uBPDw, I had a uNPDgf/so, who discarded me (she was chasing another man as I found an e-mail [irrefutable] indicating as much), so I dumped her.  My wife knows the story, so she will threaten divorce; however, when pushed she won't do it, as she knows that I won't be coming back to her if she leaves.

My advise to you is to not be the moth that is attracted to the flame, only to be burned if you get too close.  If she doesn't come back to you, count your blessings and move on.  If she does come back to you -- know what you are dealing with if you decide to re-engage.

In any event seek counseling to help guide you through this ordeal in addition to the attorney that you have retained to clean up the legal mess that you now find yourself in.

[Dream_WRLD]

Thanks, Salty.

At this point, there is no going back. Nor do I want to. I will take your advice and continue moving forward. After this huge betrayal, there's nothing left to go back to but scorched earth at this point. Someone out there will truly appreciate me some day. If not, then that's okay too.

[Dream_WRLD]

I'm assuming her smearing campaign has begun considering now her coworkers & best friend are stalking my instagram stories every day for the past 3 days... I'm not sure if they know this... but I can see their views on the stories. Which i've screenshotted, just incase to show my lawyer.

She discards me, then has these people following my every move on social media, even after she got a no contact order put in place until we have court. What's the point in this?

[SaltyDawg]

Putting on my training hat...  Anything you do electronically, whether it is a computer and/or your cell phone on your person can be tracked (even if you turn off location, and tracking).  Even when some devices are turned off, you can still be tracked.  There are stalking apps out there, if she had your phone prior to your breakup, there might be one on there [it is as simple as clicking a link and side loading the app] -- tracking is already built in in both Apple and Android -- just check out https://www.howtogeek.com/437871/how-to-find-your-location-history-on-iphone-or-ipad/.  Don't stalk her Instagram accounts (or other social media) like she is doing to you.  Do not post anything about her and/or her friends and/or your mutual friends.

Anything you say and do on any electronic device, and near others can and will be used against you in a court of law.  The reverse could also true, but it is up to you to legally [laws vary from location to location] collect that information and share it with your attorney as you are the defendant and she is the victim in the eyes of the law.  Only document what she does to you, in your space.  DO NOT GO TO HER SPACE(s).  Do not record audio (including video) without her explicit permission (unless you know your local law allows it, consult your attorney on this one).  Do write down everything that was said, and by whom, with a date/time/location on it.

If you haven't already done so, change the passwords on all of your important accounts, so she cannot snoop around, especially if you have already previously approved her device (or she did it without your knowledge).  Ideally reset your security on all of your devices and re-authenticate to each.  This includes but not limited 1. Your phone, 2.  Your computer/laptop, 3. Your TV (unless it is a dumb tube job), 4. Your cable/OTT box/dongle(s), 5. your vehicle / especially if it has navigation system(s), etc. etc.

Since you know you are being watched -- DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID!  Since you already have a GPS ankle bracelet, there is possibly a digital search warrant on you as well which can include searching all of your e-mails, all of your search history, etc., etc., etc. [even if you delete them immediately - it is done through your ISP/cell carrier when the data is transmitted - they don't need access to your device to do this].  If you already have done something to snoop on her [like what you posted above], let your attorney know, so he knows how to handle it [do damage control] if and when it comes up in court.

Do not J.A.D.E. [Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain] to her or her friends.  If confronted directly -- be polite, excuse yourself.  example "No, I'm sorry, I didn't do [or don't recall] that .  I need to go _______ [somewhere, bathroom, or some other ambiguous place]" and of course you can use "no comment" but that implies you are guilty.

Don't admit to anything [except your attorney] to anyone [including those who you call friends], no matter how innocent it may seem.

Do let your attorney know anything, now matter how remote, that might be related to your case, no matter how innocent it may seem -- let him [or her] use their professional filter to decide if it needs to be addressed.

Do keep a written log on the anything she does when she is stalking you.  Do not stalk her back.  If in doubt, put it in your journal, which should be a bound book [no loose leaf, no spiral bound] written in indelible ink - do not blackout/whiteout only put a single line through an error so you can't hide anything.  You can also use e-mails as your journal, but make sure you e-mail them close to the time of occurrence to a free service such as gmail.com or outlook.com as they have built-in law enforcement tools [they justified it decades ago in order to catch pedophiles that were using their services] to prevent changes and to authenticate date/time/location when and where you made the e-mail.

Create and maintain a clean digital trail that will bolster your position, and poke holes in hers.

I know that this sucks, but only you can take care of you.  At this point, you need to look after #1, and that is you.

Good luck.

P.S.  Yes, there is someone for everyone.  It is a matter of finding them.  Once the dust settles on this, let them find you doing things that you enjoy doing.  Example, if you like photography, join a photography club.  Same for music, exercising, other hobbies, etc.

[Dream_WRLD]

Thanks, Salty.

I changed every password/internet password/anything shes ever been digitally attached to in my life. Also I havent nor do i want to even go near her digital profile. I want her as far away from me as possible after all of this including over the web.

I have screenshotted every encounter her friends/coworkers have taken to view my profile to show my lawyer later in the week.

Thank you for your support and guidance during this s***storm I got myself into.