He’s accused me of traumatising him because I struggled to understand the incredibly cruel essay he sent me to end our relationship. It amounted to him telling me he’d never had feelings for me and had gone along with our relationship for over a year because he was afraid of hurting me (more like afraid of how he’d feel when he did it). It listed all the ways I’d impacted his well-being simply by existing. It told me I was ‘too much’ for asking for the bare minimum in terms of communication or my needs. I did persist in trying to get him to help me make sense of it. Clearly it distressed him further but I didn’t understand this at the time, no more than I understood that you ‘can’t make sense of someone else’s nonsense’ (that is flippant, I in no way wish to demonise those with BPD whose behaviours are at least understood, if not necessarily what those more neurotypical would call rational).
You’ll go mad if you make an effort to make any sense of whatever he does. Chances are it will always be a paradoxical behavior.
I know that this was the BPD talking but it continues (because of my codependency) to FEEL very real. I am struggling to comprehend that it’s actually NOT my fault and I believe that subconsciously I haven’t accepted he has a personality disorder. I assume I can’t possibly be right, that it IS all my fault and I think that means I’m struggling to let go because that means acknowledging I can’t fix it.
You really can’t fix him but rather just support him. We are their partners and not their therapist. I’ve eventually stopped blaming myself for how she treats me. I stood my ground and strengthened my mental state so her words won’t affect me as much as before.