Reaching out vs. maintaining no contact

[tina7868]

Hello! It's been about 5 weeks since I had a video call with my ex with BPD that I thought went well. Since then though, I haven't heard anything from him and believe I may have been blocked. At the time he was dating someone (who seems to eerily resemble me), but he didn't have a problem with communicating with me before. He was actually being really nice. I'd like to reach out, but I also feel like maybe this urge is coming from a place of anxiety on my end.

So instead of acting immediately, I thought I would ask whether reaching out with a light message on another platform would be more or less beneficial than maintaining complete no contact. This scenario has played out before similarly in the past, and it's honestly hit or miss. At the same time, everything is uncharted territory since it's the first time he has a new girlfriend.   

I feel like his silence is telling of him not caring very much about my feelings. I guess I'm struggling more lately because I'm seeking control in a situation where I don't have any over anything other my own actions. And I miss him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Buddy Joe]

Hi, Tina!

Based on your posts, I can see that you’re having a difficult time moving on since there’s still contact between you guys. The moment you start soaring that’s the time he starts appearing. When this happens you can’t help but hit rock bottom and go back to square one. Correct me if I’m wrong but do you think he’s genuine when he reaches out or do you feel like your emotions are being toyed with?

My pwBPD’s longest relationship lasted for 2 years and that was 20 years ago. Her next relationships lasted a year or less. It never hit the 2-year mark again. I’m currently her longest relationship. We’re about to turn 4 this January 2023. But it seems like we might break up as well. She would tell me that her exes would still entertain her. She would enter relationships with men who are married. She would reach out to her exes or vice versa. That would lead to her having sex with them after reconnecting. It would only last for months or worse, just a one night stand. That fuels her BPD supply. To be entertained and not feel abandoned.

[Rev]

Hi Tina,

I am hearing you need to vent and connect in a healthier place.  Really hard to read the silences, isn't it. And yes - it speaks volumes that like it really never was about you.  In severe cases, in weird way, it's not really about him either - in the sense that with full on BPD, a sense of true identity is vacant - so no amount of attention is every really satisfactory.

Hang in there.  It will take time for your emotional reactions to catch up with your cognitive responses. In other words, give your body time to catch up to your mind.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[tina7868]

Thanks to both of you for responding in my moment of anxiety. I didn't end up reaching out, and have a renewed sense of strength to move forward

Correct me if I’m wrong but do you think he’s genuine when he reaches out or do you feel like your emotions are being toyed with?

In severe cases, in weird way, it's not really about him either - in the sense that with full on BPD, a sense of true identity is vacant - so no amount of attention is every really satisfactory.

My response to both of these very valid points is that my ex has been in therapy for the past several months, making me feel like he must be partially self aware of his actions, or at least more so than before he was diagnosed. Which makes me in turn feel like I am being problematic, having as much difficulty moving on as I have.

I understand that therapy isn't a magic wand that has solved all his problems, but I can't help but wonder if the relationship he is having now works out how much I contributed to the dynamics of our relationship.

[Rev]

I understand that therapy isn't a magic wand that has solved all his problems, but I can't help but wonder if the relationship he is having now works out how much I contributed to the dynamics of our relationship.

Generally speaking, unless pwBPD make a concerted effort, the prognosis is not good for future relationships. More likely, his relationships follow a particular internal pattern that may even have a predictable shelf life. Like a dog chasing its tail, unless the person does the deep, deep work, the cycle continues. More cynical therapists believe that if the trauma is too deep, or the condition goes untreated for too long, there is little chance of significant change.

Don't discount the notion that going to therapy may just be about assuaging any shame feelings he is likely having. Such bypassing is not unique to people who suffer from BPD. People go to therapy all the time to try and "convince themselves" and "find proof" that the other person was "to blame".

The other thing that I might add is that any change in his current behavior is not likely because of what you two shared but rather his adapting to his new source of supply.

Remind me, what reading have you done about BPD?

Hang in there.  Go easy on yourself. This isn't your fault.

Rev

[tina7868]

Hang in there.  Go easy on yourself. This isn't your fault.

Thanks, Rev, it feels nice to hear that. I am hanging in there, and this forum really helps me center myself.

Remind me, what reading have you done about BPD?

I have done my fair share of readings on BPD. I have read about personality disorders as part of one my classes, in addition to a few books on cluster B personality types and how to move forward in life after having interacted with them. All this to say, I understand the lasting effects these relationships can have on people and I am familiar with the main concepts.

I can recognize when his behaviour falls in line with these concepts. Even in our last conversation, I could see there seemed to be some sort of triangulation between him, his gf and his sister. In this case, he was saying his sister was immature and selfish because of how she spoke to him, and that his new gf had overheard a conversation between the two of them and said “wow, I really don’t like your sister”. It all seemed familiar! I remember having been convinced members of his family treated him poorly, only for him to flip and say things like "my family is always there for me, how can you not like them?". Glad not to be a part of that anymore at least :P

All that being said, I think I am not coming from the right place with my intentions behind reading up on BPD. I guess my intention behind it all is still wanting to work things out. Plus, reading about things like new sources of supply, and being discarded make me feel like I have been replaced.

[Rev]

All that being said, I think I am not coming from the right place with my intentions behind reading up on BPD. I guess my intention behind it all is still wanting to work things out. Plus, reading about things like new sources of supply, and being discarded make me feel like I have been replaced.

Yeah... hear you on this one. My motivations were a little off too.

In my case, it was really about wanting to "blame her" because I was in such pain - I'm past that now. In a more centered place. For me also, this place really helped find my center and unhook.

Here's another question. Have you ever heard about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy?  The approach might help you unhook with those feelings of being "replaced".

Rev

[tina7868]

Here's another question. Have you ever heard about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy?  The approach might help you unhook with those feelings of being "replaced".

I had not heard about it, but I just took out a book about the topic to look into it. Thanks for the suggestion  .

[Rev]

I had not heard about it, but I just took out a book about the topic to look into it. Thanks for the suggestion  .

Google Steven Hayes - He has a website

[GingerBadger]

I feel like you’re sharing my story… it’s comforting to know other are feeling or felt the exact same thing.
I’m in such a similar place, and all the same feelings and intentions. Watching him with his  next fix is so hard, yet the cycle is always the same. We can see the stuff but not accept it’s truths

I’m so hurt & I don’t know how to repair this and I’m tired of the same cycle. I often felt he avoided and pushed me away to protect himself, but then I feel like that all goes on me and I carry it alone. Not being heard, seen, initiated with, desired, loved, prioritized
You can’t force a friendship any more than you can force love.
And how do you move on when you accept they can’t and won’t ?
Thank you for sharing and the vulnerabilities, I felt so alone but we can’t do this work to get better by ourselves and we never can get it from the person we wanted it from the most

[tina7868]

Google Steven Hayes - He has a website

He is the author of the book I borrowed! Very concrete advice to be found.

We can see the stuff but not accept it’s truths

I think you put that very well 

You can’t force a friendship any more than you can force love.
And how do you move on when you accept they can’t and won’t ?
Thank you for sharing and the vulnerabilities, I felt so alone but we can’t do this work to get better by ourselves and we never can get it from the person we wanted it from the most

Once again, you describe very well the crux of why it can be difficult to move on.
I think (and take my advice with a grain of salt seeing as I still struggle myself) that the key lies in the acceptance you speak of. You accept they can't and won't be that person for you.

[Couscous]

In a way you're experiencing withdrawal symptoms to an addiction, and every time you break no contact you have to start all over again. If you aren’t already in therapy yourself it might be worth considering so you can explore why it is that you’re struggling to let go.

[tina7868]

In a way you're experiencing withdrawal symptoms to an addiction, and every time you break no contact you have to start all over again. If you aren’t already in therapy yourself it might be worth considering so you can explore why it is that you’re struggling to let go.

I think you hit the nail on the head with the addiction perspective. A lot of my past behaviours (I used to make many attempts to reach out) were compulsive, akin to using a slot machine again and again.

I have been to therapy over the years. Although it is not very accessible to me right now, I will go back to it if I feel things are difficult. For now, I am still quite functional and feel like I am healing. I understand that with that process comes waves of more difficult feelings and am trying my best to be kind and compassionate when that occurs.

When I did go to therapy before (while I was in no contact), I would feel better and get to a place where I felt calm and accepting. I felt like whatever happens, I will be fine.  Kind of like I feel now. I would eventually stop going because I wouldn't feel the need to talk about it anymore.

I often felt it was easier to accept that I would never talk to him again. However, I would then feel taken by surprise if I did hear from him. I was told by a therapist that I should have a contingency plan "just in case", not necessarily one that goes that I would block him everywhere, but one that aligned with how I wanted to behave. I think that could be worth exploring, but it's difficult to hold the two views, i.e. that I won't hear from again, and yet I should also spend time thinking about a plan of action.

[Couscous]

I read somewhere that with these kinds of relationships that it is usually necessary to go no contact for 90 days in order to get through the withdrawal phase. It took me multiple attempts to finally reach that magic number, but I finally did it and just after I reached that milestone, “coincidentally” my pwBPD texted me, and for the first time ever I felt no urge whatsoever to respond. A few weeks later this person called me and I was able to have a conversation without having a relapse. This makes think makes me think that there really is something to this 90 rule.

I personally haven’t had particularly stellar results with therapy, but just the other day I came across SMART Recovery. The program is for any kind of addiction including codependency. I haven’t attended any meetings yet, but maybe that’s something that would interest you.

[tina7868]

I read somewhere that with these kinds of relationships that it is usually necessary to go no contact for 90 days in order to get through the withdrawal phase. It took me multiple attempts to finally reach that magic number, but I finally did it and just after I reached that milestone, “coincidentally” my pwBPD texted me, and for the first time ever I felt no urge whatsoever to respond. A few weeks later this person called me and I was able to have a conversation without having a relapse. This makes think makes me think that there really is something to this 90 rule.

This inspires me! It's been almost two months, I can do one more  .

I personally haven’t had particularly stellar results with therapy, but just the other day I came across SMART Recovery. The program is for any kind of addiction including codependency. I haven’t attended any meetings yet, but maybe that’s something that would interest you.

Therapists definitely have different styles, it can be challenging to find one that clicks. Thank you, I'll check out the program!