25th High School Reunion

[mitten]

My 25th high school reunion is coming up this Fall.  My best friend from elementary school is going with his wife.  I'm considering going, but wondering if it's not a great idea with a high functioning uBPD wife? 

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[kells76]

What would you say you'd be most concerned about if she went?

How far away is it?

How does she behave during large social situations, generally?

[Buddy Joe]

Is there a reason why you’re wary of taking her with you? Did something happen in the past that makes you worry of taking her with you? (Ex. Gatherings or reunions)

[mitten]

She's always well behaved at events fortunately.  She's high functioning and doesn't drink.  I was just wondering if she would be concerned about seeing people from my past (old friends that she would perceive as threats).  I wasn't really into dating in high school so there shouldn't be a problem there, but you never know with BPD! 

[Cat Familiar]

It’s worth the risk to see old friends from long ago.

[mitten]

Well it's a relief to hear the encouragement to GO.  I wasn't sure if there would be a "hell no" kind of response, given how easily people with BPD are triggered.  Personally, I'm not dying to go, but I'll probably end up going just because. 

[kells76]

Do you think she'll actually follow through with going, after you invite her?

[mitten]

Do you think she'll actually follow through with going, after you invite her?

Well is it better to bring her or leave her at home if she doesn't want to go?  She may prefer to stay home with the kids... which would save on babysitter costs... 

[kells76]

Well is it better to bring her or leave her at home if she doesn't want to go?  She may prefer to stay home with the kids... which would save on babysitter costs...

To me, this sounds like a scenario where I would let go of being tied to any particular outcome on her end.

Can you act based on your own values, and allow her to make her own choices, and not get too tied up in hoping/wanting/convincing her to do stuff?

It might look like inviting her, and then accepting that she may come along, or she may at the last minute not, or she may do or say any number of weird, fluctuating things leading up to the trip.

Instead of "giving weight" to each and every thing she says and does leading up to the trip, I wonder how it'd go if you accept that that's how she does life -- she might be absolutely certain on Tuesday that she's going, then on Wednesday be absolutely certain she's staying home, then, 5 minutes before you get in the car, decide to come along.

Maybe consider not arguing with/trying to convince her of "what she should do". Announce "hey, the reunion is next month on Day/Date -- I'd love it if you came along!" and let her do her process of having different things she's absolutely sure of based on how she's feeling on any particular day. Know that it may come down to the wire, so if there are things you have to do "on the side" to make it happen for you, do that -- i.e., letting a sitter know "can you be on standby on Day/Date? We may need a sitter for 36 hours but we won't know until day of."

Invite her, enjoy it if she comes along, accept if she makes her own choice not to. No pressure. Get your own ducks in a row in the background to facilitate your trip, no matter what she decides.

That's sort of how I'd approach it, where her accompanying you or not isn't a "make it or break it" part of the trip and won't derail you from going either way.

Make sense?

[mitten]

Instead of "giving weight" to each and every thing she says and does leading up to the trip, I wonder how it'd go if you accept that that's how she does life

Great advice Kells!  Thanks. 

[Turkish]

I took my then not ex to my 20th. She was pregnant with our son at the time. Worst come to worse? I'd never see those people again, at least not for another decade except for my one BFF. She was OK. When a group wanted to do downtown and hit a bar (small town) she encouraged me to go. A test? Maybe. I didn't go though i wanted to. I appreciated that she came, pregnant.

[mitten]

When a group wanted to do downtown and hit a bar (small town) she encouraged me to go. A test? Maybe. I didn't go though i wanted to.

Why didn't you go?

[Turkish]

Why didn't you go?

I felt it crappy to invite her to the reunion, then abandon her pregnant enough to be showing. In retrospect, it was telling that she didn't want to go. It wasn't an attitude on her part though. I found out later that she suffered from Anxiety, sometimes social that i later surmised, so I'll give her props for coming at all.

I heard that it was mostly singles and divorced people and there might have been more than one hook up. I only see two people I went to high school with more than once per year, and keep in touch with only a couple on Facebook whom I saw at our 30th. No loss.

[mitten]

I only see two people I went to high school with more than once per year, and keep in touch with only a couple on Facebook whom I saw at our 30th. No loss.

Same here.  I really only stay in touch with 1 person in person, everyone else is just through social media...