Here is the backstory of our current issue:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=354021.msg13180673#msg13180673My birthday is tomorrow and she booked an overnight stay despite me
telling her not to since there is already a booking for the next weekend. There are 2 plans in place but the non-refundable/can't reschedule one is of my pwBPD. My plan for my birthday can still be adjusted it was just something I wanted since I didn't book anything that would merit the same booking as hers. Unfortunately, compromise is absent in this scenario. She felt ashamed for choosing to book it still and not respecting my decision. I know she's coming from a thoughtful place that she just wanted the best for me. But how everything transpired just escalated the issue.
I wanted to compromise that if it cannot be cancelled or rescheduled then I'll just go. She doesn't like the thought that I didn't want to to begin with then it would seem like I was just forced to join her. It baffles me that her priority is what I wanted to do and yet decided on her own.
Our therapist said that we just spend that day differently since if we are in the same room we will just fight. Since the emotions are still high strung. So she is going to the resort without me but with her 2 kids.
Points of our therapist:1. She said that she can just tell the kids that there was a misunderstanding with the plans.
2. My priority is not the kids but my family since we're not yet married. (Big brain moment since my pwBPD always wanted to have a family unit that I would always put her first even if it was respect to my immediate family. So this was a relief.)
3. It's best to spend time apart and see how it would feel like when we are not together. Check from there if we still want to work things out. My partner was the only one verbally open to breaking up because she can't take me anymore.
4. Take a break first to cool down.
5. Our T asked about her relationships with her friends and co-workers if it's the same as ours, she said no. The T said it's because there is intimacy involved between us and the stakes are higher compared to the other people, which makes our relationship more vulnerable.
We scheduled our own individual sessions with our T in the next 2 weeks.
Her points during the session that just left me speechless:1. When she shares my side of the story, it gets distorted and be used as a reference that would strengthen her narrative.
2. Claims she didn't say this when she actually did. (This happens a lot.)
3. When she shares her POV and she hates it when I become defensive. She feels that she is not heard.
4. Refers to our fights as petty. Now I know logic is not my best friend here.
5. This is not the kind of relationship she wants because she just feels like she's a monster with me. She wants to feel loved, listened to and understood.
6. Ending arguments with, "Fine! It's all my fault! Is that okay already? Does that work for you?" (This results to me feeling like S
because she tells me sarcastically that I'm so perfect and she's the only one committing the mistakes.)
7. I do all the leg work in order to make the relationship work and all she does is ruin it.
8. She'll go crazy if she stays with me.
Here is the cycle:> She does apologize sometimes for what she did but injects other insulting statement afterwards. So, I don't feel the sincerity of her apology. Just so she can utter it out.
(Defense mechanism for feeling ashamed.)> We can't move on from the issue because it gets padded with other things.
> The arrow is now pointed towards me and when I act on it, it gets worse. When I try to gather my thoughts and remain quiet, she tries to push me over the cliff just so she gets the reaction she was hoping for. ME = ANGRY (Not my best self and no composure.)
