How am I supposed to react to this?

[Sunflower123]

I'm just writing for some advice about the best way to handle the situation that happened today. A little background, my BPD partner and I live overseas very far away from both of our families. We have had many breakups during his episodes and then gotten back together again. We've been "together" off and on for over 12 years and live as common law husband & wife.

Last November he had a particularly bad episode and he wanted to end our relationship again. He had a major meltdown and said I was evil and his enemy and he wanted me to leave.  Things got better for a while, but something is different this time and even though things improved we never got back to a great place. I guess technically we never "got back together" this time, but legally we are a couple and live as a couple.

Anyway, my birthday is coming up this Monday. I really do enjoy celebrating and usually, my partner will surprisingly go out all out. I know this is not that common with BPD, but for some reason, he always did go out of his way to make my day special. Although as a side note, he absolutely hates his own birthday and ruins it every year no matter what I do.

He has been really pushing me away again lately and spending all his spare time in his office, and just generally shutting me out. I just didn't mention anything about it, but I was wondering if he was going to ignore my birthday too.

Today he went to work and all of a sudden I get a notification on my cash app that he sent me $200. Then, I get a text message from him that said,

"Hey I just sent you money for your birthday. I want you to enjoy your birthday so use the money however you like. I will not celebrate with you this year but I still hope you enjoy your day."

This made me feel absolutely devasted and also very confused as to why he would do something like this. How am I supposed to respond to that?
Of course, I won't have a nice day and he also made it very awkward. I have no family or close friends here to celebrate with other than him and he knows that very well. I would have been sad if he completely ignored my birthday, but somehow this just feels worse.

I didn't want to react so I've not replied to him at all. I'm in shock and also beyond devasted. I don't want to cause a huge fight either. I'm going to see him tonight when he comes home from work.

Although it was kind of him to send me money, it's just really offputting the way he did it. The language of the text sounds off for him as well. The whole thing feels really odd and is bothering me. I feel like he punched me in the gut. I'm thinking does he really feel that this was a nice gesture? It seems like he might want to upset me and start a fight so he can tell me to leave again. How am I supposed to be here with him on my birthday Monday and just pretend it isn't weird? Or this even this weekend? I just don't know how to handle it or where to go from here. I'm hurting.

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[Buddy Joe]

Hi there, Sunflower123!

I am experiencing the same thing right now. Here is my post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=354021.msg13180565#msg13180565

My birthday is tomorrow. 

This is my other post after attending couples therapy today: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=354055.msg13180741#msg13180741

Please let me know if there's anything in those 2 posts that can possibly help you out. Praying for you and advance happy birthday! 

[Sunflower123]

Thank you, Buddy Joe! I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. I'm going to take a look at your posts now. Praying for you too and Happy Birthday! 

[kells76]

Hi Sunflower123, I hope you ended up having some positive times on your special day. Happy birthday to you 

The phrasing of his message was interesting to me:

"Hey I just sent you money for your birthday. I want you to enjoy your birthday so use the money however you like. I will not celebrate with you this year but I still hope you enjoy your day."

One of the things about life and people that hit me as I got older was: whenever we see people, or hear people saying things, or watch people... we are watching people doing the very best they can at that moment in time. And, often, people have limited skills. So we see or hear people doing or saying the best they can, at the skill level they have. That isn't to justify or excuse behaviors or statements. It's more an observation.

Interactions with pwBPD often feel so personal and pointed to us. Yet I wonder if some of the things they say and do are them flailing about, doing the best they can with the few tools and skills they have.

It's possible that your partner did want you to have a good birthday and did want you to be happy. And because of his harmfully intense, wildly swinging emotions, and his deep need for self protection at all costs, what he was able to do in that moment was to send you money but not spend time with you. This may be the most hurtful part of being in a relationship with a pwBPD, that when it really comes down to it, they will protect themselves and their emotions at all costs, as it feels like survival. So, the best he could do was send the money and protect his emotions by staying away.

Why he did that is perhaps another question.

And yet another question is how you're doing with having a partner who will just be like this. The best he can do is hurtful and feels like he's minimizing you and your specialness.

You've been together 12 years, so this isn't your first "go" through times like this. Yet it still hurts.

Have you read much about "radical acceptance" at all?

...

Looking forward to hearing back about you and your birthday 

kells76

[Ergonomics]

Personally, I would respond with something like:

Hey! Thank you for the $200. I really appreciate it. I want you to know that I understand how hard sending this must've been for you, especially after everything we've been through.

I can see that you care, and this really make me feel cared for. So truly, from the bottom of my heart, than you.

I know we've been distant lately, and I want you to know that I also understand why you feel distant from me sometimes. You don't have to feel bad or guilty about it.

Honestly, if I reflect on my own behaviors, I have not been doing my part to make our time together, and us coming closer into a pleasant experience.

I am currently doing a lot of self-relfection to show up better in the relationship, so that the next time we talk, you can actually feel good and positive about it, and that we want more of it, like it was in the beginning.

In this meantime, I just wanted to say thank you! And I'll be here when you're ready to come together, and when that happens, I'll do my best to ensure that I do everything I can to stop the old patterns of pushing you away.

I would say that. But that's just me...