Any advice on bpd mom is appreciated

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my mom has never been diagnosed with BPD, but after reading about it and dealing with so many issues with her my entire life, I feel that she has it. Even though I’m well into my 30’s with a family of my own, she continues to control my emotions and feelings. I guess I’m just looking for any advice, feedback, etc on the issue. My mom is an extremely generous person. She loves my child and watches her whenever I ask, she will take us on expensive trips, helped me during college, invite us over for dinner, and has been a rock for me during tough times. But then there’s the flip side of it all (which makes this all confusing and hard). She will always say rude comments that jab at me or my life (I.e I want to move to a southern state but she’ll say oh gosh I would never move to a state like that yuck!), she’ll be in extremely terrible moods and sometimes just give me the silent treatment and I usually never know why, I feel as if I’m walking on eggshells constantly. She always will text or call me for advice or with her problems that she wants me to solve (which really stresses me out). I feel as if I have to act as her husband (parents divorced) and then I feel super guilty if I don’t help her. She still tries to control what I do through her subtle comments or actions. I’ve tried to talk to her about certain things that hurt my feelings or bother me but she rarely ever apologizes and just uses a victim mentality “okay sure it’s my fault. I’ll never discuss my issues again. Sorry” I thought as I got older, this stuff wouldn’t bother me as much but I almost feel as if it’s gotten worse. It’s hard for me because I love her and appreciate her immensely for the life she has given me and for her thoughtful heart but then there’s that other side that is very mean, demeaning and kinda scary honestly. I’m sorry for the long post but I appreciate you reading and replying. Have a great day!

[DoodleBug521]

So my mom has never been diagnosed with BPD, but after reading about it and dealing with so many issues with her my entire life, I feel that she has it. Even though I’m well into my 30’s with a family of my own, she continues to control my emotions and feelings. I guess I’m just looking for any advice, feedback, etc on the issue. My mom is an extremely generous person. She loves my child and watches her whenever I ask, she will take us on expensive trips, helped me during college, invite us over for dinner, and has been a rock for me during tough times. But then there’s the flip side of it all (which makes this all confusing and hard). She will always say rude comments that jab at me or my life (I.e I want to move to a southern state but she’ll say oh gosh I would never move to a state like that yuck!), she’ll be in extremely terrible moods and sometimes just give me the silent treatment and I usually never know why, I feel as if I’m walking on eggshells constantly. She always will text or call me for advice or with her problems that she wants me to solve (which really stresses me out). I feel as if I have to act as her husband (parents divorced) and then I feel super guilty if I don’t help her. She still tries to control what I do through her subtle comments or actions. I’ve tried to talk to her about certain things that hurt my feelings or bother me but she rarely ever apologizes and just uses a victim mentality “okay sure it’s my fault. I’ll never discuss my issues again. Sorry” I thought as I got older, this stuff wouldn’t bother me as much but I almost feel as if it’s gotten worse. It’s hard for me because I love her and appreciate her immensely for the life she has given me and for her thoughtful heart but then there’s that other side that is very mean, demeaning and kinda scary honestly. I’m sorry for the long post but I appreciate you reading and replying. Have a great day!

[Notwendy]

It seems as if your relationship with your mother has a lot of positives, which is good, but that some boundaries have been fuzzy between the two of you. My best suggestion is counseling for you. It's not possible to change her but it is possible for you to learn (gentle) boundaries so that her words and moods don't effect you as much, and how to gently stop being pulled into caretaking her and not walk on eggshells as much. I think doing this kind of work for yourself through counseling will be helpful to you.

[zachira]

You are not alone in discovering that what you are experiencing with your mother fits the description of someone with BPD. There are many threads on PSI of members working on how to deal with their BPD mother after they have figured out that she has BPD.
In my experience, the key boundary to establish with a BPD mother is letting her own her own negative feelings and not allowing your mother to dump how badly she is feeling in the moment on her daughter. The most helpful tip my therapist ever gave me was when in the presence of a person who is treating me badly is to focus on how I am feeling inside instead of focusing on how the other person is feeling. BPD mother's often choose their daughter as their prime target to project how badly they feel inside in the moment. It can be hard to break the cycle of taking on your mother's feelings, as having a mother who is supposed to love you unconditionally is sad and heartbreaking. We are here to listen and support you. Let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[FlawlessButton]

I'm in a really similar situation: I love my mom, who has undiagnosed BPD, and she's very generous to me for the most part. But the closer we get, the more her subtle attempts to control me (not just what I do, but what I like and don't like) really get under my skin and feel worse than they did when I was younger.

The most helpful thing I've done is find a personal therapist who I've been seeing for a while: the safe relationship I've experienced with my therapist has taught me a lot about how to have appropriate boundaries and has allowed myself to really start loving all the parts of me, not just the parts that are deemed "acceptable" or "lovable" by my mom.

Also, like zachira said, recognizing the sadness around not having the mom you deserve and allowing yourself to grieve is a really important part of healing.

[Rhubarb]

Hi Doodlebug!
My mum is also undiagnosed (to my knowledge), the generation she grew up in holds so much stigma around mental health, and she was hospitalised as a teenager against her will and it really broke the trust with her mum, which was already fraught. She has admitted to having some anxiety and some depression, but I always knew it was more than that. In my early 20s I went to see a counsellor myself as I was doing a lot of listening/support for my mum and it really wore down my own mental health. It helped to talk it through with a professional and after a few sessions when she showed me the DSM criteria it was 'tick, tick, tick' down the list, quite confronting actually, but also a relief.

It's so much better now with more language and understanding about looking after one's mental health and things being on a spectrum, not just black and white.

I agree with everyone's comments about getting therapy for you, as there are some bad habits to break and new healthy ones to develop. You can still love your mum, but need to look after you first, and let her look after her first too.

Good on you for reaching out, we're all going through a similar thing here. x

[Rhubarb]

I just thought I'd add, in addition to looking after yourself, which is priority, to help you when you do talk to your mum, learning validation skills will really improve your interactions, it's quite amazing. I did a Family Connections course through BPD Australia.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating