A personal story of living with a borderline girlfriend

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A personal account of living my girlfriend who has borderline.

My ex-girlfriend is the sweetest, warmest, most loving and most amazing person I know and I love her incredibly much, but damn it is hard and exhausting. My girlfriend is smart and well educated and highly functional, she is, among other things, trained as a therapist and has enormous amount of knowledge regarding relationships, dysfunctions and such. After all it’s her job and interest merged.
 
We don't live together and don't have children together, and both have a 7/7 arrangement, so we usually see each other every other week and try to see each other during the week for small lunch meetings, and we constantly send each other a ton of messages on facebooks messenger. We’ve meet each other children and occasionally do things with out families.

We've been together for almost 3 and a half years and it's been a long extreme rollercoaster ride. One moment we're having a great time and the next we're broken up. My girlfriend has probably broken up with me a little over 20 times in 39 months. For the first two and a half years I didn't understand any of it, I worked like a maniac to repair the damage, to be reconciled and reach out, I promised every single time to change myself (thinking I was me) and refrain from doing the (small) things that triggered her, but there were constantly new situations where she went from 0 to 100 in a minute and broke up.

So as our new years resolutions … she broke up the day before Christmas eve, because she couldn’t stand the toxins in my family, too many lies, to many secret, which she said I was a part off, and that I lied to her constanly and that our family dynamic was toxic. Everyone she meets that she doesn't like she calls "toxic". My eks (mother of my children is toxic), a good friend who doesn't like her because of her tretment of me is toxic, her eks-boyfriends parents (father of one of her 3 children with 3 different men) is toxic. I thought we had been reconciled because this problem didn’t come from me, but alas, she broke up the 23 December. Worst Christmas eve of my life. However we got back together on New Years Eve and promised that they new year would be different.

I gave everything, a 110 percent investment, everything. I started to read a lot about the four attachment styles, we took tests, I was Secure and Avoidant, whiles she was as avoidant as me but also as disorganized as my secure score. So I read and read trying to understand her and what made her insecure. Today I consider my self an expert on the Attachments styles and especially the disorganized attachment, which is extremely complex. And everything with this style – an extremely traumatic childhood with a mentally ill (diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic), and a bunch of relationships with different kind of men who all abandoned, cheated on and betrayed her in different ways. So she told me she wanted to find a boyfriend who was completely different from them, Me, and I am, I have a five year university degree, where as her previous relations are unskilled labourer, a carpenter and the last had ADHD and never had a job. So I am the first who have really tried to educate myself on this topic of her bf.

Our relationship during this period is just like normal couples, a ton of loving signals, “I love you, I miss you, I want to see you, can’t wait to see you”, back and forth all the time, sending me pictures of her in lingerie, OH and incredible, incredible out-of-this-world-sex, the best I’ve ever experienced. WHAT ARE PEOPLES EXPERIENCE, IS AMAZING otherworldy sex, the norm?

Here’s punchline, my girlfriend has not been diagnosed with borderline (yet), she has no image of herself being ill/having BPD or any diagnosis – but believes that is everyone else that constantly crosses her boundaries, especially me, and me more than any other person, and more than all her previous boyfriends combined even though they cheated on her, abandoned her after giving birth and being mentally ill meaning she had to care for them instead of being their partner.

But I’m the worst of the all …. She says its because of her dis.att.style, but I have (carefully) suggested that she might have borderline, earlier in our relationship I suggested, that she might have ADHD – which her daughter have. Her mother is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, her sister have PTSD, the majority of her moms siblings all have various mental problems and all of their children’s are most affected in different ways as well, but she refuses to see that the pieces in the puzzle fitting perfectly together.

Although she have this vast pool of knowledge, it’s almost as if there’s a disconnect between her knowledge and herself and her own actions and patterns. She simply doesn’t see that she is constantly undermining the relationship and poisoning it.

So we made a fresh start, but alas thing quickly (as usual) went one. We sat in a sauna, wonderful time, I mentioned that My X (the mother of my children) were going to drop some stuff of regarding my sons birthday. It was a common practical arrangement that I have with my ex to make daily life around our children and our 7/7 arrangement work, but my girlfriend lost it. We went from sitting in the sauna to five minutes later standing in the parking lot and broke up. I then worked like crazy for the next week to apologize and reconcile our relationship, I immediately got a key made for her, explain that my ex only comes to deliver things, that my ex has a boyfriend himself, but my girlfriend just stonewalls me, complete silence and numbing coldness. She writes the usual “I have lied to her, let her down, overstepped her boundaries. She feels completely drained in our relationship, she is tired of me, can't feel the love anymore, can't feel her feelings for our relationship and she just wants peace. And I'm just not healthy for her.” After two weeks, we I apologize over and over and over and many long conversations, we’re reconciled.

We pick up were we started, once more, tons of love, of sweet messages, she’s says that “she sorry that she can’t always love me, and that I’m always so sweet towards her”.
After this we have to huge family parties, but after one month of bliss, once more out of nowhere HELL.

We've had a great weekend, but in the morning while we're talking, she accidentally discovers that I have porn on my computer, 5 min. later we’re broken up and I’m was blocked on Facebook. Later in the evening she writes and calls me the worst things, I am, among other things, “a cheating lying pig who is also a liar, has a lot of secrets, twists things, manipulates her and cheats on her.” I try to explain that because I watch porn I am not unfaithful, but she won't hear anything and then she says that she is going to "F***" 10 guys come Carnival (in our city) and have sextapes made she can send me just to destroy me, and also implies that’s she’s already been unfaithful towards me.

I reassure my faithfulness towards her over and over, tell her that I love her, while I’m also in tears because of the sheer evil of her words, that are destroying me. After hours and hours off talking and apologizing for making her feel unsafe and insecure (by watching porn), we reconcile once more. And she tells me that she has not cheated on me, but she lied so that I could feel for myself what it was like to be so afraid and insecure like her. She tells me that she doesn’t trust any person in the world except herself, no her family, no her friends and not me.

I ask how she can forget all the beautiful memories between us in the blink of the moment, and she replies that the “one bad things wrecks everything for her”, and then she “can’t feel anything towards me”, and when she feels that she wants to leave and be single and life by herself, eventhough she doesn’t want this. She desperately wants to be in a steady, calm, harmonious relationship.

Another brilliant month passed, we’re relax in a summerhouse vacation, we go to Copenhagen for a heavy metal festival where I meet a couple of friends, some of her oldest, she doesn’t have that many close friends anymore because she’s cut so many of our her life. Another sign of classical borderline that I have become conscious off, when we meet, the first of her friend she told that she had meet me, and a person which she spent a lot of time, she cut a couple of months later, and in may, before our vacation she cut one of her oldest friend, for the past 20 years out of her life.
She told her friends that I was because of professional work-problems and that she had been cheated for a large amount of money, this is a lie. She cut the friend away because one night in town they had a huge argument and the friend made her feel extremely wrong, unwanted, stupid and such, all the things she’s experienced in her childhood which means that she today have a massive self-hatred, she can’t look a pictures of herself and me together in full figure (always says I look fat, tired and stupid, like a retard, a cow, a hippo etc.) I short she hates, loathes herself, have low self esteem, things she doesn’t deserve love etc. but no one see this image, I’m the only one. Her family doesn’t know about this, nor her friends, no one. They all see a highly functional, charming, sweet and warm person that everyone loves.

We have to more breakup over non-issues, triffles, something that healthy people would never notice. I give, give, give endlessly, give when I can't give anyemore to be perfect all the time, and even when i can't give, I dig deeper and drains my soul to please her.
I’ve injured my foot in a accident and am on crutches, but once more she meltdowns over a detail, a non-issue, throws me out and I have to walk, limping a mile to the bus, no concert for my health, the only thing that matters is that I’m the idiot, always the idiot, always the one who violates and lies.

Once more she breaks off communication, complete ghosthing me. I just have to disappear out of her life. She feels completely drained in our relationship, she is tired of me, can't feel the love anymore, can't feel her feelings for our relationship and she just wants peace.

We talk a week later where she is determined to break up and get me out of her life. She can't trust me, I let her down all the time and we're far too different and she's decided a long time ago that she doesn't want people in her life who cross her boundaries. I once again manage to reconcile us and we go from having been woken up in the morning to looking at an allotment house in the evening. After this we have a period where we are together every single day for 10 days, the longest we have been together in a period in our relationship. Once more, lots and lots of strong love signals.


We have another breakup after a summer house holiday with our children. She asks my son to clean the bathroom, I’m in the kitchen and when I finish I help my boy so that we can finish faster, but she experiences the situation differently. She feels completely undermined by me, that I want to be the good cop and she is bad cop and she is portrayed as the evil stepmother. When I get home from summer house, she has broken up and blocked me on Facebook. She subsequently accuses me of having neglected my children, she criticizes my children, tells me that they are weird, insecure, that I set up restrictions for them and she cannot bear witness to that. I’m give a long lecture about how I should try to change and improve as a father, but we reconcile again.

The madness continues for another month, until once more she breaks up out of nowhere on sunday september 4th. so a month ago. Complete shut down, ghosting, stonewall, I try, plead and cry and apologises und endingly, but she is cold as ice, completely void of empathy or human feeling, an abyss of darkness. I write on messenger, but am blocked immediately, write on her therapist page, also blocked, write on tik-tok, bloked etc.

Complete stone cold silence for 2 weeks. Then one Friday afternoon, I meet her by chance on a cycle path in the city, where we will pass each other very close. We see each other, I stop so we can talk, but she cycles past me. I write a text and ask how she can be so cold and mean to me and ghost me like that. She writes that she wants to talk, but I only want to talk so that we can get together again. She doesn't. She thinks it is extremely transgressive that I keep contacting her. I am writing about all the loving words she has sent me and that I cannot understand that her feelings should have disappeared so suddenly. She maintains that the relationship has been bad for a long time, that I have lied to her over and over again and that I should leave her alone. I have since sent her a sea of sweet text messages to remind her of all our good memories, but she hasn't responded with a single word. Utter silence, stonewall, bloked from Linkid as well, and she removes my daughter as her friend on facebook, deletes me from a family group on facebook as well.

A good friend tells me that this behaviour is simply, way, way, way, way to crazy and extreme to the extreme and says she has borderline.

Since then, I’ve become an instant expert on borderline (like everyone in here) … all the puzzle fit, out of the 10 typical signs of borderline, she fulfils all 10 – Angry externalizing impulsive BPD, but also has high function internalizing bpd and petulant bpd. Last Sunday I drive to her house and place her things in a shack so that we don’t meet, I put a letter in the bag, in which I’ve written in huge capital Letters “X you have BPD”, and in the letter I go through all 10 signs and how everything fits 100 percent with this diagnosis.

She’s goes mental, accuses me of being a narcissist, a chronich liar, states that if I tell anyone that she has borderline, she’s going to tell everyone that I’m impotent (remember the out-of-this-world-sex), and she have also threathens me with the police.

I write a last ditch letter trying to restore our relationship about trying to take responsibility, I’ll take my share of the blame, but she have to accept her part. I tell her that’ I’ll also be by her side and go with her to the psychiatric ward to get tested for the diagnosis.

She replies that I should get out of her life and that I have crossed the line way, way, way to much and she never wants to see me again. Utter silence since then.

No closure, no explanation, no face to face … just one moment of madness and the end of a 3 year relationship where she told me “that I was the one that she had been looking for fore so many years, the man of her dream. With me she felt so completely safe, like she never had before, she trusted me completely when we had sex, and she could try things that she had fantasied about but not dared”.

Now I now, everything is classical, classic borderline. From one extreme to the next, from peace to a volcanic eruption in minutes, never say sorry, never repair the relationship, endless tirades of blaming me for everything, utterly void of empathy.

MADNESSS

And still I want to be with her … but this time Our break-up feels different than the previous 19, she seems more determined than every, no contact, no kinds words, just stonecold silence, she's removed me from her family-messenger-group, removed my daughter as her friend on facebook, my friends have removed her in return, it's all totally different than before. This time I think the break is for good and that I'll never seen her again or talk to her, a complete stranger and it breaks my already broken heart.

GUTTED like a fish, absolutely devasted with a destroyed heart.

[AnotherVictim]

A personal account of living my girlfriend who has borderline.

My ex-girlfriend is the sweetest, warmest, most loving and most amazing person I know and I love her incredibly much, but damn it is hard and exhausting. My girlfriend is smart and well educated and highly functional, she is, among other things, trained as a therapist and has enormous amount of knowledge regarding relationships, dysfunctions and such. After all it’s her job and interest merged.
 
We don't live together and don't have children together, and both have a 7/7 arrangement, so we usually see each other every other week and try to see each other during the week for small lunch meetings, and we constantly send each other a ton of messages on facebooks messenger. We’ve meet each other children and occasionally do things with out families.

We've been together for almost 3 and a half years and it's been a long extreme rollercoaster ride. One moment we're having a great time and the next we're broken up. My girlfriend has probably broken up with me a little over 20 times in 39 months. For the first two and a half years I didn't understand any of it, I worked like a maniac to repair the damage, to be reconciled and reach out, I promised every single time to change myself (thinking I was me) and refrain from doing the (small) things that triggered her, but there were constantly new situations where she went from 0 to 100 in a minute and broke up.

So as our new years resolutions … she broke up the day before Christmas eve, because she couldn’t stand the toxins in my family, too many lies, to many secret, which she said I was a part off, and that I lied to her constanly and that our family dynamic was toxic. Everyone she meets that she doesn't like she calls "toxic". My eks (mother of my children is toxic), a good friend who doesn't like her because of her tretment of me is toxic, her eks-boyfriends parents (father of one of her 3 children with 3 different men) is toxic. I thought we had been reconciled because this problem didn’t come from me, but alas, she broke up the 23 December. Worst Christmas eve of my life. However we got back together on New Years Eve and promised that they new year would be different.

I gave everything, a 110 percent investment, everything. I started to read a lot about the four attachment styles, we took tests, I was Secure and Avoidant, whiles she was as avoidant as me but also as disorganized as my secure score. So I read and read trying to understand her and what made her insecure. Today I consider my self an expert on the Attachments styles and especially the disorganized attachment, which is extremely complex. And everything with this style – an extremely traumatic childhood with a mentally ill (diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic), and a bunch of relationships with different kind of men who all abandoned, cheated on and betrayed her in different ways. So she told me she wanted to find a boyfriend who was completely different from them, Me, and I am, I have a five year university degree, where as her previous relations are unskilled labourer, a carpenter and the last had ADHD and never had a job. So I am the first who have really tried to educate myself on this topic of her bf.

Our relationship during this period is just like normal couples, a ton of loving signals, “I love you, I miss you, I want to see you, can’t wait to see you”, back and forth all the time, sending me pictures of her in lingerie, OH and incredible, incredible out-of-this-world-sex, the best I’ve ever experienced. WHAT ARE PEOPLES EXPERIENCE, IS AMAZING otherworldy sex, the norm?

Here’s punchline, my girlfriend has not been diagnosed with borderline (yet), she has no image of herself being ill/having BPD or any diagnosis – but believes that is everyone else that constantly crosses her boundaries, especially me, and me more than any other person, and more than all her previous boyfriends combined even though they cheated on her, abandoned her after giving birth and being mentally ill meaning she had to care for them instead of being their partner.

But I’m the worst of the all …. She says its because of her dis.att.style, but I have (carefully) suggested that she might have borderline, earlier in our relationship I suggested, that she might have ADHD – which her daughter have. Her mother is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, her sister have PTSD, the majority of her moms siblings all have various mental problems and all of their children’s are most affected in different ways as well, but she refuses to see that the pieces in the puzzle fitting perfectly together.

Although she have this vast pool of knowledge, it’s almost as if there’s a disconnect between her knowledge and herself and her own actions and patterns. She simply doesn’t see that she is constantly undermining the relationship and poisoning it.

So we made a fresh start, but alas thing quickly (as usual) went one. We sat in a sauna, wonderful time, I mentioned that My X (the mother of my children) were going to drop some stuff of regarding my sons birthday. It was a common practical arrangement that I have with my ex to make daily life around our children and our 7/7 arrangement work, but my girlfriend lost it. We went from sitting in the sauna to five minutes later standing in the parking lot and broke up. I then worked like crazy for the next week to apologize and reconcile our relationship, I immediately got a key made for her, explain that my ex only comes to deliver things, that my ex has a boyfriend himself, but my girlfriend just stonewalls me, complete silence and numbing coldness. She writes the usual “I have lied to her, let her down, overstepped her boundaries. She feels completely drained in our relationship, she is tired of me, can't feel the love anymore, can't feel her feelings for our relationship and she just wants peace. And I'm just not healthy for her.” After two weeks, we I apologize over and over and over and many long conversations, we’re reconciled.

We pick up were we started, once more, tons of love, of sweet messages, she’s says that “she sorry that she can’t always love me, and that I’m always so sweet towards her”.
After this we have to huge family parties, but after one month of bliss, once more out of nowhere HELL.

We've had a great weekend, but in the morning while we're talking, she accidentally discovers that I have porn on my computer, 5 min. later we’re broken up and I’m was blocked on Facebook. Later in the evening she writes and calls me the worst things, I am, among other things, “a cheating lying pig who is also a liar, has a lot of secrets, twists things, manipulates her and cheats on her.” I try to explain that because I watch porn I am not unfaithful, but she won't hear anything and then she says that she is going to "F***" 10 guys come Carnival (in our city) and have sextapes made she can send me just to destroy me, and also implies that’s she’s already been unfaithful towards me.

I reassure my faithfulness towards her over and over, tell her that I love her, while I’m also in tears because of the sheer evil of her words, that are destroying me. After hours and hours off talking and apologizing for making her feel unsafe and insecure (by watching porn), we reconcile once more. And she tells me that she has not cheated on me, but she lied so that I could feel for myself what it was like to be so afraid and insecure like her. She tells me that she doesn’t trust any person in the world except herself, no her family, no her friends and not me.

I ask how she can forget all the beautiful memories between us in the blink of the moment, and she replies that the “one bad things wrecks everything for her”, and then she “can’t feel anything towards me”, and when she feels that she wants to leave and be single and life by herself, eventhough she doesn’t want this. She desperately wants to be in a steady, calm, harmonious relationship.

Another brilliant month passed, we’re relax in a summerhouse vacation, we go to Copenhagen for a heavy metal festival where I meet a couple of friends, some of her oldest, she doesn’t have that many close friends anymore because she’s cut so many of our her life. Another sign of classical borderline that I have become conscious off, when we meet, the first of her friend she told that she had meet me, and a person which she spent a lot of time, she cut a couple of months later, and in may, before our vacation she cut one of her oldest friend, for the past 20 years out of her life.
She told her friends that I was because of professional work-problems and that she had been cheated for a large amount of money, this is a lie. She cut the friend away because one night in town they had a huge argument and the friend made her feel extremely wrong, unwanted, stupid and such, all the things she’s experienced in her childhood which means that she today have a massive self-hatred, she can’t look a pictures of herself and me together in full figure (always says I look fat, tired and stupid, like a retard, a cow, a hippo etc.) I short she hates, loathes herself, have low self esteem, things she doesn’t deserve love etc. but no one see this image, I’m the only one. Her family doesn’t know about this, nor her friends, no one. They all see a highly functional, charming, sweet and warm person that everyone loves.

We have to more breakup over non-issues, triffles, something that healthy people would never notice. I give, give, give endlessly, give when I can't give anyemore to be perfect all the time, and even when i can't give, I dig deeper and drains my soul to please her.
I’ve injured my foot in a accident and am on crutches, but once more she meltdowns over a detail, a non-issue, throws me out and I have to walk, limping a mile to the bus, no concert for my health, the only thing that matters is that I’m the idiot, always the idiot, always the one who violates and lies.

Once more she breaks off communication, complete ghosthing me. I just have to disappear out of her life. She feels completely drained in our relationship, she is tired of me, can't feel the love anymore, can't feel her feelings for our relationship and she just wants peace.

We talk a week later where she is determined to break up and get me out of her life. She can't trust me, I let her down all the time and we're far too different and she's decided a long time ago that she doesn't want people in her life who cross her boundaries. I once again manage to reconcile us and we go from having been woken up in the morning to looking at an allotment house in the evening. After this we have a period where we are together every single day for 10 days, the longest we have been together in a period in our relationship. Once more, lots and lots of strong love signals.


We have another breakup after a summer house holiday with our children. She asks my son to clean the bathroom, I’m in the kitchen and when I finish I help my boy so that we can finish faster, but she experiences the situation differently. She feels completely undermined by me, that I want to be the good cop and she is bad cop and she is portrayed as the evil stepmother. When I get home from summer house, she has broken up and blocked me on Facebook. She subsequently accuses me of having neglected my children, she criticizes my children, tells me that they are weird, insecure, that I set up restrictions for them and she cannot bear witness to that. I’m give a long lecture about how I should try to change and improve as a father, but we reconcile again.

The madness continues for another month, until once more she breaks up out of nowhere on sunday september 4th. so a month ago. Complete shut down, ghosting, stonewall, I try, plead and cry and apologises und endingly, but she is cold as ice, completely void of empathy or human feeling, an abyss of darkness. I write on messenger, but am blocked immediately, write on her therapist page, also blocked, write on tik-tok, bloked etc.

Complete stone cold silence for 2 weeks. Then one Friday afternoon, I meet her by chance on a cycle path in the city, where we will pass each other very close. We see each other, I stop so we can talk, but she cycles past me. I write a text and ask how she can be so cold and mean to me and ghost me like that. She writes that she wants to talk, but I only want to talk so that we can get together again. She doesn't. She thinks it is extremely transgressive that I keep contacting her. I am writing about all the loving words she has sent me and that I cannot understand that her feelings should have disappeared so suddenly. She maintains that the relationship has been bad for a long time, that I have lied to her over and over again and that I should leave her alone. I have since sent her a sea of sweet text messages to remind her of all our good memories, but she hasn't responded with a single word. Utter silence, stonewall, bloked from Linkid as well, and she removes my daughter as her friend on facebook, deletes me from a family group on facebook as well.

A good friend tells me that this behaviour is simply, way, way, way, way to crazy and extreme to the extreme and says she has borderline.

Since then, I’ve become an instant expert on borderline (like everyone in here) … all the puzzle fit, out of the 10 typical signs of borderline, she fulfils all 10 – Angry externalizing impulsive BPD, but also has high function internalizing bpd and petulant bpd. Last Sunday I drive to her house and place her things in a shack so that we don’t meet, I put a letter in the bag, in which I’ve written in huge capital Letters “X you have BPD”, and in the letter I go through all 10 signs and how everything fits 100 percent with this diagnosis.

She’s goes mental, accuses me of being a narcissist, a chronich liar, states that if I tell anyone that she has borderline, she’s going to tell everyone that I’m impotent (remember the out-of-this-world-sex), and she have also threathens me with the police.

I write a last ditch letter trying to restore our relationship about trying to take responsibility, I’ll take my share of the blame, but she have to accept her part. I tell her that’ I’ll also be by her side and go with her to the psychiatric ward to get tested for the diagnosis.

She replies that I should get out of her life and that I have crossed the line way, way, way to much and she never wants to see me again. Utter silence since then.

No closure, no explanation, no face to face … just one moment of madness and the end of a 3 year relationship where she told me “that I was the one that she had been looking for fore so many years, the man of her dream. With me she felt so completely safe, like she never had before, she trusted me completely when we had sex, and she could try things that she had fantasied about but not dared”.

Now I now, everything is classical, classic borderline. From one extreme to the next, from peace to a volcanic eruption in minutes, never say sorry, never repair the relationship, endless tirades of blaming me for everything, utterly void of empathy.

MADNESSS

And still I want to be with her … but this time Our break-up feels different than the previous 19, she seems more determined than every, no contact, no kinds words, just stonecold silence, she's removed me from her family-messenger-group, removed my daughter as her friend on facebook, my friends have removed her in return, it's all totally different than before. This time I think the break is for good and that I'll never seen her again or talk to her, a complete stranger and it breaks my already broken heart.

GUTTED like a fish, absolutely devasted with a destroyed heart.

[Tupla Sport]

Hi, chiming in for a point that I feel is important.

My ex was thankfully not the greatest lay in the world but even still it was difficult to let go of her, sexually.

Important thing to remember is that all the sexuality, sensuality and mirroring your desires is ultimately hollow. They might pull a trick or two that make you think you're having stargasms but like everything else about a r/s with them, it's ultimately hollow if not outright false. I actually meditated on this and it made me feel better.

The passion can be there but it's not sustainable. You will experience sex on a more intimate level with a healthier partner. No matter the tricks or moves they were pulling, it was not healthy or based on mutual love. They basically drug you with dopamine and oxytocin and of course it feels great climaxing at the top end of the rollercoaster ride just before the inevitable downward surge.

[Turkish]

Arm-chair diagnosing someone with BPD is like, "tell me I'm crazy without using the word crazy." In my time here, I've observed it borderline helpful (pun intended) <5% of the time. I did it myself, so no judgement.

When kids are in the mix, it becomes a lot more complicated, even if adult relationships are none of the kids' business.

[AnotherVictim]

Turkish.
I'm not armchair diagnosing some random person, I'm trying to find reason in a sea of chaos, I thought she had ADHD, no that wasn't it (though she fulfills all the criteria), then I looked at her attachment styles and that really fit, and when I finally looked at borderline, all the pieces of the last three years fit perfectly together. Her familiy history, her childhood, a documented history of mental illness in the familiy, everything she's told me about her self, about her former partners, the habit of cutting people, friends and partners on a whim out of her life, her sense of identify or lack off, her taking tons of drugs when young, her deep, deep self hatred, low self esteem, coupled with everything I lived through, the maddening tantrums, the extreme moodshifts, the constant rollercoaster ride, the unending accusations of being a liar, a cheat etc. never appologising, never taking responsibility, the endless cycle of breaking up, making up, the habbit of stonewalling, ghosting, it all adds up, my story is no different from the other people in here, in fact it is frighteningly similar. Everything points to borderline, and I've just like many in here have read, and read, and reab about this topic, becoming a instant experct on something that I previously had no knowledge about. And because of that I've also read about being bipolar (she isn't), narcissist (she has traits but isn't) and many of the other diagnosis, the one that fits 100 percent is borderline, angry externatlising impulsive, but she fulfills all the criteria for the other borderline subtype as well.

So excuse me if I find your "armchair diagnosing someone" somewhat insulting. I don't go around randomly calling people names and give them an diagnosis, I'm someone who's been hit extremely hard and have worked extremely hard af finding answears and that search had made me go into thereapy myself, to find my balance once again, to heal, and to work at my own attachment, it have also lead me here, besing being in a group in my own country for next of kin, and it have also lead me to the conclusion that for all her brilliance and highfunctioning that my eks-girlfriend have undiagnosed borderline, which is so maddingly because now I also know, that if she would just come to this recognition herself, then there's help and hope of a future without chaos because of the dialectical behavior therapy (might have a different english name) offers genuine hope.

[Gemini1967]

Hiya

I identify a lot with your experience. I sympathize with you. I was with my ex GF for 6 years - non diagnosed (but again very strong traits of BPD). Significant impulsivity, irrationality, hot and cold love, extremely child like / immature behaviours, and what I very much identified with was, the constant break ups across those 6 years . Started roughly 6 months in, and then it was regular, like every 2/3 months - she would dump me by text. Sometimes for a few days, other times a week or so, and then towards the end even longer.

These were all perceived slights that she felt - that I wasn't being enough, supporting enough, understanding enough, giving enough love, being there enough... The relationship was 'never going to work' ... Always something and always me at fault. And always me fixing it , rekindling it, bending and flexing to accommodate her needs and wants.  Always me taking ownership of the perceived slight.

And this went on and on. Red flags - which, through slow conditioning, you just get used too as part of the relationship... But it was far from healthy, and little did I know that ultimately I was walking into the most brutal final discard that came in December last year, with her cut and running with a stranger from a dating app. And the subsequent threat that if I was to contact her again, she would report me to the police. And this after never ever having a row, never raising our voices at each other in that time. Just a few months before I'd been on holiday with her and her children and it was one of the best times ever.

Bewildering, crazy, mind PLEASE READery. And like you, left me utterly soul less. Like my entire identity has been stolen. I'm 9/10 months down the road since then and in therapy as the shock and acceptance of what she did I still battle with every day .

It does get easier. But its been a slow slow crawl for me - made worse by the fact that the chap she ran off with is a social media self obsessed 50 plus year old. Total polar opposite from me.

Be kind to yourself. Day at a time .

Gemini1967

[AnotherVictim]

Hi Gemini1967.

Thanks for the words of support. I’ve read your posts a couple of times. Everything is frighteningly familiar, down to the minute details, and though the breakup circumstances are different, their reaction to you have been soul crushed is the same … no guilt, no remorse, no compassion, no empathy, a complete an utter lack of any sign of humanity, an ice cold void of emptiness.

Sometimes when the hurt turns to red hot anger I wish she meets nothing but evil in her next relationship.
I hope her next boyfriend is a complete pig who treats her terribly and cheats on her constantly
I hope the next time she opens herself up to someone, that they tear her heart out just a brutally as she has done with me,
I hope the next time she tells someone “I love you”, that they break up with her the next day.
I hope she is alone and sad and feels completely abandoned and heartsick.
I hope that she is wracked with remorse of the way she treated me.

I write a lot of this down, sometimes it helps and the I re-read it, like all those letters to myself, reminded me of what a hollow, evil, selfish, petulant, soul destroying creature she is.
Unfortunately, that is really not who I am, and because I’ way to good at focusing on her strong points and the things that made me love her so maddingly (still do), I can’t hold onto the hate, and then I return to missing her, and the weight of my crushed heart once more weighs me down, like a anchor dragging me to the bottom of the sea.

But everyday I try to remove myself, I read a lot about BPD, each day, I know more and more, feel like I could give a lecture on this illness at University by now. I listen to podcasts, and I read in here everyday, because it helps, I talk to my family and my friends and try as much as possible to reach out to keep my mind from drifting back to her and all those wonderful memories that she so coldly just threw in the pin.

Last night, I closed the final door myself, I owed her a bit of money and wanted to spite her in return and only return in it rates each month, but decided to cut that string as well. I asked her to my deliver to stuff and leave it in a shed and that’s it. The last cord has been cut.

The only way I can reach her is by email, don’t know if I’m blocked on the phone and everywhere else I’ve been blocked messenger, instagram, tik-tok, linkid, so I can’t reach out to her, which is probably for the best even though my screams for wanting her and feels devastated.

What an unbelievable waste, we were so perfect for each other, we wanted the same things, had the same dreams of a future together, the potential was enormous …. what a waste and she can’t see that the destructive patterns originates from her.

[Tupla Sport]

What an unbelievable waste, we were so perfect for each other, we wanted the same things, had the same dreams of a future together, the potential was enormous …. what a waste and she can’t see that the destructive patterns originates from her.

I don't mean to be condescending but are you sure about that? And how can one be sure about such things in general, when people still have their boundaries and personal needs beyond the seemingly perfect relationship. It's never a "perfect" match because a relationship is a system, and being perfect is not a quality of a system.

One of the hallmark behaviors of BPD is rampant hyping up of the future where you do feel like you were truly meant to be. Any little idea you get they love and they might even contribute with brilliant ideas of their own. But with anything about them, you can't for the love of yourself consider they had sustainable strategies for anything.

Sustainability is everything. We are talking long-term commitments and social systems that span years; in our dreams, decades. Most relatively healthy relationships fall apart too. People love quoting the statistics of succesful marriages to be sardonic but take a look at romantic relationships as a whole! I don't know what the success rate for a dedicated romantic relationship is around the globe, but it is probably a lot closer to 10% and the 50-ish% for marriages. Depends a ton on the parameters but you get the idea: romantic r/s's crash and fall like the waves in an ocean. Even the most conservative, marry-your-teenage-crush people average a few unsuccesful romantic r/s's. Google tells me the average for men is 6 and for women, 5 before they find the mythical One.

And even if you get or stay married, you can be absolutely miserable. Don't let outside pressure and appearances fool you: only you know if you're truly happy or not.

[BPDEnjoyer]

Yes your ex has borderline.  There is no issue for you to diagnose her. Even non therapist or medical professional can see that she is borderline.

Also are you in Germany? For some reason I encountered a lot of borderline over there. I can’t explain it. 

You have a nice write up and you were simping hard to her.  This is a no no with a borderline. By doing this, she lose all respect for you. There are no consequences for her treating you badly.  She is toxic and abusive. Why do you still want her back? 

The other issue is you let her discard you 20 times.  You need to have more self respect than this. 

[AnotherVictim]

Tuplasport
Don’t worry, You aren’t condescending.
I see that all lot of people in here doubt everything they were ever told by their x-bpd. I’ve done so as well, but I took the step of contacting one of her ex-boyfriends, and most of what she told me during out time about previous relationships he confirmed. So she didn’t lie to me. And I really, really believe that she genuinely loved/loves me, and that she desperately wants to be in a steady relationship, I’m her second longest relationship, and that we genuinely have communited for hours and hours trying to improve our communication, understanding of each other, I know her like no one else, and she has made strides in our time together. But she haven’t managed to beat her enormous outpouring – she’s “angry extranalizing impulsive”, so she’s in conflict often with people, though without realizing this because she’s still undiagnosed, and have no acceptance that she (might) is borderline. It is everyone else, and especially me, that’s the problem.

I do think, that deep, deep, deep down she knows that there’s something wrong with her, she said on many occasions, small slips “I feel so lonely, I feel empty and sad, have you forgotten me”, and “have you found someone else”, etc. and that “she’s sorry that she can’t always love me”, and that she’s also so glad when I’ve said “though you can’t love me, I still your boyfriend” because this have given her an anchor.

After my divorce from my marriage to the mother of my children – 20 years – I made up a list of things that I wanted to find in my next love-of-my-life, - intelligent, well educated – very attractive, very sexy – funny, charming, warm and deep – interesting job – lots of friends – hobbies – and if at all possible multi-cultural. I know, an almost impossible list, but she ticked every box, even the one about have a second-culture, half-spanish. And we didn’t rush into anything, we took it really slow, because of previous wounds, so we just wrote at lot back and forwards, had 3 dages in the first month, then she went to Spain for a month, we continued to write, and so yes, I know we want the same things, a long harmonius relationship, an open and caring relationship with deep love, we want to travel and see the world, are spontaneous and open to museum visits and other cultural stuff. I like to cook and she loves when I cook for her. So I know that we genuinely connected on a deep level. This isn’t just for show or part of the first- Lovingboom-town period.


BPDEnjoyer – I’m from Denmark.
Yes, I realize that I am/is simpering her for her. Have taken noget of the “No NO with a bpd”. Will remember that, and also the “she loses all respect for you”.
Yes, she have been both toxic and abusive, but she can also be the most speciel person in the world, and she have helped me overcome an enourmous trauma of my own. I had been struggling with finishing my university PhD for almost 20 years, and she helped me finish it, so she will always have such a special place in my heart and for that I can’t let her go. Because if I could finish such a trauma for me, why can’t I help her hell her bpd?

So because of this and so much more, I still want her in my life.