How to say goodbye and tell them friendship isn’t enough

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I’m trying to let go of this Situationship/friendship of 3 years. Now to be clear this was a very intense friendship. Started off dating, he couldn’t commit and He said he couldn’t handle others emotions. I should’ve walked away then but I knew there was some thing about him that was crying out for help and not inherently bad person. The need to help and be there for others kicked in (child hood trauma here I realize now he’s Iike my mom)
He Did not have a diagnosis then but had been struggling back-and-forth with alcohol and anger issues and a lot of childhood trauma. It ended up being a very intense. I know I was something to him more then any other as he opened u to me and trusted me and showed a side he never had to anyone. His family and therapists recognized this as well.
Through this Friendship/Situationship and trauma in three years and multiple times for him going to re-hab,  anger outbursts , being arrested  it took a toll on my mental health, and then him finding his new person of interest and me then getting pushed aside till that became disastrous. every time I try to walk away and take care of myself or set a boundary (I was terrible with these)  something very bad would happen with him and I’d have to help. (Family calling me or someone else, or him) I’ve always cared for him and wanted him to do better, as e really is now,  I’m the one that saw his diagnosis as well as not even the therapists and hospitals ans mental  institution  did (hes very good at manipulating and saying what he knows people want to hear or what will just make it stop)   But I’ve been witnessing it and he also had a brain thing done way back that had all the symptoms there, I was almost mad that the information was there and all the family ever did was focus on the alcoholism and the anger but after multiple rehabs he even would say it’s not that in the rehab it almost trigger him and I would listen to him and see him and finally after the final big one I had a conversation with him and his uncles who are in the medical field and helping him through this and they agreed and when I spoke with him he even agreed because he had had a friend that also had it and he went and finally had a testing for it and they told him he was. 
I know he appreciates me but it’s often just been at his convenience and when he needs me and the one side and this is just really taking a toll and often a lot of the stuff he said and done when he was drunk and angry has been pretty vicious as well. I know he’s trying and I always think he’s pushing away to protect me because one of the times he said the reason he didn’t wanna date me because he’s so afraid of losing me but it doesn’t even make sense because he’s losing me anyway.

I just wanted to be  respected better and him backing his words with his actions for how much he cared about me. I was even down for an open relationship because relationships even make
Me uncomfortable when people are to clingy,  we did everything together living together etc. but I also had to witness him doing his on and off find a new focu person pretending that they’re dating manipulating the other person And it falling a paper  then coming back to me but me being hurt during that whole thing. I have told him just communication would would make it better, I I would even be OK with him sleeping with others,  I just wanted to be his main person/ priority or he just communicate with me but he could never do that. He’s finally on the road to recovery with his new diagnosis and being sober.
I’ve now Dealt with a lot of trauma from everything that happened with him and I’m trying to work through it myself I had some anger towards him but I worked  through that and we were  doing well again and as soon as it was going well he found another favorite person and now he’s sleeping with her and it made her uncomfortable because we sleepover together as we have did 3 years ans he worried more about her then me I’m w again. I know it’s  another bad situation for him that would not end well, and he was pushing me away once again when I told him it hurt and he wasn’t thinking about others. . He prioritized her and her feelings but never mine time
Ans time again.  We tried  communicating and trying to be open about it he then he  just put it on me not willing to be amazing friends and only wanting more, he  said that we need to be basic friendship but it was a very one-sided one that he’s asking for and it’s just been time after time where his actions don’t match his word and he just cannot think about me or how his actions and words cut. He Does the bed act and then just thinks he can make up for it later with no consequences.

*****How do I say the friendship isn’t going to work and to say goodbye. I can’t make a clean cut  because of his family and we basically coparent the dogs. I won’t let the dogs out of my life because they are very important to me and I always worry sometimes about their care when he gets into his certain moods and focuses and they also become a non-priority as well.

It’s hard to find the words because I don’t want to hurt him, but I know I’m hurting (3 years worth) and I also want To make Him see which  I know is unrealistic , and I do care about him and worry for his future  but I need to express that I can’t force friendship and my needs are and we’re valid, and I carried to much of it.

(Side during  this convo on my bday, I had a convo with him saying I wasn’t sure, ans i agreed with a lot he had said, but I had told him that it’s just not easy seeing him replace me and him then telling me that something that was a comfort to me I no longer have them that was hers which was just even sleeping in the same bed together and sleepovers with the dogs and doing stuff together. I told him just to respect that and know that that’s gonna take some time for me. The next morning when I had to pick them up for my birthday activities he knew I was coming to get him at the house and I go in and I had to wait for them to get out of bed with her there in the bed. I was so mad later when I told him I was like you’re smart you’re intelligent why would you think that wouldn’t hurt me of course you at all these excuses he did try to say I understand how you feel but that’s where it ended and now he’s just pretending everything‘s fine. This happens a lot and I just I can’t have someone that is so disrespectful of how I feel who wants to say that they’re my friend.)
He’s a master manipulator and can use things you said in the past out of context to manipulate against you he’s literally made me question myself so many times when it’s some thing I had never question before so finding the right words will be hard but I can’t not have a conversation or a letter to him somehow

[GingerBadger]

I’m trying to let go of this Situationship/friendship of 3 years. Now to be clear this was a very intense friendship. Started off dating, he couldn’t commit and He said he couldn’t handle others emotions. I should’ve walked away then but I knew there was some thing about him that was crying out for help and not inherently bad person. The need to help and be there for others kicked in (child hood trauma here I realize now he’s Iike my mom)
He Did not have a diagnosis then but had been struggling back-and-forth with alcohol and anger issues and a lot of childhood trauma. It ended up being a very intense. I know I was something to him more then any other as he opened u to me and trusted me and showed a side he never had to anyone. His family and therapists recognized this as well.
Through this Friendship/Situationship and trauma in three years and multiple times for him going to re-hab,  anger outbursts , being arrested  it took a toll on my mental health, and then him finding his new person of interest and me then getting pushed aside till that became disastrous. every time I try to walk away and take care of myself or set a boundary (I was terrible with these)  something very bad would happen with him and I’d have to help. (Family calling me or someone else, or him) I’ve always cared for him and wanted him to do better, as e really is now,  I’m the one that saw his diagnosis as well as not even the therapists and hospitals ans mental  institution  did (hes very good at manipulating and saying what he knows people want to hear or what will just make it stop)   But I’ve been witnessing it and he also had a brain thing done way back that had all the symptoms there, I was almost mad that the information was there and all the family ever did was focus on the alcoholism and the anger but after multiple rehabs he even would say it’s not that in the rehab it almost trigger him and I would listen to him and see him and finally after the final big one I had a conversation with him and his uncles who are in the medical field and helping him through this and they agreed and when I spoke with him he even agreed because he had had a friend that also had it and he went and finally had a testing for it and they told him he was. 
I know he appreciates me but it’s often just been at his convenience and when he needs me and the one side and this is just really taking a toll and often a lot of the stuff he said and done when he was drunk and angry has been pretty vicious as well. I know he’s trying and I always think he’s pushing away to protect me because one of the times he said the reason he didn’t wanna date me because he’s so afraid of losing me but it doesn’t even make sense because he’s losing me anyway.

I just wanted to be  respected better and him backing his words with his actions for how much he cared about me. I was even down for an open relationship because relationships even make
Me uncomfortable when people are to clingy,  we did everything together living together etc. but I also had to witness him doing his on and off find a new focu person pretending that they’re dating manipulating the other person And it falling a paper  then coming back to me but me being hurt during that whole thing. I have told him just communication would would make it better, I I would even be OK with him sleeping with others,  I just wanted to be his main person/ priority or he just communicate with me but he could never do that. He’s finally on the road to recovery with his new diagnosis and being sober.
I’ve now Dealt with a lot of trauma from everything that happened with him and I’m trying to work through it myself I had some anger towards him but I worked  through that and we were  doing well again and as soon as it was going well he found another favorite person and now he’s sleeping with her and it made her uncomfortable because we sleepover together as we have did 3 years ans he worried more about her then me I’m w again. I know it’s  another bad situation for him that would not end well, and he was pushing me away once again when I told him it hurt and he wasn’t thinking about others. . He prioritized her and her feelings but never mine time
Ans time again.  We tried  communicating and trying to be open about it he then he  just put it on me not willing to be amazing friends and only wanting more, he  said that we need to be basic friendship but it was a very one-sided one that he’s asking for and it’s just been time after time where his actions don’t match his word and he just cannot think about me or how his actions and words cut. He Does the bed act and then just thinks he can make up for it later with no consequences.

*****How do I say the friendship isn’t going to work and to say goodbye. I can’t make a clean cut  because of his family and we basically coparent the dogs. I won’t let the dogs out of my life because they are very important to me and I always worry sometimes about their care when he gets into his certain moods and focuses and they also become a non-priority as well.

It’s hard to find the words because I don’t want to hurt him, but I know I’m hurting (3 years worth) and I also want To make Him see which  I know is unrealistic , and I do care about him and worry for his future  but I need to express that I can’t force friendship and my needs are and we’re valid, and I carried to much of it.

(Side during  this convo on my bday, I had a convo with him saying I wasn’t sure, ans i agreed with a lot he had said, but I had told him that it’s just not easy seeing him replace me and him then telling me that something that was a comfort to me I no longer have them that was hers which was just even sleeping in the same bed together and sleepovers with the dogs and doing stuff together. I told him just to respect that and know that that’s gonna take some time for me. The next morning when I had to pick them up for my birthday activities he knew I was coming to get him at the house and I go in and I had to wait for them to get out of bed with her there in the bed. I was so mad later when I told him I was like you’re smart you’re intelligent why would you think that wouldn’t hurt me of course you at all these excuses he did try to say I understand how you feel but that’s where it ended and now he’s just pretending everything‘s fine. This happens a lot and I just I can’t have someone that is so disrespectful of how I feel who wants to say that they’re my friend.)
He’s a master manipulator and can use things you said in the past out of context to manipulate against you he’s literally made me question myself so many times when it’s some thing I had never question before so finding the right words will be hard but I can’t not have a conversation or a letter to him somehow

[Rev]

Hello Ginger,

Thanks for that testimony. It feels like you're carrying a lot because it seems like you've been expected to carry a lot. Does that resonate with you?  My guess it that you want to remain true to your values of being a kind person, and at the same time the words that you feel reflect your kindness don't reflect the hurt you are feeling. Like there's a gap there.  Do I have that right, or would you fine tune my perception?

Here's something that jumped out at me: 

It’s hard to find the words because I don’t want to hurt him, but I know I’m hurting (3 years worth) and I also want To make Him see which  I know is unrealistic , and I do care about him and worry for his future  but I need to express that I can’t force friendship and my needs are and we’re valid, and I carried to much of it.

Now that you see these words, imagine that someone else is sharing them with you and you are sitting where I am sitting, writing back to this person.  What advice do you give them?

Thoughts?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[SaltyDawg]

That was a tough read.  I feel your pain.

You are a people pleaser and wants to fix people.  I know you care for him greatly and you have been a great friend to him.

Definitely get counseling, if you can -- so you can work out these emotions.

If you can't afford counseling, read this book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad towards the end of this book it discusses how to split up with a person.

I am going to be 'blunt'.  From what you said, you aren't his first priority, and you are the 'side chick' -- you deserve better than that.

The fact that you share fur babies (dogs) complicates things.  Are they his dogs, or are they yours?  If they are yours, that should be less complicated.  If they are not yours, and you are friendly with his mom (or his closest family member), and/or best friend, ask them for advise, and express how you feel being the 'side chick', to see if they offer up any advise on what to do with the dogs.  If possible you want to say 'goodbye' on civil terms.