Miss My Ex - Forget It or Try Again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone...

This is the first time I post in an online forum and I guess I just spent so much time browsing the internet for support, feeling unable to speak to friends about this, that I had the urge to post.

I've been broken up with my ex for about 1.5 months now... We dated for about 6 months. I have had experiences with BPD partners in the past, but being older and wiser I thought I had a better understanding of things. I consider myself patient and don't need a partner with "no problems". Contrary to my last exes with this illness, S was a genuine sweetheart to everyone - even to people she probably shouldn't have been. Her episodes were mostly self-loathing and self-directed, at first.

I feel like I put in so much effort to be gentle and understanding with her, but I still could have done better. She was not very communicative, would shut down a lot and told me in the end that she was agoraphobic. I will mention that we were Long Distance and saw each other for about a week or 2 each month, but talked/video every day. When we would see each other, I wanted to go out and show her cool things and build experiences, and she just wanted to smoke weed and stay in bed all day. I wish I had done more things at her pace in retrospect. I feel she was asking for intimacy, and I don't know why but I felt this need to show her the world and entertain her (my last BPD ex got mad at me for not taking her out enough).

Anyway, before I met her I had plans to move overseas and after I met her, I wanted her to come with me. She really seemed to want to, but was in a bad place in her life financially and mentally. We started arguing about silly things as my "leaving" date came nearer, like I'd ask a light question about her past and she'd explode, she'd tell me little nuggets of information of people who showed interest in her and when I'd ask more (to support her in the situation or share a laugh) she'd hang up or yell at me. Make things up like I was calling her a slut (I would never, most of my friends and exes are sex workers who I respect to the fullest).

She ended up telling me she was suicidal and she wanted to go to therapy but she wouldn't do it online, only in person if ever, and so she couldn't make plans with me to move. I know she's not going to therapy. She used to many years ago (was diagnosed with BPD very young). I told her I was concerned with our communication styles or lack of and how it would go if she didn't get counselled and we were apart for most of a year... she blew up again. Told me I was evil, abusive, unsupportive, and how she'd find someone else to sleep with who would appreciate her. Lots of other petty insults.

I don't know, that's a general summary. She apologized a week or so after no contact for the insults, said she never learned how to communicate and hurts people she loves the most. It wasn't a plea to get back together. I accepted the apology and gave her one too, for not being the partner she needed.

I reached out to her this week to wish her well and tell her I missed her... she told me she missed me too and thought I was a good person. Sounded like she's pretty over it, even though she told me I was the love of her life and would always be. If I wasn't so far away, I feel like I'd ask her to try again. She always apologized after her outbursts, and would show amazing self-awareness to an extent. Something I never saw in previous partners. I feel like I messed up something good by not listening to/interpreting her needs enough. I'm traveling for a year and there's no point in asking for another chance, part of me is hoping she is actually going to therapy and that maybe in a year we could meet again. Another part of me is sure I've just been forgotten entirely.

I am friends with all my exes because I've genuinely made an effort to be kind and understanding with them throughout and after our relationships. I'm the oldest I've ever been and I feel like I messed up royally with this girl, who is broken and dramatic (her words) but really has a good heart, better than any I've encountered when she's feeling good. I guess I'm just looking for support, maybe advice to try again or not. I feel lonely and heartbroken. The first month I was proud of myself for not going back into a BPD whirlwind with a woman and stopping it before it spiralled... but she was different, more self-aware than past relationships, and seemed to genuinely want her happily ever after with me... I learned more about the different styles of BPD and feel I didn't give this enough of a chance. Am I just being ignorant? Should I just be upfront with her and get it off my chest or hold back?

Sorry if my rant doesn't make any sense. I have lots of feeeelings and memory voids haha.

[caelan1990]

Hi everyone...

This is the first time I post in an online forum and I guess I just spent so much time browsing the internet for support, feeling unable to speak to friends about this, that I had the urge to post.

I've been broken up with my ex for about 1.5 months now... We dated for about 6 months. I have had experiences with BPD partners in the past, but being older and wiser I thought I had a better understanding of things. I consider myself patient and don't need a partner with "no problems". Contrary to my last exes with this illness, S was a genuine sweetheart to everyone - even to people she probably shouldn't have been. Her episodes were mostly self-loathing and self-directed, at first.

I feel like I put in so much effort to be gentle and understanding with her, but I still could have done better. She was not very communicative, would shut down a lot and told me in the end that she was agoraphobic. I will mention that we were Long Distance and saw each other for about a week or 2 each month, but talked/video every day. When we would see each other, I wanted to go out and show her cool things and build experiences, and she just wanted to smoke weed and stay in bed all day. I wish I had done more things at her pace in retrospect. I feel she was asking for intimacy, and I don't know why but I felt this need to show her the world and entertain her (my last BPD ex got mad at me for not taking her out enough).

Anyway, before I met her I had plans to move overseas and after I met her, I wanted her to come with me. She really seemed to want to, but was in a bad place in her life financially and mentally. We started arguing about silly things as my "leaving" date came nearer, like I'd ask a light question about her past and she'd explode, she'd tell me little nuggets of information of people who showed interest in her and when I'd ask more (to support her in the situation or share a laugh) she'd hang up or yell at me. Make things up like I was calling her a slut (I would never, most of my friends and exes are sex workers who I respect to the fullest).

She ended up telling me she was suicidal and she wanted to go to therapy but she wouldn't do it online, only in person if ever, and so she couldn't make plans with me to move. I know she's not going to therapy. She used to many years ago (was diagnosed with BPD very young). I told her I was concerned with our communication styles or lack of and how it would go if she didn't get counselled and we were apart for most of a year... she blew up again. Told me I was evil, abusive, unsupportive, and how she'd find someone else to sleep with who would appreciate her. Lots of other petty insults.

I don't know, that's a general summary. She apologized a week or so after no contact for the insults, said she never learned how to communicate and hurts people she loves the most. It wasn't a plea to get back together. I accepted the apology and gave her one too, for not being the partner she needed.

I reached out to her this week to wish her well and tell her I missed her... she told me she missed me too and thought I was a good person. Sounded like she's pretty over it, even though she told me I was the love of her life and would always be. If I wasn't so far away, I feel like I'd ask her to try again. She always apologized after her outbursts, and would show amazing self-awareness to an extent. Something I never saw in previous partners. I feel like I messed up something good by not listening to/interpreting her needs enough. I'm traveling for a year and there's no point in asking for another chance, part of me is hoping she is actually going to therapy and that maybe in a year we could meet again. Another part of me is sure I've just been forgotten entirely.

I am friends with all my exes because I've genuinely made an effort to be kind and understanding with them throughout and after our relationships. I'm the oldest I've ever been and I feel like I messed up royally with this girl, who is broken and dramatic (her words) but really has a good heart, better than any I've encountered when she's feeling good. I guess I'm just looking for support, maybe advice to try again or not. I feel lonely and heartbroken. The first month I was proud of myself for not going back into a BPD whirlwind with a woman and stopping it before it spiralled... but she was different, more self-aware than past relationships, and seemed to genuinely want her happily ever after with me... I learned more about the different styles of BPD and feel I didn't give this enough of a chance. Am I just being ignorant? Should I just be upfront with her and get it off my chest or hold back?

Sorry if my rant doesn't make any sense. I have lots of feeeelings and memory voids haha.

[arjay]

.."I have had experiences with BPD partners in the past, but being older and wiser I thought I had a better understanding of things.."

I spent a year in counseling, working on myself after my 5-year relationship ended.  What were "you" thinking, was a common question I was asked repeatedly by the counselor, when discussing the chaos of the relationship and why I stayed.  Considering you suggested you have had more than one partner that suffered from BPD, you may want to ask yourself the same question.  

I was the "white knight"; the "fixer".  You may wish to consider if that has been your motivation in the past.  In my case, I felt "value" in myself thinking I was "helping" someone else.  Why did I not "value" myself and needed to have some external reason to define my "value"? It took counseling and personal-work, for me to recognize and overcome those tendencies.  

Surely we can all be in a relationship where we maybe made a "bad choice", but when that tendency repeats, it may be time to look at ourselves and ask "why".

All the best