Living with with SO who has not accepted diagnosis or treatment

[robie]

Hello, this is my first post, and have so many questions.  However, my first question is how do I approach a partner who received a diagnosis of BPD 5 years ago and has not (to my knowledge) sought treatment of any kind, and suggest that he does?

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[robie]

Hello, this is my first post, and have so many questions.  However, my first question is how do I approach a partner who received a diagnosis of BPD 5 years ago and has not (to my knowledge) sought treatment of any kind, and suggest that he does?

[Rev]

Hi Robie,

And welcome!  Thank you for your question. You've said you've got others coming, so I expect they'll be coming. While we're waiting for those, I'd invite you to browse the site. Maybe some of the answers you're looking for are there.

In the meantime - suggesting that a SO get help can be touchy in any circumstance. It really is contextual.

So, if it's okay, could I ask a few questions for clarification?

- How long have you been together?  What are your living arrangements like?
- You say "to the best of your knowledge".  Could you unpack that a bit and say more?
- What is prompting you to want him to seek treatment? Could you unpack that a bit also?

Thanks.  With a little more context, it will be easier to tease out a path forward. 

Rev

[SaltyDawg]

Yikes, 5 years is a long time, ago.

You need to first and foremost deal with yourself, as you can only change you, you cannot change your partner, they need to want to change themselves, and that often doesn't happen. 

Like the Rev said, you would need to expand on your questions a bit more.

[waverider]

Just be careful, you can fall into a trap here. First off realize that most do not seek treatment and many who do only attempt it as token effort and dont commit, or stick to it, once it gets hard.

I say this so that it doesnt become your be all, fix all, that you desperately hang out for, as this can often lead to endless despair for partners. Your focus needs to be on how best to handle what is in front of your right now. Tomorrows cure may never come, and is out of your control.

[robie]

Thank you for the answers.

To provide a little more context, I would add that I do a lot of work on myself trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and recently, in order to better understand my own anxiety issues I started to see a therapist again.  The walking on eggshells aspect of living with somebody with bpd has taken a toll and I started binge drinking once every few months, and that has been a pattern in my life as long as I can remember whenever other outlets to vent have not been available or just not pursued.

My partner and I have been living together for 5 years and started dating in late 2013.  I would call him high functioning as we have been able to maintain some solid friendships. 

Mostly, I witness his daily struggle, and he knows his brain works differently, and we do often discuss that, however, I think if he were to discuss his diagnosis and at the very least understand his bpd, it might help him and me and provide context for future discussions on the topic. 

In the past, he has suggested that seeing a therapist would be a good idea, but because of where we live and a language barrier, it has been difficult to find someone, until now which is why I posed the question on how ro approach, but I guess it is best to wait until he brings it up again. 

[Rev]

Hi Robie -

Thanks so much for the context.

It sounds like you've got a pretty supportive relationship going. That's already a big portion of what a person needs.

And it sounds like maybe what he needs is some professional support to acquire some tools.

Waiting until he brings it up sounds like  good idea.

How severe is the language barrier? And as far as location is concerned- have you thought about on-line. For some people it can work as well or better even than in person.

Just some thoughts.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[SaltyDawg]

I think that it's great that you are acknowledging your own issues and are working on them with a therapist.  btw, binge drinking is potentially a symptom of BPD and anxiety can be a trait of BPD.  I did a deep dive on myself before introducing my uBPDw to the concept to make sure that the projections and transferences on me were only cognitive distortions.  My wife indicates that she is open to therapy; however, she hasn't pursued it.  I plan on doing some gentle reminders in the upcoming week to see where it goes.  I won't push; however, her actions and/or inactions will determine what I do next.

Right now I am concentrating on protecting our children, and re-establishing a reasonable level of sanity in our family dynamic by providing and enforcing boundaries for my borderline wife.

I feel that your best bet is to encourage your partner to see a therapist as well [you should not be your partner's therapist; however, do be supportive and reaffirm that you will be there for them].  Perhaps you can use your therapist to help your partner find a therapist that can handle BPD.  With regards to the language barrier, there is virtual counseling, all you need is a stable internet connection and I am sure you can find a therapist where the language would not be a barrier.

Also, if your partner is a more conventional (non-high functioning) BPD, they will stick to therapy; however, as waverider indicated for a high-functioning one they may likely do a token effort.