Want to help sister with BPD and DPD

[Brando123]

My 22yr old sister has BPD. She and my mom have a relationship where my mom walks on eggshells and bends her knee for her 24/7. My sister hasn’t worked a job or had a real friend in years because of her BPD. If my mom were to even bring it up in a passive way, my sister would have a complete breakdown and start accusing my mom of terrible things. She refuses therapy and it’s an unspoken rule to never address the problem to her. I’m worried that however I bring up the issue, it will cause my sister to spiral out of control and she may become dangerous. This is under control right now, but I don’t know how to address it without making it go out of control.

[livednlearned]

By dangerous, do you mean self harm and suicidal ideation?

There may be some manageable things you can do that range between where you're at now, and confronting her directly.

Most of us focus on tiny little changes since incremental change is less likely to trigger worse behaviors.

Has she been evaluated by a professional and given a BPD dx? Not that it matters too much, since many of us here have family members without formal diagnoses. It's about trying to understand the conditions that led her to have so much control of your mom and you.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by someone with BPD. And it takes specific relationship and communication skills to increase the odds that things will change for the better.

Is your sibling older than you?

[Brando123]

Thanks for the response, she hasn’t been diagnosed because she refuses to see a doctor. She actually thinks she has autism which is a possibility but she would also be high functioning and diagnosed with BPD as well, probably. BPD hasn’t been brought up to her, but my mom and I are in agreement that it’s most likely there. She’s older than me I’m 19 and she’s 22. What small steps should I take to make things better?

[livednlearned]

What small steps should I take to make things better?

It might be easier to work with an example. Can you think of something that happens repeatedly that we could help with?

Has she engaged in dangerous behaviors before?