Mum has BPD I’m almost positive - since I had kids she’s flipped out

[Fatigued88]

I’m 38. Mum completely fits the bill. She’s a trauma and abuse survivor from her childhood, she is unstable and as a parent impossible to please. Since my kids were born three years ago she has grown increasingly hostile. Most recently when I didn’t tell her about my birthday plans until over two weeks before my birthday she felt this was evidence of me excluding her (“I’m always the last to know!” She said, which is simply not true) and when I finally got fed up with this constant victim refrain and said (quite carefully and at least I don’t think with any rancour) that to weeks was enough time and I didn’t want her to keep bringing conflict into my home, she completely flipped out and started this tirade against me that kept escalating and escalating and culminated in her screaming at the top of her lungs that she hated me and then she called me a c**t. A few days later she texted saying ‘we were all probably a bit upset and that we could just forget it happened and meet on my birthday’. I said I was troubled by that because she said something that was deeply personal and wounding and it wasn’t right to suggest that it was somehow on par with my request that she don’t bring conflict to my house related to my very low key birthday plans (I mean, I’m 38 and have two kids under three- my birthday is not a major priority for me when we’re all mega busy with a newborn). She then refused to speak to me and refused to arrange a time to talk and sort it out. She certainly didn’t apologise for saying she hated me and wrote a text saying my anger was the wall between us — seriously! To top it off, she said she’d drop a present off to our door on my birthday and I asked her to please not do so into things were nicer. She ignored that and dropped it off anyway. I haven’t opened it and won’t until she calls to apologise. Might be waiting a while. Normally, we just avoid triggers for her and do our best to allay her paranoia but this time I just couldn’t let it pass and wanted to set some boundaries for her behaviour. Any advice from people in similar situations would be much appreciated. My partner has been super sweet to mum but I can feel this has strained things badly. It’s definitely the most extreme thing Mum’s said to me. I wonder if her age is making her more impulsive. I don’t know. It’s been a disturbing birthday tbh

[Couscous]

  Fatigued98

It is very typical for BPD mothers to start acting out when grandchildren enter the picture as their separation anxiety gets activated because their adult daughters no longer have as much free time to devote to them. She's reacting no differently than a preschooler would to the addition of new sibling. It might help to think of your mother as an additional child of yours. All you can do is validate her feelings of being left out and reassure her that you still love her -- but that you are going to be quite busy going forward.

A great book that can help you with boundaries and setting limits is Mothers Who Can't Love, by Susan Forward. Getting a therapist could also be quite helpful.

[Fatigued88]

Thanks Couscous. 

I suppose you’re right. ‘Parenting’ her definitely what I’ve felt like I’ve been doing since they were born. I’m actually her son. I don’t have a sister but am definitely in that role. One thing I struggle with - particularly in this instance - is being fed up with having to parent my mum when I'm ‘in the trenches’ with a baby and toddler right now. As in, I’m fatigued, expanding all my emotional energy caring for the kids and managing my toddlers antics, and really have never needed stability from my mum more—instead, it’s the opposite. She’s spiraled and seems even more paranoid and vicious. What you suggest is sort of like saying you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, which is true. But oh my it’s hard when you feel short changed by having to parent your children as well as your own mother. Usually I can manage that feeling and take the path of least resistance. I suppose I’m just very tired at the moment and not as patient, and kind of reckoning with this new thing to wish I’d had (a stable grandma for my kids) just like the stable mum I wish I’d had. I have to accept the fact that mum isn’t going to change.

I’ll check out those books you recommend. Thanks again.

[Couscous]

I’m actually her son.

Oops, my bad. Sorry about that! 

One thing I struggle with - particularly in this instance - is being fed up with having to parent my mum when I'm ‘in the trenches’ with a baby and toddler right now. As in, I’m fatigued, expanding all my emotional energy caring for the kids and managing my toddlers antics, and really have never needed stability from my mum more—instead, it’s the opposite.

I suppose I’m just very tired at the moment and not as patient, and kind of reckoning with this new thing to wish I’d had (a stable grandma for my kids) just like the stable mum I wish I’d had. I have to accept the fact that mum isn’t going to change.

It is indeed a bitter pill to have to swallow that our mothers have also turned out to be unreliable grandmothers. I had pinned on a lot on hoping that my mother was somehow going to be a better grandmother than she was a mother and that the role-reversal was going to magically flip. Sadly this did not happen.

It’s good that you’re fed up with being her parent. You actually have no obligation to continue in the parental role and you have the absolute right (and even, obligation) to conserve your emotional energy and pull back on being her caretaker, especially at this stage in your life, because it’s not good for your or your kids. Your family of “procreation” is supposed to come before your family of origin (your parents and siblings). You may experience a lot of anxiety at the thought of “abandoning” your mother, but there comes a time when everyone has to finally grow up, including our mothers.   

I think Mother’s Who Can’t Love will be very helpful for you in spite of it being marketed at women, so I hope that won’t put you off reading it! The advice applies equally to anyone who has been in put in the parent role as a child — including sons. Another book you might also find helpful is Mother Enmeshed Men, and this one’s written for sons. 

[Fatigued88]

Thanks again Couscous

I’ve had about ten years of counseling or talk therapy on and off and got a lot out of it. One of the most cathartic things I did was to write a letter to mum that I would not send. Wow it all came pouring out. It is troubling to me that my first girlfriend was a trauma survivor and for sure C-PTSD or BPD - you don’t have to be Freud to work that out. Anyway that ended years ago, and even though I learned lots about BPD at that time, I didn’t put two and two together re my mum. It was only when my wife suggested it, as one of her friends has a BPD diagnosis that it twigged. And so, in my mid thirties, I’m like ‘ohhhh yep, that makes sense.’ I must say it’s been really helpful these last couple of weeks when all this drama has happened. The Karpman triangle really is a useful thing to learn. For me the harder part will be not learning stuff with my head but unlearning stuff through my heart. All that enmeshment. All that emotional ‘incest’. There’s a lot to unlearn there. One thing though that I find missing from the BPD stuff online - that I’ve read anyway - is that it’s not particularly attentive to a parents trauma and the social and often economic conditions that create the ecosystem for BPD. Like, my mum’s family was very impoverished when she was a girl, and she was abused and grew up in a toxic and dangerous environment. She experienced assault and incest - not emotional incest but abuse and possibly rape (I don’t know the details) by a family member. I suspect some psychologists would say ‘ah well that’s you just expressing your enmeshment’ and individualising the whole thing. But man, I feel sorry for my mum. My wife does too. Some feminist informed sexual assault services in my city are very good at situating these relationship and interpersonal dynamics within a much bigger problem of inequality and gender based violence by men. I’ve heard trauma survivors describe their chaotic adult lives as creative acts of brilliant survival. I can respect that, and want to  appreciate what mum has survived, at the same time, I don’t effing want her to act like a jealous toddler about her newborn grandchild! What a balance one needs to achieve to hold those two things. I’m so tired from just being a parent of a toddler and newborn  that I’m not in the best place to achieve that balance if I’m honest.

Thanks for the book recommendations by the way.

[zachira]

You are right about the hardest part being unlearning things with your heart instead of learning them with your head. My mother with BPD is dead. As children of a mother with BPD, we are groomed  from birth to take on our mother's overwhelming feelings. It goes something less this: Mom is feeling some intolerable feelings so she dumps them on the nearest target, and if she has children than they bear her wrath because they are the easiest more vulnerable targets. Mom feels better after she has unloaded her feelings, and the children feel a range of mixed emotions: confusion, unloved, sad, angry, etc., It takes lots of work to acknowledge your feelings and not take on those of your mother. From my experience, practicing meditation and checking in with myself about what I am feeling throughout the day, helps me to process feelings and not allow any feelings to become so overwhelming. With time, I have become more able to spend less time on feelng overwhelmed and the feelings are not as intense as with past incidences with my narcissistic family. The best advice my therapist ever gave me is when in the presence of a dysfunctional person, is to observe how I feel inside, instead of observing their feelings and taking them on as my own. As a son, you have been groomed by your mother with BPD in different ways than a daughter would to take care of your mother and be her protector. As a father, you are so clear about your responsiblities being first to your own children, and to protect them from their grandmother's dysfunctional behaviors. You are far from alone in having to make decisions about how to protect your children from your mother with BPD dysfunctional behaviors, as we frequently have other members write about similar situations to yours.

[Fatigued88]

Thanks for responding Zachira.

How sad but also strangely reassuring that my story is not that unusual.

[Mommydoc]

Fatigued88, I can hear the frustration and anguish in your posts. As a mother and pediatrician, I can say with confidence, that your desire to focus on your young family, and bond with your new born as your first priority is spot on. This is where you should be putting your emotional energy. The sleep deprivation and fatigue can be very challenging, but I promise, it does get better, particularly once you get good sleep schedules established with both of your beautiful children.Establishing strong routines, particularly with sleep, for both of them will be a gift to you as a parent and to them.

I also hear empathy for your mother and her history of childhood trauma and abuse.  In dealing with a family member with BPD, we often talk here about the conflicting emotions that we are working through which can create significant confusion. I often struggle with an internal conflict, between my values of kindness and empathy and setting boundaries, self protection and getting my own needs met when dealing with my sister wBPD. I am wondering if you feel like your emotions are in conflict ? You can have compassion for what she has been through, connect her with support without allowing her to bully you or making you her punching bag. You don’t deserve that.

SET ( support, empathy and truth) may be a helpful framework to use with your mom. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

I am glad you have had therapy and past experience with BPD, as you can draw on those experiences and insights. I agree with Couscous about letting go of your sense of obligation to continue to parent her. She will likely continue to behave as she has and her ability to provide support to you and be a good grandmother may be limited. Everything will be about her. I understand the disappointment, as it may not be congruent with what you hoped for, but letting go of those expectations may spare you additional emotional turmoil.

This may sound impossible as an exhausted parent of young children, but I hope you can make self care a focus right now. I used to find mid afternoon before my husband came home with my 2 year old and newborn particularly challenging, as they both got very cranky and both seemed to need more than I could give at that moment. I was also recovering from ACL reconstructive surgery ( 4 weeks after a c-section, crazy), and needed to do my PT. I packed the baby and the 2 yr old into a double stroller, put loud music on my EarPods and found the bumpiest hilliest area of my neighborhood and walked until they stopped crying. It didn’t take long at all and I felt great, getting exercise, getting to listen to loud music, and most of all they usually were both calm and or asleep within 10 minutes . Needless to say that became one of our daily routines and it always calmed both kids down, at times when nothing else worked. I also learned how to incorporate infant massage, singing, reading, and rocking them into a fairly long bedtime routine that was as much self care for me as it was for caring for them. Those options may not work for you, but I  encourage you to work in mindfulness, exercise and self care into caring for your young children. It will bring you joy and help combat some of the fatigue, as well as help you disconnect from your mom and the negative energy she is contributing to your life.

[Fatigued88]

Hi mommydoc,
Thanks for your kind words. Definitely, I feel conflicted emotions:  empathy and sadness for mum on the one hand, and self preservation, self respect and protectiveness of my children & partner on the other.
I’ll have a look at those SET resources. Thanks for sharing.
You know, often I treat bath book and bedtime with my son as a chore at the end of a long day. But really, it is quite special, and only a brief time in mine and his life where we have this ritual. So I’ll try to treat it like a moment of peace and connection. I noticed that in the week my mum told me she hated me (see original post) that I was impatient with my pre school son. It wasn’t fair. I felt sad and grumpy. I’ve decided to go back to therapy. Like that Karpman triangle resource, I really need to own my feelings and distress and not act passively and take it out on others.

[Fatigued88]

Hi again,
Can anyone tell me if it is common for people with BPD to deny saying they said things? My mum has finally cooled off and is seeking to reconnect (not by apologising but rather by listing all her health problems and asking for a picture of her grandchildren). When I reminded her she said she hated me, she claims she doesn’t remember and ‘maybe felt like she said she hated talking to me’. Simply not true. Using the SET approach I tried to possibly describe what happened. She’s now offended again, suggesting I’m horrible for putting a sick woman through this ‘disrespectful talk’. The cycle continues. Is the thing that’s happening here that she can’t confront the fact that she said something like that? Or that she was in such a blind rage that she literally didn’t know what she was saying?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yes, it is.

Borderlines can't stand shame and will make up stories to match their emotional world, or completely dissociate and forget altogether what they said, and what happened. They will rewrite a memory completely, making you feel like the crazy one.

Once, my mother went as far as telling me how I felt and why I acted the way I acted, and said the things I said, RIGHT AFTER I explained her how I felt and why. Somehow, HER mind reading was the real thing, and I didn't know how I felt myself... because acknowledging my inner world was too shameful for her. It would have required her to look back at our life and relationship, and admit that I was the only victim (as the child, and her as the mother), and that her parenting decision (severe alcoholism, neglect, physical violence) is what led me to develop C-PTSD and be in a state of fear when in her presence, even today.

What is unclear to me is if they lie willingly, or if they truly believe what they are saying. I personally think they truly believe their own "lies", so is it really lying then? ... Crazy making for us, that's for sure though!

I also think my BPD mother dreams, or thinks during night time about things, and then she truly believes those things happened. They are hard to follow sometimes, and indeed, it is often better not to confront them on their "lies", because of their emotional reaction to the shame. Toward the end, I'd answer her something like : "Is that so? This is surprising."

[Fatigued88]

Gee that sounds really rough on you River Wolf. Seriously.

Funnily - well it seems a bit funny because otherwise I’d have to really confront how distressing this is - but she lied and eventually, after a bit of discussion actually admitted to saying it but then said she’d already apologised for ‘offending me’. I said, calmly, I’d prefer an apology that she actually said such a thing, to which she said ‘fine, I’m sorry I said that’. It was really bizarre. I genuinely thought we might have a heart to heart because I was really trying to bring that vibe. I had been really trying to step out of the Karpman drama triangle  and do the alternative, and uses the SET technique, acknowledging her pain, saying I cared about her, and then expressing my vulnerability and saying it really hurt me that she would say something like that. The strange thing was, it was working for me, I felt good saying it and got across my experience and the things I wanted to communicate, both caring but setting clear boundaries around what’s acceptable; but for her, it just seemed to infuriate her even more! I asked her to pinpoint the thing I did which has so upset her and she couldn’t except to say, ‘you speak disrespectfully to me in a way that no son should to their mother.’ I asked for specifics but she couldn’t give one. She said she’d write a letter to me and my wife. Even though I didn’t get the heart to heart, or a genuine apology for her saying a truly horrendous thing, I came away feeling strangely content with how I’d handled it. It’s like in that Karpman triangle article: if you can step outside the rescue/persecute/victim triangle and move to the care/vulnerable/assertive approach, you can kind of draw the person’s chaos and extreme unreasonableness out into the open see it for what it is, tragic. I’m grateful to have come across this forum!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yes... Borderline personality disorder is a tragedy. I wrote that somewhere else, and I do believe it now.

The thing is, they are very impulsive, and reacts to shame. And it's like part of their inner world is stuck in the past, without them being aware of it. To a certain extent, I think we all have moments when we project our past on the present, and react to it, but most of us can snap out of it, and acknowledge what is happening. I mean... that's why we go into therapy, truly...

With my BPD mother, there were some tender moments where she seemed to grasp something... Where I would get her to self-regulate, and we'd enjoy a few days of "normalcy" (I would always be walking on egg shells mind you and never truly feel safe), but at least, I'd get the feeling that I got through to her... But be prepared, because those moments do not last. That's BPD too...

She would go back on her own, and ruminate... and then out of nowhere, she would be mad at me, or create some kind of drama to draw attention on her, and regain her state of victim/savior, and I'd be painted as persecutor and be left bewildered, trying to understand what had happened between our last warm exchange and this new crisis. We can step out of the triangle, but they seldom do, and when they do, it doesn't last.

There is also a distance component to the dynamic... The further I was from her physically (10 hours away by car), the warmer our relationship was. Moving out of her house at 14yo rendered a relationship possible with her for a long time. It wasn't healthy, mind you, I was parentified heavily, but at least, it almost nullified the abuse. Living with them or near them... goodness precious... I went back to live with her last year to look for houses and other professional reasons, and it took two weeks and it was rages after rages, constant rages, there was no putting out the fire, no tenderness anymore. Just rages and blame, and trying to suppress my individuality to mold me into what she needed me to be... I left abruptly. This is when I realized she was borderline.

It's a very strange personality disorder...