Empathy or egoism?

[Jucab]

Something has been on my mind is that all the nice things that she did was it because they made her feel good. How do I explain this (because even for me it is still very confusing),,, all the things she did for me were based on what she felt at the time, more than doing them for me .

I don't know how to explain it, I understand that we all do something in order to feel good, but now, more than a month after the breakup, I feel that she had no real empathy but actions as a response of how she was feeling at the moment, something more selfish than empathy.

The fact that she broke up with me when I needed her the most (I am living abroad and my best friend, with whom I came to this country, returned to his home in Chile so Im feeling a lot of sadness), being that I never asked her for anything, left me very confused,,, does anyone identify with this feeling?

I was also struck by the extreme concern she felt for animals, being that sometimes she was more affectionate with them than with me... the same logic applies here, did she saw animals as a projection of herself?

[Tupla Sport]

Hello, and welcome.

My ex with quiet BPD certainly had this flair. She seemed to have a code of conduct that had very little to do with my actual emotional responses and actions. She would for example berate herself on missing minor details, like for example if she momentarily forgot which side of the street our bus was going to go. She called herself an idiot and I had to tell her that by calling herself an idiot she's implying that making tiniest errors like that makes people idiots in her head. I know it was kind of insecure on my part, but it did make me nervous.

During the worst of our fights she would also ask me to abuse her to make things right. When I told her I was not going to do that she asked me again, telling me that it's the only way for her to be sure she's forgiven.

All very unnerving, uncalled for and sort of... transactional. Like kids in kindergarden would ask you to slap them back if they hurt you too bad.

[Jucab]

Hey Tupla, thanks for taking your time reading and answering.

Yes, transactional would be a good word to describe it. Mine was so charismatic that I felt she was really taking care of me. This kind of behaviour plus the lack of intimacy (almost no sex, sometimes very cold behaviour -like not saying goodbye to me when she took the train back to her house-, the fact that we slept on separate beds and rarely kissed), makes me think that they are only in a for a relationship if that brings them some sort of reassurance to them on a very egoistic manner, even if its coated in an empathy form.

[Tupla Sport]

Hey Tupla, thanks for taking your time reading and answering.

Yes, transactional would be a good word to describe it. Mine was so charismatic that I felt she was really taking care of me. This kind of behaviour plus the lack of intimacy (almost no sex, sometimes very cold behaviour -like not saying goodbye to me when she took the train back to her house-, the fact that we slept on separate beds and rarely kissed), makes me think that they are only in a for a relationship if that brings them some sort of reassurance to them on a very egoistic manner, even if its coated in an empathy form.

My ex would absolutely lunge at the opportunity to do anything positive to me that did not require a risk of any sort of confrontation. When I got covid she was eager to shop for me. Even bought me an extra bar of my favourite chocolate I did not order. Bought me a lavish gift for my birthday that was within two months of us meeting for the first time. Made delicious meals. Once I had something not positive to say about the food and she was mortified. She mixed some ingredients and it didn't quite pan out and she got furious that I was being so ungrateful.

[SinisterComplex]

Be careful here. While I get where your thought process is at don't go down the path that it is just because of disordered behavior. Unfortunately, I would say society as a whole has a problem with confrontation.

To that end you have to wonder is the disordered behavior due to a disorder or is it possible the behaviors have been normalized due to conditioning.

Just as an example...I am someone who thrives in the face of confrontation and conflict, but more because I am comfortable with it. It is how you grow and learn after all. However, in dealing with the public as a whole I find it puzzling how so many struggle with simple confrontation such as posing a different viewpoint contrary to their beliefs.

Now the point where I agree with both of you...the transactional behavior. 100%. But again even with the transactional behavior...you have to question if in that person's world that is their normal? There is a very fine line between normal behavior and disordered behavior based on conditioning and norms.

My point here is to provide some food for thought.

Carry on...

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Jucab]

Be careful here. While I get where your thought process is at don't go down the path that it is just because of disordered behavior. Unfortunately, I would say society as a whole has a problem with confrontation.

To that end you have to wonder is the disordered behavior due to a disorder or is it possible the behaviors have been normalized due to conditioning.

Just as an example...I am someone who thrives in the face of confrontation and conflict, but more because I am comfortable with it. It is how you grow and learn after all. However, in dealing with the public as a whole I find it puzzling how so many struggle with simple confrontation such as posing a different viewpoint contrary to their beliefs.

Now the point where I agree with both of you...the transactional behavior. 100%. But again even with the transactional behavior...you have to question if in that person's world that is their normal? There is a very fine line between normal behavior and disordered behavior based on conditioning and norms.

My point here is to provide some food for thought.

Very clever observation SinisterComplex, what you are saying makes me remember a lot what Foucault said about Pathologies, at the end, who define what is a pathological state and a normal state?  At the end, I'm just trying to harmonize heart and brain,,, my brain says "leave her go" and my heart "you still love her, be open if she comes back in the future", so maybe I'm trying too hard to see blackness where there isn't,,, for now I will keep NC and let time do its thing.

Thanks for your insightful input

[SinisterComplex]

Very clever observation SinisterComplex, what you are saying makes me remember a lot what Foucault said about Pathologies, at the end, who define what is a pathological state and a normal state?  At the end, I'm just trying to harmonize heart and brain,,, my brain says "leave her go" and my heart "you still love her, be open if she comes back in the future", so maybe I'm trying too hard to see blackness where there isn't,,, for now I will keep NC and let time do its thing.

Thanks for your insightful input

I jump in when necessary because it is so easy for your emotions to take you down a narrow path. You cannot be faulted for it of course because it happens and that is human. However, that is why it is best to have support who will always speak up and tell what you need to hear and not necessarily what you want to hear. Essentially, it is all about keeping balance. As much as I help those who have been hurt by those with disorders I also help those with the disorders themselves.

At the end of the day we all have a responsibility to learn and grow. This is why I say disorders are a reason for behaviors, but they are not excuses. We all can and should make the choice to strive to be better!

Want better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-