nagging thought

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all!

It’s been almost 2 months since the last contact with my ex. I’ve been working on my beliefs in regards to myself (more on that later) and general mindfulness. It’s been a process, but I am motivated and open to suggestions   !

There is one particular aspect that I am having trouble with.

Our last (video) conversation was (from my point of view) friendly and pleasant. I even felt excited to share that I enjoyed these drinks that are only available where he lives, and he said he’d be happy to send them to me. I ended the call because it was supper time for me, although it did seem like he wanted to talk more. I said it was lovely to talk to him, and that I am happy.

After that, silence. We used to exchange messages here and there, often initiated by him, but after this call nothing. I sent him a text a couple of weeks later to ask for a recipe, and it seemed like it wasn’t delivered (which would happen whenever he blocked me). I haven’t tried to contact him since.

Why is this bothering me so much? My brain is overthinking this interaction and keeps coming back to it.  I circle through:

Was I too friendly? Not friendly enough? Is he too busy with his girlfriend? Does she not want him to be in contact with me? Did he feel like I wasn't worth having in his life anymore? Why did he change his mind so suddenly? Did I just think that I was confident but really come off as disingenuine?

My mind knows a good way to deal with this sort of thing is to allow the thoughts to be. Fighting them just makes it worse. Plus, I know that I am doing the right thing by not reacting (I mean not trying to contact him) and reinforcing feelings of calm and confidence in the knowing that this ultimately doesn’t have anything to do with me. It's unfortunate, since I had felt confident in myself during that conversation, and happy for him and open to being friends, but now I find myself having these old thought patterns where I blame myself.

All of that is great and all, but for today, I just want to know what you guys think and if you have any advice on how to let go.

[tina7868]

Hi all!

It’s been almost 2 months since the last contact with my ex. I’ve been working on my beliefs in regards to myself (more on that later) and general mindfulness. It’s been a process, but I am motivated and open to suggestions   !

There is one particular aspect that I am having trouble with.

Our last (video) conversation was (from my point of view) friendly and pleasant. I even felt excited to share that I enjoyed these drinks that are only available where he lives, and he said he’d be happy to send them to me. I ended the call because it was supper time for me, although it did seem like he wanted to talk more. I said it was lovely to talk to him, and that I am happy.

After that, silence. We used to exchange messages here and there, often initiated by him, but after this call nothing. I sent him a text a couple of weeks later to ask for a recipe, and it seemed like it wasn’t delivered (which would happen whenever he blocked me). I haven’t tried to contact him since.

Why is this bothering me so much? My brain is overthinking this interaction and keeps coming back to it.  I circle through:

Was I too friendly? Not friendly enough? Is he too busy with his girlfriend? Does she not want him to be in contact with me? Did he feel like I wasn't worth having in his life anymore? Why did he change his mind so suddenly? Did I just think that I was confident but really come off as disingenuine?

My mind knows a good way to deal with this sort of thing is to allow the thoughts to be. Fighting them just makes it worse. Plus, I know that I am doing the right thing by not reacting (I mean not trying to contact him) and reinforcing feelings of calm and confidence in the knowing that this ultimately doesn’t have anything to do with me. It's unfortunate, since I had felt confident in myself during that conversation, and happy for him and open to being friends, but now I find myself having these old thought patterns where I blame myself.

All of that is great and all, but for today, I just want to know what you guys think and if you have any advice on how to let go.

[Tupla Sport]

Hello!

I can only speak for myself, but to me, the way that BPD people, perhaps especially the ones with the quiet type, act seems often contradictory and incoherent. I had a sort of a similar experience when my ex dumped me. There was this weird tonal shift to her messages after the end that didn't make sense to me.

This is a shot in the dark, but what you described seems like he "othered" you. And that allowed him to act so friendly and nice to you. You completely stopped being an ex and became just a person who they needed to show a happy face to but ultimately, not engage further.

I'm saying this because it sounds like how my ex was. Even overtly amicable and friendly when discussing the breakup. Just wanted to sweep everything under the rug and move on. If they have someone new lined up or established, they will be over the moon, beaming with happiness, and able to use that energy to show you the happy face.

And this is generally not what you do in a breakup. Even if you're doing well, you just don't naturally rub your elation and happiness of a new partner in the ex's face because you have basic empathy for people. You act a touch solemn and keep your distance.

What I'm basically saying is that people with BPD don't tackle breakups or a great number of emotional things the way non-BPD people do. He could have been planning on having you as a friend, could also not have been planning that. No matter what you do or don't, you can't predict their behavior. And that's maddening.

[tina7868]

It is quite maddening indeed! Is there any way to be “un-othered” or is it one of those things to be added to the list of stuff to let go of? In the past he ended up contacting me, will it not be the case?

I am especially hurt by the block, but it is what it is. I guess the only cards I have to play at this point is to let it be.

I guess what I have to be willing to embrace is the unpredictability of his behaviour.

[Tupla Sport]

It is quite maddening indeed! Is there any way to be “un-othered” or is it one of those things to be added to the list of stuff to let go of? In the past he ended up contacting me, will it not be the case?

I am especially hurt by the block, but it is what it is. I guess the only cards I have to play at this point is to let it be.

I guess what I have to be willing to embrace is the unpredictability of his behaviour.

Well, going by his patterns he might contact you again. Especially if you were on amicable terms and they end up messing up their new relationship. It is impossible to know for certain. And it really is something to let go of, trying to figure that out.

The blocking might be something that they're doing an overkill on, like taking the needed space. A healthier person might go "I need no contact for X weeks or months or just indefinitely". Well, actually a BPD person may also say it. But they are rather more probably going to do something extreme like giving you the silent treatment and blocking you.

[tina7868]

But they are rather more probably going to do something extreme like giving you the silent treatment and blocking you.

What more do you think could be going on? I'd normally say blocking would come from a need for control, or a need to come out on top of some power dynamic, but this time I am stumped.

[Tupla Sport]

What more do you think could be going on? I'd normally say blocking would come from a need for control, or a need to come out on top of some power dynamic, but this time I am stumped.

They might be guarding their shame or a narrative they came up with to help themselves with the breakup. They might have even written you down as non-communicative and distant and by blocking you... you become distant by virtue of not being able to communicate!

My ex wanted an amicable breakup, made 110% sure she had "no ill will" towards me, and they still wanted to block me at the end of the day. Smile, wave, throw away the key. My ex would threaten to block me when I got hysterical for good reason but she never had a plan on how to plan the pickup for her things. So she would have just kept blocking me if I got weird, and she would not pickup her things because I was being hysterical. At least that's the vibe that I got. She didn't go "let's set a date when I come and pick my things and I will block you in the meanwhile if you get nasty". It was all "I will block you". Like a goddamn child.

[Cat Familiar]

Is there any way to be “un-othered” or is it one of those things to be added to the list of stuff to let go of?

Are you hoping to *make* him change his behavior?

In the past he ended up contacting me, will it not be the case?

Are you hanging onto the dream that he will someday be the person you’ve always wanted him to be?

I am especially hurt by the block, but it is what it is. I guess the only cards I have to play at this point is to let it be.

I guess what I have to be willing to embrace is the unpredictability of his behaviour.

This does not sound like *detaching*. It seems like you are waiting out this new relationship with the hope that he will return to you.

[tina7868]

It seems like you are waiting out this new relationship with the hope that he will return to you.

I think that, although I was hoping that I was moving forward, this is the truest statement about my state of mind.