BPD Mother is unmanageable

[Notwendy]

I am getting more updates about my mother's behavior. The social worker she was working with has transferred her to another case manager, I highly suspect that it is because of BPD mother being uncooperative and manipulative. So now, having a "fresh" person to work with, with no history, BPD mother has told her the situation as she sees it.

She again has brought up the idea of "moving near grandchildren" ( i.e me) and told the new case manager she thinks there's an issue between us due to something her FOO said. She makes no connection or doesn't want to make the connection between how she treats her children and why it's difficult to be around her. She doesn't seem to make the connection, or care if it is, between her uncooperative behavior and the fact that her home care staff either quits due to how she treats them, or she fires them when they don't meet her needs.

She's angry at her primary care doctor for not being there immediately when she calls him. She uses the ER sometimes if she wants to be seen immediately and there's no way to know if her needs are urgent or not. She also demands that her case manager come over immediately if she wants to talk about something. Basically, if someone doesn't respond to her requests immediately, she's dissatisfied with them.

I have now updated her case manager on her history, so that she understands that this isn't new behavior on her part. It's uncomfortable to share the details of our relationship but I did, and let her know it's not due to something someone said, but a long history of verbal and emotional abuse that has led to emotional distress on my part when I have tried to help her, and that the way she treats her helpers is similar to how she behaves with me and that I will not have another conversation with her about her wish to move near me because we have gone over that and she knows why it's not a manageable situation. It is apparent that she is not cooperative with her care team where she is.

Although she has a mental illness, she isn't considered legally mentally incompetent. As long as she has the money to pay for home care, (and available people to work) she can continue to be in charge, and if people don't comply, she can dismiss them. The conflict is that, the job qualifications of these people are such that they don't comply. Medical providers are not immediately available all the time and make their own professional judgment. Her home care staff also refuse unreasonable requests. This is a similar conflict with me- she makes a demand, with the expectation that I comply immediately and don't ask any questions.

There's nothing I can do about this. I can't change it. I guess I'm just expressing frustration with it because she's also elderly and needs assistance- but anyone who tries to help her must do it on her terms or it's not acceptable to her and her terms are not reasonable. There's no cooperation, no possible way to discuss anything with her.

[Methuen]

NW I’m so sorry.  I can hear your pain and frustration.  And I can relate.  You just described my mother.  They could be twins. 

I don’t have anything to offer that you don’t already know.  You have helped me so much. 

You once suggested an epsom salt bath at just the right moment.  I always find a few hours in nature helps to ground me. . 

How did the social worker respond to you when you disclosed your truths?  My mom’s social worker bought everything my mom said.  Deemed her not even qualifying for assisted living.  Mom cancelled her home care, and since I went back to work (to avoid her) obligates her friends to be her caretakers.  I was shown a text she sent to one of them. It’s horrifying but not surprising. 

Mom came to our house for Thanksgiving last weekend.  It took 3 people to get her up and down the stairs.  She has difficulty getting food to her mouth because of her Parkinson’s, and one practically has to yell because she can’t hear even with her hearing aids.  The things she says…

I have come to the miserable conclusion that all we can do is let them crash and burn on their on terms.  Without a diagnosis of mental illness they are still competent to make their own bad decisions. 

I’m basically waiting for her next fall or catastophe.  I’ve got a note in my purse to slip to the emerg doctor so they don’t release her from emerg into my care (as has been done in the past).  If they try, I won’t agree to it on the grounds that I can’t meet her medical, physical, and emotional needs.

So all we can do is the best we can to look after ourselves. It’s hard.

I’m especially sorry that your mom has brought up moving close  to you again.  But I am not surprised.  Her only concern is looking after herself and what she wants.  She clearly has designs for you to be her caretaker.  This is scary.  I have walked that walk, and it’s been traumatic.   How did the social worker respond when you said you were not having that conversation with her again?

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I feel so sad to hear all your mother is doing. I am glad Methuen responded as her situation with her mother is so similar to yours. If she weren't your mother, you would have written her off a long time ago. Is your mother capable of moving near you on her own, or would she absolutely have to have lots of outside help?

[Notwendy]

Thanks Methuen, I know you are in a similar situation.

It's hard for me to gage the reaction of my mother's case manager to what I told her. I think she understood my position. There's a lot of anxiety on my part when sharing this because when people have heard BPD mother's position, she's set the stage for them to believe her, not me. The case manager sounded sympathetic to her "wanting to talk" which tells me BPD mother has presented herself as the innocent victim here and convinced her case manager that it's because of something her FOO said. So the first impression she had was that it was a misunderstanding and not about BPD mother.

This position itself makes me feel as if I am in a no win situation because it's what she did with her FOO- convince them that I am the cause of the issues. But this time, I just said it all to the case manager without worrying what she thinks of me because there's nothing I can do about that.

I think she did believe me because what I reported lined up with what my mother's health care helpers reported. I do think she was a bit surprised to hear all that information though. She's been with BPD mother first and BPD mother has gotten her sympathy already. But she has enough information reported from others that aligns with what I told her. She did tell me that what I said was helpful.

So I spoke to GC sibling after that and was told that BPD mother said she's not happy with new case manager and is looking for someone else. I don't think case manager discussed our conversation but I think she too has professional boundaries and BPD mother doesn't like that.

You are right, there's nothing we can do but it's hard to see something like this and not be anxious about it being out of control. Yes, going to get those Epsom salts now and up the self care. It helps to know others here, like you,  understand. So many people don't. It's known that elderly people can be difficult but we could manage difficult. This is disordered and that's a different situation. Thanks for the support!

Zachira- she can't move without assistance. I don't think she could do it. She could possibly get others to help her but that isn't something I could control.

Would I have a relationship with her if we were not related? It's interesting as there was an elderly woman in our community who we would visit from time to time. We were not her caregivers- she did have help at home. She was very pleasant with visitors. I noticed her daughters didn't visit. I suspect people wondered if they were not caring people. I knew there might be more to that and that this woman could be delightful with visitors but maybe not the same way with her own daughters.  My BPD mother is a different personality with acquaintances. If we weren't related, she might also be that way with me. It is difficult to be someone who works for her or is a caregiver, but being an acquaintance is a different situation. I would not stay connected to someone who behaved like that if we were not related though but the nature of BPD is that she treats acquaintances differently.

[zachira]

It must be somewhat helpful that most of those people who work closely with your mother do see how badly she behaves. What is scary is if your mother actually finds a flying monkey to enlist in getting what she wants. It is disheartening to see those who are not close to your mother think she is wonderful and you are not a good daughter just because they buy your mother's false charming persona when she is with acquaintances.

[Notwendy]

She's always had flying monkeys. We've been afraid to say anything about her because, usually people didn't believe and thought we were horrible for saying them, or worse, crazy. She takes the position that I am being unreasonable and "keeping her from her grandchildren".

Yes they are adults and she can communicate with them, but I think she assumes the dynamics are similar to her and that I have triangulated them against her like she does with people "against" me. They they can see the situation themselves.

What has changed is the contact with helpers. She needs a lot of supervision and support- emotionally. My father provided that and did most household tasks, shopping, meal prep, driving and now she has help at home in the form of home health and elder care. With longer contact the workers have seen more of her behaviors. She's also been verbally and emotionally abusive with some of them. Most don't stay as helpers for long and they also report on her behavior. Before this, nobody outside the immediate family saw them and so people didn't believe it. Now other have seen it.

[Notwendy]

So she calls me up being all sweet and nice. That one is hard. From my experience, the being nice is a manipulations and I can tell from her voice that she's acting. When she's indifferent, it seems more authentic.

We have discussed here that the drama is a component of the relationship and that, without drama, the relationship seems distant. One way she has stirred up drama is through possessions- taking and even destroying things that we are attached to- making threats over them. One was the sentimental things belonging to my father that  she knew I wanted- and she'd call and say. I wondered why she brought up the "what do you want in the house" question again and kept on insisting I tell her even though I kept saying " I didn't call you to get your possessions, I called to see how you are doing" to which she responded " I need to know right now what you want!".

So, I eventually reply "yes" to the items she names, whether I want them or not. If she knows you want something, she won't give it to you.

Perhaps she's trying to get some kind of emotional reaction. At the time we discussed the "no don't come closer to me" it was difficult, and I did react, briefly, and she jumped at it. I quickly pulled back, seeing what has happened. Then came the threats.

I think it gives her some sense of power? It seems to frustrate her that I don't want her possessions. It's predictable- if she knows someone wants something, she keeps it. She knows what topics I have gotten emotional to before, and yet, still wants to discuss them.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
You talk with your mother on the phone from time to time. As always, she treats you in ways that make you uncomfortable. I am wondering what are the boundaries you have set with your mother when you have these phone calls with her? What kind of self care do you practice before, during, and after the calls?
Regarding your mother asking for what you want, you could name the things you want if there are any as things you absolutely don't want. I often say the opposite with my dysfunctional family members which works to keep me safer though does not feel comfortable for me. I like to tell the truth yet realize I am setting myself for being mistreated if I do with certain kinds of people.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think you could be right that it's about power. Maybe it's because she has control over the possessions, but not you, and maybe she resents that. You have had strong boundaries with your mother and that probably irks her because she didn't experience boundary setting much with other people in her life, from what you've related to us.

Maybe she also has some kind of theory that you just continue to speak to her so you can get her possessions, and she's looking for confirmation that she's right. Maybe she sees it as a power struggle even though it's not what she thinks is happening.

[Notwendy]

Zachira-

It's always uncomfortable. She's manipulative and I have to keep a guard up. This isn't instinctive on my part. I know she has an agenda when she calls.

It's a balance between maintaining some contact with her- because I choose too, as I know I would not feel OK with myself if I went NC. That's a decision based on my own feelings.

I do have boundaries. Sometimes I don't accept the call, sometimes I don't call her. Sometimes it's a manner of getting off the phone if it feels overwhelming.

I also don't share information that is emotionally personal to me. I don't trust her. But I can ask her how she is doing, give her general updates about the kids " Grandchild is enjoying their job" sort of thing. I don't share anything personal about the kids. She wants emotional information. She uses it for her own emotional needs, so I don't share it.

There is no way to know if what she tells me is true or not, but I am more likely to answer the phone to be sure she is OK. It's not that I can't hold a boundary with her, but that it's not my nature to be stern. The only way to deal with her is to be firm. Then she responds by feeling hurt.

I have made it clear to her many times that I don't call or visit because I want her possessions. I think it's that I don't want them that bothers her. The only way to keep an emotional boundary from her is to not want anything from her. I learned this as a child. If you are attached to something and she has access - she can do something hurtful with it.

[Couscous]

I’ve been reading a book that has some pretty interesting ideas on how to navigate a relationship with a dysfunctional parent. I thought of your situation when I read this bit from the chapter about initiating constructive conversations:

“Gee, Mom, I know you are not trying to confuse me, but you always seem to need me to come over and do things for you, and then you seem completely unhappy about it. I’m really concerned that something is really bothering you and making you unhappy, but I am not sure exactly what.”

Here’s a link for the book, titled Coping with Critical, Demanding and Dysfunctional Parents: https://a.co/6TYwwcA

[I Am Redeemed]

The only way to keep an emotional boundary from her is to not want anything from her. I learned this as a child. If you are attached to something and she has access - she can do something hurtful with it.

Oof. This really struck a cord.

You are probably right that it bothers her if you don't want her things. Maybe she keeps probing to see if she can get a foothold and this have something to wield power with.

Can I ask you, did you feel "stuck" on the phone with her at some point? How do you recognize that it's getting overwhelming and make a quick exit?

I struggle with this with my sister, who raised me and was basically my parent. She is high on narcissistic traits and the sight of her number on my phone triggers me

[Riv3rW0lf]

I have made it clear to her many times that I don't call or visit because I want her possessions. I think it's that I don't want them that bothers her. The only way to keep an emotional boundary from her is to not want anything from her. I learned this as a child. If you are attached to something and she has access - she can do something hurtful with it.

Hi Notwendy, I was grateful to read the care manager welcomed your story and found it helpful, that they didn't seem judgmental to you, and were willing to listen. I hope, despite your mother's efforts, that they will remain in charge of their case, if only to make your position easier.

I highlighted this part of your answer to Zachira because I wondered what would happened if you went along with it... If instead of saying you don't want her possessions, you implied that you really want one specific thing of hers (a thing that you don't really want). My therapist made me do that once, and it really was eye opening.. One of the few things that kinda helped.

It made my inner child giggles a little bit to be the mind player, it wasn't mean, but like an experiment if you will...and it did shift something inside me.

Like seeing the game, I knew existed, for the first time, with no emotional reactivity, because I was the instigator. If that makes sense.

To be fair, it might go against your values, and I'd understand that, but might be an interesting thing to try... She might break it and give it away, at which point you will be able to ask why with no emotional investment? An experiment...

Otherwise, it does seem about control. Part of me believes your boundaries with her makes her feel worthless, connect to her shame and abandonment, so she tries to appeal to you through material things, to get back control, but also some sense of worth. If her things are worth something to you, then so does she...like you alluded once, maybe part of her would like to see you care for her things as much as you cared for your father's things... But her illness makes it impossible to see that the strain on the relationship was her making...

 

[Rev]

Hi NW,

I'm just latching on to this now.  And there's all kind of great stuff here already.

So instead of adding to the insights, I'll add something else. Sometimes, when we're weary, and we need to vent, it helps to hear something that we know and are maybe in danger of forgetting, even if for a moment.

NW, I love the manner in which you take things head on and remain undaunted in affirming the truth about matters without making them personal. It's a jewel of a gift, which in my mind, makes you a jewel of a person.

This one sounds like it's getting heavy. And I just wanted to lighten your load, even if only for a brief moment.   A jewel of a person. Yep - that's you. Thank you for being here with us. We're here with you.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Methuen]

With longer contact the workers have seen more of her behaviors. She's also been verbally and emotionally abusive with some of them. Most don't stay as helpers for long and they also report on her behavior.

I can relate.  When my mom started mistreating her home care workers and one of them reported her, they were so surprised at her behavior they thought she MuST have a UTI.  I knew she didn’t have a UTI.  What she finally had was an emotional rage at someone other than me.  They only believe what they see and what they always saw was a sweet old lady.  But to me she’s had multiple personalities, and the raging personality  kind  of nullified the pleasant personality.  Like you, I’m  on guard  100% of the time, but other people don’t see that.  Their truth is that she’s a sweet vulnerable old lady because shes old and decrepit.  Every acquaintance I meet who inquires about her in conversation asks me if she still  lives alone.  I answer politely that she is independent and that is her choice .  I feel their judgement every time.  I get what it feels like to not be understood, even by people including professional caretakers who don’t know her PD.

As to the pattern of the "what do you want in the house" question, I’m wondering if you would like to  try another approach.  What about the technique of replying with another question?  

I’m kind of confused mom, because I’ve answered that question before. I’m wondering why you keep asking me the same question?

Or, to take it one step further:

“You’ve asked me that question a number  of times.  Is there anything troubling you that makes you want to keep asking me that question?”

Thoughts?

[Notwendy]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice- I will try the "I am confused" approach.

I have done the "yes" response to being asked if I want something but she still asks. So I tried the "I didn't call because I wanted your possessions" response to which she kept insisting "you need to tell me".

Rev- thanks for the kind words. It means a lot to know that. What makes this tedious? She wants to elicit an emotional response- and if she gets it, she becomes verbally abusive- she quickly transforms -it's eerie to see it, the change in her tone of voice. It's not just with me. So encounters with her seem to be this cat and mouse set up and when she is successful, I have seen her "gotcha" grin.

[Methuen]

What makes this tedious? She wants to elicit an emotional response- and if she gets it, she becomes verbally abusive- she quickly transforms -it's eerie to see it, the change in her tone of voice. It's not just with me. So encounters with her seem to be this cat and mouse set up and when she is successful, I have seen her "gotcha" grin.

Yes, I get this.  It’s beyond frustrating.  It’s not possible to understand why a mother needs to do this to her child.  It’s a sick game, and it feels terrible.  

I think the trick is to take the off ramp the moment you see she is starting the game.  “Oh I have to go now!”  This was so hard for me in the beginning, but I had to do it for myself.  I just had to get out of there.  

Honestly my mom hasn’t done this as much lately but it might also have something to do with her cognitive functioning as well as my stepping out of the game.  It’s not unlike stepping off of the triangle.  

Is it possible for you to have NC with her for two weeks just to give yourself time for recovery and self care?  My T once recommended NC for two weeks because my amygdala needed time to settle down.  It was  good advice.

Is your mom still going on about the move?  Like on a daily basis, or almost every time you talk to her?

[Notwendy]

Is it possible for you to have NC with her for two weeks just to give yourself time for recovery and self care?  My T once recommended NC for two weeks because my amygdala needed time to settle down.  It was  good advice.

Is your mom still going on about the move?  Like on a daily basis, or almost every time you talk to her?

I am actually doing that- avoiding speaking to her. I don't want to get into anything with her.

She's not doing it directly. Her asking me about if I want her things is a lead in to she needs to move. She doesn't do anything directly or overtly but she's rallying the troops- bringing it up with other people.

During the discussion with the social worker a while back, I lost my reserve for a minute. She latched on to that and went right at it- insisting over and over "I insist you tell me why this won't work" I was rattled, scared, and my voice was cracking... "I think it would be hard to handle" I was very emotional. I immediately regretted this as I saw we were off to the races and quickly shut down but it was too late. She kept pushing me "I need to know EXACTLY what that is!" Then she got mean.

Apparently she brings this up to people from time to time. "What is it that NW thinks is hard to handle" and acts as if she doesn't have a clue and "needs to know what that is".

Well the answer to that is that it's difficult to have a cooperative relationship with her.

But I won't engage in that conversation. If I ever said that to her, the reaction would be the biggest blow up. I also wonder if this is what she wants, a big blow up but I don't want to participate in that.

[zachira]

What do you think would help to say to deal with your mother's actual/potential flying monkeys? The gaslighting from the flying monkeys can be more painful than from your mother. You expect your mother to invalidate you. You don't expect others to take your mother's side without hearing your side yet they do. I have learned that flying monkeys get recruited often repeatedly hearing short messages with a tone of voice that sounds very confident, somewhat similar to how advertising is done in many ways. Can you have a message that is brief, something your are very comfortable to say to someone like the social worker as often as you need to say it?

[Riv3rW0lf]

I noticed my mother needs a proper blow up to "reconnect". To her, the closest there is to connection is the tender phase of the abuse cycle. So when she feels disconnected, she looks for drama and trouble to force a "reconnection".

[Notwendy]

Zachira- miraculously the flying monkeys have not been an issue. I think they are more aware of her now.

Riv3rW0lf- I think it might be that she wants a blow up, maybe someone to blame. I don't want to give it to her but I feel anxious when she seems to be working on it.

[Methuen]

During the discussion with the social worker a while back, I lost my reserve for a minute. She latched on to that and went right at it- insisting over and over "I insist you tell me why this won't work" I was rattled, scared, and my voice was cracking... "I think it would be hard to handle" I was very emotional. I immediately regretted this as I saw we were off to the races and quickly shut down but it was too late. She kept pushing me "I need to know EXACTLY what that is!" Then she got mean.

Ah ah yes. Exhale. I heard "little NotWendy" in that response.

This is exactly what they do. I have been caught by this kind of thing too.

Apparently she brings this up to people from time to time. "What is it that NW thinks is hard to handle" and acts as if she doesn't have a clue and "needs to know what that is".

Well the answer to that is that it's difficult to have a cooperative relationship with her.

But I won't engage in that conversation. If I ever said that to her, the reaction would be the biggest blow up. I also wonder if this is what she wants, a big blow up but I don't want to participate in that.

In my experience, this "wanting a big blow up" is exactly what is going on.  The pressure is building up inside of her.  "We" know exactly when this is happening in our mom's.  We can sense and feel it.  Words aren't even needed.  If they were a train, their engine is on the track and racing towards something they need.  They do things to get there faster because they want something.  What they are racing to is drama.  It feeds the highly active emotional part of their brain.  The cognitive part of their brain is not active, so they cannot think about putting the brakes on or slowing the train down, or thinking about what the consequences will be when the train gets to its destination.  They just want to get there faster.  What they are racing to is our emotional reaction.  They get some twisted or deranged satisfaction from eliciting a reaction from us.  

This is because it gives them power and control over our feelings.  When little NW said "I think it would be hard to handle", she saw you were vulnerable and scared.  This made her feel powerful and in control.  And she needs that, because something inside of her is very out of control.

I have been caught by this kind of thing in the past too.  But not so much in the last 3 years since I found this forum and extraordinary and special people like you to help me learn what is really going on, and how to navigate it.

One thing I have learned on my journey is how much easier it is to support other people with their situations, than to help myself when I am in the eye of mother's hurricane.  It's so much harder when it's us.  

You're mom can say whatever she wants to people about you.  Mine does too.  Mine even said things about me in front of "my people".  But, if people chose to listen and believe that stuff, that's on them.  Then I find out who genuinely knows me and has empathy, and who doesn't or is simply blind.  It hurts, as I know many of mom's people personally.  But I've come to the conclusion that one of our life tasks in navigating our mothers is to develop a thicker skin.  And I also sometimes wonder if some of those people know something is up, but don't really know what it is.  And they certainly haven't done the "work" we have done to know how to navigate a difficult person, so I can't always fault them for "not getting it".

Let her obsess over "what is hard to handle".  She needs to put her negative energy somewhere.  If it's not that, she will find or create something else.  That is her problem - it doesn't have to be yours.

When I find myself in these kinds of difficult situations, I am working on "noting" my feelings, and then watching them float away down the stream (or river).  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn't and I have to try something else.

Are you sleeping OK?  Appetite ok?  I am hoping you are finding some time to do some things for yourself that bring you peace and moments of joy.  Sometimes it's the little moments that can make a big difference - the song of a bird, the cuddle of a pet, coffee with a friend, or whatever helps you to feel grounded again.

Wishing you a better day today.  

[Notwendy]

Ah ah yes. Exhale. I heard "little NotWendy" in that response.

This is exactly what they do. I have been caught by this kind of thing too.
 

In my experience, this "wanting a big blow up" is exactly what is going on.  The pressure is building up inside of her.  "We" know exactly when this is happening in our mom's.  We can sense and feel it.  Words aren't even needed.  

I think you hit the nail on the head and in a way, it's a relief to know that it's the blow up she's after, because none of it makes sense otherwise and the fact that we can sense it- and the anxiety it causes because these episodes were terrifying when we were kids.

And yes it was little NW. My voice voice went up in range and it was shaky. I was scared and and she knew it too.

I so appreciate the advice and  support of this board.

[Methuen]

You've got this NW.  I know you do.  This too shall pass.  And I know you know this too.
It just sucks so much to be in the eye of the storm.  We're all here for you.

[zachira]

As you know, your mother uses you to dump the feelings on you she can't stand about herself. Can you tell us all about the ways you are not like your mother at all? I admire how you have become a person in your own right, very much a separate person from your mother, a separate emotional system, which surely infuriates your mother that she has been unable to groom you to be the daughter she wants to wait on her hands and foot, no questions asked. I think people who really know you and really know your mother, if that were possible (though not likely as you are so different) would be shocked to find out you are her daughter.

[Notwendy]

Thanks so much. I have been feeling this sense of anxiety - even without her confronting me.  I think we do sense it- in the tone of their voice even. I can tell she's seeking this from her face, or her voice. I think we learned to tune into these things when we were young.

So much better to be emotionally prepared if she does push for an emotional exchange. Thanks again  

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thanks so much. I have been feeling this sense of anxiety - even without her confronting me.  I think we do sense it- in the tone of their voice even. I can tell she's seeking this from her face, or her voice. I think we learned to tune into these things when we were young.

Would you say you are experiencing a flash back, or is it another kind of anxiety?

[Notwendy]

Zachira-  many ways. She's dainty and always dressed up. Me? tomboy as a kid, did sports, jeans and joggers. She likes to have people do things for her. I want to be able to do them myself. I think some of this was from being parentified as a kid though and not being able to rely on her. I don't know if this infuriates her that I am different from her. I think it's more that she sees me as someone to meet her needs and gets angry when I don't.

[Notwendy]

Would you say you are experiencing a flash back, or is it another kind of anxiety?

Possibly. I don't have a lot of childhood memories of some times. Occasionally I have had memories come back. GC's memory is better than mine of episodes with her.

I do think it could be little NW. We are still afraid of her a bit.

[Couscous]

What seems to be the real issue here is that your mother does not take no for an answer. When my sister would not take no for an answer about my refusal to go to family therapy with her. After several weeks of back and forth emails, out of desperation I finally, quite literally, copied and pasted some of the non-defensive statements from Susan Forward's book, Emotional Blackmail into an email.

I wrote: I am sorry if my decision is upsetting for you, but I have decided that this is non-negotiable for me. That being said, since I still value our relationship I am more than willing to hear whatever it is that is upsetting you as soon as you are ready to talk about it. I can assure you that you can tell me whatever it is that you are angry about and I will gladly hear you out without retaliating.

The good news is that it worked, and she finally dropped the subject and said she would respect my decision, but she also retaliated by basically ceasing all contact with me, although in the end that really has been for the best. Like you, I have been loathe to go NC with my family, in my case out of guilt, so I was very happy that my sister was the one to make that decision.

I understand that Susan Forward's approach seems quite "harsh", but sometimes that is what it takes. Perhaps in your case when you mom brings up the subject, you could say something like, "Now don't start that again". You could even put on a Liverpool accent.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI6aAyScrMM