Thanks to those who share on this board. It has helped me get through nine heart-wrenching months post-breakup.
This is my first post. Heartfelt musings, really. Things I try to work through and focus on each day -- in an effort to keep my longing for my beloved ex (with suspected bpd) at bay.
Please excuse my typos - my tears got in the way.
I fear this may be of little value to others. But, I hope one small thing resonates for at least one person,
who is similarly overwhelmed by the loss of the enchanting/magical/imaginary "love of their life" -
a person with bpd, who "loved" passionately and moved on -- leaving behind someone desperately searching for elusive answers or at least some type of closure.
I hope it gets someone through today, tomorrow, and each day after that.
__________
Musings/MantrasWhat we had wasn’t real. It was a play, a production, a satire.
It’s over now. The curtains are drawn.
The lead actor is already staring in his next role.
The things he said were “love bombs” – they weren't actually true.
Someone, someday, will mean what they say to me --
while he continues to "love-bomb" others.
The concerns I felt and expressed about his actions were (and are) valid.
No amount of gas-lighting changes that.
I cannot allow myself to forget those concerns.
I cannot permit myself to focus on an old "fairytale" instead.
In the end, his feelings for her were stronger. They would not have gone away.
He would still long for her, cry for her -- his ex – despite
saying he truly loved me.
And, although he labelled her a narcissist - the person who "traumatized" him,
he could not (or would not) break the trauma-bond between them.
I often wonder if he unconsciously thought: "If only she loved me, so would my mother".
I'll never really know. Nor likely will he.
He wasn’t actually 100% all in. Those were hollow words. They echo still.
He was (or would have been) physically and emotionally unfaithful to me.
For better or worse, I trusted my instincts and walked away.
I just wish I hadn't reached back. Then, I wouldn't have felt his ruthless/callous response:
his devaluing, discarding, blocking/ghosting me forever -- precluding any hope of friendship,
closure for us, and any understanding of his new and sudden “hate” for me.
Also precluding my continued relationship with his children - who I loved (love) so dearly.
I also would not have known about his monkey-branching, which he cleverly
disguised as a "we both need to take time away to reflect on how we got here" break.
A cruel ruse, which merely prolonged my soul-searching, efforts to reconcile, and overall pain.
These actions, and the fiction of the “could have beens”, continue to haunt me.
They still cause me pain -- 9 months out -- but I'm getting there.
I'll get there.
He may have replaced me with new supply or his beloved recycle.
I really don't want to know. It would hurt too much.
I must NOT cyber creep.
Despite the pain, and the distance I still have to travel on my healing journey, I must be mindful of the following truisms.
He did not intend to cause me (or others) harm. He is emotionally and mentally unwell.
Although undiagnosed - he has borderline personality traits, if not the disorder.
He also has mental health challenges and anger issues.
I pray he gets assessed/diagnosed/treated soon. Not for my sake - but for his, and his kids' and family's.
As long as he remains undiagnosed/untreated, he will act the same way – to me and my replacement(s).
He will never "see the light" and come back to me.
And, sadly, his subsequent relationships will likely end the same way too. Certainly, his prior ones did.
My predecessors/replacements will probably suffer the same idealization-devaluation- discard-replacement cycle --
and the torture it causes.
I hope they find the inner strength that often eludes me. [It seems I may have some co-dependency issues to face too.]
Despite all accounts, true happiness may ultimately elude him – and those who fall in love with "him" and his polished veneer.
For my part, I still have a chance to develop something authentic, something healthy and real -- elsewhere.
In any event, I need to stop looking back.
I need to remind myself that I am still a GOOD person, despite being “split-black”.
I still have value – if not to him, to others -- and more importantly, to myself.
Given his bpd, he may never realize what he lost (i.e. someone who genuinely loves/loved and cares/cared for him with all of her heart and soul).
But, that's okay.
[And yes, that parenthetical statement sadly remains in the present-tense. I'm still a work-in-progress and fully-invested in healing.]
Despite what he said, in the end, “time won’t heal” us. That version of him (and "us") is gone.
He’s moved on - quickly erasing memories of me and shoring up / cycling through my replacement(s).
Rinse, wash, repeat?
And, although it's not so easy for me --
I'm determined to move ahead.
I WILL emerge one day -- STRONGER.
And yet, I can still say:
Better to have loved and lost him,
than to have never loved him at all.
