Human shield

[PowerChild]

I'm a 37-year-old single mother of three teenagers. My ex-husband was a narcissist (clinically) and the relationship was very abusive. It came to an end after 14 years together when he had an affair and became physically violent.
After the divorce, I dated a man for several years whose son, our family counselor believes, is a psychopath. That relationship ended and my children suffered.
Due to my history, I am careful to protect my kids and shield them from as much harm as possible. They've already been through a tough divorce, dealt with a psychopath whose father was in denial about his issues, and then another significant breakup of mine.
I am hesitant to have my children meet my current boyfriend, although we've been dating for two years. You see, I felt something was off about him and have since learned more about BPD, and I truly believe he struggles with it. The stories he shares make it sound like his father also had/has BPD.
The boyfriend does the typical Borderline things: rages, mood swings, alcohol abuse, verbal, mental, and emotional abuse, black-and-white thinking, gaslighting, lying, withholding, etc. He has accused me somewhat regularly of "having one foot out of the relationship," but he's the one who seems to be emotionally withholding. If I communicate my own needs, such as words of affirmation, he scorns me and stubbornly refuses to provide what I need.
Two weeks ago he got drunk and picked yet another fight with me, accusing me of not loving him because I "don't say 'I love you' with any passion." Using logic, reason, and facts don't work with people who have BPD, I've learned. He ended up calling me names, accusing me of gaslighting and not loving him, cussing me out, and breaking up with me. I thought that was that.
Next day he emailed me several times to apologize, which led to my discovering he'd deleted my phone number (and doesn't have it memorized) in a rage the night before and had to ask a mutual friend to provide it. After many apologies on his part, and claims that he can't live without me, I went against my better judgment and decided we can give it another try -- IF he seeks therapy and treatment for BPD.
He hasn't admitted to having BPD, but he has tossed around the idea that he may have Type 2 Bipolar Disorder (he doesn't meet the criteria for this, however). Part of his resistance to seeking help is that he's in the military and a diagnosis could reflect poorly on his record and have him discharged from service.
He has recently brought up that he feels I'm not fully in the relationship because he's only met one of my kids (my oldest) under the pretense that we're just friends. He takes this personally. I would understand under normal circumstances: if this were a normal, healthy relationship; if he didn't have a personality disorder; if my kids weren't already hurt twice by my past relationships.
Another little fact is that the boyfriend has said many times that he hates kids. I don't understand why, then, he would want to become involved with mine.

My questions are:

Am I being unfair or am I being a good parent for not subjecting my children to his inevitably abusive behavior?

Am I a fool for even being in this relationship if I know he will never be "stepdad material?"

If I am wise to shield my kids from this, how can I effectively communicate it with someone who has BPD and only interprets things as accusations or eventual abandonment?

I feel satisfied with things the way they are: I compartmentalize work from home, kids from romance, family from friends, etc. I figure he and I will see where things go, and maybe someday when my kids are moved out, he and I may marry or live together. In the meantime, I don't want my life decisions to impact my kids anymore than they have.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

If you are asking how to have a good relationship with a disordered person and not have it affect your kids in some way, from my own experience ( adult child of a BPD mother) I don't think it's possible to completely separate that decision from your relationship with your children. Even after we kids grew and left home, and it was just the two of them, having a relationship with my father included my mother, and even if it was just with him, the two of them were participants in disordered dynamics- of course it affected him and we saw that.

If you are wondering whether it's fair to him to shield the kids from his behavior, I would say perhaps your choice is between his happiness or your children's.

Yes, you can have your own adult life and you should. Your children will grow up and you should have your own partner and make your own life choices. If this person is who you want to be with - then you have that choice. However, it may not be who your children want to have a relationship with when they are adults.

The question seems more than should you subject your kids to his behavior- why are you subjecting yourself to his behavior?

[PowerChild]

That's actually part of my question, really for myself. Why does anyone remain in an unhealthy situation with a partner who has mental illness? I'd say it's probably because when things are good, they're really, really good. Better than past relationships, in fact. I can see potential for growth for both us, including meeting new people and having new experiences together. Things can be exciting. It's also very likely that the intermittent rewards are so addictive. I clearly have *some* needs met in this relationship, but I'm unwilling to involve innocents in my decisions. Perhaps I see potential but am unwilling to bring others into it until I see active improvement on his part. If he could get control of the BPD, he'd be a wonderful partner.

[Rev]

If he could get control of the BPD, he'd be a wonderful partner.

Hi there,

Great thread. I'm with NotWendy on this one.

I feel you caught between your own needs and what is "right".  You sound like a caring and responsible mother.

There are many reasons why people stay in relationships.

I'd like to focus your attention on this statement above.

Do you think he wants to?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[Couscous]

Another little fact is that the boyfriend has said many times that he hates kids.

Yeah….and yet here you are still entertaining the possibility of having a relationship with this guy.  

But it’s great that you’re aware of the addictive elements of the relationship. I am reading a very impactful book that I stumbled upon at my local library that I think will help you to understand why you are drawn to these kinds of relationships, and how to break the cycle. It’s called Leaving the Enchanted Forest by Stephanie Covington.

[PowerChild]

Thank you for your responses and caring words.

Yes, I have been foolish enough to continue a relationship with him despite his disliking kids. Mine are older and I suppose I thought there was no need for him to meet them until they're grown and moved out because they aren't looking for a father figure, and neither am I. And of course, when pressing him on the hating kids issue, he insists he likes older kids (like mine), just not younger ones.

My logical side has been telling me for a very long time to walk away. My heart has been telling me not to be cruel and to enjoy what I can from this since we do have a lot of interests in common. Perhaps I've fallen into the typical "maybe I can change him" trap so many women do.

I suppose it's a matter of time before I allow logic to win out and quietly leave him. Thank you all again for the support.

[Rev]

Thank you for your responses and caring words.

Yes, I have been foolish enough to continue a relationship with him despite his disliking kids. Mine are older and I suppose I thought there was no need for him to meet them until they're grown and moved out because they aren't looking for a father figure, and neither am I. And of course, when pressing him on the hating kids issue, he insists he likes older kids (like mine), just not younger ones.

My logical side has been telling me for a very long time to walk away. My heart has been telling me not to be cruel and to enjoy what I can from this since we do have a lot of interests in common. Perhaps I've fallen into the typical "maybe I can change him" trap so many women do.

I suppose it's a matter of time before I allow logic to win out and quietly leave him. Thank you all again for the support.

Hi again,

Do you like to read? I ask because I you already have a suggestion. However, if reading up on this kind of thing is where you're at, I have a couple that you might find helpful.

Hang in there. Try not to get down on yourself. My own therapist said to me, "You know Rev, it's so much easier to get into a relationship than to get out of one."

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Rev]

Hi again,

Do you like to read? I ask because you already have a suggestion.  However, if reading up on this kind of thing is where you're at, I have a couple that you might find helpful.

Hang in there. Try not to get down on yourself. My own therapist said to me, "You know Rev, it's so much easier to get into a relationship than to get out of one."

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Rev]

Hi again,

Do you like to read? I ask because you already have a suggestion. However, if reading up on this kind of thing is where you're at, I have a couple that you might find helpful.

Hang in there. Try not to get down on yourself. My own therapist said to me, "You know Rev, it's so much easier to get into a relationship than to get out of one."

Reach out any time.

Rev

[PowerChild]

Thank you, Rev. I'm open to suggestions. I've read and taken diligent notes on "When a Loved One Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Daniel S. Lobel and am currently reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.

I will admit, I was a bit surprised at some of the other responses I got. I guess I was hoping for more support and advice other than, "Why are you even dating him?" I really appreciate your kind words, Rev. They felt genuine and caring, and not at all judgmental.

[Rev]

Check this book out. Recommended to me by a well respected clinical psychologist where I live.


https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139/ref=asc_df_1585429139/?tag=googlemobshop-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=293019384127&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7643079726436170379&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000663&hvtargid=pla-436644332348&psc=1

[PowerChild]

Thank you. I will definitely check it out!

[Notwendy]

Hi Power Child,

Since the question involved the children, my post was from the perspective of an adult child of a disordered parent. I hope you get more posts to help you with the relationship aspect.

For your situation, my own preference would be to not involve him in the children's lives while they are at home. He may not like it but it's important to protect children while they are under your care.

I agree, the adult child-parent relationship is different. Understood,  adults and have their own separate lives, but I don't think it's entirely possible for your children to not have contact with your boyfriend if the two of you stay together, but I think it will be easier for them when it is just the two of you.

I hope others post more from the relationship perspective.

[PowerChild]

For your situation, my own preference would be to not involve him in the children's lives while they are at home. He may not like it but it's important to protect children while they are under your care.

I really appreciate your insight as someone who had/has to deal with having a parent with BPD. I think I was probably hoping to hear what you just said: Keep him away from the kids, despite his protests. I sometimes feel like a jerk barring this guy from a significant part of my life, but since I have no real faith in relationships anymore, I 100% want to keep my kids out of it regardless -- and no question in this case since he has a personality disorder.

I am always frustrated by the idea that one must completely integrate into the life of their significant other. I think maybe for younger people with less damage, I'd agree. But for those of us who are older, have at least one divorce under our belts, and have older kids, it isn't really necessary anymore. Just my opinion, of course. Most mental health professionals would probably disagree, haha.

I guess I'll have to be straight up with him the next time he puts pressure on me to meet the kids and explain that he can't have anything to do with them unless and until he gets his BPD under control with therapy and/or medication.

Thank you again for your insight. I find it very helpful.

[Notwendy]

Denial and projection are strong defense mechanisms for pwBPD. In my situation, since my parents remained married, if I wanted a relationship with my father, this included my mother, who is verbally and emotionally abusive. It was the major family rule to go along with "BPD mother is normal", and my father expected us to also do this.

The dilemma for me was how to balance a relationship I very much wanted, and protect my own children from BPD mother's behavior. This meant boundaries and in this case, supervised visits. She did behave better around them, but not entirely.  She wanted the role of grandmother. I understand that- her friends did too, most grandmothers do, but if I had boundaries - that implied something wasn't right and that was not allowed in my family.

The choice became- do I protect my children and  upset my parents or have my parents happiness be the priority ?   Of course I chose the kids but that resulted in difficulty between me and my parents.

Your children's well being matter to you. Your BF may not like your boundary but this is how it is.

[15years]

Hi!

What are the qualities that makes you want to continue a relationship with him? Do you feel a special connection to him, is he very attractive to you. etc.

I don't think we have enough info about your relationship to offer more specific advice. A detailed description of a tense situation between the two of you might help.