Should I tell him I think he has BPD?

[ClarityNow]

First, can I just say how immensely relieved I am to have found this forum? Finally, I have found people who can relate to what I've been going through. Up until now, I have felt extremely alone in dealing with this, for so long. I have been in a very tumultuous marriage for nearly 20 years to someone who I have come to realize most certainly has BPD. Every article I read about the disorder describes him to a T. Even though I know that his extreme, unpredictable mood swings are not my fault, I feel a lot of shame about the state of our marriage, and I can't bring myself to confide in anyone except for the therapists I've had over the past several years.

We can have weeks or months where everything in our relationship is fine or even great, then suddenly my husband's mood turns on a dime for no discernible reason. He becomes paranoid, suspicious, combative, emotionally abusive, and basically treats me like a stranger he completely despises (even though he might have professed his undying love to me only an hour earlier). Any little perceived slight can set him off.

Without getting into all the details, we went through a horrific time a couple of years ago that resulted in him finally recognizing he needed to make DRASTIC changes in order for our marriage to continue. Except for a couple of sessions with a therapist in which he finally recognized and admitted he was being emotionally abusive to me, he has refused to seek counseling, but he has made a lot of substantial improvement on his own and has generally become more emotionally aware. Still, he continues to have these outbursts out of nowhere, and every time they happen, I feel like I die a little more inside. I find myself feeling extremely depressed, hopeless and anxious. It just gets harder and harder for me to deal with.

I first read about BPD a couple of years ago and since then haven't been able to decide whether I should tell him that I think he has it. I have used it as information to talk to him about the way he acts, and sometimes he seems to recognize that he has some kind of issue he needs to work on. But I feel like if I mention the actual label of BPD at the wrong time, he'll flip out. I'm also worried that he'll start using BPD as an excuse for not changing his behavior ("The BPD made me do it"). At the same time, I'm hopeful that if I manage to catch him in one of his more relaxed, rational states, he might benefit from finally understanding why he acts the way he does, and he might be more willing to finally seek help from a qualified therapist.

Have any of you had success in telling your significant other you think they have BPD? Or is it better to discuss the symptoms with them instead of trying to assign a label? I'm just getting very exhausted trying to be his therapist...All of this is just exhausting me.

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[yellowbutterfly]

Hi @ClarityNow

Welcome to a great resource! I've been here a few months now and I've found tremendous support and knowledge in this group. Especially from those who have been on the board for a while or as admins.

I'll start off by saying all the advice I've read whether here or in books has suggested that you do not share your suspicion of BPD with that person. I don't feel confident enough to delve into this more but I am sure a more knowledgeable poster will chime in. Just know you are NOT alone in this group!

who I have come to realize most certainly has BPD. Every article I read about the disorder describes him to a T.

Yes, I had the same experience where I am certain my stbxH has uBPD! I read everything in sight too. I wanted desperately to tell him but instead, I found learning how to control MY reactions to his behavior was more useful.

We can have weeks or months where everything in our relationship is fine or even great, then suddenly my husband's mood turns on a dime for no discernible reason. He becomes paranoid, suspicious, combative, emotionally abusive, and basically treats me like a stranger he completely despises (even though he might have professed his undying love to me only an hour earlier). Any little perceived slight can set him off.

I feel you on this as I had similar experiences though in a shorter time frame. I could say a word with inflection or laugh at a passing pigeon and he would flip on me. One you do not deserve to be abused and yes this is abuse. Are you talking to a therapist about this? My therapist really helped me process my situation.

All of this is just exhausting me.

Please take care of yourself and do things to care for yourself (whatever that means to you). I was so exhausted at one point this summer I didn't recognize my own reflection. You have every reason to be exhausted! I feel you!

[ClarityNow]

yellowbutterfly, thank you so much for your response. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone, although I wish none of us had to deal with all this in the first place. Yes, I've been in therapy for a few years now, and my therapist helped me see that I was being abused (and still am, unfortunately, just not as often or--knock on wood--quite as badly). I appreciate the reminder to take care of myself. I'm feeling terrible today because after several weeks of everything being fine, he is having a meltdown once again and I'm extremely anxious and tense about it, to the point that I feel physically ill. The one good thing to come out of having to deal with this for so long is that I have become quite the expert on self-soothing techniques. Yoga and meditation help a lot.

[yellowbutterfly]

Yes! I'm so glad you have a good therapist that you trust. I've found that relationship to be vital in any scenario, especially dealing with a pwBPD.

It sounds like you have a really good handle on your self-care. (I've been doing pilates and meditating too). How could you expand that area of your life? Especially in times like these? Get out in nature for a walk? Run an errand even to get some "solo" time?

I'm feeling especially anxious today as well. What have you been doing today to care for your anxiety? One thought... I recently heard a meditation that was talking about being with our emotions. Even saying hello to the emotion, "hello anxiety" and recognizing that it is entirely normal to have a negative emotion with what you are going through. I've been trying to tell myself today that the anxiety is ok even if it feels terrible, my brain/body is telling me that it is here and needs attention.

Do you have plans for your weekend? A good yoga class? Lunch with a friend?
What's your favorite type of meditation?  (I like to do walking ones btw)

[ClarityNow]

yellowbutterfly, I love what you say about saying hello to the anxiety and accepting it as normal. You're right, it's there for a reason, to get us to pay attention. My anxiety is also PTSD (literally, according to my therapist) from situations my husband has put me in where I feared for my safety. It's been a while since that has happened, but when I see him getting into this state of agitation, my brain instantly reacts and I just want to run away and hide. Then I get extremely angry for being made to feel scared. That combination of extreme fear and anger makes me feel so ill and I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

He is definitely still abusive, and I often wish I could leave, but for a variety of reasons that I can't get into (in case he ever comes across this and figures out it's me), I can't leave right now. So I am doing my best at the moment to just survive...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Getting out in nature is a great idea. I feel so peaceful in nature. I should try walking meditation. I usually sit down to meditate, just trying to clear my mind, and lately I've been wrapping myself up in a shawl and actually giving myself a hug for several minutes. It seems a little crazy but it actually really calms me down. I do make it a priority to spend time every day on self-care because, sadly, I often need it desperately just to get through the day. I've been busy today, and so wound up from this latest outburst that I haven't had a chance to do yoga yet, but I'm going to squeeze it in tonight before I go to bed.

I wish I had relaxing plans for the weekend, but unfortunately I'm stressing out about potentially having to go on a long day trip with my husband. I'm hoping to find a way to get out of it because I can't imagine being trapped in a car with him for several hours in the state he's in. He's practically spitting daggers at me, treating me with utter contempt, and of course it's always for a silly reason that I can barely understand...some tiny thing I did or said, the tone of my voice or whatever, that wouldn't have bothered him a few days ago but now is enough to make him think I'm vile. God, it's horrible to feel like your spouse, who seemed to love you yesterday, now suddenly HATES you with a passion, for no valid reason. Then again, I guess in his confused BPD brain, that's how he feels about me, in the alternate reality he seems to be living in.

I teared up reading your last post...It means a lot to me to know that someone out there understands, because I often feel so alone.

[yellowbutterfly]

I will reply more later but YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this. Even though our board is anonymous, behind each post is a human who emphasizes and knows what you are going through.

Give yourself some time to have that hug or do yoga tonight! Thinking of you.
 

[ClarityNow]

Thank you so much, yellowbutterfly! I did yoga that night just before bed, and it made me feel SO much better! The difference was incredible--I had been holding so much tension in my body. I slept so well afterward that I feel like I should do yoga every night right before I go to bed.

Update: Yesterday when my husband came downstairs in the morning, I sensed that he was coming down from his BPD episode, wanting to "make amends," but I was still feeling a lot of anger toward him and didn't really want to engage. Finally he invited me on a walk. For the past few years, we've been going on walks together regularly and often talking about our relationship issues, which has been tremendously helpful. There's something about walking next to each other--instead of standing there facing each other in a direct confrontation--that makes it a lot easier to talk about things without either person getting as defensive. And walking in nature, especially, is more calming.

We ended up walking and talking for 2 hours. Without using the BPD label, I brought up some things I've been reading on here, like that he's focusing on feelings instead of facts. I suggested that whenever he thinks something like "No one likes me," he should put the words "I feel like" in front of it, because that's really all it is--a feeling, not a fact. I also told him another thing I've read recently, that just because a thought or feeling pops into your head doesn't make it true. We don't have to believe everything we think. But he said his feelings are "true" to him and he can find evidence to support them.

He tried to steer much of the conversation toward his grievances about me and our marriage. Finally I had to remind him that whatever his grievances, it is completely unfair of him to act like everything is fine for weeks or months, then suddenly explode over a small thing and treat me like a stranger he has nothing but contempt for. I tried to describe to him how that makes me feel and how much it erodes all my trust in him, which creates so much distance between us, which upsets him, and it's just a vicious cycle. I told him the real issue is that he has this emptiness and insecurity inside him that no one will ever be able to fill, including me. He has to work on figuring out how to find peace within himself, and on learning to communicate with me about issues in a mature way long before he explodes so unexpectedly.

Well, so much of it was things I've already said 100 times over the years, and as usual, I found myself feeling hopeful that this time he would finally "get it." For the most part he acted like he did yesterday, although then he would say something that made me realize he still has a long way to go. He asked if I wanted to have a date night, so we went out to dinner and we had a good time. We talked about how human brains are hardwired to always be looking for danger and negative things, so we have to make a concerted effort to reassure ourselves that things are okay.

So now we're in a much better place, at the moment, but after 20+ years of this I've finally come to realize that this is all a cycle that will continue, to varying degrees, for as long as we are together. He has made improvements and hopefully will continue to make them. The question is how long I can last like this. As I told him yesterday, throughout our entire relationship I have felt like I've been living on top of a fault line, where an earthquake can happen at any moment. Our relationship, and therefore my life in general, feels so unstable and unpredictable.

But when we cycle back to the "honeymoon phase," hope springs eternal...every single time.

That, my friends, is how you find yourself married for nearly 20 years to someone with BPD.

We were supposed to go on a day trip today but I managed to find a way out of it. Even though we're on better terms now, I am SO depleted and exhausted from all this emotional upheaval over the past few days. After all the drama of talking about this yesterday, I was still really tense when I went to sleep (I didn't have time to do yoga) and I tossed and turned all night and had nightmares. Because of the PTSD I'm still dealing with from a few years ago when he actually made me fear for my safety, this turmoil affects me so badly on a very physical level. I get heart palpitations and have extreme tension that makes me feel ill. I'm feeling much better today now that he seems to be out of his "episode," but I'm looking forward to spending the day doing nothing but trying to reset my nervous system. Not going on the trip will disappoint some people we were supposed to see, but I have decided that my mental health is more important.

[townhouse]

Dear dear ClarityNow, , so much of what you write reflects my own relationship of just over 20 years. I’ve been coming to this site for many years, sometimes posting the more outrageous things husband does and usually getting soothing feedback from others in a similar situation. It always helps me to reach out to people who really understand and would not be fooled by the charming facade he presents to the very few people he has any contact with.

Like you, I hang in there through the bad times waiting for the ‘good’ times to return. The bad times still get to me and yes I feel physically ill with that nasty anxiety hole in the stomach. Amazing how it leaves the minute there is the slightest hint of return to a ‘happier’ pseudo normality.

I think it’s great you can walk and talk on occasions. I’m not sure that it actually will do anything for him but at least you get to speak your feelings which helps you.

[formflier]

Generally speaking, less labels and more focus on behavior/impact on you tends to be better.

Here is another way to look at it.

Would you rather he focus on behavior and how it impacts you

or

Would you rather he accept the label?

Best,

FF

[Couscous]

I definitely recommend that you immediately cease being his therapist.  

I also don't recommended mentioning BPD, but perhaps you could float the idea of Complex PTSD to him, and then just leave the ball in his court. I can also recommend the book Disarming the Narcissist if you would prefer to attempt to salvage the relationship. You may need to address your own PTSD first though.