Late to awareness

[Awakein40s]

It is very challenging just now to be starting a journey of greater understanding in my 40s.  It took me seeing the way my parents treated my own children (my dad has undiagnosed BPD and my mom has never spoken out against his behavior which I guess makes her an enabler?) for me to truly recognize what my childhood was like.  My protective instincts toward my kids are very strong which I am thankful for.  Wish I had figured this out sooner.

Anyone else have this happen to them?  Any words of advice?  Hard to imagine how to re-negotiate these relationships now that my parents are much older.  But they behave toward me in the same patterns as always, and now that I see things for what they are, there are triggers everywhere.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming and I have a knot in my stomach.  It's complicated by the fact that my sister who I believe is also undiagnosed BPD is living with them.  I feel like I show up and they turn to me to take care of all of their emotions.  I become the parent.  But I am also trying to be a parent to my own children.  It's too much for me.  When I set a boundary and say I can't do that, my father starts the verbal lashings and belittling.  Appreciate any thoughts or even just "been there and understand".  Thanks for reading. 

[Methuen]

First of all - congratulations for figuring it out.  That’s a great first step.  I didn’t figure it out until my late 50’s.  Now I’m 60 and still figuring it out.

Regarding Thanksgiving and Christmas, how near/far from you do they live?

Regarding you parenting them, we get what that feels like here.

When you start to set boundaries, they are going to push back.  Prepare yourself, and continue to hold  your boundaries. Whennthe going gets tough, remind yourself you are also doing this for your kids.  PwBPD are masters at acting, and they’re not as helpless as they seem.

Have you already found all the communication and relationship  “tools” on this website?  I have found them super helpful.  Eg Set, don’t JADE, ask validating questions etc.

[Couscous]

  Awakein40s!

I also only had my "awakening" after hitting my 40s and it was because I had kids and had started reading parenting books. I have several disordered siblings and my mother has symptoms of BPD, NPD, and HPD. My father is a "codependent agent", at best. My family did not take well at all to me stepping out of my role as caretaker and setting limits on my abusive brothers, and they all completely flipped their lids, and overnight I became the family scapegoat. In hindsight, what I should have done after figuring this stuff out was to just quietly disengage, but of course I could not believe that it was really going to come to that, but sure enough, it did. I am now estranged from my entire family of origin. I think my father might qualify as the only "half-safe" person in my family, but due to our (formerly) enmeshed relationship I have cut back on contact with him too as I figure out who I am outside of my role as the family Hero and surrogate parent to my siblings and mother. What has been my saving grace is that I have been in a therapy group for the past year, and I honestly don't think I would have been able to detach from my family if I didn't have that group.

An extremely helpful book that I only just discovered is The Narcissistic Family, which I was able to find at my library. Learning about the Karpman drama triangle and Patrick Teahan's YouTube channel have also been lifesavers for me.

Wishing you all the best!  

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm in my 40's, as well, and am just really coming to terms with how disordered my FOO was and the effects it had on me. Like you, when I saw my kids being treated by my family the same way I was treated as a child, it really hit me just how damaging it was and made me feel adamant that I don't want my kids to have to deal with the same treatment I did.

Like couscous, I have found Patrick Teahan's YouTube channel to be an incredibly helpful and healing resource for childhood trauma and the adult child survivor's navigation if the family dynamics.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Awakein40s, hi !

I think a lot of us here came to the realisation something was wrong with our upbringing when we had children. So you are not alone. There is just strong a big dissonance in the way we look at our own children, as opposed to how we felt growing up, how we were treated by our parents.

For me, shedding light on my mother's illness led to no contact, so I am not the best person to give you advice here regarding Christmas and such ... But I did want extend a warm welcome to the forum, and to let you know you are not alone.

 

[Fatigued88]

Not yet forty but came to the realisation about my mother at 37, like you, after having kids. Definitely helped me reflect and realise, ‘woah that s**t I experienced as a child was/is dysfunctional.’ I recently started a thread about it, which is near the top of the main forum page. The SET communication and Karpman resources were good. If it’s the case that you’re enmeshed in a relationship with your father - or rather you’ve been taught to remain enmeshed and been treated with hostility when expressing your autonomy - the hard part in trying to step back from your expected role in the family, is that you feel awful because you’ve been subject to FOG your whole life - fear guilt and obligation. Therapy can help to cement that individuality or ‘individuation’ as the psychotherapists say. Often, to get to that point you need - as I understand - to go through a process of grieving for the child self of yours who wasn’t allowed to be. Sad but -at least for me - that has been important I’m not feeling so enmeshed today and in setting clearer boundaries.

Good luck and it sounds like you’re reclaiming your life - keep it up!

[Awakein40s]

Thank you all for your responses.  I haven't figured out how to write back to individual posts or I would.  Your messages make me feel not alone and also that my experience of beginning to see things for what they are after having kids is not unique.  I am looking through the resources that you all suggested and also on the site and am thinking that maybe the best starting place is "Surviving a Borderline Parent"?  Hopefully once I process the grief/anger I have toward the way my father treated/treats me and the fact that my mother never stepped/steps in to help (I feel like she was relieved that there was someone to deflect attention from her) I will be able to work on techniques that can help me manage his personality which will never change.  Right now they don't resonate at all which I don't totally understand.  In the meantime in terms of traveling to visit them for Thanksgiving, I decided we will stay in a hotel and not with them (that's going to be a fun conversation), and I won't go over to see them without my husband also present (my father is less likely to bully me when there are people around who are not from my family of origin and also my husband can step in if I need help).  Thanks again for reading and responding.  Your wisdom and support mean so much.

[SaltyDawg]

I too am late, I am in my mid-fifties, figured it out only a few months ago, been with my pwBPD since I have been with her since my early 30's, her late 20's (she is now in her 50's too), took me 21 years to figure this one out.  Two decades of  ... and two children from this marriage for whom I fear for their wellbeing