Hey yellowbutterfly,
It makes a lot of sense that you might have a delayed response to what you went through. Sometimes when we are in the thick of dealing with BPD chaos and drama, we stay in survival mode, focusing not on how we feel but on what must get done to move forward. I wonder if that rings true for you?
And now, it's like a big wave that has piled up -- if you'd had time in the past to deal with the trauma as it happened, maybe it wouldn't be such a big wave, but now it is. Close at all?
The loneliness is hard. What would you want to express or communicate, if there were someone who would totally understand you?
How have the last couple days been for you?
@kells76, this is so accurate. I was in full survival mode living with him and trying to make my exit plan. My T and I have discussed how the "wave" of trauma has surfaced now that I'm getting MY life back together and able to function everyday without his drama. I was living in fight or flight mode and so I wasn't able to process what was happening to me. It's like late-onset grief or trauma.
Thanks for asking these questions to get me thinking, I really appreciate it and I've noticed how thoughtful you and others on the board are able to ask about hard topics in constructive ways.
It's less that I'm lonely, more that I was struggling with how I got into this situation and why. I've delved into these matters with my T and all the reading I've been doing. Though, I struggle with generalized anxiety and even with good tools sometimes the blanket anxiety just takes over. For me it's a feeling of indescribable dread and then a lot of procrastination or rumination where I can't get anything really done. Walking or exercising helps get out of the funk but not always.
I'm actually happier too! Being away from his abuse cycle has made me realize just how horrible it was for me. I feel and look like myself again but I'll be even stronger/better equipped in the long run. I recognize myself again. He beat me down so much emotionally that I didn't even know who I was anymore.
The worst though is we are still going through the divorce process and so while we have zero interaction, thank goodness for enforced NC, I still have to deal with logisitcs through the lawyers. From the first day he understand that I was serious that I wanted a divorce, he launched insanely agressive defamation campagins. This at first was the most damaging. Now, it's more like ugh again? So it's not the topics, just the general stress that this is taking on me.
I have healthy ways of coping though: meditation, seeing rational humans such as friends/family, a safe place to live, a great T, support from so many areas. I'm healthy, not drinking, trying to workout and eat well, and overall it's tracking. My T said she's incredibly proud of me with regards of HOW quickly I was able to process and get out of the relationship to how much work we've done. She's right but still I have hard days. Luckily, I see her 2x per week.
The last couple of days have been really hard. I'm definitley depressed and though I'm taking medication, I think I need to talk to my doctor about if it's still working. This has been a roller coaster of a relationship and the healing journey hasn't been a straight path, nor did I expect it to be. I guess, I just feel relieved, happy, sad, all the emotions that are expected. I can manage my emotions well and I'm learning so much about myself. Mostly, it's the fact it's not really over with the lawyers and his antics and that he's living in my HOME where I'm not allowed to access my things. I worry I'm going to go back to something he's destroyed (of course there is legal recourse) but it's the unknown of what he might do that is bothering me with this.
Meditation has been especially helpful these last few weeks. My ability to concentrate and general anxiety hasn't of course.
Thank you for asking me and allowing me to write here, quite cathartic.
