How many of you had abusive parents?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's an old trope that we go for partners who show the same dysfunctionality as our parents, but I was wondering how true this statement was for members here who later engaged in BPD relationships.

I spent the first few years of my life with my single-parenting mother and grandfather (happy days), but they passed away and then I was raised by two different foster/step families for the subsequent eleven years. The four parental parties in those two families all tick most of the boxes of cluster-B disorders – and perpetrated emotional and physical abuse, gaslighting, devaluation, withholding of affection, constant crazy-making arguments, instilling a sense of terror, demanding complete self-annihilation etc.

So yes, a lot like a BPD relationship.

How did you grow up?

[Sappho11]

It's an old trope that we go for partners who show the same dysfunctionality as our parents, but I was wondering how true this statement was for members here who later engaged in BPD relationships.

I spent the first few years of my life with my single-parenting mother and grandfather (happy days), but they passed away and then I was raised by two different foster/step families for the subsequent eleven years. The four parental parties in those two families all tick most of the boxes of cluster-B disorders – and perpetrated emotional and physical abuse, gaslighting, devaluation, withholding of affection, constant crazy-making arguments, instilling a sense of terror, demanding complete self-annihilation etc.

So yes, a lot like a BPD relationship.

How did you grow up?

[I Am Redeemed]

Growing up with childhood trauma is definitely linked to difficult relationships in adulthood. The people who modeled relationships for us as children give us the blueprint for our adult relationships.

We had a former staff member here who would say "all roads lead to PSI (parent, sibling, inlaw board)" meaning that no matter what board you are on when you come here, eventually you will look at your family or caregivers from childhood and find the link to the reason you have experienced a BPD relationship in adulthood.

My mother and father had me late in life. After a suicide attempt, my mother was permanently disabled and my adult sister took over raising me. She and my father both had cluster B traits. I experienced much of what you described: devaluing, gaslighting, silent treatment, witholding of affection and support, and I witnessed lots of screaming and yelling. I tried to make myself invisible to fly under the radar and not get caught in the crossfire. I was not taught to set boundaries. I was taught that other people can run over my boundaries and I am responsible for their feelings.

Later, when I got involved in an abusive relationship, my family blamed me and rejected me as "bad", even though they had set me up to get involved with an abusive partner from the way I was raised.

[SinisterComplex]

It's an old trope that we go for partners who show the same dysfunctionality as our parents, but I was wondering how true this statement was for members here who later engaged in BPD relationships.

I spent the first few years of my life with my single-parenting mother and grandfather (happy days), but they passed away and then I was raised by two different foster/step families for the subsequent eleven years. The four parental parties in those two families all tick most of the boxes of cluster-B disorders – and perpetrated emotional and physical abuse, gaslighting, devaluation, withholding of affection, constant crazy-making arguments, instilling a sense of terror, demanding complete self-annihilation etc.

So yes, a lot like a BPD relationship.

How did you grow up?

While I would like to be able to add to this discussion on a personal level...I cannot. I grew up with spectacular parents. Truly...My mom is the best woman I will ever know and my father was a pretty good Dad. My Dad and I clashed as my mom would describe me and my father as a Lion (Me) and a Bear (My Dad) fighting. However, I wouldn't have had it any other way. As much as my Dad and I would get into it we were still close and did a lot together.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[succinite]

I had a father with BPD and a mother who never left him. It was awful. My mother was the classic enabler. She spoiled us children and tried to take everything from us because she had a bad conscience while my father behaved like a bull in a china shop most of the time.

His weird fixations rotated constantly through the family. There was always someone he had arguments with and someone who was his favorite person.
If any little thing didn't go the way he wanted it, he would escalate it until he got it (screaming, silent treatment, passive aggressiveness, physical violence). I've never heard anyone scream so loud. Then hours of crying and apologies when he realized what he had done.
If that apology was not accepted by you, then the second round of escalation would kick off and he would start blaming and yelling at you again.
Once you accepted the apology: gaslighting.

His favorite phrases that I remember:

"I'm not screaming! I don't scream AT ALL!" while he was obviously screamig his lungs out
"Don't you love me? "
"You can always have the dog, but I can never have it."
"Just shut your mouth!"
"You won't make it through school/uni, you're like me."

He also disregarded personal boundaries in a sexualized way which I don't want to go in detail about. But the worst thing of all is actually the bad conscience I feel towards him every day because I so often wished he wasn't there.
In addition, he actually has very positive qualities that come to the fore with age and more distance. He can be enthusiastic and supportive if he has a good day. In addition, he is very hardworking.
He's on benzodiazepines nowadays so maybe that's another reason why he has calmed down.

[Turkish]

I picked 1, but I was raised by a single mother.

When I was in my mid 30s, my mother said, apropos of nothing, "the only time I may have abused you was when you had that seizure."

I was 13 or 14. She was dysregulating over <who the hell knows what as per usual>, yelling and smacking me around. I shut off and fell to the ground. Lucky we were on a dirt road. What if my head has hit a rock or concrete? She was nicer to me for a few weeks and took too me to get evaluated. In retrospect, that told me that her behaviors were a choice. I ran into this decades later with my baby momma. She'd hold it mostly in until we were alone.

She had trouble defining abuse due to her father who raped her and her sister for years and tossed her brothers around so hard that the garage sheetrock had holes. I won't go into the other things that she told me... she overshared as well.

You know what you know and don't know what you don't know.

[imstillhere89]

My father was drinking since I remember. My mom divorced him when I was 8 yo. There wasn't any violence from my dad (at least I haven't seen or experienced any). I always had quite strong connection with my dad and when he moved out I haven't seen him as much as I would like to. I have always missed him and I have always worried about him. My mom had neurosis and it was quite difficult to live with her. She would be overprotective and quite strict with me as a child. On the other hand she felt like she needs to make up for me for not having a father in my life so she would go from being very nice to being not very nice (when struggling with neurosis and coping as single mom of 2 children - my dad didn't pay a penny towards us).
My dad has got some health problems (mostly due to his lifestyle) plus depression. When I was an adult already his drinking and depression still had a very big impact on me...I saved him when he tried to commit suicide.. I had to constantly take his drunken phone calls and beg him to get better and live...he was able to call me 30 times per day saying same story over and over again to the point that I was shaking when my phone rang (till today I keep my phone on vibration mode only). In that time I was already dealing with early parenthood, working full time, studying at the Uni and my relationship issues (my daughter's father was mentally and sexually abusive). That all really messed up with my head. It was too much for a very young and already damaged person. I think all of this and also other traumas that I have experienced in my life "invited me" into BPD shoulders... nobody was ever so kind and caring towards me as he was. Nobody ever before wanted to spend every second of their life with me. Now I have to pay the price..like all of us here.