Feels like my ex is using me

[Help_Seeker]

Hello everyone,
So as you probably know by my name, I claimed before my ex is working with me.
Yesterday I had a realization...
When we broke up and after it she told me we should stay friends and share funny stuff on Instagram and things like that (didn't happen).
Yet, I noticed that the majority of the times she sent me a message (work stuff too) it was always when she needed something from me, and when she got it she went back for being cold.
But when I texted either for her help or just checking up on her as a friend, she was not willing to help me and gave me excuses, or she took a few days to reply.

It feels unfair that she keeps getting help from me because I do still care about her but when it's the other way around, suddenly I'm not "the best thing to ever happen to her" anymore, I'm just disturbing.

I know the easy thing to say is "stop helping her", well sometimes I must cause it's work related..
It now just feels like I am her friend but she is not my friend.

I'm debating if I should stop helping her, and confront her if she asks why, but it might just make things worse because she might split me black for that.

Would love to hear your thoughts about it

[BPDEnjoyer]

You break up, I recommend you detach and cut all interactions or help.  If you are not ok seeing her date somebody else, then do this.

[Help_Seeker]

You break up, I recommend you detach and cut all interactions or help.  If you are not ok seeing her date somebody else, then do this.

 That's true ..
I am trying my best but when it comes to work it's hard to completely detach cause we share an office.
It just bothers me how she can easily text me for help, but anything else that indicates friendship is not happening
And there's not even a "thank you"

[kells76]

Hello Help_Seeker;

Good question to ask as you sort out who and what you want in your life:

I'm debating if I should stop helping her, and confront her if she asks why, but it might just make things worse because she might split me black for that.

What kind of help are you considering not giving any more?

Work related? or personal?

One thought is:

it's possible to continue to help only with work questions, while also providing no personal life help, or emotional help, or any other kind of help. That would be treating that person just like any other coworker, and would be perfectly normal. And, just like with any coworker, you would not be required to explain why you are not helping with personal life, or emotional issues, etc. You can "just" help with work, and not engage with anything else.

Maybe the bigger question is -- if that is the situation, do you want to choose that path?

Would you be OK with only helping with work, and nothing else?

[Help_Seeker]

Hello Help_Seeker;

Good question to ask as you sort out who and what you want in your life:

What kind of help are you considering not giving any more?

Work related? or personal?

One thought is:

it's possible to continue to help only with work questions, while also providing no personal life help, or emotional help, or any other kind of help. That would be treating that person just like any other coworker, and would be perfectly normal. And, just like with any coworker, you would not be required to explain why you are not helping with personal life, or emotional issues, etc. You can "just" help with work, and not engage with anything else.

Maybe the bigger question is -- if that is the situation, do you want to choose that path?

Would you be OK with only helping with work, and nothing else?

I mean it depends..
I was helping with something work related that I had to, which lead to giving her emotional support because she was in a stressful situation.
How could I just ignore her telling me she's in danger? It feels like being a jerk

But after I do help her she just goes back to being cold
It feels very tricky

[SinisterComplex]

I mean it depends..
I was helping with something work related that I had to, which lead to giving her emotional support because she was in a stressful situation.
How could I just ignore her telling me she's in danger? It feels like being a jerk

But after I do help her she just goes back to being cold
It feels very tricky

Simple...you are not being a jerk. Your emotional investment has to end. What you want is not there which is a reciprocal 2 way street relationship friendship or other. You work with her that is it. Again...just another person who works where you do or just another person in the grocery store. If she comes to you with work related stuff you do no more than what is required. If she tries to make it personal or go personal you pull the plug and tell her to go kick rocks! (Ok no...don't do that. LOL. That is not your personality). My point is though...make yourself appear too busy for her and do not show her any attention. Firm and indifferent...it doesn't make you a jerk. It makes you smart.

Remember you are not her emotional tampon and prey. Stand up for yourself by changing your mind set and perspective.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Help_Seeker]

Simple...you are not being a jerk. Your emotional investment has to end. What you want is not there which is a reciprocal 2 way street relationship friendship or other. You work with her that is it. Again...just another person who works where you do or just another person in the grocery store. If she comes to you with work related stuff you do no more than what is required. If she tries to make it personal or go personal you pull the plug and tell her to go kick rocks! (Ok no...don't do that. LOL. That is not your personality). My point is though...make yourself appear too busy for her and do not show her any attention. Firm and indifferent...it doesn't make you a jerk. It makes you smart.

Remember you are not her emotional tampon and prey. Stand up for yourself by changing your mind set and perspective.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

First of all, I'm surprised you remembered I said before this isn't my personality haha

I do agree with you from my mind, that's how I should act, but my heart is weaker unfortunately,
When she starts being nice and asking why I'm cold I lose my cool and start being talkative and caring again.
I would assume that the difference between my mind and heart is the problem right now

[SinisterComplex]

First of all, I'm surprised you remembered I said before this isn't my personality haha

I do agree with you from my mind, that's how I should act, but my heart is weaker unfortunately,
When she starts being nice and asking why I'm cold I lose my cool and start being talkative and caring again.
I would assume that the difference between my mind and heart is the problem right now

My friend...your pain and torture will end when you want it to. It is all up to you. You have the power. I can provide guidance and strategies, but you have to do what is best for you. You have to shift your focus to putting YOU first and not worry about the rest of the world or what anyone else does. It takes time and you will get there when you are ready. Be kind to you and take care of yourself.

BTW...don't be so surprised...I pay attention and I don't need much to go on to frame your personality. Your tone, word usage, sentence structure, etc tells me quite a bit. ;-)

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[succinite]

Yet, I noticed that the majority of the times she sent me a message (work stuff too) it was always when she needed something from me, and when she got it she went back for being cold.
But when I texted either for her help or just checking up on her as a friend, she was not willing to help me and gave me excuses, or she took a few days to reply.

Well, it feels like she's using you because she's using you. What you describe is an absolute classic. In the borderline world there isn't any place for the needs and feelings of the devalued person. Give them an inch, and they will take a mile!
After a final breakup, you are only worth as much to them as you are profitable.

Four days after the breakup, which she initiated, my ex asked me if I could write her job application. When I said I didn't want to, she totally blew up.
I know it sounds harsh, but in my experience it's reality.
At this point they have zero empathy for you as they are in a state of self righteous entitlement (PARTICULARY if they left).

Don't make the mistake of responding to their request for help. You are worth so much more than chasing after someone who is not interested in you. In addition: as soon as you make the slightest demand of her, she'll probably turn the tables and claim she didn't want to keep in touch with you in the first place or that you're chasing her / stalking her. My ex did this to every single person who tried to be one of her little helpers.
I just heard from a former friend of hers that she accused acquaintances of stalking and assault who just nicely wanted to help her clear out her pack rat apartment.
It's a one-way street that hurts you much more, because you're able to feel an emotional connection after breakup and she doesn't because she lacks object permanence.

[succinite]

.

[Help_Seeker]

My friend...your pain and torture will end when you want it to. It is all up to you. You have the power. I can provide guidance and strategies, but you have to do what is best for you. You have to shift your focus to putting YOU first and not worry about the rest of the world or what anyone else does. It takes time and you will get there when you are ready. Be kind to you and take care of yourself.

BTW...don't be so surprised...I pay attention and I don't need much to go on to frame your personality. Your tone, word usage, sentence structure, etc tells me quite a bit. ;-)

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you for that
I promise I am trying my best, but as for now she is still the first and last thing I think about every day, and obviously during the day
I'm trying my best to distract myself but sometimes I can't find the powers to get out and do stuff
Hopefully I'll get there soon

[Help_Seeker]

Well, it feels like she's using you because she's using you. What you describe is an absolute classic. In the borderline world there isn't any place for the needs and feelings of the devalued person. Give them an inch, and they will take a mile!
After a final breakup, you are only worth as much to them as you are profitable.

Four days after the breakup, which she initiated, my ex asked me if I could write her job application. When I said I didn't want to, she totally blew up.
I know it sounds harsh, but in my experience it's reality.
At this point they have zero empathy for you as they are in a state of self righteous entitlement (PARTICULARY if they left).

Don't make the mistake of responding to their request for help. You are worth so much more than chasing after someone who is not interested in you. In addition: as soon as you make the slightest demand of her, she'll probably turn the tables and claim she didn't want to keep in touch with you in the first place or that you're chasing her / stalking her. My ex did this to every single person who tried to be one of her little helpers.
I just heard from a former friend of hers that she accused acquaintances of stalking and assault who just nicely wanted to help her clear out her pack rat apartment.
It's a one-way street that hurts you much more, because you're able to feel an emotional connection after breakup and she doesn't because she lacks object permanence.

Thank you for sharing your experience with that behavior
I am probably getting used atm that's true
But unfortunately I cannot refuse every request due to our shared work. But I can be more clear about not helping regarding everything that isn't work, that's true
I will try my best on that too

[kells76]

I can be more clear about not helping regarding everything that isn't work, that's true
I will try my best on that too

 

Sounds like a great approach to try. Some people even have success with not "announcing" or "explaining" why they're not helping with personal stuff, but simply... not doing it. It's something for you to consider, and decide if you want to do that route.

Keep us posted on what it's like for you to help only with work stuff, and not with other stuff...