How do you manage your jealousy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it's been over a month now since she broke up with me
I feel like I have more better days than I used to have two weeks ago, which is good
But one thing that is making my days worse that I find hard to accept is the fact she has no compassion or feelings after the breakup, she can flirt Infront of me at work, and actually even to make sure I see it or hear it.
I muted her social media so it would hurt less but I do notice she uploads much more since we broke up. I also noticed she watched mine just once and then stopped, probably muted me too.

Yesterday I went to a party to keep my mind busy and perhaps even to find a nice girl for the evening, and seeing all the couples and people kissing just made me think of her at parties finding new people to do what she used to be doing with me
And the fact she has no feelings now probably makes it easier for her.

How do you manage those feelings? I sometimes wish I knew how to do that like her, just turn it off and live my life
And why would she even try to make me see her moving on if she doesn't even care anymore about me? Perhaps she does?

[Help_Seeker]

So it's been over a month now since she broke up with me
I feel like I have more better days than I used to have two weeks ago, which is good
But one thing that is making my days worse that I find hard to accept is the fact she has no compassion or feelings after the breakup, she can flirt Infront of me at work, and actually even to make sure I see it or hear it.
I muted her social media so it would hurt less but I do notice she uploads much more since we broke up. I also noticed she watched mine just once and then stopped, probably muted me too.

Yesterday I went to a party to keep my mind busy and perhaps even to find a nice girl for the evening, and seeing all the couples and people kissing just made me think of her at parties finding new people to do what she used to be doing with me
And the fact she has no feelings now probably makes it easier for her.

How do you manage those feelings? I sometimes wish I knew how to do that like her, just turn it off and live my life
And why would she even try to make me see her moving on if she doesn't even care anymore about me? Perhaps she does?

[tina7868]

Yesterday I went to a party to keep my mind busy and perhaps even to find a nice girl for the evening, and seeing all the couples and people kissing just made me think of her at parties finding new people to do what she used to be doing with me.

How do you manage those feelings?

I can relate to this way of thinking, as I have tortured myself over this as well. First, it's normal and okay to feel this way.

I personally manage them by letting them be. I allow myself to feel the pain and hurt behind them, and that acceptance usually helps it pass. Not to say that it's fun or anything, it's just better than trying to fight what is going on. I also try to bring my focus back to myself instead of placing it on others (also easier said than done).

And why would she even try to make me see her moving on if she doesn't even care anymore about me? Perhaps she does?

I cannot answer as to how much she cares anymore, but I will say that such behaviour reads as immature to me.

[Help_Seeker]

I can relate to this way of thinking, as I have tortured myself over this as well. First, it's normal and okay to feel this way.

I personally manage them by letting them be. I allow myself to feel the pain and hurt behind them, and that acceptance usually helps it pass. Not to say that it's fun or anything, it's just better than trying to fight what is going on. I also try to bring my focus back to myself instead of placing it on others (also easier said than done).

I cannot answer as to how much she cares anymore, but I will say that such behaviour reads as immature to me.

Thank you for your answer Tina,
I do acknowledge those feelings because well I have no choice, but it causes 2 problems, first is that it brings me down and makes me not being able to do stuff I wanna do, and second is that I'm kinda done with those feelings, as in I don't wanna feel them anymore, I'd do anything to make them pass (without getting back with her).

And yes, I do find it either immature, or she truly doesn't know the problem in it. Either way I'm doing my best not to show or say it bothers me in order not to give her any way to control my emotions (at least she won't be aware of that)

[tina7868]

I do acknowledge those feelings because well I have no choice, but it causes 2 problems, first is that it brings me down and makes me not being able to do stuff I wanna do, and second is that I'm kinda done with those feelings, as in I don't wanna feel them anymore, I'd do anything to make them pass (without getting back with her).

And yes, I do find it either immature, or she truly doesn't know the problem in it. Either way I'm doing my best not to show or say it bothers me in order not to give her any way to control my emotions (at least she won't be aware of that)

You do have a choice in how you deal with your feelings  . You could choose to completely ignore them, and let them fester. Instead, you are acknowledging them, including how much they suck. I want to highlight this point because you do have control over this aspect.

What kind of stuff do you want to do that you feel like you haven't been able to because of how you're feeling?

In my own experience, when something bothers me over the breakup, not wanting to give the other person the benefit of a reaction has been good motivation to bring the focus back to me. It also feels like a signal that I can come up with a new perspective, because ultimately I have control over how I think. Whatever it takes, like writing on this forum, making sure things like eating, exercise and sleep are optimal, seeing a profesionnal, journaling, crying it out, taking walks. This is something that has worked for me, it may be different for you. The first step is getting very specific with what feelings are bothering you.

[Help_Seeker]

You do have a choice in how you deal with your feelings  . You could choose to completely ignore them, and let them fester. Instead, you are acknowledging them, including how much they suck. I want to highlight this point because you do have control over this aspect.

What kind of stuff do you want to do that you feel like you haven't been able to because of how you're feeling?

In my own experience, when something bothers me over the breakup, not wanting to give the other person the benefit of a reaction has been good motivation to bring the focus back to me. It also feels like a signal that I can come up with a new perspective, because ultimately I have control over how I think. Whatever it takes, like writing on this forum, making sure things like eating, exercise and sleep are optimal, seeing a profesionnal, journaling, crying it out, taking walks. This is something that has worked for me, it may be different for you. The first step is getting very specific with what feelings are bothering you.

The things I wanna do are mainly planning my future, which I have a list of missions to do in order to get things forward.

The feelings that bother me are constant thoughts about her, jealousy around what she's doing (don't act on it, not even social media check) and the feelings she kind of "moved" to me as we broke up (according to my therapist) which are depression and panic attacks due to grieving.

I am actually trying to do everything I can, including therapy, started working out, more walks, writing here and talking to family members and friends. Got some better days but also some bad days (which sometimes has no trigger to be bad)

[tina7868]

You are clearly putting in a lot of work towards investing in yourself. That sort of thing sets you up to grow and will bear fruit going forward.

The feelings that bother me are constant thoughts about her, jealousy around what she's doing (don't act on it, not even social media check) and the feelings she kind of "moved" to me as we broke up (according to my therapist) which are depression and panic attacks due to grieving.

Have you looked into or discussed with your T any techniques for intrusive thoughts? What has worked for you, what has worked less?

I am actually trying to do everything I can, including therapy, started working out, more walks, writing here and talking to family members and friends.

You seem to have identified here things you can do to regulate your emotions. In my experience, going back to the basics with exercise, eating properly, and sleeping enough really make a difference.

Got some better days but also some bad days (which sometimes has no trigger to be bad)

Grief is a dynamic process. Having some days that are better than others is normal, and something that everyone can relate to. It's a journey where you might have highs and lows, realizations about yourself, take three steps back and one micro step forward. Allow yourself to go through this without judgement, but rather with kindness and compassion.


Feel free to share whatever you are feeling on any particular day, your goals for the future, whatever you feel helps. You got this, you've already taken so many steps to set yourself up for a future where you can look back at this experience for a new perspective