Feeling lost & confused after break up with BPD Ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone  ,

I've been reading this forum for 4 weeks and decided to write something because I'm not feeling well at all after the break up, he did it out of the blue.

I try to describe my situation briefly and hope that I find people here who can give me advice.

I met my "ex" (33) almost a year ago through our job (both musicians).
We immediately got along well. He was in a relationship at the time and we have had friendly contact (since we both do not live in the same country).

Half a year later we met again because we were traveling together for 2 weeks through our job.
He was still in the relationship but has started to lovebombe me and also said that it is no longer running with his relationship, that they have nothing in common and he's been thinking of breaking up for a few months.
After a few intense days he confessed to me then at some point that he very often thinks of me as soon as we do not see each other for a few hours and he slowly has feelings.
He was also very confused and did not know what to do because he never had so strong feelings for someone, or like he said "i feel like 15 again".
I had at that time already developed feelings for him because it was all very intense (and i just had an eye on him when we first met)

Long story short:
He broke up with his girlfriend on the phone after I got home (they had been together for 10 months, he told me that she wasnt sad on the phone) and he was more sure than ever that I was his "dream girl" and that I was the "love of his life" and that he wanted to be with me.

We have not seen each other for 1 month after the job and have talked every day for hours on the phone and then I finally visited him.

The first 2 weeks were awesome and he was super happy too, but after the 3rd week it got weird.
He became mean in his statements from time to time, didn't understand sarcasm anymore and was very "cold", like a total different person.

When I was back home and we talked on the phone, he started to talk in a robo voice, really cold, and said I had said something that would have hurt him.
But I couldnt remember because that was weeks ago.

5 minutes after he hung up he wrote me "omg I'm sorry for what I said, I don't know why I said that. I am so sorry but my head is empty right now".

I forgave him.

The situation did not get better.
I then learned a lot about him that he has shutdowns, problems with his family, job problems, he thinks too much and he constantly started to complain about everything (food, body hurts, headache, no sleep, traveling), although he constantly said that he does not find it cool when others complain. So he always did the opposite of what he doesn't like in others.

Over time, he started not to write a whole day, smoked a lot of weed or just getting drunk and got really bad hungover and in the evening to act as if it were nothing bad.
When I wanted to talk to him about things, afterwards was completely shutdown and needed time - no matter what it was (and i always talked calm and nice with him). But he wasnt good in conversations.

He also had problems with himself and when you could see that something was wrong he would just say "its okay" or "its fine".

The last 2 months I was so tired of his constant complaining and not talking to me that I didn't eat anymore, I got paranoia that he was hooking up with his ex again or seeing someone else, my friends knew him and whats going on and told me to leave him alone because thats not a healthy relationship.

I had no more energy.

I had 2 important appointments job wise and he knew that and every time he just didn't get back to me on those days or days before he started to pull me down.

The last time was at the beginning of October and when I was back home I asked him on the phone what was going on with him and that I found it disrespectful because I always support him when he has something important at work.

He then said he has a lot of stress etc he is sorry and then he came on with that he feels he can't make me happy.

I then said to him, "you know you can talk to me about anything or just say "hey I have a PLEASE READty day today I need time for myself" I have never told you this but I love you - just the way you are and i am always there for you".

He was then quiet and just said "I don't know what to say but I think you have more feelings for me than I have for you".

I was so shocked that I started to cry. Days before I was still with him and he did not want a break when I offered him that because he has so much stress and he may need time for himself.

I've been in the NC for 3 weeks and he's written to me twice that he thought of me a lot, he has a lot if PLEASE READ to process until he is better again and how I'm doing.

I've read so much at the time and I'm sure he has BPD, his 2 sisters also have it and his older brother is autistic.

His mother is also BPD and his childhood was a mess.
On our last call he said he doesnt know what self-love is and since he is 10 he is scared of getting old and to death. I started to cry when he said that.

I'm not fine, I don't know what's real anymore, I feel empty and I don't feel love anymore. I still love him but it feels so weird everything.

I have bad dreams, keep wondering if he's back with his ex. What she has that I don't have - Was it all my fault?

I just wish that someone would open my eyes and I could get out of this nightmare safely... :,(

[Mariposa88]

Hello everyone  ,

I've been reading this forum for 4 weeks and decided to write something because I'm not feeling well at all after the break up, he did it out of the blue.

I try to describe my situation briefly and hope that I find people here who can give me advice.

I met my "ex" (33) almost a year ago through our job (both musicians).
We immediately got along well. He was in a relationship at the time and we have had friendly contact (since we both do not live in the same country).

Half a year later we met again because we were traveling together for 2 weeks through our job.
He was still in the relationship but has started to lovebombe me and also said that it is no longer running with his relationship, that they have nothing in common and he's been thinking of breaking up for a few months.
After a few intense days he confessed to me then at some point that he very often thinks of me as soon as we do not see each other for a few hours and he slowly has feelings.
He was also very confused and did not know what to do because he never had so strong feelings for someone, or like he said "i feel like 15 again".
I had at that time already developed feelings for him because it was all very intense (and i just had an eye on him when we first met)

Long story short:
He broke up with his girlfriend on the phone after I got home (they had been together for 10 months, he told me that she wasnt sad on the phone) and he was more sure than ever that I was his "dream girl" and that I was the "love of his life" and that he wanted to be with me.

We have not seen each other for 1 month after the job and have talked every day for hours on the phone and then I finally visited him.

The first 2 weeks were awesome and he was super happy too, but after the 3rd week it got weird.
He became mean in his statements from time to time, didn't understand sarcasm anymore and was very "cold", like a total different person.

When I was back home and we talked on the phone, he started to talk in a robo voice, really cold, and said I had said something that would have hurt him.
But I couldnt remember because that was weeks ago.

5 minutes after he hung up he wrote me "omg I'm sorry for what I said, I don't know why I said that. I am so sorry but my head is empty right now".

I forgave him.

The situation did not get better.
I then learned a lot about him that he has shutdowns, problems with his family, job problems, he thinks too much and he constantly started to complain about everything (food, body hurts, headache, no sleep, traveling), although he constantly said that he does not find it cool when others complain. So he always did the opposite of what he doesn't like in others.

Over time, he started not to write a whole day, smoked a lot of weed or just getting drunk and got really bad hungover and in the evening to act as if it were nothing bad.
When I wanted to talk to him about things, afterwards was completely shutdown and needed time - no matter what it was (and i always talked calm and nice with him). But he wasnt good in conversations.

He also had problems with himself and when you could see that something was wrong he would just say "its okay" or "its fine".

The last 2 months I was so tired of his constant complaining and not talking to me that I didn't eat anymore, I got paranoia that he was hooking up with his ex again or seeing someone else, my friends knew him and whats going on and told me to leave him alone because thats not a healthy relationship.

I had no more energy.

I had 2 important appointments job wise and he knew that and every time he just didn't get back to me on those days or days before he started to pull me down.

The last time was at the beginning of October and when I was back home I asked him on the phone what was going on with him and that I found it disrespectful because I always support him when he has something important at work.

He then said he has a lot of stress etc he is sorry and then he came on with that he feels he can't make me happy.

I then said to him, "you know you can talk to me about anything or just say "hey I have a PLEASE READty day today I need time for myself" I have never told you this but I love you - just the way you are and i am always there for you".

He was then quiet and just said "I don't know what to say but I think you have more feelings for me than I have for you".

I was so shocked that I started to cry. Days before I was still with him and he did not want a break when I offered him that because he has so much stress and he may need time for himself.

I've been in the NC for 3 weeks and he's written to me twice that he thought of me a lot, he has a lot if PLEASE READ to process until he is better again and how I'm doing.

I've read so much at the time and I'm sure he has BPD, his 2 sisters also have it and his older brother is autistic.

His mother is also BPD and his childhood was a mess.
On our last call he said he doesnt know what self-love is and since he is 10 he is scared of getting old and to death. I started to cry when he said that.

I'm not fine, I don't know what's real anymore, I feel empty and I don't feel love anymore. I still love him but it feels so weird everything.

I have bad dreams, keep wondering if he's back with his ex. What she has that I don't have - Was it all my fault?

I just wish that someone would open my eyes and I could get out of this nightmare safely... :,(

[arjay]

Greetings.  Please know that I completely understand your state of mind.   Had I written about my 5-year experience, it would have come across the same, especially how you feel right now.   My BPDxw ended it and moved away.  In the end it was a blessing, though in the short run it was a roller-coaster of emotions, I won't kid you.

The day she left, I was on the floor in a "ball".  Emotionally spent; not knowing what happened; what was wrong with me; how I was going to even eat, sleep and go to work.  I literally felt that half of what was me, was gone.

You are not grounded as evidenced by your posting.  I wasn't either and it was clear that I needed help to get through the process of "unwinding" and finding a firm grounding again.  Sadly, that is often what happens to the partner of someone with BPD.

I would suggest counseling, together with posting here and reading the experiences of others (what worked for me). In reading the posts here (you suggested you have started), you will see that your emotional state has been experienced by many (including me).  Take things day-by-day and you will slowly get out this "place" we all ended up in.  It is a process and it takes time.  There is a lot of really good information as well on BPDFamily; information that helps with the understanding of and healing from these types of relationships.  This information is in addition to the posted experiences.

Know that staying NC, though difficult, gets better in time.  Going three-weeks of NC and then re-engaging means all that work you did to move-forward is undone and the disengagement process starts all starts over again.  Sadly I didn't learn that lesson until I found this site and realized what I was I doing to "me".

It gets better my dear and this place helped me to get my life back.

All the best

[SinisterComplex]

Hello everyone  ,

I've been reading this forum for 4 weeks and decided to write something because I'm not feeling well at all after the break up, he did it out of the blue.

I try to describe my situation briefly and hope that I find people here who can give me advice.

I met my "ex" (33) almost a year ago through our job (both musicians).
We immediately got along well. He was in a relationship at the time and we have had friendly contact (since we both do not live in the same country).

Half a year later we met again because we were traveling together for 2 weeks through our job.
He was still in the relationship but has started to lovebombe me and also said that it is no longer running with his relationship, that they have nothing in common and he's been thinking of breaking up for a few months.
After a few intense days he confessed to me then at some point that he very often thinks of me as soon as we do not see each other for a few hours and he slowly has feelings.
He was also very confused and did not know what to do because he never had so strong feelings for someone, or like he said "i feel like 15 again".
I had at that time already developed feelings for him because it was all very intense (and i just had an eye on him when we first met)

Long story short:
He broke up with his girlfriend on the phone after I got home (they had been together for 10 months, he told me that she wasnt sad on the phone) and he was more sure than ever that I was his "dream girl" and that I was the "love of his life" and that he wanted to be with me.

We have not seen each other for 1 month after the job and have talked every day for hours on the phone and then I finally visited him.

The first 2 weeks were awesome and he was super happy too, but after the 3rd week it got weird.
He became mean in his statements from time to time, didn't understand sarcasm anymore and was very "cold", like a total different person.

When I was back home and we talked on the phone, he started to talk in a robo voice, really cold, and said I had said something that would have hurt him.
But I couldnt remember because that was weeks ago.

5 minutes after he hung up he wrote me "omg I'm sorry for what I said, I don't know why I said that. I am so sorry but my head is empty right now".

I forgave him.

The situation did not get better.
I then learned a lot about him that he has shutdowns, problems with his family, job problems, he thinks too much and he constantly started to complain about everything (food, body hurts, headache, no sleep, traveling), although he constantly said that he does not find it cool when others complain. So he always did the opposite of what he doesn't like in others.

Over time, he started not to write a whole day, smoked a lot of weed or just getting drunk and got really bad hungover and in the evening to act as if it were nothing bad.
When I wanted to talk to him about things, afterwards was completely shutdown and needed time - no matter what it was (and i always talked calm and nice with him). But he wasnt good in conversations.

He also had problems with himself and when you could see that something was wrong he would just say "its okay" or "its fine".

The last 2 months I was so tired of his constant complaining and not talking to me that I didn't eat anymore, I got paranoia that he was hooking up with his ex again or seeing someone else, my friends knew him and whats going on and told me to leave him alone because thats not a healthy relationship.

I had no more energy.

I had 2 important appointments job wise and he knew that and every time he just didn't get back to me on those days or days before he started to pull me down.

The last time was at the beginning of October and when I was back home I asked him on the phone what was going on with him and that I found it disrespectful because I always support him when he has something important at work.

He then said he has a lot of stress etc he is sorry and then he came on with that he feels he can't make me happy.

I then said to him, "you know you can talk to me about anything or just say "hey I have a PLEASE READty day today I need time for myself" I have never told you this but I love you - just the way you are and i am always there for you".

He was then quiet and just said "I don't know what to say but I think you have more feelings for me than I have for you".

I was so shocked that I started to cry. Days before I was still with him and he did not want a break when I offered him that because he has so much stress and he may need time for himself.

I've been in the NC for 3 weeks and he's written to me twice that he thought of me a lot, he has a lot if PLEASE READ to process until he is better again and how I'm doing.

I've read so much at the time and I'm sure he has BPD, his 2 sisters also have it and his older brother is autistic.

His mother is also BPD and his childhood was a mess.
On our last call he said he doesnt know what self-love is and since he is 10 he is scared of getting old and to death. I started to cry when he said that.

I'm not fine, I don't know what's real anymore, I feel empty and I don't feel love anymore. I still love him but it feels so weird everything.

I have bad dreams, keep wondering if he's back with his ex. What she has that I don't have - Was it all my fault?

I just wish that someone would open my eyes and I could get out of this nightmare safely... :,(

Hello and welcome to the fam Mariposa.  Happy you found us and truly sorry for the circumstances that led to you having to seek us out. You definitely found the right place though. I do believe this fam here can open your eyes and help you, but only if you are willing to take in and use the insight provided to you. At the end of the day we are here to support you, but you have to do the work.

If you get a chance please peruse through our skills and tools library. I do believe you will find some very helpful information to get you started on your healing journey.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself. If you have questions please fire away. I myself, the team here and the community as a whole are here to help you and support you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[imstillhere89]

Dear Mariposa88

I know exactly what you feel. I have been with my uBPD ex for almost 2 years.
I never had so much love, affection, care and commitment from anybody else before. But also I have never heard so many bad things from anyone else in my life before. I have never been so addicted to another human being. And I have never been so hurt like I am now.

In the end of our relationship not only my mind was giving up but my body too. Both were giving me signs that this r/s cannot continue. Even when we haven't been fighting I felt like I'm sitting on a ticking bomb that can unexpectedly explode at anytime. I was nervous even going out shopping with him. Scared that again he will get angry over silly thing and make me feel embarrassed in public. I felt like I didn't know who I am anymore and that big part of myself has gone somewhere and it ain't coming back...On the other hand I was happy when he was next to me... mixed feelings, mood swings, emptiness, confusion, love and hate in the same time...I wanted him to be gone but to stay as well.. for a very long time I have felt like I am the sick one (he used to tell me I am the one causing problems and having mental problems in each fight).

I could reverse our last breakup very easily. But I haven't. I still miss him and its been around 7 weeks already. I think about him, I still love him, I still have moments thinking "maybe we could make it better, I want him to come back!" But then I realise this is not going to work. And if I do go back I may not be able to get out of it anymore..and everytime we go back it's worse than before. He would feel even more powerful and he would do even worse things knowing that I come back even after such a long time of NC.

Everyone on this forum felt what you are feeling now. Some for a shorter time, some for longer.

Reading some stories here will definitely open your eyes.
I have realised how lucky I am I have never agreed to have children with him, that we never bought house together, that we never got married. Some people weren't as lucky and they suffered way more than me and you did.

My mom told me "girl..if you would have a child with him...he would never leave you alone, he would turned this child against you and turned your life in hell." And I think she is right. Such a unstable human being that cannot look after his own emotions and his own life isn't able to look after someone else..

My family and friends who know him were really surprised he left me in peace. They were suspecting he would either turn my life upside down trying to punish me or destroy me even more by trying to come back to my life. They couldn't believe he just let go. My mom says I should be really happy and grateful it ended this way. And I think in time you will see it too. Stay strong and look after yourself. And read if it helps. People tell me to stop reading about BPD because that stops me from healing and makes me think about him even more. But I know myself and as an overthinker I need to get proper understanding of what's been going on and what mechanisms and tactics have been used in our r/s. I have to, because not knowing will drive me crazy. So for me it helps. Understanding every little aspect of his behaviour and my behaviour back at him just helps.

Take care x

[Mariposa88]

Dear Mariposa88

I know exactly what you feel. I have been with my uBPD ex for almost 2 years.
I never had so much love, affection, care and commitment from anybody else before. But also I have never heard so many bad things from anyone else in my life before. I have never been so addicted to another human being. And I have never been so hurt like I am now.

In the end of our relationship not only my mind was giving up but my body too. Both were giving me signs that this r/s cannot continue. Even when we haven't been fighting I felt like I'm sitting on a ticking bomb that can unexpectedly explode at anytime. I was nervous even going out shopping with him. Scared that again he will get angry over silly thing and make me feel embarrassed in public. I felt like I didn't know who I am anymore and that big part of myself has gone somewhere and it ain't coming back...On the other hand I was happy when he was next to me... mixed feelings, mood swings, emptiness, confusion, love and hate in the same time...I wanted him to be gone but to stay as well.. for a very long time I have felt like I am the sick one (he used to tell me I am the one causing problems and having mental problems in each fight).

I could reverse our last breakup very easily. But I haven't. I still miss him and its been around 7 weeks already. I think about him, I still love him, I still have moments thinking "maybe we could make it better, I want him to come back!" But then I realise this is not going to work. And if I do go back I may not be able to get out of it anymore..and everytime we go back it's worse than before. He would feel even more powerful and he would do even worse things knowing that I come back even after such a long time of NC.

Everyone on this forum felt what you are feeling now. Some for a shorter time, some for longer.

Reading some stories here will definitely open your eyes.
I have realised how lucky I am I have never agreed to have children with him, that we never bought house together, that we never got married. Some people weren't as lucky and they suffered way more than me and you did.

My mom told me "girl..if you would have a child with him...he would never leave you alone, he would turned this child against you and turned your life in hell." And I think she is right. Such a unstable human being that cannot look after his own emotions and his own life isn't able to look after someone else..

My family and friends who know him were really surprised he left me in peace. They were suspecting he would either turn my life upside down trying to punish me or destroy me even more by trying to come back to my life. They couldn't believe he just let go. My mom says I should be really happy and grateful it ended this way. And I think in time you will see it too. Stay strong and look after yourself. And read if it helps. People tell me to stop reading about BPD because that stops me from healing and makes me think about him even more. But I know myself and as an overthinker I need to get proper understanding of what's been going on and what mechanisms and tactics have been used in our r/s. I have to, because not knowing will drive me crazy. So for me it helps. Understanding every little aspect of his behaviour and my behaviour back at him just helps.

Take care x

Thank you for your message and for sharing your story.

I felt exactly what you describe. Even when everything was fine, I felt stressed. I always had to watch what I said or if I should be silly.
He was also always very different or very reserved in front of his friends.
I also felt like he called everything and everyone a "friend" and didn't really see the difference between acquaintances and friends.

I never saw the man I fell in love with again. The man I fell in love with in the beginning was super fun and very open in communication and not stressed. And there I never asked myself if I should do this or that.

The more I got to know him privately, the more I didn't recognize him. Some days he was like a child that didn't know what he wanted.

In the beginning he also said, "Don't be surprised that I'm very boring in private and not like you met me at work". He says he feels like a grandpa sometimes.

Reading here on this forum has opened my eyes and I am very grateful for that (even though we have all been in such a situation).
There are days when I feel a little better, but also days when I miss him so much and cry so much and hope he will get back to me.

I don't know if I regret writing him 3 weeks ago... He replied that he often thinks of me when he see something that reminds him of me. He said that he is also not well and has a lot of work ahead of him until he is better.
But I don't believe him anymore.

It just kills me that there was no real closure. I just find it gross that he mirrored me in the beginning and I was just an object...that hurts so damn bad, I just don't get it.
I wanted to see a therapist but the waiting times here are so long right now.

I think all the time what is he doing, he is now away on a job for 5 weeks starting Friday. I wanted to do so much with him together ...

Sometimes I feel like I am the crazy person and something is wrong with me..

[Mariposa88]

Hello and welcome to the fam Mariposa.   Happy you found us and truly sorry for the circumstances that led to you having to seek us out. You definitely found the right place though. I do believe this fam here can open your eyes and help you, but only if you are willing to take in and use the insight provided to you. At the end of the day we are here to support you, but you have to do the work.

If you get a chance please peruse through our skills and tools library. I do believe you will find some very helpful information to get you started on your healing journey.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself. If you have questions please fire away. I myself, the team here and the community as a whole are here to help you and support you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you very much for your help : )