Bpd ex girlfriend doesn’t want me to move on

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Hi. So my ex fiancé discarded me two weeks ago long story short. Threw me out like I was a toy. Literally out of nowhere . She told me to move on that she’s not ready for a serious relationship but yet when we go no contact,  then we start talking again because she’s been “suicidal” then she finds out that I’m going on a few dates here soon. She makes me feel bad for going on dates. And says she still loves me? Like wtf is going on what do I do? It’s been a non stop roller coaster with this woman ever since we first started dating. One minute she loves me the next minute she hates me then she doesn’t want to talk to me etc . I don’t get it. She doesn’t want me to move on but yet she’s flirting with guys she told me not to worry about when we were dating

[Lightning270]

Hi. So my ex fiancé discarded me two weeks ago long story short. Threw me out like I was a toy. Literally out of nowhere . She told me to move on that she’s not ready for a serious relationship but yet when we go no contact,  then we start talking again because she’s been “suicidal” then she finds out that I’m going on a few dates here soon. She makes me feel bad for going on dates. And says she still loves me? Like wtf is going on what do I do? It’s been a non stop roller coaster with this woman ever since we first started dating. One minute she loves me the next minute she hates me then she doesn’t want to talk to me etc . I don’t get it. She doesn’t want me to move on but yet she’s flirting with guys she told me not to worry about when we were dating

[arjay]

but yet when we go no contact,  then we start talking again because she’s been “suicidal” then she finds out that I’m going on a few dates here soon.

It sounds like you are still in contact with her and she knows your life because likely you told her.  As she is a grown adult, she is no longer your problem and staying in contact is only "resetting the clock"; the time period it takes to finally break free and for her to finally move on.  Each time you re-engage, whether by phone, text, etc, the process starts all over again.  You haven't actually ended anything, but now simply moved on to the next stage in the dis-function (I went through this as well).  The goal here is for her to attach to somebody else and forget about you (and she will eventually if you stop engaging). Sharing your personal life (I have dates, etc), is not only counter-productive but will likely make the end-stage even more problematic.

Stay bland, un-interesting, boring and quit sharing your personal life (not trying to be harsh here but this is important).  Ignore her texts and phone calls and when she shows up at your door, don't answer.  Please realize that her trying to contact you may well escalate before it ultimately ends.  Think of how a "screen door" swings wildly and then eventually slows and closes.  Likely this is how it will go for you.

Read and follow the many articles on this site regarding "moving on from a relationship with a BPD person".  It's a "process" and not a "one day event".

All the best

[SinisterComplex]

Hi. So my ex fiancé discarded me two weeks ago long story short. Threw me out like I was a toy. Literally out of nowhere . She told me to move on that she’s not ready for a serious relationship but yet when we go no contact,  then we start talking again because she’s been “suicidal” then she finds out that I’m going on a few dates here soon. She makes me feel bad for going on dates. And says she still loves me? Like wtf is going on what do I do? It’s been a non stop roller coaster with this woman ever since we first started dating. One minute she loves me the next minute she hates me then she doesn’t want to talk to me etc . I don’t get it. She doesn’t want me to move on but yet she’s flirting with guys she told me not to worry about when we were dating

Hello and welcome to the Fam Lightning.  . Happy you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that have led to you to seek us out.

With that said please continue to use this as a resource to help you on your journey. Having your thread here will get more visibility and more responses from the community that may provide you more solace and help.

If you have questions please feel free to fire away. In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Lightning270]

It sounds like you are still in contact with her and she knows your life because likely you told her.  As she is a grown adult, she is no longer your problem and staying in contact is only "resetting the clock"; the time period it takes to finally break free and for her to finally move on.  Each time you re-engage, whether by phone, text, etc, the process starts all over again.  You haven't actually ended anything, but now simply moved on to the next stage in the dis-function (I went through this as well).  The goal here is for her to attach to somebody else and forget about you (and she will eventually if you stop engaging). Sharing your personal life (I have dates, etc), is not only counter-productive but will likely make the end-stage even more problematic.

Stay bland, un-interesting, boring and quit sharing your personal life (not trying to be harsh here but this is important).  Ignore her texts and phone calls and when she shows up at your door, don't answer.  Please realize that her trying to contact you may well escalate before it ultimately ends.  Think of how a "screen door" swings wildly and then eventually slows and closes.  Likely this is how it will go for you.

Read and follow the many articles on this site regarding "moving on from a relationship with a BPD person".  It's a "process" and not a "one day event".

All the best

So what does this mean? Like I still love her this is so hard. She says she’s seeking help and all that. But in reality , she still threw me out like I was a toy. Wouldn’t it be foolish if I even gave her another chance? And can you explain the whole “process”? I know about the idealize , devalue and discard what does the recycle mean? Like what is her intentions here.

[Lightning270]

So what does this mean? Like I still love her this is so hard. She says she’s seeking help and all that. But in reality , she still threw me out like I was a toy. Wouldn’t it be foolish if I even gave her another chance? And can you explain the whole “process”? I know about the idealize , devalue and discard what does the recycle mean? Like what is her intentions here.

Also what’s the end stage? What’s the stage we are talking about ?

[Lightning270]

Hello and welcome to the Fam Lightning.  . Happy you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that have led to you to seek us out.

With that said please continue to use this as a resource to help you on your journey. Having your thread here will get more visibility and more responses from the community that may provide you more solace and help.




If you have questions please feel free to fire away. In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Lightning270]

Hello and welcome to the Fam Lightning.  . Happy you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that have led to you to seek us out.

With that said please continue to use this as a resource to help you on your journey. Having your thread here will get more visibility and more responses from the community that may provide you more solace and help.

If you have questions please feel free to fire away. In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you buddy. Yeah it’s been really hard like I said it’s a long story the way this relationship was and how it ended it was very chaotic I loved this girl with all my heart but in the end she literally because a different person. It’s like the whole relationship she pretended to be my dream girl then once she got bored of me she began flirting with other people behind my back. Telling lies about me to her family, allowed her family to emotionally , mentally and verbally abuse me. And then she took off to Oklahoma before because of an argument we had. I’m pretty sure she’s cheated emotionally if not physically but she still Denys any wrong doing. And tried to gaslight me about reallt happened, it’s just hard man. I loved this girl she was my fiancé . I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.  But she takes no accountability for anything. She has somewhat. She says she’s getting help and that she doesn’t want to hurt me or anyone else again. And that she “needs time” but I don’t know if I should believe that man. Her moms been staying with her because she’s been suicidal so idk. All I’ve been doing lately is worrying about myself tbh

[arjay]

So what does this mean? Like I still love her this is so hard. She says she’s seeking help and all that. But in reality , she still threw me out like I was a toy. Wouldn’t it be foolish if I even gave her another chance? And can you explain the whole “process”? I know about the idealize , devalue and discard what does the recycle mean? Like what is her intentions here.

Detaching and moving on from a relationship with a person suffering from BPD, is truly a "process" and unlike the ending of a typical relationship.

I was married for 5-years to my now BPDxw.  She ended the marriage and left.  It was painful and truly a process, because I still received correspondence, emails, texts, apologies and it kept me "stuck".  Staying engaged gave me "false hope" and actually made the process of healing and moving on for me, more painful and protracted.  Example:

• I am told the marriage is over - period
• She moves away and is now alone and scared, calling me; frantic at times and wanting me to move to be with her. She tells me she is cutting herself and not sure she wants to live
• We do a video-chat because I was deeply concerned and she tells me it was the kindest thing I ever did for her.
• Two days later I receive some of the most toxic emails imaginable.  It set me back emotionally weeks
• She meets someone new and sends me pics telling me how much better he is than I ever was
• I start dating and respond in kind, ignoring the fact that I am essentially using an innocent person, in hopes my xWife will become jealous and change her mind
• I realize I need help; start counseling and learning all I can about BPD, realizing I am still in the FOG
• I begin the slow process of healing; complete NC (going on 15 years).
• I realized from my own personal work, that my own lack of self-respect kept me in a relationship I should have ended in the first few months.  "It was mostly my fault", was a common thought in my head for her decision to leave

.

It really boils down to, who was in control of my life.  I elected to stay engaged (of course I still loved her), in spite of the anguish that not only was common in the relationship, but something I allowed to continue after "she left". It wasn't until I really learned about BPD, that everything I was going through; everything I experienced, right up to finally going NC for good, is all part of the circle of these types of relationships.  As my counselor said: "sometimes the kindest thing one can do, is to let the other go".

The "process" to which I refer is well documented in the resources on this site.  Unless you completely disengage, expect you will be "used" as an emotional crutch, until she is attached to someone else.  So who is in control of your life and emotions?

All the best

[Lightning270]

Detaching and moving on from a relationship with a person suffering from BPD, is truly a "process" and unlike the ending of a typical relationship.

I was married for 5-years to my now BPDxw.  She ended the marriage and left.  It was painful and truly a process, because I still received correspondence, emails, texts, apologies and it kept me "stuck".  Staying engaged gave me "false hope" and actually made the process of healing and moving on for me, more painful and protracted.  Example:

• I am told the marriage is over - period
• She moves away and is now alone and scared, calling me; frantic at times and wanting me to move to be with her. She tells me she is cutting herself and not sure she wants to live
• We do a video-chat because I was deeply concerned and she tells me it was the kindest thing I ever did for her.
• Two days later I receive some of the most toxic emails imaginable.  It set me back emotionally weeks
• She meets someone new and sends me pics telling me how much better he is than I ever was
• I start dating and respond in kind, ignoring the fact that I am essentially using an innocent person, in hopes my xWife will become jealous and change her mind
• I realize I need help; start counseling and learning all I can about BPD, realizing I am still in the FOG
• I begin the slow process of healing; complete NC (going on 15 years).
• I realized from my own personal work, that my own lack of self-respect kept me in a relationship I should have ended in the first few months.  "It was mostly my fault", was a common thought in my head for her decision to leave

.

It really boils down to, who was in control of my life.  I elected to stay engaged (of course I still loved her), in spite of the anguish that not only was common in the relationship, but something I allowed to continue after "she left". It wasn't until I really learned about BPD, that everything I was going through; everything I experienced, right up to finally going NC for good, is all part of the circle of these types of relationships.  As my counselor said: "sometimes the kindest thing one can do, is to let the other go".

The "process" to which I refer is well documented in the resources on this site.  Unless you completely disengage, expect you will be "used" as an emotional crutch, until she is attached to someone else.  So who is in control of your life and emotions?

All the best

UPDATE: She blocked me on what’s app, which was weird considering last night she said she still loved me and everything and didn’t seem to care whatsoever that I was going on a date. I literally asked her one more time that if she was into me still to let me know because I’m going on a date tomorrow and she blocked me LOL

[HisHarmonicGirl]

You should take some time for yourself to really decide if you want the relationship even with its extremes. Great she's getting help but remember it isn't a guarantee she will keep up with it and she will always have episodes. If you decide to stay with her, maybe a few more years to really understand the extent of her disorder. If you decide to leave, make sure you cut off all ties and give a headsup to future serious partners. If you don't, you put your future partners at risk of her developing and acting upon hatred for your new person.