Viewing them as children

[ClarityNow]

Just wanted to share something that has been helping me...My husband of nearly 20 years is an undiagnosed BPD, and lately I've begun to view him as a child, in the sense of how I react to his outbursts. I'm a mother to actual children, and his tantrums over trivial things aren't much different from the ones my kids threw as toddlers (despite the fact that he is well into his 40s). With my kids, when they were having meltdowns I occasionally got very frustrated, but I was usually able to remain calm and wait it out. I didn't entirely blame them for their behavior because I knew that at only 2 or 3 years old, they were mentally incapable of controlling their emotions and thinking logically. I didn't take it personally if they yelled at me or told me to go away or something. I might punish them, but I didn't run up to my room and burst into tears...because through it all, I knew I was the adult and they were children still learning how to behave.

With my husband, up until recently I reacted very emotionally to his outbursts and let them ruin my own emotional state. I played into the drama by driving off in the middle of the night and sitting in my car in an empty parking lot, sobbing, or sitting on the bathroom floor all night, sobbing, because of cruel things he had said to me. But now I absolutely refuse to participate in the drama anymore. Yes, it's extremely frustrating that someone in his 40s sometimes literally acts like a 2-year-old, but now that I've learned more about BPD, I'm able to view his tantrums from more of an emotional distance. I'm seeing that they have NOTHING to do with me, even when he specifically accuses me of things or says things designed to hurt me. It's just his extremely immature emotional brain responding to a distorted sense of reality. Does that make it okay? Hell no. But I at least recognize that I have to treat him differently than I would treat an average 40-something-year-old man. I have to stay the calm, rational, reasonable adult, ignoring all the overly dramatic clutter and addressing the actual facts (if there are any) of whatever issue he's trying to bring up. Then I disappear for as long as I need to until he calms down. It's basically the equivalent of putting him in time-out.

It's actually been amusing in recent weeks to see his reaction to my new way of responding to him. He seems confused that he can't upset me anymore, and his tantrums are dying out a lot faster. I think even he can't help but notice the contrast in our behavior, and he often comes to realize he was being stupid.

I'm sure this sounds very condescending and it probably is, but the fact is that all of us on here are much more emotionally mature than our pwBPDs. The trick is to be aware of our relative emotional maturity without being outright condescending to the pwPBD, because of course they wouldn't take well to condescension. For example, my husband is on a tirade today because I dared to order prescription lenses for my glasses. Nevermind the fact that we had already discussed it and he made no objection beforehand--he is determined to paint me as some crazy spendthrift, as he always does when I dare to spend any money, even though he is the irresponsible one with money. He's been trying all afternoon to strike up an argument about it. I've just been responding calmly and rationally when he actually brings up some kind of point based in something like reality, then ignoring him when he throws fantastical jabs at me. I'm also avoiding being around him as much as possible, but I'm not acting angry when I do see him, like I would have in the past. I'm trying to act like my usual self, just like I would act around a toddler throwing a tantrum. It's his problem, not mine.

Basically, he is emotionally disabled. He has made improvements in recent years, but I'm sure he will always be at some kind of emotional disadvantage. It took me a very long time to realize that so many of his outbursts have had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me. For too long, I let his behavior affect my self-esteem and my mental state. No longer!

And of course, I have to ask myself why I am still married to someone like this, but as you all know, it's complicated. This is where I am right now, so I am going to focus on what I can do about it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Excellent!
 

[yellowbutterfly]

Yes yes yes yes! I’m impressed with your ability to be rational and handle your BPD person.

[waverider]

There is a Caveat to this approach. Children are naïve, learning, evolving and you have authority over them. Adult pwBPD are accomplished at what they are doing, They do not have the cognitive ability to link cause and effect and adjust their behaviour to change the outcome to the same extent. Hence with children you are attempting to modify their behaviour, with pwBPD you are often wasting your time with that goal and you are modifying the situation to protect your own mental welfare.

The lack of authority over them means you can only have control over you, you can't ground them or take away their toys.

But emotionally yes they are are underdeveloped, but it is important to know the difference otherwise you may come across as condescending and trigger invalidation, as you say. They can also eventually clue on to the fact that you are treating them like a child

The key to what you are saying here is you need to be able to detach yourself from allowing it to be about you. Overtime though this can be harder to do as each 'episode' chips a small chunk off your defensive wall until eventually you get thoroughly sick of the repetition of the "same old same old". It is very difficult caring for someone who essentially denies they have issues and need caring for, it becomes very unrewarding. Kids know they are kids and need you, pwBPD aften believe they are more capable and better than you and that you are the one with "issues"

Your approach is a good foundation to start from and will head off a lot of issues that otherwise would escalate very quickly. Escalation is usually the killer

[thankful person]

Hi Clarity,

Sounds like you’re handling things really well these days, good for you. I also managed to make this shift in my relationship and ways of thinking. Since I stopped getting so upset, it really has become clear how little my wife is actually attached to the crazy accusations. Like, when I’d keep bringing up issues to deny them and defend myself, I was just keeping the fight going. But if I ignore it as such and not add fuel to the fire, she will literally say things shortly that show she never believed any of it anyway. It’s so odd, but yes it is a lot like children saying, “I hate you” when they don’t mean it. My 3 year old daughter has twice told my wife to “calm down” recently. She’s just starting to talk so we’re proud of her for any speech , my wife told her, “no” but actually did manage to calm down and I was amazed.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi ClarityNow, 

I haven't yet had the chance to say welcome, and I'm glad you're here and sharing your thoughts. 

Well done on setting some personal boundaries for you! For you to choose that the arguments are not necessary to engage in shows that you're taking a huge step to focus on you and what you can control: your responses to his emotional unstableness. What he does is beyond your control. It will take continued strength, but like with weight lifting, those muscles get stronger with time and practice.

Not engaging is something I had to strengthen my 'resolve' muscles to do in order to break my own personal unhealthy patterns of relating. While it was tough, it was necessary and became a healthy boundary for me.

Keep at it! 
Wools

[FirstSteps]

I've struggled with this a lot.  I've been so happy to find that balance yet, as Waverider points out, it also chips away at you.  I don't want another kid!  I also don't want to waste decades parenting a supposed partner.

It's so hard but I'm so happy that you've had this small victory.  It felt so good for me to take back even that level of control and stop being a "chaos addict" myself.

My uPBDw has actually moved beyond this stage in the last three weeks.  I'm wary but maybe in a best case scenario, what you're doing now is a stage to a more equal and stable relationship.