First time separated in 7 years

[jrharvey]

Been with my BPD wife for 7 years and for the first time ever we are separated more than 24 hours. I want to take advantage of the time I have to myself but not sure where to start.

It all started like every typical BPD fight. She gets triggered by something completley non existent that I didnt even do and she instantly became disregulated and blew up. I spent HOURS trying to stay calm and ride the wave and let her just burn out. Tried to leave the room, she followed me yelling and screaming. Tried to stay silent, she got in my face. Tried talking to her calmly and lovingly and she started slamming things and shaking ice and random stuff like that every time I spoke. I let her speak and try to get her feelings out for IDK 1/2 an hour or so. Just nothing was working. In the past I have also had a bad temper in these situations but Ive been working so hard to control it. I think this time I did the best job I possibly could in that situation and although I am extremely proud of myself I did eventually completely lose my $%!t. What triggered myself is that she had been disregulated for 4 hours straight and I had a virtual meeting I needed to attend. I tried to leave the house but she desparately tried to stop me. When I tried to force my way out she threatened that if I left she wouldnt be here when I got back. She also threatened that if I was "going to leave and do something bad then so would she". What she means is she believes I am not really going to a meeting but Im going to go have sex with other women and she would find some guy. Its a typical response from her in these situations. That last part is what triggered me. As strong as i tried to be I panicked at that moment and knew that I NEEDED to leave and find a quiet spot for the meeting but I also was fearful of what she may do in this incredibly disregulated state to end up destroying our marriage. The stress of missing the meeting and fear of her actions sent me down a spiral of rage and I lost it. I am screaming at her, she is screaming at me and it gets really, really, really ugly. She is screaming in the front yard and neighbors are coming out to see. Next thing I know cops are called. She tells the cops she "doesnt feel safe" and wants to get away from me. Thank god the cops listen to my side of the story and for the first time ever I feel like they actually beleived me and maybe even felt bad for me. I offered to let them listen to audio recordings and video recordings of the ordeal but they didnt have time or maybe there are some legal issues with that. Either way they were super cool about it. Could have gone very badly though. She got her stuff and left.

All that being said now we have been separated for over 24 hours. For 7 years my wife has never let me out of her sight for that long because of her massive fear and insecurity. Now that I can I want to figure stuff out. I want to talk to someone about everything that has happened and get a massive reality check of where to go next. I really need something and quick beause I dont want to fall into a trap of just accepting her back in my life again and going right back into the loop. I dont know where to start or what to do. Ive been through therapy which in my opinion is just a massive waste of time and money. I talk, talk, talk and I get litterally nothing in return. I could talk to my dog for free. I dont know whats real anymore. Ive been gaslit for 7 years straight and so out of touch with the world and whats right and wrong. I want to work on myself but thats tough because for 7 years I have been told about what a horrible, dirty, cheating, uncaring man I am and I dont know where the truth is and where the fantasy is. Never once cheated BTW and never once even came close to even flirting with another woman while I was married. Would be impossible anyways since she monitors litterally everything I do.

IDK I need to figure something out. I dont want to sit around all alone and not get anything done. I dont know what the future of our marriage is. Like everyone says the good times are freaking amazing. We are like 2 puzzle peices meant for each other and she is so sweet, kind and loving when things are good. Just these absurd disregulated moments really overshadow any of the good stuff at this point. She is already texting me and calling and appoligizing for how she acted and talking about how much she loves me and misses me. I told her I need time. A lot of time to work on myself and really think. I really, really dont want a divorce. I want so badly for this to work but I cant force her to change and I dont know how to live a functioning life if she doesnt.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Sorry to hear. You can make this into a positive turning point. How do you want your life and marriage to look like? What steps are you thinking about to make progress in that direction?

Have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist? If not, I'd recommend it as it has lots of good info and encouragement to focus more on yourself which seems ironic but actually can help the relationship, not to mention your life.

[jrharvey]

Sorry to hear. You can make this into a positive turning point. How do you want your life and marriage to look like? What steps are you thinking about to make progress in that direction?

Have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist? If not, I'd recommend it as it has lots of good info and encouragement to focus more on yourself which seems ironic but actually can help the relationship, not to mention your life.

Well for now I am trying to keep my expectations low. I dont need much I think. I just want us to be able to have some kind of functioning relationship (the opposite of this disfunctional one). I dont expect us to stop all the arguing but I would like to be able to have discussions and even argue but in a FAIR way and one that is not so destructive. My goal is to stop this insane fighting that seems to always go WAY TOO FAR!

I havent read that book. I have read several books but not that one. I can put it on my list. I do think the time off has been very relaxing for me. Im litterally just home by myself taking care of myself but it feels good.

[Jabiru]

Think more than needs. What wants do you have also? It's ok to think about it even if you don't think you'll achieve it yet. You need a vision before you can achieve it. And good for taking care of yourself. Continue that. Good luck and keep us posted

[Manic Miner]

Welcome aboard.

What you described is quite similar to my case. Together for 23 years, childhood love. In the past we were like two puzzle pieces meant for each other, as you said. Friends commented how we were such a nice couple that could overcome every single difficulty and remain in love after all these years. We have a daughter together that has special needs due to premature birth. We used to manage that nicely as well.

But eventually our relationship started deteriorating, big time. I think the major part in it was my W's undiagnosed BPD that I suspected for years and my exhaustion to cope with it. For decades she didn't feel 'right' or so to say, during disregulation. It was unlike anything I have seen. I used to manage it somehow and after every disregulation she somehow returned back to her sane and kind form. But her resentment started to grow slowly. She was rarely apologizing, playing dreadful power games, who is above whom, who is better, pushing her motherhood through the roof with huge entitlement. I started defending and explaining more and more.

There was always a feeling that nothing was good enough. Even things that were great could have been better or different. Or at least I hoped they would pave the road to something better. Nope, good things were good for one time only, tomorrow was rinse and repeat. Time to 'prove' myself again.

Fast forward today, we separated. Been like that for 3,5 months. I'm sure my wife did that to prove her point and secretly hoped I'd be there to beg her to come back. I didn't, for the first time in my life.
I told her if we were to reunite, some things would definitely need to change and be different. We couldn't hope for different result by mixing same ingredients. Sadly, instead of becoming more nice she became even more violent and full of resentment, sadness and anger.

My gut feeling tells me we have crossed the line of ever reuniting. You see, for months I worked on myself. I now see more clearly what I can and cannot tolerate. Some call it boundaries. She, on the other hand didn't. She is aware of her rage problems that she used to put on me, but blames the environment or justifies her behaviour. But that's not the worst - the worst is her denial that she has any issues that are truly detrimental to our relationship and is faux self-confident.  

She doesn't do anything kind for us, unless I do it first. She doesn't approach me with some hope or plan to be together again - I have to do it first. I can no longer see or feel that she truly loves me, outside of being with me so long, sharing the parenting, occasional nostalgia etc. And even if she does have feelings for me, it's totally off the rails and doesn't seem healthy. It's all mixed in those power games. Discovering who she really is and what she really wants is enigma even for me.

So, my suggestion to you is to stick to yourself and contemplate. Ask yourself what do you want from this relationship? Are you confident you can do this in the long run, as BPD is likely here to stay? Don't think it will go away by some magic.
The good news is, I recognize the pattern you mentioned in your relationship that I too experienced and IMO, you still have a good chance. Your wife told you she loved you and wanted to come back. You feel similar. That's good. Maybe all you have to do is to learn the tools how to manage your words and validate her. Maybe if you are open to each other you can see what triggers her and you can try to avoid that. It's a long road ahead, one step at a time.

Be true to yourself and what you can and cannot tolerate. Also I agree with you about therapists. Finding the good one is hard. They are overrated for what they really do and sometimes all you need is a friend to talk to.

Good luck!

[Cat Familiar]

How are things today? You’ve been a member here for six years, so you’ve got a good idea of what to expect. Has she been communicating with you?

[FirstSteps]

To echo others, I hope you can take that space as a starting point.  It has been the case for me.  It was actually my wife who finally "took the space" as I was too locked into a new pattern of setting boundary after boundary but never leaving.  Then I got four weeks out of six alone this fall, and it's like all the illusions just fell away.

I can't recommend that book highly enough either.  It's the only one I've read more than once.  She has a newsletter too.