Struggling relationship

[Heart]

My daughter had been diagnosed with bpd when she was 17. She is now 24 . It has been a very painful journey for all of us in our immediate family and extended family. The anger , the emotional unstabilty and everything else included. She has now graduated from college and struggling to make it. She has had many short term relationships with men . She is now pregnant with her first child. She is in a turbulent relationship now with the father of the baby. It is very hard for her, him and us. He does not understand the rollercoaster. We try to be here for them but it gets very troublesome because of the emotions and frustration from the inconsistency of emotions and actions. It has been very hard now a baby on the way and no stable place to live. I'm in need of help on what to do or say . She does not know she has bpd.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[atthebeginning]

Hi Heart,
I'm a newbie too and so far I've not had to deal with (yet) a "baby on the way" situation so I'm going to defer to those who have been through this experience.  Just know that we're all here to offer support.  Hang on in there and I'm sure someone will come back with their advice and how they handle this.

[Sancho]

Hi Heart
I have read your post through a few times - it is difficult to know what to say. A baby on the way just adds so many layers of complexity. About 13 years ago I was in the same position. Now 12 year old is in one room and dd in the other as I write this.

DD didn't want me involved with the baby and I just stood back. But it wasn't long before she did need me. And here we are all these years later. At the moment we are in crisis and I really don't know what to do.

I tried looking back at my journey to see if I could suggest anything. The only thing I think I should have done was to think about possibilities and how I would respond.

Given how things are, it is possible the couple will split up at some point - what are the possibilities then? Would the father want to care for the child? Could your dd care for the child? How much support would you need to give? Are there options for more stable accomodation?

Do you see yourself as rearing the child as many grandparents do these days.

Given the turmoil of BPD, you might be totally focused on coping with the day to day issues at the moment and not have the headspace to even think about even the short term future.

Are there health supports in the picture and importantly are you able to access support for yourself?

When just about everything is out of our control and we have to deal with the chaos on a day to day basis, the only thing we CAN do is make sure we have some sort of support in place - whether it is a personal counsellor, our routine time out in place and our skills developed to be able to cope with the extraordinary challenge of a loved one with BPD.

I hope you have some things in place already - just for you.

[Aralia]

Heart this must be a very emotional time for you and your family.  However, I do not understand how your daughter does not know that she has a bpd diagnosis.  Do you think it would be helpful to her at this point to understand why she is so sensitive and emotionally dysregulated?  I have heard that people are upset but also relieved when they hear the diagnosis.