Food for thought (or emotion?) for people who ruminate on the Good Times

[Tupla Sport]

After 7 weeks of NC, I've been in a rough patch for about a week now. Almost has felt like being in square one. It's receding lately but I have taken some dives for sure.

Yesterday I came to terms with having an anxious attachment style. That realization perhaps opened up new ideas in my mind and today I received this following insight:

People with untreated or even treated BPD often do not live happy, content lives. As a partner, having anxious attachment perhaps made me overlook this crucial factor. I don't think I have ever considered myself a happy person either. Being in a hypertoxic r/s with a person whose highs and lows were heroin-like just jived unfortunately well with me.

Everybody I've opened up to about my ex's BPD has repeatedly told me that they're going to screw up their next r/s and I never kind of accepted that as being pretty likely. Not that the likelihood ultimately matters, but I'm talking about accepting what happened in a broader sense. If an unhappy life looks happy to you, people being self-destructive and rollercoaster-esque with their identities and emotions looks happy to you. The way you perceive happiness at least. Barely staying afloat as happiness.

I'm not saying we all have unhealthy attachment styles, but I am saying that something in you yourself might be keeping you from seeing the big picture. Most likely it's the simple fact that you're trauma bonded with them. It takes time to shake it off but it will probably be advantageous to have discussions with yourself about quality of life in general and for you personally.

[imstillhere89]

I have noticed we are going thru the same phases.
Both your and mine exes will screw up their next r/s like they have been always. I'm pretty sure about that. Sometimes it does make me feel better, sometimes not. Because I still care about him and still love him. Half of me want him to pay for what he has done to me and half of me wants him to be happy. That makes me feel even more crazy than I felt befor..

[cranmango]

Just want to chime in and say that this really resonates with me. I am currently in limited contact with my ex, and it has been a struggle to integrate the good times (which I ruminate on) with the bad times (which I have to consciously bring to mind). Your insights regarding attachment style and how we perceive happiness in others are good food for thought.

Also, I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad week. Any idea what made this week particularly hard for you?

[Tupla Sport]

I have noticed we are going thru the same phases.
Both your and mine exes will screw up their next r/s like they have been always. I'm pretty sure about that. Sometimes it does make me feel better, sometimes not. Because I still care about him and still love him. Half of me want him to pay for what he has done to me and half of me wants him to be happy. That makes me feel even more crazy than I felt befor..

I'm in a weird place with my ex and the breakup. We broke up over text and her cheating with my best friend came to light and she lives in my immediate neighbourhood. I had to cut two of the closest people to me out of my life like cancer. I don't suppose I love her but I miss throwing love AT her and receiving the same in return.

[Tupla Sport]

Just want to chime in and say that this really resonates with me. I am currently in limited contact with my ex, and it has been a struggle to integrate the good times (which I ruminate on) with the bad times (which I have to consciously bring to mind). Your insights regarding attachment style and how we perceive happiness in others are good food for thought.

Also, I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad week. Any idea what made this week particularly hard for you?

Thank you for sharing, and welcome!

I think seeing my ex about a week ago caused a lot of this turmoil. Made me think I'm probably seeing her in the future too. She has been hiding at her place, ordering groceries in to avoid me and other people. I think the reason I saw her was that she can't order cigarettes home. She is smoking a lot more and stronger cigs than before.

Yeah. I just left my friend's place and I'm a little tired and would just love to have her there to message her. The minute I'm out the door I feel alone. I get emotionally hungry especially when I'm feeling down and it's when my thoughts go to her.

When I'm alone and this happens I often talk myself out of it by speaking to myself out loud. I reason, argue and reminisce about the reality with her. It often helps a lot. But the emotional hunger pangs really get me at times.

[Rev]

Here's a great resource - recommended to me by one of the leading clinical psychologists in the part of the world I am from.

https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139/ref=asc_df_1585429139?tag=bingshopdesk-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80401879906421&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584001432965352&psc=1

Everybody has an attachment style. Every style has its pros and cons apart from the really black and white situations. The authors have really put a lot of emphasis to move away from "what is wrong" to "given your attachment style, what will work for you."

Truly excellent.

Rev

[Rev]

When I'm alone and this happens I often talk myself out of it by speaking to myself out loud. I reason, argue and reminisce about the reality with her. It often helps a lot. But the emotional hunger pangs really get me at times.

Eventually the hunger pangs will diminish. I took me a while to get there. Today, she feels like a distant memory, and I barely remember any good times, probably because there were a lot fewer than I first convinced myself.

[Tupla Sport]

Here's a great resource - recommended to me by one of the leading clinical psychologists in the part of the world I am from.

https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139/ref=asc_df_1585429139?tag=bingshopdesk-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80401879906421&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584001432965352&psc=1

Everybody has an attachment style. Every style has its pros and cons apart from the really black and white situations. The authors have really put a lot of emphasis to move away from "what is wrong" to "given your attachment style, what will work for you."

Truly excellent.

Rev

Yeah, it's very true that it's a style and we all have one. i think my number one priority when it comes to relationships and attachment styles in the future is be vary of people with avoidant style. It's just not a good combination.

[Tupla Sport]

I also feel like the reason why the breakup with its details is bothering me still is that I'm actually trying to look in a mirror every time I think about it. I lost myself in the relationship and when it ended, I've been busy pushing the replay button like a ghost at the site of its death. The actual end to the relationship is almost trivial compared to the horror of losing oneself in the relationship. When she told me she wanted to break up, I did not protest the actual decision she made. I did not want to persuade her otherwise. Something that I have done some times in the past with partners who dumped me. I protested the trickery of leaving me hanging and later the fact that she had went on dates with my friend when I learnt about it but I did not plea for her to take me back.

I keep pushing replay because I need to see myself in her and the relationship. That's why I spent tens of hours ruminating on the exact wording of her breakup message and all the other details. Like if she really started dating my friend or not. I still feel tethered to her even though I do not want to be with her. I'm also afraid that she will contact me again and also that she will not contact me ever again. I guess if anything I miss the chaos where everything is a war zone and it's relatively safe in the sense that I don't need to guess which of my anxieties is right or wrong; it's all very in-your-face.

[cranmango]

Yeah. I just left my friend's place and I'm a little tired and would just love to have her there to message her. The minute I'm out the door I feel alone. I get emotionally hungry especially when I'm feeling down and it's when my thoughts go to her.

When I'm alone and this happens I often talk myself out of it by speaking to myself out loud. I reason, argue and reminisce about the reality with her. It often helps a lot. But the emotional hunger pangs really get me at times.

For what it's worth, I hear you. Different circumstances here, but similar headspace. I generally think it's helpful to reason/argue/reminisce out loud. Get those thoughts out of your head, even if it's just you and the wind.

The emotional hunger pangs are rough. It's not forever. But for now, it's really hard.

[Tupla Sport]

I think one of the weirder and more counter-intuitive things your mind does is blocking the bad stuff out so you only remember the good things unless you really press it. I know it's the brain's self-defense mechanism but it does put you in a terrible spot. I think it's at the heart of toxic relationships: the bad things are so terrible your brain indirectly makes them feel normal by shrouding them with a fog so you can keep going. You still feel terrible but the connection to the source gets muddled. It also makes you yearn for the good stuff all the more hungrily. It's a vicious cycle of self-perpetuating addiction and abuse.

I am at a point in my NC where I struggle to feel as betrayed and wronged by my ex and my ex friend as before and it leads me to have these heartbreaking feelings where the angry side of my mind doesn't catch up with the sad part of my mind. I might be reminded by the events or have them come to me as intrusive thoughts and it takes genuine effort for me to muster angry feelings about it. It's a bit difficult to describe but that's how it is: I don't feel vindicated in my anger because it's simply not there if not prompted. It also leads to ruminating very easily.

Like if my emotional process was like this before:

"That reminds me of my ex and my best friend who cheated on me. What a bunch of miserable cunts. They do deserve each other. I hope they burn out together."

This is how it is often nowadays:

"That reminds me of my ex and my best friend who cheated on me. God I miss having her to message and sleep next to. The good times were so nice. I remember taking the bus to see her. It was so lovely, the first couple of months..."

[cranmango]

I think one of the weirder and more counter-intuitive things your mind does is blocking the bad stuff out so you only remember the good things unless you really press it. I know it's the brain's self-defense mechanism but it does put you in a terrible spot. I think it's at the heart of toxic relationships: the bad things are so terrible your brain indirectly makes them feel normal by shrouding them with a fog so you can keep going. You still feel terrible but the connection to the source gets muddled. It also makes you yearn for the good stuff all the more hungrily. It's a vicious cycle of self-perpetuating addiction and abuse.

I hear you friend. I think there's a part of us that so badly wants the fantasy relationship to be true. It makes the good memories easier to recall because they fit the fantasy.

[Tupla Sport]

I hear you friend. I think there's a part of us that so badly wants the fantasy relationship to be true. It makes the good memories easier to recall because they fit the fantasy.

Yeah. It actually does feel to me like waiting for the next chapter. Yesterday evening I had a really tangible feeling of her going to contact me soon. It was weird. Part of me is not only wanting her to come back but is sure she will be. Though "gun to my head" I think she is not coming back.