What can I do? He's not taking care of himself and living in the garage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

About 3 weeks ago my partner broke up with me yet again.

This is nothing new and neither is the silent treatment. What is new is that he has decided to live on a couch in the garage instead of leave.

It's getting cold. I know he eats here and there (mostly sneaking in to microwave something when I'm asleep) and has showered maybe once during this time. But he's mostly just lying on that couch day in and out, smoking and looking at books or his phone.

I've called his sister, friends and the crisis line for advice. No real help there. I've sent periodic reminders that he can come eat and that I'm open to talk.But mostly just respected his wishes and left him alone.

What can I do? What should I do? Is this emotional terrorism or a cry for help?

I'm really lost.

[Dansemacabre1971]

About 3 weeks ago my partner broke up with me yet again.

This is nothing new and neither is the silent treatment. What is new is that he has decided to live on a couch in the garage instead of leave.

It's getting cold. I know he eats here and there (mostly sneaking in to microwave something when I'm asleep) and has showered maybe once during this time. But he's mostly just lying on that couch day in and out, smoking and looking at books or his phone.

I've called his sister, friends and the crisis line for advice. No real help there. I've sent periodic reminders that he can come eat and that I'm open to talk.But mostly just respected his wishes and left him alone.

What can I do? What should I do? Is this emotional terrorism or a cry for help?

I'm really lost.

[succinite]

About 3 weeks ago my partner broke up with me yet again.

This is nothing new and neither is the silent treatment. What is new is that he has decided to live on a couch in the garage instead of leave.

It's getting cold. I know he eats here and there (mostly sneaking in to microwave something when I'm asleep) and has showered maybe once during this time. But he's mostly just lying on that couch day in and out, smoking and looking at books or his phone.

I've called his sister, friends and the crisis line for advice. No real help there. I've sent periodic reminders that he can come eat and that I'm open to talk.But mostly just respected his wishes and left him alone.

What can I do? What should I do? Is this emotional terrorism or a cry for help?

I'm really lost.

The problem with borderline is that it's mostly both. A cry for help and terrorism.

Either way he's waiting for you to approach him. Although you're already doing that by telling him you're open to talk. The question is if you want that or if you have to betray your dignity in order to make him talk. You're really already doing a lot by not being stubborn and caring about him. He recognizes he can do it with you.
There isn't enough context to say more about it.

[Dansemacabre1971]

Thank you for the reply. I do appreciate it.

Sometimes I struggle when knowing what all to put in these. It's overwhelming and sad and even a little hard to believe when I see it written down

There's a lot to unpack, too. My most recent crime was that I was asking him to please slow down his drinking for the evening. He was lit by 7 and he snores really really loud and I had an early morning. I wasn't 100% nice about it, but I didn't tell, I was grumpy and a bit tired from a long day with the kids at a corn maze.

This is the cycle. Large and small. I never know more than two weeks peace at a time. I'm in a lease with him and cosigner on a vehicle for him so I need to get pthose things past He makes terrific money but is really bad with it and has been on sabbatical from work since August. He's a construction worker so layoffs happen but he's not trying hard this time around and though he's getting unemployment, it's not as much as usual.

So there's a lot at play. I think I triggered his guilt and shame and he ran away but like a little kid hiding in the back yard he's looking pitiful but not wanting to really get out. And I think he knows in his heart I've had enough, and I have. If I could move now, I would.

Still, I don't want to be cruel. There actually is a good guy in there. I truly believe it. I digress. What I really want is him to talk and we can form a civil plan for splitting, but first I ned to know he's not passively killing himself but only playing possum. Thanks for listening to this ramble. 

[PearlsBefore]

That's a really difficult situation in which you find yourself, certainly. I mean it's easy to say it's an emotionally immature response...but again, the context is somewhat lacking. His current "plan" sounds more like one borne out of an addiction-addled insecure mind (smoking is tobacco or other?), but not necessarily BPD. Has he been diagnosed or is it possible he has something else wrong with him? (I mean, obviously he's got something wrong in the wiring in regards to handling relationships at least). Having young children together definitely complicates things and may prevent solutions otherwise viable - how are they processing his time out there? I had a schizophrenic relative with children who went through a couple of bouts of "depression" where he acted similarly strange, so I'm just curious.

One good shoe in the door might just be to feign a multi-day interest in the books he's reading out there, stroke his ego a bit and pull him out of what we'll politely call his "funk" by asking him to explain the Federal Reserve or leatherback tortoises or the whoremaidens of Ipsiliad Centauri or whatever. He'll feel valued, and might start reciprocating and valuing you as a human contact again, etc.

[succinite]

There's a lot to unpack, too. My most recent crime was that I was asking him to please slow down his drinking for the evening. He was lit by 7 and he snores really really loud and I had an early morning. I wasn't 100% nice about it, but I didn't tell, I was grumpy and a bit tired from a long day with the kids at a corn maze.

Excuse me if I say it so directly, but from these lines I personally read how impaired in your assessment  you are by him. Codependency par excellence. I say that because I was in a relationship with a BPD alcohol and drug addict myself.
In my opinion you don't have to be nice when your partner gets tanked up on a regular evening together. Of course, one should always remain respectful, also with addicted people but it's ok to have an opinion.
Objectively, he screwed up and is now punishing you with disrespect. And in the end you feel responsible for his misbehaviour. He terrorizes you with nonverbal accusations and guilt if you don't accept his misbehavior.
Even if he pulls himself together this time, more disrespect will follow.

[kells76]

Hi Dansemacabre1971, welcome to the group  

You're definitely with people who are working through similar questions as yours:

I've called his sister, friends and the crisis line for advice. No real help there. I've sent periodic reminders that he can come eat and that I'm open to talk.But mostly just respected his wishes and left him alone.

What can I do? What should I do? Is this emotional terrorism or a cry for help?

I'm curious, how would you have approached this in the past? Do you tend towards feeling that it's your job to help him?

BPD has many facets. One that comes to mind here is that pwBPD often use low-skill or immature approaches to try to get needs met, as their needs (especially emotional needs) often seem to be unending and unfulfillable.

One way to look at this situation is that a mature person might say with words "You know, I'm having a hard time, and I'm going to take some space for myself. It's nothing to do with you, I'm just going to spend time alone to get grounded again. I'll text you in the evenings to let you know how I'm doing." I.e., the mature person can get needs met by self soothing.

Your partner doesn't seem to have that kind of skill level. Perhaps he is trying to communicate the same thing, and the way he is doing it is by pouting, sulking, huffing off, silent treatment, "I can do what I want, you can't make me", and passive bids for others to take responsibility for him. He doesn't have mature skills and may want others to soothe his feelings, and also can't communicate very directly.

Just some impressions.

So, if that's the case, I think you're on the right track to "believe what he is communicating", leave him alone, and not try to solve his problems for him.

As he is an adult, it's unlikely he will starve to death, or forget that he can talk through things. What if you gave yourself a break from doing those things for him, and focused on how the kids (and you) were doing? He may be on his own timeline, versus anyone else's, for "snapping out of it" and in a weird way, "believing what he's telling you" that he doesn't want to interact, can help him self soothe and learn to manage himself.

...

The drinking is an issue, and lots of members here have partners where alcohol is a major issue.

Have you checked out any Alanon type groups yet?

Lots to talk about re: alcohol, but we can start there.

Keep us posted with how the last few days have been for you, whenever works for you;

kells76