Hi so this is my second post

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’m having a hard time not ruminating on my ex bpd partner. I’m really depressed it’s almost been a month and it’s obvious she’s not coming back we spoke a couple times but only when she felt like she was scared because her brain is “blank” and “in a indecisive stage whether she wants me or not” she says she still loved me. But when I proceed to tell her I’m going on a date “are you sure you want to still go through with this break up?” And she blocks me. At this point I don’t even think she wants to get back together I’m starting to believe she found new supply and is keeping me on the back burner for if it doesn’t work out.
So she keeps unblocking me and then blocking me.

I mean she self sabotaged everything man. When she threw me out she packed all the self help books we got her even the ones she bought. She keeps saying that she needs time and she needs to know what the pshychiatrist is going to say whether bpd is treatable or not. But here’s the thing she’s been saying that for a month now I don’t think she’s getting help and I think her family who is so emotionally and mentally abusive is telling her she doesn’t need to go when the pshychiatrist highly suggested that she needed to get evaluated.

I’m painted as the scape goat by her and her family. And I can’t stop beating myself up over it. Like I’m so depressed man. I keep thinking about what I couldve done differently or what I should’ve done.

Hell my bpd ex said she “felt smothered” by me but she had all the space in the world. I just got mad because every day she wanted to go to her moms and I would practically have to beg her to come home. She distanced herself from me. She even took a trip to Oklahoma. Hell at one point in our relationship I caught her talking to her ex asking him if we broke up would he get back with her. Then when we fight she takes a trip to Oklahoma out of nowhere. And then two weeks later that’s when she breaks up with me. Throws out our pictures like I’m a piece of garbage etc. I’m still in shock I don’t know how to move on man I love her but what’s really the point of being with someone who isn’t loyal , doesn’t set boundaries with her family , someone not stable, someone who doesn’t ever solve conflict amongst the two of us?

[Lightning270]

I’m having a hard time not ruminating on my ex bpd partner. I’m really depressed it’s almost been a month and it’s obvious she’s not coming back we spoke a couple times but only when she felt like she was scared because her brain is “blank” and “in a indecisive stage whether she wants me or not” she says she still loved me. But when I proceed to tell her I’m going on a date “are you sure you want to still go through with this break up?” And she blocks me. At this point I don’t even think she wants to get back together I’m starting to believe she found new supply and is keeping me on the back burner for if it doesn’t work out.
So she keeps unblocking me and then blocking me.

I mean she self sabotaged everything man. When she threw me out she packed all the self help books we got her even the ones she bought. She keeps saying that she needs time and she needs to know what the pshychiatrist is going to say whether bpd is treatable or not. But here’s the thing she’s been saying that for a month now I don’t think she’s getting help and I think her family who is so emotionally and mentally abusive is telling her she doesn’t need to go when the pshychiatrist highly suggested that she needed to get evaluated.

I’m painted as the scape goat by her and her family. And I can’t stop beating myself up over it. Like I’m so depressed man. I keep thinking about what I couldve done differently or what I should’ve done.

Hell my bpd ex said she “felt smothered” by me but she had all the space in the world. I just got mad because every day she wanted to go to her moms and I would practically have to beg her to come home. She distanced herself from me. She even took a trip to Oklahoma. Hell at one point in our relationship I caught her talking to her ex asking him if we broke up would he get back with her. Then when we fight she takes a trip to Oklahoma out of nowhere. And then two weeks later that’s when she breaks up with me. Throws out our pictures like I’m a piece of garbage etc. I’m still in shock I don’t know how to move on man I love her but what’s really the point of being with someone who isn’t loyal , doesn’t set boundaries with her family , someone not stable, someone who doesn’t ever solve conflict amongst the two of us?

[imstillhere89]

Hi Lightning270,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. My situation was different so I don't really know what to tell you. The only advice from me (after reading 100s of stories on this forum + my own experience with uBPDx) is that you have to look after yourself first. I know this is hard. I know it's hard to let go of someone we love (especially hard to let go of BPD partner) but sometimes this is the only "good" thing we can do. Sometimes even the perspective of them getting better (therapy) doesn't help much as there is so much damage done already in the past that we just simply don't trust them. Even tho I still miss my ex like hell and I know he left still loving me, I'm not sure if I would take him back even if he would contact me saying "I know what's wrong with me and I will do everything to fix it"...because I would always sit on a ticking bomb waiting for him to leave again. I would never have this peace of mind that we can live like a normal, stable couple. I would constantly wait for him to rage. I couldn't keep that away from my mind. I know that as this is what's been happening in our r/s. Even when we had a good time I was constantly thinking "when is this all gonna crash again".

Throws out our pictures like I’m a piece of garbage etc. I’m still in shock I don’t know how to move on man I love her but what’s really the point of being with someone who isn’t loyal , doesn’t set boundaries with her family , someone not stable, someone who doesn’t ever solve conflict amongst the two of us?

This is it.
I remember in the early days of our r/s, after one fight, my ex left me and when he came back I have realised he doesn't have a necklace I bought for him (actually for us, it was a matching necklace). He admitted that when he was so angry at me (he started the fight and there was no reason to be angry at me) he thrown the necklace out of the car window on the motorway. It was so painful to me...
He would move out not wanting to take gifts he got from me, but always wanted me to keep his gifts. By the end of our r/s everytime we were fighting and breaking up I was the one getting rid of his pictures.. I became partly like him...and I hate myself for that.
Maybe you should consider getting out of it before you become like she is...

Blocking and unblocking was quite common in our r/s. And same, he used to do that for around first half of our r/s and then I started to do that too. But my reason for doing this was to let myself have some peace when he was raging. At least I didn't have to read to 50 messages/minute saying mostly "you are the monster!", "how can you treat me this way?", "you sl*t!", "you w***e!", "you piece of s**t" etc...

I was waiting to be ready to leave this r/s. And I was more ready then months before the final discard. But still..it's hard and it will be hard for a very long time.

Try to focus on yourself for some time. It won't be easy but at least try.

[Lightning270]

Hi Lightning270,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. My situation was different so I don't really know what to tell you. The only advice from me (after reading 100s of stories on this forum + my own experience with uBPDx) is that you have to look after yourself first. I know this is hard. I know it's hard to let go of someone we love (especially hard to let go of BPD partner) but sometimes this is the only "good" thing we can do. Sometimes even the perspective of them getting better (therapy) doesn't help much as there is so much damage done already in the past that we just simply don't trust them. Even tho I still miss my ex like hell and I know he left still loving me, I'm not sure if I would take him back even if he would contact me saying "I know what's wrong with me and I will do everything to fix it"...because I would always sit on a ticking bomb waiting for him to leave again. I would never have this peace of mind that we can live like a normal, stable couple. I would constantly wait for him to rage. I couldn't keep that away from my mind. I know that as this is what's been happening in our r/s. Even when we had a good time I was constantly thinking "when is this all gonna crash again".

Throws out our pictures like I’m a piece of garbage etc. I’m still in shock I don’t know how to move on man I love her but what’s really the point of being with someone who isn’t loyal , doesn’t set boundaries with her family , someone not stable, someone who doesn’t ever solve conflict amongst the two of us?

This is it.
I remember in the early days of our r/s, after one fight, my ex left me and when he came back I have realised he doesn't have a necklace I bought for him (actually for us, it was a matching necklace). He admitted that when he was so angry at me (he started the fight and there was no reason to be angry at me) he thrown the necklace out of the car window on the motorway. It was so painful to me...
He would move out not wanting to take gifts he got from me, but always wanted me to keep his gifts. By the end of our r/s everytime we were fighting and breaking up I was the one getting rid of his pictures.. I became partly like him...and I hate myself for that.
Maybe you should consider getting out of it before you become like she is...

Blocking and unblocking was quite common in our r/s. And same, he used to do that for around first half of our r/s and then I started to do that too. But my reason for doing this was to let myself have some peace when he was raging. At least I didn't have to read to 50 messages/minute saying mostly "you are the monster!", "how can you treat me this way?", "you sl*t!", "you w***e!", "you piece of s**t" etc...

I was waiting to be ready to leave this r/s. And I was more ready then months before the final discard. But still..it's hard and it will be hard for a very long time.

Try to focus on yourself for some time. It won't be easy but at least try.

Hell that sounds a lot how my M was. Im so sorry you had to go through that. What hurt me the most about M is when she took away all the gifts she got me and wouldn’t give me my stuff back. It’s sickening she wants power and control over me that’s how I know she will be back because she has my stuff she’s doing this so I don’t abandon her while she goes out and PLEASE READs everyone else. I’m shook. It’s like she put on this whole facade for the majority of the relationship, love bombed me and towards the end she showed who she truly was.. I loved that girl with all my heart I still do. But your right I have to let go. I don’t deserve the abuse especially since she’s not trying to get better.

She self sabotaged everything she gave the self help books back to me even the ones she bought it’s like she wants to be stuck this way because her family wants her like that so they can control her. Her family denies there’s anything wrong with her and they use me as the scape goat that’s how enmeshed her family truly is and it’s sad. They’re so evil. They’re wealthy and they treat everyone that’s in the lower class like myself PLEASE READty. Even though I’m young and I’m still working on my dreams they still treated me like I was lower than them like PLEASE READ you can’t expect me to be rich right away that’s not how life works. As wealthy people they should realize that.


But the point of the matter is. M’s probably never going to get better not for a few years she’s going to keep doing this to guys. She’s going to keep hurting people. I tried to save her I tried everything in my power to help her but she’s just not going to do it. It sucks i love her I’ll probably always love her. She was my fiancé. But she’s got a long road to recovery especially with how abusive her family is. It’s a shame.

I just can’t believe how she painted me as this evil person when I was the one that helped her manage her mood swings, I was the one that held her and told everything was going to be okay whenever she was crying belligerently, I was the one that massaged her and her illestomy aka PLEASE READ bag. I was there through sickness and all. And she throws me out like I’m trash. She wasn’t the person she presented herself to be.

Hell she told her family all our issues and she just sat there and let her family verbally and mentally abuse me. She never stood up for me and I stayed because I loved her, I knew they were going to break us up at one point. Hell they told me to move out of her apartment when all that went down and she did nothing. She’s like a minion to her family . It’s a PLEASE READing disgrace. But yet I’m “controlling” . I was the one who wanted her to get better. I was the one that was trying to get her the mental help she desperately needed but I’m the bad guy? PLEASE READing bullPLEASE READ. I loved that girl I did everything I PLEASE READing could for her. I took care of her man more than I took care of myself. I put in all 100% effort but I wasn’t getting anything back. It’s sad. She is unable to love man she will probably never ever be able to love as long as her mom keeps control of her. And as long as she’s I’ll. She shows no remorse or empathy. That’s the two biggest characteristics to being a human being.

 Like PLEASE READ I cry man I cry all the time sometimes because M’s never going to be able to be human. It’s so sad to see how lonely she feels man. No one should love feeling empty and having the emotions of an 8 year old. No one deserves that

[imstillhere89]

Yes she probably suffers...and many other people suffer from either BPD or other stuff. But you suffer too now.
Probably she isn't ready to get help yet. Maybe she never will be. This is not your responsibility. You have tried hard. At least you will always feel like you did all you could to help her. Nobody will ever take this away from you. But now it's the time to look after yourself. She was your priority for a long time. Now you have to be your priority.

We have all been thru so much because of BPD partners. But I believe that what we gained is realisation that we have to look after our own selves, after our bodies and minds. Nobody else will ever do that for us. And same goes to pwBPD. The only people that can help them are professionals.