Emotional Rollercoaster with Sister

[2faded]

Hello there.
I’ve recently found this site in the midst of a hurricane and may I say that it already has been a tremendous source of comfort.

At the start of the year with what should have been a happy time for our family, (my wedding and my brother’s wedding were only a month apart) turned into a time I prefer not to remember.
My sister’s mental health has been at the worst it’s ever been and my father who’s had kidney issues for nearly his whole life had to start diaylsis.
I’m the middle child of four. I have an older brother (38) who is married and lives in another state. My sister is 35, me at 32 and my brother, the baby of the family is 31.

For as long as I can remember I’ve noticed how she was different.
She’s only recently been diagnosed with BPD after a bout of bad psychiatrist visits but isn’t consistent with treatment. She’s also very dependant on alcohol which makes matters worse.

She was the scapegoat in our family and undortunately did suffer from physical abuse growing up.
We used to be close as kids but as we got into highschool and university we drifted apart. I would notice how she treated friends and family (myself included) when she didn’t get her way. She would turn so volatile and like most have mentioned on this site, either love you completely or hate your guts. Her outbursts would last for a few days and then she’d pretend like nothing happened.
There are alot of memories I’ve blocked from my childhood that I’m now uncovering in therapy.
I remember whenever she’d want me to do something and I didn’t want to do it, she would bully me into it by closing and standing in front of our bedroom door and threaten to hit me until I did it. I even remember her holding a baseball bat at one point and taking swings at stuff laying around when I took too long to fullfill her requests. She would ignore me for days on end because I talked to someone she didn’t like. Whenever we had a fight, it was always my fault.

She lives with my parents, who are an hour away from me and hasn’t been able to hold a job, she has gained a lot of weight in a short time and is very isolated with little social life.
I’ve been trying to patch things up with her because me trying to be the rescuer, I thought maybe she’s the way that she is because I wasn’t being a good sister to her.
We were doing alright but for some reason I couldn’t shake the feeling of whenever I saw a text or call from her I would get so tense. It felt forced and like I had to think carefully about what I said and if I didn’t answer right away she’d get paranoid.

A couple of months ago, her bedroom caught fire (we still don’t know if it was deliberate or not) and burned everything but thankfully was contained to only that room. At the time she was having a psychotic break.
A few days ago, I had gone with my husband to visit my father in the hospital (he fell down on a curb and injured his knee) at the spur of the moment. It would be a quick trip. My mother was there and she casually texts my sister who is at home that we came by. Later that night I get a string of messages of her freaking out because I came without telling her and that she’s done with the family. I simply replied back and not thinking i’d get the reaction I got, she went berserk. I decided not further engage with her once she lost it.
The next couple of days no contact then out of the blue one night I get 12 missed calls from her at 3 am followed by messages of her saying “i’m calling you. If you love me, show me” and “fine don’t answer, i’m leaving and you’ll never see me again”
I took my time to process it and replied back saying for her to repsect that I needed space. The message shows it’s been delivered but not read so I’m assuming she’s blocked me.

Of course I feel guilty at times and maybe she’s right but I can’t help but feel relief. Relief of not having to walk on eggshells. Relief of finally putting my foot down and setting boundaries.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be on talking terms again but I do hope she eventually gets the help that she needs.

Sorry for the long rant, I just wanted to share a part of my struggles in the hopes that someone can relate to as well and find some support.

God bless.

[khibomsis]

Hi, 2faded, and welcome to the family! I am sorry for the reasons you find yourself here, but glad you found us. I too found myself safe here, it is a nice spot full of friendly people and I have seen tremendous healing happening on these boards.
It is great that you are in therapy already. It sounds to me like you had an abusive childhood and for that you need professional help. The more so if you are newly married - congratulations! Therapy will help you untangle your PTSD and leave you more emotional space to feel happy in your marriage. And that is your priority at the moment, not your abusive sister whom, thankfully, it looks like you escaped.
 
For now, it sounds like you are OK. She doesn't want any contact with you, then leave it be until she contacts you. You reacted well to the abusive messages, indeed you did right to enact a boundary and make it clear that you were not available to be abused. Leave well enough alone. I hear you are not up to telling the full story of the weddings, but it sounds to me like she is jealous and is acting out. Plus she is used to using you as an emotional punching bag.  When she does contact you, you can come to us to advise how to proceed. In the meantime focus on yourself and take care of you.
 
Untreated BPD combined with substance abuse almost never goes well. She has to overcome the substance abuse before she can even get to the BPD and it is a long road. You might also look to joining AlAnon who provide support systems for families, so that you can grapple with how to deal with her alcoholism.
Keep posting, it helps to share. Many hands make light emotional work