Help with Borderline Splitting

[Pook075]

I had never researched this term before today, and I'm shocked since it describes exactly what just happened in our 24 year marriage.  My wife was really down, left after one conversation, and now sees me as 100% bad.

Our doctor said that this was classic BPD and that my wife will return.  My wife hasn't seen a counselor though and hasn't gone back to the doctor for a follow-up or diagnosis (since she thinks there's nothing wrong).  

For the first month, I was loving and supportive, and my wife said that I did everything right.  In the 2nd month, I found out she was fantasizing about someone, and I told her parents about it to prevent it from happening.  It was someone in her church and the fallout would have been catastrophic for our entire family, so I believe I did the right thing.  She does not trust me at all anymore though.

For the last few weeks (weeks 9-11 since she left), I was still loving and supportive, and that's when I got on this forum to educate myself.  My wife has had almost zero contact with me though because she believes she can't trust me.  She has reached out a few times over bills, but that's it.

This Friday will make 11 weeks, and I'm leaving on a cruise with a lifelong friend the day after (it was supposed to be my wife and I).  And I'm wondering- will that bother her enough to possibly see our relationship differently?  The week after is Thanksgiving as well and I'm thinking that could also be a factor in her mindset shifting.

My main question here is about BPD splitting though- does it ever reverse without treatment or therapy?  Could my doctor be right that my wife will eventually try to reconcile?  That's where I could use some guidance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arjay]

My relationship was back-and-forth with the leaving/returning/reconciliation/rinse/repeat.

I was told doing counseling that generally, without help, the extremes in behavior will likely not change.  They "can" learn tools to help them better cope and we as the partner "can" learn to quit making things worse.  Getting our partner to "accept" they need help is something else.  For "us", learning all we can about this disorder may prevent things from getting worse, by being better able to communicate/validate/defuse/etc.

It doesn't "seem" to be unusual for them to leave (and lose contact), only to return when things don't work out; when their reason for leaving doesn't result in what they may have expected.  That was my experience and seems to have been that of some here as well.  As you are talking about a 24 year-marriage however, I cannot say my experiences relate (my relationship was 7 years)

All the best

[SaltyDawg]

19-1/2 year marriage, 22 years together here.

Make sure that you understand what 'Splitting' is; it is a heightened emotional state that last from a few minutes to a few hours for me [and I read can last up to a few days for others] where everything, no matter what you say or do, no matter how positive it is, is interpreted in a negative light - definite black/white thinking, or good/evil or, all/nothing type thinking.  This can range from an irrational conversation at a normal tone of voice to a full blown uncontrolled rage - that is how I experience it.

However, with 'splitting,' the emotions that are remembered [almost always negative ones] does contribute to the devaluation/discard phase of a relationship [both with non-NPD and NPD] which is what I think you are talking about which your pwBPD which is typically much longer in period than the narcissistic version of the same thing.

Everyone's timeframe for this is different, as BPD and NPD are closely related cluster "B" disorders and can range anywhere from 2 days to 3 decades.  Everyone has narcissistic qualities [often at healthy levels], but not everyone who is BPD is NPD.  That said, my personal theory [based on observation here and other sources] on this is that if they don't have diagnosable NPD but healthy levels of such traits, this cycle is very long, and if they do have NPD, then it is much shorter [personally observed in uBPD/NPDxgf who cheated on me twice, and I discarded her the 2nd time] than in my current uBPDw as indicated below.   

The lovebombing - devalue - discard - [& occasionally] h-o-o-v-e-r-i-n-g [this may or may not occur if they don't find someone to replace you].

For me this is what has happened with this cycle [different for everyone, from literature it can last anywhere from 2 days to 30 years]:

Lovebombing - first 5 years  [one is 'idolized' - mine was characterized by gifts and hypersexualization which emotionally blinded me until it was too late]
Devaluation - years 5 to 21  [one is 'villainized' - no matter what I did, I could not please her.  Abuse ramped up against me, and has fallen out of 'love' just as quickly as she did fall in love -- this phase occurred for me abruptly when she went from being  hypersexualized from seducing me 7 times per week, to being hyposexualized with her seducing me 7 times in a decade as soon as she realized she was pregnant with our first child - No Bull $h|t, >500x difference in frequency]
Discard - present day [about to happen, but not there yet, I am being stonewalled on everything, and treats me indifferently, but professes otherwise, the abuse becomes increasingly harsh as she is trying to make me the 'bad guy' and forces me to leave, or she eventually leaves]
H-o-o-v-e-r-i-n-g - may or may not occur, in my case I don't think it will, as she cares more about our children [who are being emotionally targeted damaged] than me and will likely become the new narcissistic [borderline] supply for her.

[BPDEnjoyer]

Lovebombing - first 5 years  [one is 'idolized' - mine was characterized by gifts and hypersexualization which emotionally blinded me until it was too late]
Devaluation - years 5 to 21  [one is 'villainized' - no matter what I did, I could not please her.  Abuse ramped up against me, and has fallen out of 'love' just as quickly as she did fall in love -- this phase occurred for me abruptly when she went from being  hypersexualized from seducing me 7 times per week, to being hyposexualized with her seducing me 7 times in a decade as soon as she realized she was pregnant with our first child - No Bull $h|t, >500x difference in frequency]
Discard - present day [about to happen, but not there yet, I am being stonewalled on everything, and treats me indifferently, but professes otherwise, the abuse becomes increasingly harsh as she is trying to make me the 'bad guy' and forces me to leave, or she eventually leaves]
H-o-o-v-e-r-i-n-g - may or may not occur, in my case I don't think it will, as she cares more about our children [who are being emotionally targeted damaged] than me and will likely become the new narcissistic [borderline] supply for her.

Wow, how are you able to get a bpd to idealized you for a full 5 years.  That's amazing.  So when she got pregnant, her mood change like a flip of a switch on you?  That must have been hard to understand.  From then on, nothing you do is right anymore?

[BPDEnjoyer]

My main question here is about BPD splitting though- does it ever reverse without treatment or therapy?  Could my doctor be right that my wife will eventually try to reconcile?  That's where I could use some guidance.

Your wife will only try to reconcile if her pursuit of the new relationship does not work out.  As for the splitting, after 24 years, there is too much NSO for it to reverse, unfortunately.  The splitting is part of her personality and at this point in her life, there's very little introspection for her to take action on anything.

[SaltyDawg]

Wow, how are you able to get a bpd to idealized you for a full 5 years.  That's amazing.  So when she got pregnant, her mood change like a flip of a switch on you?  That must have been hard to understand.  From then on, nothing you do is right anymore?

SHORT ANSWERS:  

• FEAR OF ABANDONMENT
• Yes, it flipped like a switch -- the only thing that I can even take a remote guess on, and I have only come up with this theory only a few months, is that she probably has some sort of 'daddy issues' where I was viewed as her 'lover' prior to becoming pregnant and as soon as she became pregnant I instantly became her 'baby daddy' and that is when it flipped from too much to almost non-existant.  And, yes, it is an issue to this day, that I still find it hard to understand.
• Not quite, for the exception of the 'sex' part it was a gradual process.  Prior to marriage, I could do no wrong.  After marriage, it occasionally flipped where I was evil (<1%), but mostly good (>99%).  After becoming pregnant, it was 'average' except for sex which was almost non-existent.  However, with my negative responses to her splitting [which I didn't realize was subconscious in nature] and immense amount of negativity was generated when I would reactively abuse her back (yelling and invalidating with stonewalling) to her excessive amount of emotional abuse slowly brought it to a majority negative view of me which [hopefully] bottomed out earlier this week -- my wife and couple's therapist identified a significant character flaw in me, 'needling' and it is being addressed -- too early to tell if addressing this will be effective; however, the start is promising.  Currently the evil view of me is around 25% [an intolerable level], but that dominates the 75% good

I can give you a longer explanation on the 'fear of abandonment' part; however, for the moment, the other issues are just too disturbing for me to think about.

[LifewithEase]

Discard - present day [about to happen, but not there yet, I am being stonewalled on everything, and treats me indifferently, but professes otherwise, the abuse becomes increasingly harsh as she is trying to make me the 'bad guy' and forces me to leave, or she eventually leaves]

Interesting on a few points:

- Flipped Switch: After my uBPDw's life threatening birth of our first child, she changed dramatically and radically. Like a switch flipped.

I never understood it but now, based on my research & education, big life moments can be a macro-trigger. The pandemic no doubt exacerbated the BPD. I've read stories here about moving abroad, starting graduate programs, deaths in the family...

- Smoking Me Out: I want to learn more about this Discord concept... my uBPDw tries to make my life so miserable sometimes. "she is trying to make me the 'bad guy' and forc[ing] me to leave" I've talked to my T about how it feels, like she is trying to smoke me out, wait me out, she is so miserable her hope is it will make me do the hardest work of ending the marriage.

What I've learned is that her misery isn't mine to own. Boundaries have made it easier to realize that when she is doing it... it is her emotional dysregulation.