Text from ex

[Woolspinner2000]

I don't hear from my ex too much, usually only when there's a need because of a few loose ends with things related to our kids or the divorce. Yesterday this was a text following up about getting our S28 life insurance policy out of ex's name and into our son's. My preference and the best thing to do is not try to fix what needs to be between the 2 of them.

He followed up those details with this:

"Also, I never really did tell you how sorry I was that you left and we didn't make it. Too little too late I know."

Rather than crack any door open, I only responded to the life ins. info and ended with, "thank you for letting me know that."

I had mixed feelings initially.  First I was sad that it took so long to get anything resembling an apology after going through that process which is so painful as we all know. We've been D for 2 1/2 years. (It took my dad about 20 years to apologize to my uBPD for his actions. He was very physically abusive.)

Then I thought it really wasn't an apology for his actions. It is remorse for what he lost. No acknowledgement/owning of his stuff.

His followup text was a depressed one about how our son "has so little regard for him..." and I recognized the pattern of depression, and I didn't respond to pull him up as I did for 35 years of marriage. I just again went back to the life insurance issue and said I was leaving it between the two of them, and perhaps S28 would take care of it soon.

Not engaging and taking any bait.

Just needed to share. You guys know how it is.

Thanks,
Woolsie

[I Am Redeemed]

"Sorry that you left and that we didn't make it".

Yeah, there's no "I" in any of that. Not a real apology.

Good for you for recognizing the difference in taking accountability and feeling sorry for himself.

You did well not taking the bait and rushing to fix his feelings.

[SinisterComplex]

I am damn proud of you Woolsie. In comparison to where you are now to where you were you have come a long way my dear. You did exactly as you should...you remained firm and indifferent. Even if you may have felt differently inside you were able to soldier on.

Big Hug. 

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you, IAR and SC.

I have definitely come a long way and am thankful that I could see his text for what it was. I imagine my ex has no real concept of what a true apology is, and that's okay. Not going to try and change that anymore. Radical acceptance has me accepting who he is and maintaining my boundaries from a place of that understanding. The most important thing for me is to stay physically and emotionally safe. NC or next to NC is still the best plan for me to maintain.

Thanks for the kind words and hugs.
 
Woolsie

[Turkish]

Good BIFF response. At least it was something.

IAR pointed out what I didn't see,  that is kind of a back-handed, self centered apology. I got a few of those myself and thought, "she's still making it about her!"

"I never should have left you!" Or like the Christmas card 5 or 6 years ago... "I'm sorry that I was too selfish to share in your happiness."

Emotionally limited, inner-focsed.

Yet even 1 is more than 0.

She recently took me to breakfast for my birthday. The card reader went down. I had to pull cash from a nearby ATM to pay for all of us. My credit union waves fees; hers doesn't.

8 years out, the kids still ask questions. D10 brought it up. Their mom said that she and I decided it was better to be apart. No, that wasn't it. I didn't challenge it in front of the kids.

I know your kids are adults, but i can imagine it's tough compartmentalizing things from them.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Turkish,

I've been thinking about your response these past few days. Some good food for thought in there.

Emotionally limited, inner-focused.

This is a great observation that brings to the surface the underlying issues with really anyone who tends toward N or BPD. It helps to remember that, and it brings understanding and clarity to what my ex texted.

Yet even 1 is more than 0.

True. It does help that he even said anything to indicate remorse. I truly think he is unable to grasp what ownership is. After all, with being emotionally limited, he either lacks the ability or chooses to not take responsibility. It's not worth the emotional energy to figure out which it is. Radical acceptance is the better route to go. I can be thankful for what he did offer.

I know your kids are adults, but I can imagine it's tough compartmentalizing things from them.

This is very true. There are things I'd like to say but don't. I have this inner hesitation to share what would be best to not share. I remember my uBPDm sharing about my dad after their D, trying to convince me towards her way, and it just made me feel more defensive towards my dad and he certainly wasn't a Saint. Given that history, I keep quiet and try to hear what my kids have to say and are feeling, supporting them in their journey and not focusing on my journey. Keeping it factual if they opt to ask questions, and not entering into my feelings or expounding on them. That was good advice from my marriage T. "Don't go down the guilt road," he said.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 

 
Wools