Confused conflicted and hurt

[Depression = 72% of members]

I would like some advice on how to have a healthy relationship with my younger sister who has most of the bpd symptoms. I am 40 and she's 33. We were both physically abused and neglected as children by our parents. We have been best friends now for a long time and I have tried to support her financially and emotionally. She has lived with me for a few years, I paid for groceries, rent, holidays, clothes when we go out etc. She now lives by herself but I still take care of everything when we're together. I love her with all my heart and would do anything for her happiness. She is smart sweet compassionate and funny

What hurts me most is her explosive anger. It could be about the most mundane thing, she starts raising her voice and shouts the most hurtful comments. Also that I don't respect her and I'm abusive. When I try to explain I would never hurt her and in my mind it's an innocent comment she gets more enraged and storms off. After that it's the silent treatment and I have to approach her whenever she cooled off. If I want to talk about the incidents she shuts me down and says it's all good and she moved on. The happy loving interaction will slowly build up again and go to normal and calm. After a while an explosion and the cycle starts again.

She wanted to go on holiday together and I said yes but we need to discuss how to avoid triggers and explosion. This is the first time ever in 20years since our close friendship I said something because I cannot take it anymore. She was in shock and didn't understand why I would say something like that to her. All family and friends fight and move on. It's not a big deal and if I wouldn't disrespect her all the time she wouldn't get upset. Needless to say she canceled the holiday plans. And went to silent mode.

I love my sister and feel a huge responsibility since our parents still abuse us not physically but with constant insults. I want to support her. She doesn't have any friends or relationship. When I put boundaries she falls back on toxic ex boyfriends who have abused her in the past. So I also feel kind of emotionally blackmailed. I do have therapy for myself but she thinks she doesn't need it.


Can anyone share some coping tools?

[Semantha]

I would like some advice on how to have a healthy relationship with my younger sister who has most of the bpd symptoms. I am 40 and she's 33. We were both physically abused and neglected as children by our parents. We have been best friends now for a long time and I have tried to support her financially and emotionally. She has lived with me for a few years, I paid for groceries, rent, holidays, clothes when we go out etc. She now lives by herself but I still take care of everything when we're together. I love her with all my heart and would do anything for her happiness. She is smart sweet compassionate and funny

What hurts me most is her explosive anger. It could be about the most mundane thing, she starts raising her voice and shouts the most hurtful comments. Also that I don't respect her and I'm abusive. When I try to explain I would never hurt her and in my mind it's an innocent comment she gets more enraged and storms off. After that it's the silent treatment and I have to approach her whenever she cooled off. If I want to talk about the incidents she shuts me down and says it's all good and she moved on. The happy loving interaction will slowly build up again and go to normal and calm. After a while an explosion and the cycle starts again.

She wanted to go on holiday together and I said yes but we need to discuss how to avoid triggers and explosion. This is the first time ever in 20years since our close friendship I said something because I cannot take it anymore. She was in shock and didn't understand why I would say something like that to her. All family and friends fight and move on. It's not a big deal and if I wouldn't disrespect her all the time she wouldn't get upset. Needless to say she canceled the holiday plans. And went to silent mode.

I love my sister and feel a huge responsibility since our parents still abuse us not physically but with constant insults. I want to support her. She doesn't have any friends or relationship. When I put boundaries she falls back on toxic ex boyfriends who have abused her in the past. So I also feel kind of emotionally blackmailed. I do have therapy for myself but she thinks she doesn't need it.


Can anyone share some coping tools?

[Riv3rW0lf]

She wanted to go on holiday together and I said yes but we need to discuss how to avoid triggers and explosion. This is the first time ever in 20years since our close friendship I said something because I cannot take it anymore. She was in shock and didn't understand why I would say something like that to her. All family and friends fight and move on. It's not a big deal and if I wouldn't disrespect her all the time she wouldn't get upset. Needless to say she canceled the holiday plans. And went to silent mode.

Can anyone share some coping tools?

Hi Semantha,

Yes, that is also how my mom handles fights and boundaries : "That's how we are in our family ! We say what we think and we love each other !" Following severe abuse, silent treatments and shouting... I was trained to accept abuse as something that was just part of life... But it isn't. Some people, some families, are simply safer than others...

So I think you do well to stand up for yourself. Enabling her abuse of you will not help you, nor her, in the long run. She needs to learn there are consequences in treating people poorly... For some BPD, this might lead to change and therapy i.e., when they lose the people they care the most for, for others, and you need to be ready for that, it just leads to loneliness, as they end up rejecting everyone and refusing to acknowledge their part in what is wrong with the relationship.

How to cope?

Radical acceptance. You have no power on her, only on yourself. Without therapy, it is unlikely she will change, and even with therapy it will take a lot of effort and time, so she needs to be on board with it: and you cannot make her.

Boundaries. To manage yourself and deal with the FOG (fear-obligation-guilt) that BPD abuse tend to develop in others.

As the eldest, you probably feel like you are responsible for her... This is the first "misconception" you have to let go of...you are not. She is an adult, same as you.

As to how to be in good terms with her? Keeping your emotional guard up come to mind... Not validating the invalid. Empathizing with her, without accepting blame... It is a fine line to walk, but I saw many here who could walk it.

Many tools are available in the Tools and Workshops board. It is a good place to start.  

[Semantha]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts experience and advice. It feels like a brick stone is lifted from my chest knowing I'm not completely insane or overreacting. I will start practicing the radical acceptance as this one seems the toughest but also the most fundamental starting point in the healing process. Beaming you love and light 

[Riv3rW0lf]

I am glad I could help

[pursuingJoy]

This is the first time ever in 20years since our close friendship I said something because I cannot take it anymore. She was in shock and didn't understand why I would say something like that to her.

Just want to applaud you for speaking up. It's so clear that you love her, but if you want the relationship to be sustainable, it needs to work for you, too. This was a huge step in the right direction.

Speaking up and changing what they're used to does shock and hurt people with BPD. In time, new ways of relating can lead to something even better. There are really great tools here, as RW said. It can help to start small. Some folks here have had luck with simply saying, "If you continue to (insert behavior), I'll need to leave the room to get some space," then following through.

[Channing]

Semantha, there are so many sentences in your post that exactly describe my relationship with my own younger sister. The past couple of years I have also struggled to redefine my relationship with her so that it is not so painful for me. Like you, I have been the target of numerous "surprise attacks." One of the worst was when I left a voice mail message asking her to check on an elderly relative (by phone) because he was having a hard time. She bombarded me with texts and emails for days denouncing me as vicious and insensitive because I should have known from her Instagram posts that she had a cold.

I have had to confront the fact that I was getting something out of being her "special person" when things were going "well" in the relationship. If I put aside my own needs, listened and provided emotional support for hours every week, never asked for anything from her and provided her with endless validation, I was a "good sister" and she loved and approved of me. That made me feel important and special but those feelings arose from a lie that I have been telling myself since I was a child. The lie is that I do not need any reciprocity in my family relationships. The truth is that we all need respect, approval and love.

One thing that finally motivated me to change was that both of us are approaching retirement age and she began to not so subtly insist that we make plans to live together when we retired. It is interesting to me in retrospect to think about how that evolved from talking about what "we" would like to do in retirement. She began to make very concrete demands like "I expect you to move here and live with me" and I was afraid of her response if I disagreed. Unwinding all of that has been difficult but I realize now that my life will be miserable if I do what she demands.

In a way, the live-in caretaking my sister expects mirrors your experience as a teenager where your parents forced you into acting as a live in support system for your mentally ill sister. No child should ever be subjected to such a situation. It is as though your parents threw up their hands, refused to care for their difficult child and forced their older child to take on their parental role. It was abusive. I hope you will find some peace in your relationship with your sister. This is a very difficult situation.

[Semantha]

Just want to applaud you for speaking up. It's so clear that you love her, but if you want the relationship to be sustainable, it needs to work for you, too. This was a huge step in the right direction.

Speaking up and changing what they're used to does shock and hurt people with BPD. In time, new ways of relating can lead to something even better. There are really great tools here, as RW said. It can help to start small. Some folks here have had luck with simply saying, "If you continue to (insert behavior), I'll need to leave the room to get some space," then following through.

Thank you so much for your encouragement. Starting small is definitely less scary and doable!

[Semantha]

Semantha, there are so many sentences in your post that exactly describe my relationship with my own younger sister. The past couple of years I have also struggled to redefine my relationship with her so that it is not so painful for me. Like you, I have been the target of numerous "surprise attacks." One of the worst was when I left a voice mail message asking her to check on an elderly relative (by phone) because he was having a hard time. She bombarded me with texts and emails for days denouncing me as vicious and insensitive because I should have known from her Instagram posts that she had a cold.

I have had to confront the fact that I was getting something out of being her "special person" when things were going "well" in the relationship. If I put aside my own needs, listened and provided emotional support for hours every week, never asked for anything from her and provided her with endless validation, I was a "good sister" and she loved and approved of me. That made me feel important and special but those feelings arose from a lie that I have been telling myself since I was a child. The lie is that I do not need any reciprocity in my family relationships. The truth is that we all need respect, approval and love.

One thing that finally motivated me to change was that both of us are approaching retirement age and she began to not so subtly insist that we make plans to live together when we retired. It is interesting to me in retrospect to think about how that evolved from talking about what "we" would like to do in retirement. She began to make very concrete demands like "I expect you to move here and live with me" and I was afraid of her response if I disagreed. Unwinding all of that has been difficult but I realize now that my life will be miserable if I do what she demands.

In a way, the live-in caretaking my sister expects mirrors your experience as a teenager where your parents forced you into acting as a live in support system for your mentally ill sister. No child should ever be subjected to such a situation. It is as though your parents threw up their hands, refused to care for their difficult child and forced their older child to take on their parental role. It was abusive. I hope you will find some peace in your relationship with your sister. This is a very difficult situation.

Reading your post almost made me cry  feeling your pain helplessness frustration. At the same time it gives me hope you have found your way to check in with yourself how much you matter and your feelings matter.

It's - what they call it these days- the gaslighting the flipping the script that gets me every single time off guard. Finding myself questioning every word and every move I mad to deserve the attack. Because she is 1000% confident I showcase the most disrepectful abusive behavior towards her. I'm not perfect nor a Saint but I can honestly say I would never disrespect or abuse anyone let alone my loved ones

[Couscous]

This is a challenging situation but I think you could possibly train your sister to accept limits on her behavior if you no longer give in to her blackmail. She may eventually go back to her abusive exes even in spite of your attempts to save her from them, so I am not so certain that you will always succeed in protecting her from herself. And even if you do succeed — there could be serious costs to your own health at some point in the near future. These things often begin to start catching up with us when we hit midlife.

I used to feel gutted when a couple of my siblings would insinuate that I was abusive, when it was they who were abusive — but I have recently become more immune to this kind of thing. I think realizing that it’s is a common tactic abusers use where they switch roles and reverse the victim and offender is what helped me with this.

Bit I think the only real solution is developing a stronger sense of self so that false accusations don’t get under our skin so much, and also so that we can work towards reducing contact with our disordered loved ones. It can take time, but as over-responsible firstborns we have to be willing to take a big step back and allow our younger siblings to hit bottom if it comes to that — which paradoxically is actually the most loving thing we can do for them, as well as for ourselves, in the long run.

What kind of advice has your therapist given you?

[Semantha]

Thank you so much for sharing your useful advice. Apologies for the delayed response as I have been traveling.

The therapist told me I give her too much power over me. It's only natural I want loved ones to have a good opinion about me and I make a genuine effort to treat them with the highest respect, but if my sister attacks me and it's soo distorted I should work on myself not to internalize it and remind myself that what she is saying is factually incorrect and a distortion in HER mind. Basically I cannot change her but I can change how I deal with the outbursts.


Quote author=Couscous link=topic=354370.msg13183843#msg13183843 date=1668911965]
This is a challenging situation but I think you could possibly train your sister to accept limits on her behavior if you no longer give in to her blackmail. She may eventually go back to her abusive exes even in spite of your attempts to save her from them, so I am not so certain that you will always succeed in protecting her from herself. And even if you do succeed — there could be serious costs to your own health at some point in the near future. These things often begin to start catching up with us when we hit midlife.

I used to feel gutted when a couple of my siblings would insinuate that I was abusive, when it was they who were abusive — but I have recently become more immune to this kind of thing. I think realizing that it’s is a common tactic abusers use where they switch roles and reverse the victim and offender is what helped me with this.

Bit I think the only real solution is developing a stronger sense of self so that false accusations don’t get under our skin so much, and also so that we can work towards reducing contact with our disordered loved ones. It can take time, but as over-responsible firstborns we have to be willing to take a big step back and allow our younger siblings to hit bottom if it comes to that — which paradoxically is actually the most loving thing we can do for them, as well as for ourselves, in the long run.

What kind of advice has your therapist given you?
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