Question about Enabling a BPD Wife

[malexander]

Hello All, I am new with dealing with BPD wife. I have been married 6 years. The first 3 I was in a state of pure confusion and chaos. After thinking I was losing my mind, I reached out to a friend counselor, and began sharing what was taken place. He sent me a book, and it was my life. As relieved as I was to know I was not going crazy, the reality set in that I still could not fix the issue. I spent the next 3 years hoping and praying I could make it better. Two months ago I came to the conclusion I was fooling myself. I had not realized how far I had falling. So am just beginning the healing process. Here is my question. My wife does not trust me and constantly wants me to do something to make her feel better. She has asked for me do something very easy, but I am wanting her to own her fear and deal with it. She is going to counseling but does not except there is anything wrong with her. I am very angry and grieved. I dont trust my decision making with her. Any comments would be appreciated.

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[Cat Familiar]

My wife does not trust me and constantly wants me to do something to make her feel better. She has asked for me do something very easy, but I am wanting her to own her fear and deal with it.

Can you be more specific about this? What is she asking you to do?

As much as we’d like them to take responsibility for themselves and their feelings, it is unlikely that they will, if we ask. It’s somewhat more likely if we let consequences happen if they don’t, yet still they often will refuse to accept responsibility and will try to blame others.

[malexander]

Yes My wife got upset about nothing and ask me for separation. I had reached my end this has happened dozens and dozens and dozens of time. So I backed a few things and left. My son has a rental house that was empty so I rented it for a month. I had not told my son what was going until this happened. Of course, she reached after 2 days and began begging. I told her I was not coming with out some change. She did everything I asked so after a week I came home. I am trying not to involve my son as much as possible. So I have not told him I was back home. She says it is because I can just leave again. I reminder her that I would not have left if she did not ask for a separation over nothing. She wants me to tell him so to make her feel more secure. She is a bottomless pit of nontrust. It want help a thing. But I do want to make sure I am thinking straight. It is a easy thing to do so I might be thinking wrong. Maybe I should tell to secure her. Im am just tired of giving up my freedoms to make her feel better. Please reply what you think.

[Cat Familiar]

I would not triangulate your son into this. It’s between you and her. Period.

If you have the option to leave for the remainder of the month, it might motivate her to be on her best behavior. But then what?

[outhere]

My wife also often suggests/threatens separation and presents very logical explanations which I have difficulty refuting (I suppose this is the circular arguing I'm starting to realize is a pattern in the illness), for example "I am the source of your troubles so if I go away then you can have a happy life".  In the moment, I'm very agitated and tired of the meltdowns, so obviously a part of my brain says "that's true!", but of course deeper down I would prefer that she get therapy and start to heal herself so that we can have more of the good times and less of the bad times, because I love her, and when she is not exploding we enjoy each other's company very much.  I'm sorry that you're struggling right now and the only thing I can offer is to suggest that you make sure to take care of yourself.

[Notwendy]

Enabling is a pattern between two people. While your wife may have BPD, you are also a part of this behavior. It may feel as if you are enabling when you "give in" to her wishes but enabling is actually soothing your own fear of her reaction if you don't meet her wishes.

You can't change another person but you can change your own behavior and in this way, you can change that enabling is reinforcing some of her behaviors that are problematic for you. For people who don't wish to leave their relationship at the moment, this can be a step at decreasing the disfunction between two people. It isn't a solution for BPD.

Change, real change, takes time. She's not going to suddenly improve in a couple of weeks and neither will you, but over time, you can see it if you work at it. If you, yourself, are not in counseling, it's helpful to you to do this to work on your own part of this and get support.

There's a push pull dynamic in these relationships. What happened when you left for the rental is you increased her fear. She was then more motivated to agree to your requests, improve her behavior, due to fear. Once you are back, the fear is diminished and the fear based motivation is reduced. If you leave temporarily in order to "make her change" you are trying to change her by your own actions. It would be like you giving up eating sweets so the other person will lose weight. You know that doesn't make sense. For someone to lose weight, they have to cut down on eating sweets.

If you leave for the rental to get some peace for yourself, and have some time to yourself to think- then that's a different reason. It's based on your needs, not hers. It's not done to make her change. If you go to the rental, and it's based on your needs, and this is what you feel you need for yourself- that's different than being in this push-pull pattern with your wife and it may be helpful for you to get some time to yourself- but not as an "I am leaving you unless you change" reason.

I agree, leave your son out of this. This would be triangulation. The path to stopping enabling anyone is actually through your own personal work. It's not easy- it's easier to give in in the moment, but working on your own tendency to enable is more effective in the long run. Counseling can help and also be a support for you in this process.

[Manic Miner]

My wife also often suggests/threatens separation and presents very logical explanations which I have difficulty refuting (I suppose this is the circular arguing I'm starting to realize is a pattern in the illness), for example "I am the source of your troubles so if I go away then you can have a happy life".  In the moment, I'm very agitated and tired of the meltdowns, so obviously a part of my brain says "that's true!", but of course deeper down I would prefer that she get therapy and start to heal herself so that we can have more of the good times and less of the bad times, because I love her, and when she is not exploding we enjoy each other's company very much.  I'm sorry that you're struggling right now and the only thing I can offer is to suggest that you make sure to take care of yourself.

Ditto. Same lines, same response from me. Same thoughts.

If you had any luck in this please share.

[LifewithEase]

My wife also often suggests/threatens separation and presents very logical explanations which I have difficulty refuting (I suppose this is the circular arguing I'm starting to realize is a pattern in the illness), for example "I am the source of your troubles so if I go away then you can have a happy life".  In the moment, I'm very agitated and tired of the meltdowns, so obviously a part of my brain says "that's true!", but of course deeper down I would prefer that she get therapy and start to heal herself so that we can have more of the good times and less of the bad times, because I love her, and when she is not exploding we enjoy each other's company very much.  I'm sorry that you're struggling right now and the only thing I can offer is to suggest that you make sure to take care of yourself.

This! So spot on.

- Circular arguing
- Constant threat of separation
- Agitation, exhaustion I feel when they are dysregulating

[SaltyDawg]

Jury is out for me for this topic as I am about two months in the change; however, my wife is increasing her threats of Divorce -- this has been going on for over a decade, and I am finally doing something about it.  CHANGE is definitely happening -- she wanted me to change to enable her more; however, I am changing, by removing my enabling behavior by setting firm boundaries, and these boundaries are being enforced.  Which has resulted in no more violence, less emotional terrorism [abuse] is a result - for two months now.  Time will tell if this is maintainable.  However, her passion for me is gone, and she is upset with me, but is no longer raging at me; however, I am experiencing the 'silent treatment' which I prefer over rages.

Last couple's T quit on us -- found us too difficult as she was exhibiting more and more signs of the borderline and refused to admit it -- and she was a DBT specialist.  New couple's T was warned of high conflict relationship and seems to be making some progress with us and is not DBT and also doesn't think she has BPD.

I also have a new individual T who is experienced with BPD [she recommends leaving, but I have abandonment issues probably not related to BPD, my uBPDw also has abandonment issues probably related to BPD] and a Divorce will be way too costly morally and financially for both of us -- so we got to figure out a way to stay.

Also, my previous individual T, who has a PhD in psychology, was not experienced with BPD; although, he was instrumental in helping me figure out it was BPD and referred me to my new T as he admitted he was in over his head on this one.

We are going to give it two months to see where it goes, adjusting along the way.  If there continues to be good progress in this direction, I will stay on this uncharted path; however, if there isn't I will re-evaluate.

Wish me luck for making my own path off the beaten track since this and other forums are filled with failures.  At least, I will go down fighting for what I believe to be right even if it is not recommended by any text book, although I have been validated by an expert in the field on my chosen path.