Im Just A Shell of Man. Needing Help

[malexander]

I have been married for 6 years and living in pure hell. I am in counseling but am so angry. I am so grieved over my dying dreams for my marriage. It is very hard for me to separate my wife from her disorder. I have not handled her correctly at all. Can anyone tell how to begin not taking her accusations personally. Not being afraid of the next shoe to fall. Please Help.
Signed Broken and Alone

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

How about starting with the worst thing possible that could happen. How could you deal with that?

It’s hard not to take accusations personally. Some members here have used a strategy of thinking of their emotionally disabled partners like toddlers who say things like “I hate you Daddy.” It’s easy not to take these types of comments seriously when they come from children, but not so easy when our romantic partners say awful things—and they seem to know exactly what to say in order to wound us.

Understandable that you are angry and grieving a marriage that hasn’t turned out as promised.

[outhere]

It is very hard for me to separate my wife from her disorder.

I also find this difficult but often think about the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and it seems to help provide a framework for separating them.  I try to remind my pwBPD of this as well: "you are not your illness" but I'm not entirely sure this is helpful so don't take it as advice.

[Lifehasitsups]

My heart goes out to you. It is really hard to acknowledge that your marriage will not be what you dreamed it to be. I hope you have friends or family you can talk to. Let them know you need encouragement and love. Give yourself time to reflect on your good qualities. “It is not what they say about you that matters, it is what you say about you that really matters”. I yell that in the car by myself pretty often.

[Lifehasitsups]

I had a therapist once who would always say “don’t buy the swamp land on Florida”. When my uBPDw says ridiculous or hurtful things I say that in my head.  Sometimes it helps a little bit.

[chemist52]

First off let me just say I feel for you so much. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It is not your job to handle her. You are her partner, not her therapist. As partners, all we can do is listen, support, attempt to understand and communicate. It is very hard not to take them personally. I dated one on and off for 3 1/2 years and it felt like being with two different people. Something I have learned is that most of the time, their accusations are not based in reality, but THEIR reality. For instance, if they have it in their mind that you are cheating, they will create a reality where that happens. Talking to someone too long, you will get asked "how often do you talk one on one? What do you talk about? I am suspicious of them." When they are in that state of mind there is no logic or facts you can throw their way that will convince them. You are doing the best you can, and I do not think you give yourself enough credit. You are committed to making something work when most would have given up long before you. It takes a special person to make a long-term relationship work with someone who has BPD.