Hey there, this is my first post

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey there. This is my first post and I'm happy I found a forum like this. A lot of the resources here have been very useful and, obviously, anonymity is a huge advantage.

I'm structuring this post to answer some of the questions on the Lessons topic.

What is your story?

I married someone that I believe has BPD, or at least it lines up heavily and it makes a lot of sense.

We met last summer. We had a very strong connection and within 3 months she was moving in with me to a house I bought. Within a month of being there was a sudden breakup after what felt like a wonderful relationship and I had my first experience of how shocking and confusing this type of relationships can be. We made up several months later when I learned she went through a hospital and she ended up in a homeless shelter. I helped her get a job and covered expenses. I asked her to marry me. She asked if we could have a baby. For awhile it seemed like everything in the world was right. Everyone was friends, and life was safe and secure, with a hopeful future.

After all, we are made for love, and we are lost, shrinking, and disappearing from the human world when we are without it. When we appreciate one another, engage one another, we participate in realizing one another's value and our real selves, and expand that out to recognition of the value and dignity of every human being.

It seemed like a success story overcoming the pandemic.

This phase lasted roughly 3-4 months. We had family events, and were building up plans for a honeymoon, to have a ceremony next year, etc.

Next thing you know she wants a divorce and is threatening an abortion. She left the house and got an abortion for the baby that was 17 weeks old. This was 2 or so weeks after she met my family who flew in from another state. It's the most random, chaotic, devastating thing I've ever experienced. There is really nothing of substance to explain why this happened and I just sound silly trying to explain whatever arguments we were having. She started becoming someone else and seemed to forget what mattered. I became dysregulated, angry, and scared. She actually sent me to the hospital because of something I wrote, and didn't even remember writing. One day it was just the end of the line.

Life and time started moving extremely strangely since then.

Within a month she ended up in a hospital again. I felt the need to help and fulfill my side of my promise. I helped her keep her job, visited her, brought her back to the house. We seemed to be extremely open and honest about amending and figuring out what to do next. Within a few days it switched again. The situation became abusive. I did not know what the hell to do during a lot of it, I was just completely shocked, and handled it as things came. I had to get the law involved and was very conflicted over my own safety as well as protecting her. I basically sent her to the hospital to avoid any physical escalation and since she needed help. She came back within a few hours and I called the cops again because I was freaked out. I left and spent time at a friends house while she stayed. Property was destroyed when I got back which restarted the conflict. I kept trying to correct course by doing my routines, distracting myself, etc, but it was causing me a lot of trouble dealing with the chaos. I don't know everything she was feeling, but it seemed like a lot on her end. We went back and forth in our engagements, where she was becoming somewhat rational and civil again, until she left. No contact from her since. Her mother said she's moved around different places, including out of state, has been in a hospital again, etc. I've stayed out of it.

This became a very important junction in my life. I started a process with the army and it's been several months since then. I'm expecting the enlistment will go through soon and I'll have a training date in a very short amount of time. I already wanted to join before this story. I spent some time thinking I was going to do it with the support of a partner and a child to support, but now it's more of a 'creative action' to start a new cycle for myself.

Where are you in the grieving process?

This is one question I'm asking myself right now. I'm using information on the board to figure it out. I'm also asking what's next with the relationship, if anything. I think there's one last shot for a serious attempt and that's it. It seems we'll both have lots of time to figure ourselves out and what we're doing while I'm away training.

What do you struggle with most?

Defaulting to this idea that something is wrong with me or something about me is just fundamentally a failure. It's really frustrating how I can feel this way and how it just seems to take over.

[jonkarhu31]

Hey there. This is my first post and I'm happy I found a forum like this. A lot of the resources here have been very useful and, obviously, anonymity is a huge advantage.

I'm structuring this post to answer some of the questions on the Lessons topic.

What is your story?

I married someone that I believe has BPD, or at least it lines up heavily and it makes a lot of sense.

We met last summer. We had a very strong connection and within 3 months she was moving in with me to a house I bought. Within a month of being there was a sudden breakup after what felt like a wonderful relationship and I had my first experience of how shocking and confusing this type of relationships can be. We made up several months later when I learned she went through a hospital and she ended up in a homeless shelter. I helped her get a job and covered expenses. I asked her to marry me. She asked if we could have a baby. For awhile it seemed like everything in the world was right. Everyone was friends, and life was safe and secure, with a hopeful future.

After all, we are made for love, and we are lost, shrinking, and disappearing from the human world when we are without it. When we appreciate one another, engage one another, we participate in realizing one another's value and our real selves, and expand that out to recognition of the value and dignity of every human being.

It seemed like a success story overcoming the pandemic.

This phase lasted roughly 3-4 months. We had family events, and were building up plans for a honeymoon, to have a ceremony next year, etc.

Next thing you know she wants a divorce and is threatening an abortion. She left the house and got an abortion for the baby that was 17 weeks old. This was 2 or so weeks after she met my family who flew in from another state. It's the most random, chaotic, devastating thing I've ever experienced. There is really nothing of substance to explain why this happened and I just sound silly trying to explain whatever arguments we were having. She started becoming someone else and seemed to forget what mattered. I became dysregulated, angry, and scared. She actually sent me to the hospital because of something I wrote, and didn't even remember writing. One day it was just the end of the line.

Life and time started moving extremely strangely since then.

Within a month she ended up in a hospital again. I felt the need to help and fulfill my side of my promise. I helped her keep her job, visited her, brought her back to the house. We seemed to be extremely open and honest about amending and figuring out what to do next. Within a few days it switched again. The situation became abusive. I did not know what the hell to do during a lot of it, I was just completely shocked, and handled it as things came. I had to get the law involved and was very conflicted over my own safety as well as protecting her. I basically sent her to the hospital to avoid any physical escalation and since she needed help. She came back within a few hours and I called the cops again because I was freaked out. I left and spent time at a friends house while she stayed. Property was destroyed when I got back which restarted the conflict. I kept trying to correct course by doing my routines, distracting myself, etc, but it was causing me a lot of trouble dealing with the chaos. I don't know everything she was feeling, but it seemed like a lot on her end. We went back and forth in our engagements, where she was becoming somewhat rational and civil again, until she left. No contact from her since. Her mother said she's moved around different places, including out of state, has been in a hospital again, etc. I've stayed out of it.

This became a very important junction in my life. I started a process with the army and it's been several months since then. I'm expecting the enlistment will go through soon and I'll have a training date in a very short amount of time. I already wanted to join before this story. I spent some time thinking I was going to do it with the support of a partner and a child to support, but now it's more of a 'creative action' to start a new cycle for myself.

Where are you in the grieving process?

This is one question I'm asking myself right now. I'm using information on the board to figure it out. I'm also asking what's next with the relationship, if anything. I think there's one last shot for a serious attempt and that's it. It seems we'll both have lots of time to figure ourselves out and what we're doing while I'm away training.

What do you struggle with most?

Defaulting to this idea that something is wrong with me or something about me is just fundamentally a failure. It's really frustrating how I can feel this way and how it just seems to take over.

[kells76]

Hey, welcome. Really glad you've found us and have checked out some of the reading. It's kind of amazing the depth of knowledge & resources here.

It makes sense given what you went through, which was a roller coaster to say the least, that you'd be wondering where you are in the grieving process. So much has been yanked out from under you, it sounds like -- relationship, child, connection, success, even the very idea of who she was.

And it sounds wise to intentionally create some space between you two, so that you have time to breathe and think straight about what you want and what's feasible. For some people, a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) is, after the initial "honeymoon phase", more like mostly emergencies, occasionally punctuated by relative calm. So that can keep us in "crisis mode" where it's difficult to assess the whole situation.

Basic training seems like it'll provide you with a change in environment plus a change in what to focus on, that can help you gain perspective on your relationship, and make wise decisions for your future.

A couple of things in your intro stood out to me:

I think there's one last shot and that's it.

Tell me a little more about that -- there must be some stuff that leads you to think you'll reconnect?

and:

What do you struggle with most?

Defaulting to this idea that something is wrong with me or something about me is just fundamentally a failure. It's really frustrating how I can feel this way and how it just seems to take over.

Am I tracking with you that those thoughts are in connection to what happened in your relationship? Like "you're the only one who messed it up", or something like that?

...

Glad you were able to check out the Lessons. Sometimes having a structure to interface with can help us in times of grief, uncertainty, and chaos.

Let us know how you're doing, whenever works for you. No pressure.

-kells76

[jonkarhu31]

Thank you for your time and thoughtfulness.

Quote from: jonkarhu31 on November 11, 2022, 04:12:44 PM
I think there's one last shot and that's it.

Tell me a little more about that -- there must be some stuff that leads you to think you'll reconnect?

On the last day she sort of woke up and we started pretending, knowing we were pretending, to take on our roles again.  I drove her to the pharmacy to pick up her meds, get a meal, and we were enjoying little interactions that are so easy to take for granted. She knew I was going to want to leave for training after what happened. There were a few more hours at the house of just calm and then she disappeared when I went out to do an errand. She said this is how she wants to say goodbye.

In one light we were both becoming increasingly aware of who the other person actually was and linking it with the idealized experiences we had been creating. On my own end I think that there's a potential future where we are serious about figuring out life together. Not that's it certain. That's our last shot. I also, honestly, don't think about higher powers very often, but somehow that's another way I feel about it. A higher power being involved, whether it's God, or the power of human spirits and connection, or whatever. I don't know.

Quote from: jonkarhu31 on November 11, 2022, 04:12:44 PM
What do you struggle with most?

Defaulting to this idea that something is wrong with me or something about me is just fundamentally a failure. It's really frustrating how I can feel this way and how it just seems to take over.

I think this has been around for awhile, so not exactly. It feels more like this type of experience of failure & loss extends a previously existing cycle or perception that I have, or provides proof.

Thanks for the warm welcome and the other words as well, I'm thinking about them.

[alterK]

Welcome, Jonk. Glad you found this forum. Kells has given you some helpful ideas, and I will only add a couple more.

First, there will be no magic formula for fixing this very difficult relationship. The "roller coaster" is an expression you will find in many posts here. Except this ride doesn't end by coasting to a calm finish. It just goes around again and again.

Second, unless you haven't said anything about this, it appears that you are trying to go it alone. This will multiply your difficulties. The books and lessons can be very useful, but there's no substitute for individual help. The best way to start healing yourself, straightening out your thinking, is to get your head into therapy with a decent therapist.

I know the VA provides help for veterans in this department. I don't know exactly what's available for those on active service, but surely there are many resources. The military wants people who are in good shape emotionally, and there will be help for you.