BPD sister feeling so frustrated

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,
I have been reading so much helpful advice on here and the strength people get from your support is heartwarming, I am hoping your expertise might help me with my current issues with my sister (who is technically uBPD, when it is mentioned/suggested she refuses to see that clinician again). Apologies for the length, will try and limit to key points only!

My sister is 2 years younger than me (39) and has always been a difficult person to get along with. When we were teenagers she would get into arguments with our Dad every evening, and eventually he said he couldn't live with her anymore. My parents decided that the best way to keep our family together would be to move to two separate apartments in the same complex (my sister and I in one, parents in another, different buildings).

I have always been very conflict avoidant, growing up i would do my best to keep my sister happy (she would frequently pinch/hit me, threaten me to get what she wanted), my role in the family was to be the good girl, who did well at school and didn't cause any problems. My parents were loving and tried their best but as my sister's behaviour became increasingly challenging more responsibility shifted to me.

Living with her from when I was 17 and she was 15 was very difficult. She would verbally (and sometimes physically) abuse me, break my belongings, steal from me, invade my privacy. She hacked into my emails once and said nasty things to my best friend and my bf at the time (now my husband), nearly destroying those relationships until I discovered what she had done. She was self harming a lot and would tell me that she only did it when I wasn't there, and that she would cut herself if I went out with my friends or husband. She told me she would kill herself if I told my parents what was happening.

This went on for several years and I largely did what she wanted to keep her happy, she was still in high school for part of the time so this included doing her homework for her and buying her gifts (I worked part time and was at university). She would use my desire to have my husband visit as a way of controlling me, she told our mum she didn't feel safe when he was around (despite him never doing anything to justify this concern), but she would "let" him come over if I did what she wanted.

After 4 years of this and one evening of particularly distressing verbal abuse I decided to leave and moved out (my husband chose to move in with me). This was the first time in my life I felt like she had no power over me and I had some peace.

Not surprisingly, she was upset by this and became angry/the victim when she wasn't invited over. Within a very short timeframe though she convinced her own bf to marry her and they moved away for a short time.

Fast forward a year (of relative peace and happiness) and she was back living near me. Now married (I was a bridesmaid but still limited contact) she invited me out to lunch and apologised for all the hurt she had caused, she explained that as a teenager she had significant mental health issues (from anxiety), that she was now medicated and wanted a relationship with me. I gradually let her back in my life to the point our families could holiday together (we both have young families now).  While she could still be difficult at times (especially finding fault with my husband who i think she believes never fully forgave her for how she hurt me when we were younger) she was largely happy with her own family and we developed a decent relationship, our kids going to school together, mutual friends in our local community etc.

Around 5 years ago things took a turn for the worse when she developed what she described as crippling anxiety. She started seeing multiple professionals, changing her medication and trying to find a solution but with no luck. Our family was there for her, and her kids, through stays at residential facilities and various health episodes. At one point she tried ect which I think has permanently impacted her memory.

Unfortunately her situation continued to deteriorate, she started drinking to help with her anxiety, and taking large amounts of prescription drugs. She has had multiple physical health issues (unsure if caused by substance abuse) and her marriage has broken down (still living together), she is also at risk of losing her job. Through this period my husband and I have gone above and beyond to help her and care for her family (especially her kids), but over time it became very difficult, especially when she refused to help her self and always blamed her physical or mental health for her choices.

I tried to put some boundaries in earlier this year, I have my own chronic health condition that is aggravated by stress and having to call ambulances because she was intoxicated, recieving messages at random that she wanted to kill herself, and asking for help to hide drugs etc from her husband was just too much. When I told her why I needed some space it really hurt as it was the first time I ever remember telling her what I needed and she never showed any concern for my health or wellbeing, she only wanted a checklist of what she had to do to keep me well as she said she needed me to be her support person.

After several months of reduced contact (I made myself available once a week to spend time with her to help with her problems) she began sending aggressive messages saying that i only wanted to be there for the good times, that I should just own the fact I wanted to cut her off, and also telling me she would be more likely to kill herself if I wasn't there/she wouldn't survive without me. I should say that my Mum has remained very involved and supportive throughout, my sister has a psychiatrist and all suicide threats are taken seriously (she has been hospitalised for self harming and alcohol/drug use).

The messages became increasingly aggressive a couple of months ago, and she would unfriend me and block me then add me again. She also started blaming my husband, saying he has a nasty side, that he has turned our kids against her etc (none of it true and very hurtful as he also supported her a lot in recent years). I tried explaining how my boundaries were my way of keeping her in my life, and why what she said was untrue, unfair and hurtful (I understand why that strategy failed) and asked her to please stop implying I was leading her to suicide. It didn't work and when she threatened it again last month I responded by asking her to please stop contacting me, and told her I would contact her when I'm ready.

I have accepted that she is telling other ppl I cut her off because her health issues are too much for me (others are only told about her physical health issues) and i know she believes this to be the truth (and also that my husband has turned me against her). I know to her thoughts are facts and I am wasting my time trying to explain.

What I am most needing direction/advice on now is the future... she has already ignored my request for no contact (sent me a birthday card telling me how much she is hurting and dropping "gifts" for my kids telling them how much she loves them). I will inevitably see her at our kids school with end of year concerts etc coming up and the thought makes me physically ill (as uncomfortable situations always have). There's a part of me that wants to go limited contact just so I don't have to stress about seeing her and will feel in control, but I honestly don't want her in my life.

I also love my husband very much, he has been so incredibly understanding and tolerant of her behaviour over the years but her recent cruel texts have hurt him deeply and he has told me he can't allow her back in his life (for his own mental health but is not going to prevent me from seeing her if that's what I want).

Should I pretend I don't know my own sister when I see her in public? Just hide in the back and hope she doesn't approach me? I haven't responded to the boundary breaches as I feel any reaction is a reward from her perspective, but I worry she will keep escalating and approach my kids at school. She can get quite unstable and unpredictable and when she is affected by drugs and/or alcohol this is even worse. My kids are happy and love their friends and community, we also have other friends who live nearby, but there is also a part of me that wants to move far away where I don't have to worry about seeing her (ie run away!).

Any advice would be very gratefully received!

[Mary99]

Hi all,
I have been reading so much helpful advice on here and the strength people get from your support is heartwarming, I am hoping your expertise might help me with my current issues with my sister (who is technically uBPD, when it is mentioned/suggested she refuses to see that clinician again). Apologies for the length, will try and limit to key points only!

My sister is 2 years younger than me (39) and has always been a difficult person to get along with. When we were teenagers she would get into arguments with our Dad every evening, and eventually he said he couldn't live with her anymore. My parents decided that the best way to keep our family together would be to move to two separate apartments in the same complex (my sister and I in one, parents in another, different buildings).

I have always been very conflict avoidant, growing up i would do my best to keep my sister happy (she would frequently pinch/hit me, threaten me to get what she wanted), my role in the family was to be the good girl, who did well at school and didn't cause any problems. My parents were loving and tried their best but as my sister's behaviour became increasingly challenging more responsibility shifted to me.

Living with her from when I was 17 and she was 15 was very difficult. She would verbally (and sometimes physically) abuse me, break my belongings, steal from me, invade my privacy. She hacked into my emails once and said nasty things to my best friend and my bf at the time (now my husband), nearly destroying those relationships until I discovered what she had done. She was self harming a lot and would tell me that she only did it when I wasn't there, and that she would cut herself if I went out with my friends or husband. She told me she would kill herself if I told my parents what was happening.

This went on for several years and I largely did what she wanted to keep her happy, she was still in high school for part of the time so this included doing her homework for her and buying her gifts (I worked part time and was at university). She would use my desire to have my husband visit as a way of controlling me, she told our mum she didn't feel safe when he was around (despite him never doing anything to justify this concern), but she would "let" him come over if I did what she wanted.

After 4 years of this and one evening of particularly distressing verbal abuse I decided to leave and moved out (my husband chose to move in with me). This was the first time in my life I felt like she had no power over me and I had some peace.

Not surprisingly, she was upset by this and became angry/the victim when she wasn't invited over. Within a very short timeframe though she convinced her own bf to marry her and they moved away for a short time.

Fast forward a year (of relative peace and happiness) and she was back living near me. Now married (I was a bridesmaid but still limited contact) she invited me out to lunch and apologised for all the hurt she had caused, she explained that as a teenager she had significant mental health issues (from anxiety), that she was now medicated and wanted a relationship with me. I gradually let her back in my life to the point our families could holiday together (we both have young families now).  While she could still be difficult at times (especially finding fault with my husband who i think she believes never fully forgave her for how she hurt me when we were younger) she was largely happy with her own family and we developed a decent relationship, our kids going to school together, mutual friends in our local community etc.

Around 5 years ago things took a turn for the worse when she developed what she described as crippling anxiety. She started seeing multiple professionals, changing her medication and trying to find a solution but with no luck. Our family was there for her, and her kids, through stays at residential facilities and various health episodes. At one point she tried ect which I think has permanently impacted her memory.

Unfortunately her situation continued to deteriorate, she started drinking to help with her anxiety, and taking large amounts of prescription drugs. She has had multiple physical health issues (unsure if caused by substance abuse) and her marriage has broken down (still living together), she is also at risk of losing her job. Through this period my husband and I have gone above and beyond to help her and care for her family (especially her kids), but over time it became very difficult, especially when she refused to help her self and always blamed her physical or mental health for her choices.

I tried to put some boundaries in earlier this year, I have my own chronic health condition that is aggravated by stress and having to call ambulances because she was intoxicated, recieving messages at random that she wanted to kill herself, and asking for help to hide drugs etc from her husband was just too much. When I told her why I needed some space it really hurt as it was the first time I ever remember telling her what I needed and she never showed any concern for my health or wellbeing, she only wanted a checklist of what she had to do to keep me well as she said she needed me to be her support person.

After several months of reduced contact (I made myself available once a week to spend time with her to help with her problems) she began sending aggressive messages saying that i only wanted to be there for the good times, that I should just own the fact I wanted to cut her off, and also telling me she would be more likely to kill herself if I wasn't there/she wouldn't survive without me. I should say that my Mum has remained very involved and supportive throughout, my sister has a psychiatrist and all suicide threats are taken seriously (she has been hospitalised for self harming and alcohol/drug use).

The messages became increasingly aggressive a couple of months ago, and she would unfriend me and block me then add me again. She also started blaming my husband, saying he has a nasty side, that he has turned our kids against her etc (none of it true and very hurtful as he also supported her a lot in recent years). I tried explaining how my boundaries were my way of keeping her in my life, and why what she said was untrue, unfair and hurtful (I understand why that strategy failed) and asked her to please stop implying I was leading her to suicide. It didn't work and when she threatened it again last month I responded by asking her to please stop contacting me, and told her I would contact her when I'm ready.

I have accepted that she is telling other ppl I cut her off because her health issues are too much for me (others are only told about her physical health issues) and i know she believes this to be the truth (and also that my husband has turned me against her). I know to her thoughts are facts and I am wasting my time trying to explain.

What I am most needing direction/advice on now is the future... she has already ignored my request for no contact (sent me a birthday card telling me how much she is hurting and dropping "gifts" for my kids telling them how much she loves them). I will inevitably see her at our kids school with end of year concerts etc coming up and the thought makes me physically ill (as uncomfortable situations always have). There's a part of me that wants to go limited contact just so I don't have to stress about seeing her and will feel in control, but I honestly don't want her in my life.

I also love my husband very much, he has been so incredibly understanding and tolerant of her behaviour over the years but her recent cruel texts have hurt him deeply and he has told me he can't allow her back in his life (for his own mental health but is not going to prevent me from seeing her if that's what I want).

Should I pretend I don't know my own sister when I see her in public? Just hide in the back and hope she doesn't approach me? I haven't responded to the boundary breaches as I feel any reaction is a reward from her perspective, but I worry she will keep escalating and approach my kids at school. She can get quite unstable and unpredictable and when she is affected by drugs and/or alcohol this is even worse. My kids are happy and love their friends and community, we also have other friends who live nearby, but there is also a part of me that wants to move far away where I don't have to worry about seeing her (ie run away!).

Any advice would be very gratefully received!

[Notwendy]

Wow- one thing that stood out from your story is that- your father couldn't live with your sister, so he expected you, at 17 to do that? Two teen age sisters in an apartment together at 17 and 15 with no adult in the house? While I understand your parents were nearby, still, your sister isn't your responsibility. She is their child.

I think many of us here felt overly responsible for a BPD sibling or BPD parent, but no way does any 17 year old have the ability to manage what grown adults struggle with and that wasn't fair to you.

I think you and your husband can know you have done all you can for your sister and you are not responsible for her or her behavior. I agree that you can have distance and boundaries with her. It's a bit more complicated since you both live in the same area and have kids in the same schools. You will inevitably cross paths.

I think it would feel very odd, and also inauthentic, to pretend you don't know her when you run into her but you can act towards her as if she's an acquaintance, not a friend or relative. I think we've all known someone we have to work with, or see in social settings who we don't really like, but maintain cordial interactions with in a public setting. Say hello, briefly, then excuse yourself and walk away. If you need to make small talk- keep it impersonal. "congratulations on the soccer team win" type of conversation. If it gets personal, excuse yourself and walk away.

Boundaries are on your part. They don't control someone else's behavior- they determine how you will respond to that. She may continue to attempt contact, send cards, call. On your part, throw the cards out or write "return to sender" and put them back in the mail. Block her number. She may not respect your boundaries and test them, which is why you need to hold on to them.

[Mary99]

Thanks so much Notwendy, it always helps to have someone else validate your decision to walk away- the guilt has been overwhelming at times, I think because I have felt responsible for my sister for so long.

Your reminder that the boundaries are mine is also very helpful, you are right, I can't let her violation of my requests dictate my responses.

I will try and stay confident that no matter what happens I can just be polite or walk away, I don't want to be scared and anxious every time I need to be at my child's school, there are too many moments there I need to treasure.

Thank you!

[Notwendy]

You are welcome!