First Post

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This forum has been a really amazing friend during the times I feel panicked and alone.

This has been my worst breakup. Im in my early 40s and the relationship was only 6 months. It hasn’t even been two months since the breakup up but I still feel soo depressed, and stuck in regret.

It was bliss for 6 months. She did have major trauma, and I saw her have some major dissociation/ tics but she was able to share insight the next day. She was one of the nicest and most considerate people I have ever met.  She is undxbpd..

She wanted me to move to her country.  It seemed fast so I was planning a longer visit this time. The previous visits were magical. During a video call,  Out of the blue she told me it wasn’t “practical” to come anymore.. She profusely apologized and said she would “fix it.” I was devastated. I told her on text I needed to know what happened for her to even say that.  She then avoided that conversation and then texted that MY emotional response was not normal. She avoided talking for 14 days and I decided I needed to break up.. When we finally talked she screamed at me. Blaming. I told her I wanted to be friends. For a few days after, we texted about having some of the best times of our lives. She kept telling me she felt great. It just didn’t make sense to me she was so okay about this because when she would even think about not being together she would get a nose bleed, or tell me her heart would be crushed. I was annoyed so I told her I know we will “move on and find other partners, fall in love… but I’m not there yet and In awful grief.” She has never been the same since then. She became cold/distant. NC for 3 weeks. Blocked me on FB and when I asked, she told me to not be so accusatory, her account was hacked. She texted when her mom was in hospital, I gave her so much love, but the next day was distant. II texted beginning of Nov to wish her a happy bday gave love, and she was cordial.

I want her as a friend and don’t know what to do…. I also feel like I prematurely broke up with her and pressured her to talk to fast. How do people get out of bargaining stage of grief? I will have to see her in April and will be traveling together with a large group. I’m terrified of longing for her and what it will be like. The love I felt for her was like no other. I just don’t understand how she is just fine with not talking anymore, can’t say she loves me back, when she was 100x more intense. She told me she was fine because if I “wasn’t in her life a part of her would die.” But she has withdrawn so much….  I decided I won’t text until I’m in a grounded space. But I can’t shake the feeling I made a mistake and gave up to soon because I just feel soo awful. Any insight would be really helpful. Thanks.

[Torimagic]

This forum has been a really amazing friend during the times I feel panicked and alone.

This has been my worst breakup. Im in my early 40s and the relationship was only 6 months. It hasn’t even been two months since the breakup up but I still feel soo depressed, and stuck in regret.

It was bliss for 6 months. She did have major trauma, and I saw her have some major dissociation/ tics but she was able to share insight the next day. She was one of the nicest and most considerate people I have ever met.  She is undxbpd..

She wanted me to move to her country.  It seemed fast so I was planning a longer visit this time. The previous visits were magical. During a video call,  Out of the blue she told me it wasn’t “practical” to come anymore.. She profusely apologized and said she would “fix it.” I was devastated. I told her on text I needed to know what happened for her to even say that.  She then avoided that conversation and then texted that MY emotional response was not normal. She avoided talking for 14 days and I decided I needed to break up.. When we finally talked she screamed at me. Blaming. I told her I wanted to be friends. For a few days after, we texted about having some of the best times of our lives. She kept telling me she felt great. It just didn’t make sense to me she was so okay about this because when she would even think about not being together she would get a nose bleed, or tell me her heart would be crushed. I was annoyed so I told her I know we will “move on and find other partners, fall in love… but I’m not there yet and In awful grief.” She has never been the same since then. She became cold/distant. NC for 3 weeks. Blocked me on FB and when I asked, she told me to not be so accusatory, her account was hacked. She texted when her mom was in hospital, I gave her so much love, but the next day was distant. II texted beginning of Nov to wish her a happy bday gave love, and she was cordial.

I want her as a friend and don’t know what to do…. I also feel like I prematurely broke up with her and pressured her to talk to fast. How do people get out of bargaining stage of grief? I will have to see her in April and will be traveling together with a large group. I’m terrified of longing for her and what it will be like. The love I felt for her was like no other. I just don’t understand how she is just fine with not talking anymore, can’t say she loves me back, when she was 100x more intense. She told me she was fine because if I “wasn’t in her life a part of her would die.” But she has withdrawn so much….  I decided I won’t text until I’m in a grounded space. But I can’t shake the feeling I made a mistake and gave up to soon because I just feel soo awful. Any insight would be really helpful. Thanks.

[imstillhere89]

Hi Torimagic,
I'm very sorry you are going thru this.
From what I have read on this forum plus my own experience with uBPDx the best way to deal with it is absolutely no contact. If you will be friends or in any other contact she will drag you back in everytime she will need you and your love.
No you didn't give up prematurely. Imagine that what you are going thru now will repeat, repeat and repeat... and you will be going thru this pain again, again and again.
I regret that I have been fighting for my ex so many times after he pushed me away. I could leave this relationship straight in the beginning when I first saw tones of red flags. But I was so in love and I wanted to save him ( ). We were together for almost 2 years and I can't even remember how many breakups we were going thru. Now I'm 9 weeks out and only now I'm starting to get better. What helped me recently was sport. I never liked physical activities (apart of swimming) but now I go to few different class groups/week + swimming pool and this really helped me.

I know it's hard to give up on them because everytime they push you away you think "she/he didn't want that. She/he loves me so much! I know it, I can feel it! She/he just needs my love, my attention and my help!"
Noo..apart of your love, attention and help they will take all your energy, happiness, positivity, confidence, strength and everything else you've got.
People with BPD need professional help, without it, chances that they won't destroy partner's life are very low in my opinion.

And friendship... for me friendship with anybody I have got feelings for would be very difficult...with person with BPD - impossible.

[Torimagic]

Thank you for the reply! This has been one of the strangest/hardest experiences of my life. I feel so betrayed by her withdrawal of our friendship and just being vulnerable, and I wish I could integrate more of what I know of BPD to make it less personal. I was reading that the more a BPD person withdrawals is because they probably felt incredibly close and couldn’t manage. Rationally I get it, but integrating it to my emotions is so hard. I’m glad you are starting to shift and doing activities! That is great!

[alterK]

Stillhere is right. Any continuation of this relationship will only bring you more pain. You already have ample evidence, eh? There is no magic that will change things and make them better.

I feel badly for you, having gone through something somewhat similar myself, but if you continue to struggle with this relationship the result will be defeat, and you will end by feeling like a fool for having kept at it for so long. No, I'm NOT saying you are a fool, you are honestly trying to save something you value very much, but I am saying that is how you will feel.

The advice you will see frequently here is: Take care of yourself. You are entitled to a decent life. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. At first it will be difficult. You will be dragging yourself into whatever activities you choose. You'll be wondering if it has any meaning. You'll be talking to her in your head. But eventually you will recover.

[Torimagic]

Stillhere is right. Any continuation of this relationship will only bring you more pain. You already have ample evidence, eh? There is no magic that will change things and make them better.

I feel badly for you, having gone through something somewhat similar myself, but if you continue to struggle with this relationship the result will be defeat, and you will end by feeling like a fool for having kept at it for so long. No, I'm NOT saying you are a fool, you are honestly trying to save something you value very much, but I am saying that is how you will feel.

The advice you will see frequently here is: Take care of yourself. You are entitled to a decent life. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. At first it will be difficult. You will be dragging yourself into whatever activities you choose. You'll be wondering if it has any meaning. You'll be talking to her in your head. But eventually you will recover.

Thanks for the reply. You absolutely are right that I am searching for that meaning, and talking to her constantly. I have the most intense flashbacks of our good times. I don’t remember that in previous separations. I don’t know how to detangle from her. It’s been 11 days of NC since I sent the bday message.  I know it’s BPD but it’s crazy how we all have such similar stories. Im in denial about the friendship piece that this can’t be how our story ends. And it’s also so crazy to think she has stuffed her emotions about me so far down or has split and doesn’t remember. I just want to know from her what happened…. She was so insightful throughout the relationship.

[imstillhere89]

I think we all would like to know what they feel and what they think. But! Do they even know what they feel and what they think? My ex blames me for everything and only bad thing he saw in himself was "anger issues". He wouldn't see all the other stuff he has been doing to me. Or maybe he sees it but he won't admit it.
I don’t think we will ever be able to find out their true feelings and thoughts and even if they tell us...can we really trust their words?

[Tupla Sport]

Hello, and welcome!

Somebody on maybe YouTube put it well: relationships are like funnels. A healthy one is a funnel beginning with the narrow end. It broadens on the way. A relationship with a person with BPD is a funnel beginning with the broad end. It gets more narrow until there's not a needle hole letting a drop through.

It's all part of their design. The first months feel like years of heavenly bliss. You finally meet your partner in crime, your soulmate, your twin flame. You went in for a beer and they give you heroin. They do everything in their power to manipulate themselves and you to keep the looming emptiness and fear at bay. But eventually it catches up to them. It always does. The castles in the sky disperse as their inherent and contradictory fears engulf them.

[Torimagic]

I think we all would like to know what they feel and what they think. But! Do they even know what they feel and what they think? My ex blames me for everything and only bad thing he saw in himself was "anger issues". He wouldn't see all the other stuff he has been doing to me. Or maybe he sees it but he won't admit it.
I don’t think we will ever be able to find out their true feelings and thoughts and even if they tell us...can we really trust their words?

Yes, that is true. She was able to articulate in our first major conflict. She told me her brain breaks sometimes and she self-sabotages, it’s her trauma. I guess I thought she would be able to come back again, and not just blame and withdrawal completely. Maybe she didn’t know and that is why she just stopped. She told me at one point, “I’m a horrible person and I hate myself…I’m broken.”  A week later she would say “I know I’m great…. I live life to the fullest.” I just thought she was having a rough day but looking back I guess that was a moment of vulnerability.

[Torimagic]

Hello, and welcome!

Somebody on maybe YouTube put it well: relationships are like funnels. A healthy one is a funnel beginning with the narrow end. It broadens on the way. A relationship with a person with BPD is a funnel beginning with the broad end. It gets more narrow until there's not a needle hole letting a drop through.

It's all part of their design. The first months feel like years of heavenly bliss. You finally meet your partner in crime, your soulmate, your twin flame. You went in for a beer and they give you heroin. They do everything in their power to manipulate themselves and you to keep the looming emptiness and fear at bay. But eventually it catches up to them. It always does. The castles in the sky disperse as their inherent and contradictory fears engulf them.


WOW! That is a perfect image! Damn! Thanks for that! And it is so true! This was suppose to be my chill fun travel love from across the world. It was never suppose to be this intense. It did go from let’s have a beer to let’s buy a house and shoot heroin.