Identifying Emotional Blackmail

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone! I'm doing a lot of learning about emotional blackmail and have realized that, whoah, pretty much my entire relationship with my STBXH was all that. He used my FOG to his advantage and pulled all the possible levers to get me to acquiesce to his demands. Even after I filed for divorce and had him put out of the home, he used those levers to get me to mush my boundaries for him, to talk to him, to have dinner with him, etc.

Now, I'm more able to see it for what it is: the desperate flailing of an emotionally out of control person who knows that they are losing control over their stable "cash cow." I provided him with a house and pretty much everything he wanted. Now he has to take care of himself and he is terrified. So, what does he do? He sends text after text to try to get me to feel responsible for his feelings or to feel guilty for wanting a divorce. The thing is, now I can ask myself: Is what I have done something I need to feel guilty for doing? Am I responsible for his feelings? Clearly, the answer to both of those things is no. I can advocate for my own needs and my own wellbeing instead of always being a steward of his.

I'm only communicating with him on practical matters now, as going through the lawyers is too costly. However, we finally got him to send an appraiser out to the house, after months of feet dragging, so the settlement is nigh. Hopefully once we get that sorted, I can be free of his nonsense for good and on the road to full recovery, emotionally and financially.

[WitzEndWife]

Hi everyone! I'm doing a lot of learning about emotional blackmail and have realized that, whoah, pretty much my entire relationship with my STBXH was all that. He used my FOG to his advantage and pulled all the possible levers to get me to acquiesce to his demands. Even after I filed for divorce and had him put out of the home, he used those levers to get me to mush my boundaries for him, to talk to him, to have dinner with him, etc.

Now, I'm more able to see it for what it is: the desperate flailing of an emotionally out of control person who knows that they are losing control over their stable "cash cow." I provided him with a house and pretty much everything he wanted. Now he has to take care of himself and he is terrified. So, what does he do? He sends text after text to try to get me to feel responsible for his feelings or to feel guilty for wanting a divorce. The thing is, now I can ask myself: Is what I have done something I need to feel guilty for doing? Am I responsible for his feelings? Clearly, the answer to both of those things is no. I can advocate for my own needs and my own wellbeing instead of always being a steward of his.

I'm only communicating with him on practical matters now, as going through the lawyers is too costly. However, we finally got him to send an appraiser out to the house, after months of feet dragging, so the settlement is nigh. Hopefully once we get that sorted, I can be free of his nonsense for good and on the road to full recovery, emotionally and financially.

[I Am Redeemed]

It's an empowering feeling when you're able to recognize the tactics and not get caught up in them anymore.

You sound like you've developed some resilience 

[Rev]

Hi everyone! I'm doing a lot of learning about emotional blackmail and have realized that, whoah, pretty much my entire relationship with my STBXH was all that. He used my FOG to his advantage and pulled all the possible levers to get me to acquiesce to his demands. Even after I filed for divorce and had him put out of the home, he used those levers to get me to mush my boundaries for him, to talk to him, to have dinner with him, etc.

Now, I'm more able to see it for what it is: the desperate flailing of an emotionally out of control person who knows that they are losing control over their stable "cash cow." I provided him with a house and pretty much everything he wanted. Now he has to take care of himself and he is terrified. So, what does he do? He sends text after text to try to get me to feel responsible for his feelings or to feel guilty for wanting a divorce. The thing is, now I can ask myself: Is what I have done something I need to feel guilty for doing? Am I responsible for his feelings? Clearly, the answer to both of those things is no. I can advocate for my own needs and my own wellbeing instead of always being a steward of his.

I'm only communicating with him on practical matters now, as going through the lawyers is too costly. However, we finally got him to send an appraiser out to the house, after months of feet dragging, so the settlement is nigh. Hopefully once we get that sorted, I can be free of his nonsense for good and on the road to full recovery, emotionally and financially.

Congratulations to getting to this place.

Rev

[Notwendy]

You have made so much progress in recognizing this manipulative behavior and not getting drawn into it. You know that your role is not to be a source of cash for your ex. He is a grown adult and can/should be responsible for himself. You are not responsible for his feelings. You are taking care of you! (and you can do that- no guilt! )Good work!

[WitzEndWife]

You have made so much progress in recognizing this manipulative behavior and not getting drawn into it. You know that your role is not to be a source of cash for your ex. He is a grown adult and can/should be responsible for himself. You are not responsible for his feelings. You are taking care of you! (and you can do that- no guilt! )Good work!

Yes, exactly. I think the more distance I get, the more I get out of the FOG. It's interesting, I think I expected just to snap out of it one day, but it really has been a slow, subtle shift over time. And he is one who will try every single type of emotional blackmail. He will threaten my fear of rejection, where he says I will never hear of him again. He will play on my sense of obligation, saying he cannot go on and he cannot get a job because he is so devastated. He will try to guilt me, saying that what I did to him by putting him out of the house and re-traumatizing him was the worst thing anyone could do and that all of his friends and family think I'm a horrible person for doing it. He will minimize his role in everything, trying to gaslight me into questioning my own lived experience.

The more I practice setting boundaries and gaining distance from him, the stronger I feel. But I also see how powerful of a hold he once had on me, which is so incredibly astounding. He knew exactly how to needle into the most sensitive part of my psyche to get what he wanted. And even though I now know better and can see it for what it is, it still stings.

I hope I'll be able to help others once I come out of this on the other side. This is a lesson I will never forget.

[Cat Familiar]

Sounds like you married my ex.    It seems the script is predictable with these sorts of personalities.

You’ve made great progress in seeing your part of the dynamic! 

How is your horse? Hope you’re able to spend more time with her.

[WitzEndWife]

Sounds like you married my ex.    It seems the script is predictable with these sorts of personalities.

You’ve made great progress in seeing your part of the dynamic! 

How is your horse? Hope you’re able to spend more time with her.

The horse is good! She is super spicy now that it's getting colder. My new rescue dog is finally getting over the major hump of his heartworm treatment and we can really start working on his separation anxiety issues. I was feeling pretty depressed at not being able to go anywhere without a dog sitter, but I'll be tapering the dog off the prednisone and his meds will really start to kick in, plus he will soon be able to get more exercise and maybe be neutered, so that will all help.

I'm taking everything one day at a time and trying not to feel too overwhelmed over anything. So far, so good!