how to best help daughter

[2much4me]

Help. Since my daughter experienced a sexual assault a year ago, she is showing classic BPD tendencies.  She cannot tolerate any stress, vents constant anger toward the people who love her the most and navigating the minefield of her extremely dysregulated emotions or, when she feeling good, her attempt to avoid anything that might intrude on that relief (school, rules, homework, parents saying no, curfew) is a battle that starts he back on the warpath again.  My mom is dx'd BPD and this seems eerily familiar to me. we worry about the chaos that often ensues and esp. it's impact on our quiet, introverted 19 year old that my BPD daughter is starting to drag into this mess from time to time.  I made my daughter go to therapy but she refuses to talk about the rape there and based on limited info from the therapist, she mostly talks about her grievances against us.  We spent a lot of money on a psychiatrist after a particularly bad crisis and my daughter took the meds for 2 days and then decided she didn't want or need them anymore? Hard to get a real answer because once crisis is averted and she switches back to "im fine, leaVe me alone", she is not willing to even admit there is a problem.  MY question- I am a recovering alcoholic and I attend alanon where I learn that you cannot make people do anything and that recovery must be self-motivated.  But, my tendency on a bad day is to make her go to residential mental health program and force her to take meds. Anyone have experience with either approach? I am interested. thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Aralia]

The first order of business is preserving your own sanity and that of the other family members.  You mentioned she is in therapy--is that a therapist experienced with bpd or can they read up on treating it or get guidance from an experienced clinician?  Can she learn some dbt skills?  Maybe she is working on developing a trusting relationship with the therapist before she relives the trauma of her experience.  The fact  that she is going to therapy is great, so hopefully it is a helpful therapist.

However, residential programs are appealing.  Your daughter will be out of the house for a couple of weeks and it gives everyone a chance to breathe. With the right program she will get targeted therapy and learn new skills.  You might even find she misses you and you have lovely visits or phone calls.  But in my experience, things reverted pretty quickly after she came home.  The contracts, the toolkits--all of it went out the window after the first two days back.  The only thing that endured were the arrangements for the ongoing therapy.

But I believe your question was whether to do the 3Cs/radical acceptance and let her choose her own path or force therapy/residential programs.  You did not mention the age of your daughter.  My pwbpd is 20 years old, an age where kids make poor decisions even without bpd in the mix.  I feel she needs us to encourage her to do the things that are necessary but unpleasant.  She has exhausted us, but we do not feel our own mental health is in danger of collapsing.  So we are able to be there for support and to impose guardrails and conditions and accountability.  But there might come a day when we can't take it anymore.  Everyone has their own breaking point, and when we start to approach ours, we will have to step away.

[Sancho]

HI 2much4me
When my dd was in the teenage years I spent so much effort/money/thinking time trying to find ways to get dd some help. Medication seemed to me to help raise the bar in relation to what triggered dd's anger - can't tell you how much effort I put into trying to get her to keep taking it.

Actually it was coming here that helped me a lot in that regard. I read posts from people who had tried all the things I was trying, who had spent heaps of money in the same way I was doing - without much or any success.

It was a game changer for me. Perhaps think back to how you were able to move away from alcohol - was it because you came to that decision yourself?

I think the answer to your question is in the experience you are having so far. You have spent lots of money - only for dd to not even really try the meds

What about sitting down with dd and saying that it is clear to you that she is not going to take up the opportunities that are there at the moment, but if she does want to be supported in some way, you are there to help her find the support that she needs.

I think the mistake I made was to not communicate well with my dd, but rather I was thinking all the time about what I could do, who I could get involved etc. I should have been more up front about her need to make that choice.

I can only offer these thoughts from my own experience. Every person/situation is different and you need to trust your own instinct about what is the best for your dd. The only thing I would say is that it is important to look at what evidence you have as to what will be helpful at any given point in time. I kept wanting to find a solution; my dd didn't really want to be part of it.

Reading others' posts helped me 'let go' of being the 'fixer'.

[2much4me]

Thanks for the comments.  I updated that our daughter, just a couple months after her 18th birthday, really escalated with aggressive and strange (I suspect delusional, which she's learned not to share with us) behavior.  Culminated in her falsely accusing her Dad of molesting her since she was a baby, says she recovered as "repressed memories" conveniently after a heated argument with him where he told her that things had to change in our home. I won't get into it but she's also falsely accused her long time best friend of " psychically" molesting her, people she knows as being part of a "pedophile ring" and similar such delusions. When I tried to get her help and walk a very thin line of not invalidating her while not affirming something I know to be false, she got very upset and then "remembered" that I had sat by and allowed this to happen, even witnessing it while I "ate a sandwich". I foolishly took her to the ER, a painful and frustrating experience, where instead of doing a psych eval, they validated my daughters accusations and told her to get on medi-cal to get away from us and gave her resources. Of course, because this story serves as a "weapon" and a litmus test for all who know and love her and fail to validate this nonsense, she did not use resources or go anywhere actual help for assault victims or (despite our pleading her to do so), even press charges that would have allowed us to address the allegations. She's been "couch surfing" for about 8 months now, with contact limited to texts where she tells me that since I "did not put that pedophile in jail", she is "going to make me suffer" or texts about logistics about mail and things like that. There is some evidence perhaps she actually believes this on some level but also her absolute unwillingness to get help, press charges or go near any actual help or solution that might risk her being confronted with reality makes me wonder if she KNOWS this is a lie and is just keeping that knife to our throat.  After months of instability, she recently befriended a young women who is a year younger than her and still in HS and her mom has taken her in.  Her limited communications with us and other family, she seems a bit more stable and is apparently on her best behavior with the intention of staying with this family for an extended time (until her "friend" graduates high school). we are breathing a sigh of relief that she is at least safe but are very confused about how she can participate in another family when she was so unwilling and unable to participate in ours.   Is it possible that our whole family was just so invalidating to her that she could thrive somewhere else?  Although painful, I would rather her thrive and not have her in my life than have her struggle all her life. But, I suspect she will be able to hold it together for awhile but, as has happened with her other housing options, they will inevitably ask her to do something she does not want to do or challenge her in some way and her illness will assert itself.  This is terrible, my heart grieves for the daughter that we had for 16 years and for the pain that she has that drives this behavior, for my husband, her grandparents, the friends she's abused and anyone dealing with this type of thing. It's a protracted nightmare and endless cycle of grieving.

[CC43]

2Much,

I feel your pain. I experienced a similar situation with my diagnosed stepdaughter who told multiple stories of abuse. At first I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but over time, the details (and the inaction around reporting a crime) didn’t add up. At one point, my stepdaughter “tested out” a story of molestation by her dad, which clearly was false. He called her on it and she quickly switched tactics. Then she learned to keep details hazy, so her stories seemed more plausible.

I recommend  listening to the feelings behind the stories, not the facts. She’s probably feeling threatened, ashamed, insecure and angry. It’s just that these feelings might come from other situations—a fight with a friend, a rejection, a disappointment—and her mind is twisting the narrative to fit her feelings, while placing blame on others. Why?  Because it’s too painful to take responsibility for her plight, her feelings or actions. And if she’s self-medicating with pot or other substances, that can feed her delusions even more.

Anyway, what you describe sounds like classic BPD defense mechanisms to me.