Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 11:33:13 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: how to best help daughter  (Read 421 times)
2much4me

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 6


« on: November 15, 2022, 10:29:27 PM »

Help. Since my daughter experienced a sexual assault a year ago, she is showing classic BPD tendencies.  She cannot tolerate any stress, vents constant anger toward the people who love her the most and navigating the minefield of her extremely dysregulated emotions or, when she feeling good, her attempt to avoid anything that might intrude on that relief (school, rules, homework, parents saying no, curfew) is a battle that starts he back on the warpath again.  My mom is dx'd BPD and this seems eerily familiar to me. we worry about the chaos that often ensues and esp. it's impact on our quiet, introverted 19 year old that my BPD daughter is starting to drag into this mess from time to time.  I made my daughter go to therapy but she refuses to talk about the rape there and based on limited info from the therapist, she mostly talks about her grievances against us.  We spent a lot of money on a psychiatrist after a particularly bad crisis and my daughter took the meds for 2 days and then decided she didn't want or need them anymore? Hard to get a real answer because once crisis is averted and she switches back to "im fine, leaVe me alone", she is not willing to even admit there is a problem.  MY question- I am a recovering alcoholic and I attend alanon where I learn that you cannot make people do anything and that recovery must be self-motivated.  But, my tendency on a bad day is to make her go to residential mental health program and force her to take meds. Anyone have experience with either approach? I am interested. thanks.
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Aralia

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 37


« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2022, 02:34:24 AM »

The first order of business is preserving your own sanity and that of the other family members.  You mentioned she is in therapy--is that a therapist experienced with bpd or can they read up on treating it or get guidance from an experienced clinician?  Can she learn some dbt skills?  Maybe she is working on developing a trusting relationship with the therapist before she relives the trauma of her experience.  The fact  that she is going to therapy is great, so hopefully it is a helpful therapist.

However, residential programs are appealing.  Your daughter will be out of the house for a couple of weeks and it gives everyone a chance to breathe. With the right program she will get targeted therapy and learn new skills.  You might even find she misses you and you have lovely visits or phone calls.  But in my experience, things reverted pretty quickly after she came home.  The contracts, the toolkits--all of it went out the window after the first two days back.  The only thing that endured were the arrangements for the ongoing therapy.

But I believe your question was whether to do the 3Cs/radical acceptance and let her choose her own path or force therapy/residential programs.  You did not mention the age of your daughter.  My pwbpd is 20 years old, an age where kids make poor decisions even without bpd in the mix.  I feel she needs us to encourage her to do the things that are necessary but unpleasant.  She has exhausted us, but we do not feel our own mental health is in danger of collapsing.  So we are able to be there for support and to impose guardrails and conditions and accountability.  But there might come a day when we can't take it anymore.  Everyone has their own breaking point, and when we start to approach ours, we will have to step away.
Logged
Sancho
Ambassador
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 706


« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2022, 11:16:08 PM »

HI 2much4me
When my dd was in the teenage years I spent so much effort/money/thinking time trying to find ways to get dd some help. Medication seemed to me to help raise the bar in relation to what triggered dd's anger - can't tell you how much effort I put into trying to get her to keep taking it.

Actually it was coming here that helped me a lot in that regard. I read posts from people who had tried all the things I was trying, who had spent heaps of money in the same way I was doing - without much or any success.

It was a game changer for me. Perhaps think back to how you were able to move away from alcohol - was it because you came to that decision yourself?

I think the answer to your question is in the experience you are having so far. You have spent lots of money - only for dd to not even really try the meds

What about sitting down with dd and saying that it is clear to you that she is not going to take up the opportunities that are there at the moment, but if she does want to be supported in some way, you are there to help her find the support that she needs.

I think the mistake I made was to not communicate well with my dd, but rather I was thinking all the time about what I could do, who I could get involved etc. I should have been more up front about her need to make that choice.

I can only offer these thoughts from my own experience. Every person/situation is different and you need to trust your own instinct about what is the best for your dd. The only thing I would say is that it is important to look at what evidence you have as to what will be helpful at any given point in time. I kept wanting to find a solution; my dd didn't really want to be part of it.

Reading others' posts helped me 'let go' of being the 'fixer'.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!