Quiet/high functioning behavior

[VeronicaL]

I've posted on here prior as I move  on.  I had a 2 year relationship, which was great, if it was even real. I wonder if he just masked and mirrored himself but who knows. My biggest hurt is the way he is now...and the intrusive 'did I live a lie for 2 years?'

The only bad days in our time-- the 2 blindsides..moreseo the 2nd bc it was cold/avoidant, totally out of the blue, literally.(first was him disclosing he had a problem and can't be in a relationship..but he was distraught I thought he was depressed. We took 3 weeks apart but still close, not really breakup ).

But for #2... I think me being stuck abroad for a week over last Xmas/NY bc of covid set it off but perhaps he was deactivating a little before and that was the icing.  

However, he continued to verbalize and show love and want to be with me even hours prior to my 'on the way out the door blindside.'.  I was very happy and he said he was

Post breakup--Ignored me for 8 months  (at b/u kind of blamed me for not giving space after b/u #1 and said he needed to heal and move and he really can't be in a relationship with this--never will tell me what 'This" really is--. And is upset w me for not letting him move on. and it can't be like this anymore.)..

Of course this was all created and believed in his head. That night, I never expected we would be strangers and never talk..but I wonder if that was his plan. I assumed he imploded inside but truly just needed some space

So..after 8 months --he contacted me in text, was very engaging, to ask me a question. Ironically saw me the next day and never said hello, or acknowledged me. We are in a situation where we will see each other from time to time and also in a same social group 1-2 times weekly. I Sent a text about a week later, saying it is awkward to pretend we don't know each other, if he wanted to meet for coffee so it is not weird anymore. He said that he does not really want to do that. So..he continues to pretend I don't exist, never existed, after almost 2 years togehter and friends for 3. Does not even really look me in the eye

I am not blocked, has me on maps, likes and watch my social media, and...has a pic of 'us' on a link on his profile page.

I wondered these few things.

Do pwBPD typically break up like this while  NOT move on to another person?  I know he is keeping himelf very busy but no other gf/hookup... Like he broke up I don't believe for someone else.

Is it normal to 'erase' someone like this, or do they eventually see someone like me differently?

He is acting to everyone else --he is completely fine. Not sure if it is a coincidence, but he also joined social activities that are my interests.  

IS this whole scenario and esp post breakup behavior normal for BPD? (the ignoring in the same social setting or walking by me on the street and no cordiality).  Do pwBPD ever have it kind of mildly like this? Does it get worse w time?

I am not sure he knows what is wrong..but obv knows something is. Do pwbpd break up just bc of their own internal feelings OR really  not wanting to hurt the person (Bc he did once say to me..I dont want to break you too and bring you down w this problem having me.  It's not fair, it's selfish. It's going to keep interfering)

I should add he got rid of me, his pet, and his best friend within about 3-4 months. (me and the pet the same month). He also told me in the beginning he is not good w being vulnerable. But wants to be w me. And he was, and he was trying. I saw that. Till one day he couldn't bc he said I can't be how I want to be.
Just looking back reflecting...I have never reached out not bc I didn't want to..but bc I don't even /didn't even know what to say
Thank you...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi It sounds like you're still thinking about him. I assume you're wanting to get back together with him as you're posting on the Bettering boards. I think all you can do is be direct with him and ask. After that, the ball is in his court and it may be best to live your life at that point. If it's uncomfortable seeing him, maybe find other weekly groups. This article may be of interest as you move forward. Good luck.

[VeronicaL]

Thanks for responding. No. Actually I am not wanting to get back togehter with him like this. (I had another very odd incident yesterday). Not like this. He has to be trying to help himself. I am very sad tho about the loss.

I'm definitely NOT finding other weekly groups. It is dance..it has always been 'my thing' but suddenly he has decided to try my thing. That fine..but I would have expected some form of cordiality. I mean I was the one dumped. If I can do it 10 months out I would think can..Consdiering breakup must have been on his mind long before I knew ANYTHING about it.

It is to the point where asking won't make any difference- I am not even sure he is all there or even knows what he is feeling at this point. I am resigned to perhaps not ever knowing.

He is so good at hiding most won't even know he has an issue happening.