Realized it Too Late

[chemist52]

Hello, this is my first thread so not sure how this is going to go.

I was with my ex on and off for 3 1/2 years. Until this last break up about a month ago, I never truly understood where the pushing and pulling came from, the paranoia, the impulsive behavior, the self-sabotage, identity issues, the splitting and fear of abandonment came from.

About a month ago he called me saying he was questioning everything. This was the first time I heard of a struggle or issue. About 45 minutes into the phone call, he said "I love you", which I was confused about because I love you is not a question to me but when I inquired further it only stressed him out, so I said I love you too. Immediately afterwards I got texts asking me to come over that weekend and to stay as long as I wanted. We talked about how much we loved each other and the odds of how we would be together the rest of our lives. That weekend was normal, picked pumpkins, watched football, made dinner, being very loving and romantic. No behavior to indicate there was an issue. The next morning, he had a therapy appointment, which he told me to get out of the house for, which unsettled me. When I came back, he was normal again, and was for most of the day until I asked him how his appointment went. It was like a light switch went out and I was hearing someone else talk. It was back to I am questioning everything, and we should sleep in separate rooms tonight when not 10 minutes ago he loved me. The next day, I was dumped, and I blocked him from everything. Felt like a punch to the gut, and as much as I did not want to, I could not be around someone who was not themselves. I knew he would slip and lose everything.

It has been a month, and when a friend of ours tried to clear a fear my ex had, he went on a multi paragraph tirade of how people are talking about him and there is only one side to the story. Not once was there a mention of how much he messed up that day. Reading that shattered me, I lost my best friend to himself again. There is not a day that goes by where I do not miss him. It hurts to know there was nothing I could have done to have gotten a different outcome. It felt like being with two different people, and as much as I love Jekyll, I do not want to be around Hyde. Everyone who knew him (he blocked pretty much everyone) all thinks he has BPD including my counselor. I just wish I knew then what I knew now. But even then, I do not think that would have helped him. I do not understand how I went from the best to the worst to the best to the worst in less than 72 hours.

I do not know what I am looking for. Maybe for someone to tell me I am not going crazy, that I did not do anything wrong. I remember him saying before how he fears abandonment, but he can't not have me; it's his disease. How he saw me as several different versions of myself, that he does not think he will find anyone who cares and understands him like I do, that he would not have blamed me if I left. Leaving was not an option to me. I do not walk out on people I refer to as my family. Maybe in this case that was my mistake. Everyone has told him before how much of an idiot he would be if he let me go.

I am not sure how many people relate to this. It is hard loving someone who part of them loves you, and the other part hates themselves so much that they ruin those that love them. I wish I could take this away, but I cannot. I can only heal myself.

I hope one day, whether it is in this life or the next, we will find each other again. He was my best friend and better half, my soulmate.

How did you get through something like this? 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arjay]

..."I am not sure how many people relate to this..."

Many, many of us can relate, as it is the nature of a relationship with a BPD partner.

As you mentioned it has been an on-and-off 3 1/2 year relationship, are you still considering trying to "better things"; to reverse your decision to "detach"?

The ups and downs; the love-hate; leaving-staying; detaching-re-engaging is the very nature of these relationships.  Sadly most of us didn't understand this, until we were often beaten-down; emotionally-spent and finally looking for answers for behavior that simply made no sense.  Even if we were reasonably-emotionally-healthy coming into the relationship, inevitably we often found ourselves in counseling, because we were unable to cope.  Like you, many felt their partner was truly a "soul-mate", so it intensified the despair we often felt, when things were really bad.

It is a huge emotional committment to engage in these types of relationships, and for most of us, we not only didn't have the "tools", but didn't really understand BPD.  It's not a typical relationship because there is "no emotional middle ground"; their emotions simply don't work that way.  Every thing you experienced "is" a typical relationship with a partner suffering from this disorder.  There are things we can do to not make it worse, and things we can do to better cope (boundaries, etc), but in the absence of our partner getting help, likely they will never change, nor understand.  "From happiness to complete despair". It is how things typically go for the "non".

I would "suggest" staying detached for now, until you are more grounded and have had ample time to read and post here; possibly even considering counseling, to help you get to a better "emotional place".  Some people decide to stay in their relationship and "try again", using the tools they learned while here.  Other's see a pattern in their relationship that is mirrored in the many posts, making the decision to permanently go "NC", even though it can be a very protracted process.  For the latter individuals, they make the committment to "get off the merry-go-round".

All the Best

[chemist52]

Reading everyone's stories has been very eye-opening and powerful. I feel sorry that so many people are in the same boat I am. Long term, I am not sure what to do. I have been trying to take it a day at a time. I have blocked him a month ago without telling him and have not made any attempt to contact since. I will not talk or be with someone who is not actively seeking treatment. He has bipolar 2, but it has made me question whether that was a misdiagnosis since unfortunately that happens quite a bit with men. I have a mother with very severe bipolar 1, and her swings felt far different than his. Much more slow, predictable, and less variations in the moods themselves.

I have also been reading and taking notes on a book my counselor recommended, and I see them weekly. It has helped me understand the mind of someone with borderline. I have been used to people being in and out of my life, but not this intensely. It has been a lot to process: I was with two people in the same body. I read a quote that made me bawl. "It is like watching your loved one die and come back as someone you did not know". He has even said before "You're special, I wouldn't have blamed you if you left," and that was early on too. Leaving was not an option for me. To me, he was worth it. Their emotions are their feelings, whether based in reality or not. I used to think I was going crazy, like how was I your favorite person 10 minutes ago, yet I ask one question and I'm debated being kicked out again. He was always afraid of conflict and arguments so was never angry or destructive. He is afraid to insult a butterfly. However, he is the most fearful person I have ever know, and that fear has the tightest grip on him. I never understood how one could question everything yet talk about getting a future tattoo of me and our future family. With this illness I now get it. It is not that they love a part of me, but that a part of them loves me. "More than fifty percent of the time I like you". Now I know what the other less than fifty percent is: Edward Hyde.

It was hard to help someone who did not communicate with me. What has also helped was realizing this has nothing to do with me. That I could have been 100 times worse, and the result still would have been the same. I am innocent, and everyone knows it. I used to think my stepmom was crazy every time she got back with my mom. Her reason was always "I love your mother, and I know who she is". She does not sound so crazy to me anymore. It felt like the floor got ripped from under me. Everyone says one day he will realize he made one of the worst mistakes of his life. If that day happens, I will know how to respond. I did not know then what I know now. I was never afraid of losing him to anyone except himself.

Thank you so much for your advice, it means a lot! I am just doing me right now and being the best person to myself as I can be. I am sorry you have also experienced something similar. You did not deserve it. Wishing you the best as well!

[arjay]

Everyone says one day he will realize he made one of the worst mistakes of his life..."

Their ability to move-on and adapt surpassed what certainly was true for me (and so many others).  I am wondering if those comments came from people that do not understand BPD.  It's not that we were the best and our partner will forever lament the loss.  It's more like them "flipping a switch" and all history of all we did; all the love and kindness is something they no longer even ponder; it's as if, it never happened.

BTW, there is a great song (Hope Sandoval) called "The Spoils".  The words reflect the feelings we often had

All the Best

[chemist52]

At least with me he couldn’t. He hated the thought of me with someone else, and every time he’d pull away would say how much he missed me, even begged to hang out with him. I have heard of stories of some people with BPD moving on immediately but I never saw that with him. That’s what I noticed too. 3 days after this last break up he told our friends separately what happened. All of them said he sounded like an automated voice message and not himself at all. There was no mentioned of I loved her or I’m sorry I did this to her again. Talked about me like he knew me 3 days not 3 years. He’s lost, and no one can help him except him as he’s cut everyone off he thinks is out to get him. I’ll give that song a listen, but the lyrics sound so emotional. You too!