BPD Husband of 6 years left without goodbye

[Luna10]

Hi everybody,

I am new here. Was looking for a place to find some answers and support because my current situation is quite hard to understand and cope with. I am married to my untreated BPD husband for 6 years next month. We have had quite the turbulence in our marriage. More about that later, but for now, let me explain my current situation. My husband and I have been living together for the last 6 years and have been in a relationship for 7 years. Last week I went to the soccer training of my son. When we came back home, my husband had left. I couldn't believe it. He had left many times before, but never without an announcement. Usually when we had been in an argument he would pack his suitcase and leave the house. He is not from here, he lives away from his country, so he used to go to a hotel. It used to drive me crazy and I always ended up contacting him. When I didn't, after a while he was the one contacting me. Never to apologize, but he probably knew I was gonna start a conversation with him and asking him to please come back. The last time he left was in June. He rented a room in the town we live in and after some messages between us (me begging him to talk and him telling me it was over for  good) he came back and we started over. Anyway, this time it seems different. Around two months ago he was not in a good place. Quit his job after only two months and stayed home. He didn't seem interested to look for another job and it caused some tension between us. He started to be distant. Mentally and physically. I asked him what was going on. He told me he felt bored. And empty. That he didn't feel anything. He said he hoped he would feel better. Five weeks later he still felt the same. It started to frustrate me and I asked him to try to have a walk, do some sports, do something nice together. He refused. In this period he kept offering to leave the house for a while, rent a room again and come back when he felt better. I told him of course not, we are married, I love you and we will go through this together. The night before he left we had an argument about him being distant. He said that he would leave me to cool down and left to the bedroom. He stayed there and when he came out a few hours later, to get a snack from the kitchen, I asked him why he kept staying away from me. I asked him what he was doing here, with me, if he seemed to not like to be around me. He said, I can leave, I offered you that. Me, tired of him talking about leaving everyday, said "fine, if that is what you want I can not stop you". Next day he seemed better. Later that day I went to soccer training with my son. When I came back home he was gone. Left. Took all his belongings and was gone. I was so upset and sad that apparently he had done it again that I didn't call him. I waited for him to reach out since him leaving without saying anything, to me or the kids, was something I couldn't comprehend at that moment. One week later I heard that he had gone back to his home country, to stay with his parents. I felt sick to my stomach. He flew back to his family without telling me? Without goodbye? We had a house here, a life here. My kids, who grew up with him and loved him, didn't even have the chance to say goodbye? I wrote him. Told him that he left again, something he promised this summer to never do again. Wrote him that I love him, that I don't understand what happened, wanted to give him some time and expected he would reach out or come to the house. A long message. In which I told him I was so sad, that I thought we would stay together, especially since he had been telling me this only two months ago. That leaving me this summer taught him that he doesn't want to live without me. That he wants us to be good together because he wants to grow old with me and never be away from me anymore. He replied to me in a very short and cold message: I divorced you (where he lives this would technically be possible, for a man to divorce his wife in just a day), officially and when I have the papers I will send them to you. I have been a total mess ever since. Didn't reply because I was too shocked. Next month we would be married 6 years and without any warning, any conversation, he divorced me? After telling me not too long ago that I was the love of his life and he would never hurt me again or leave me?

Sorry for my long and maybe messy message. I am quite confused at the moment. Anyone experienced something similar here? And would he really divorce me without any warning or chance on reconciliation? He has been threatening to divorce me many times, over the years. Last year only he left also for 6 weeks to his home country, blocked me one day after he arrived (after a very loving departure) and told me he started the divorce procedure. This summer the same. He told me he started the divorce procedure. But he never told me "he divorced me". How to deal with this?

Thanks for reading and I hope to find some answers and I hope we can support each other here.

Greetings,

[once removed]

wow.

how heartbreaking. how are you holding up?

i think the thing about a relationship that has multiple threats of a breakup is that they erode the relationship over time, and theyre like testing the waters...they make it a little bit easier to follow through.

on the other hand, could he change his mind again? he could. he may. you should understand that if he does, and youre amenable to taking him back, this has done major damage over time, you would, understandably, harbor a great deal of hurt, and trust would be pretty shattered.

in the event that he doesnt, have you spoken with a lawyer?

[RisingAboveAll]

i'm so sorry to hear this. please start your grieving process and do whatever it is you need to do, to say goodbye once and for all. protect your heart. your suffering is understood.

[Torimagic]

I’m really sorry you are going through this again. That is devastating! It seems he has a pattern that becomes more dramatic overtime of the push/pull dynamic. It seems if he did come back it would be incredibly hard to trust him. I hope you are able to find closure with him or without. My ex also lives in another country and it seems so impossible with the distance and less accessible.

[BPDEnjoyer]

Well, what you should do is accept that this marriage is over.  My ex ghosted me after 7 years just like that.  Not even a word. 

Your husband felt empty and will likely date other people at home since BPD can't be alone due to their black hole.  Just think, you just dodge a bullet. 

[Luna10]

Hi Torrimagic,

Thank you so much for your reply. Sorry to hear about your ex and that he also lives in another country. Yes that makes it more difficult. Or maybe not, maybe I am just kidding myself and it would be the same if he still lived here in the area. You are right. He has this pattern that has become worse and worse. He already left me one time in the hotel when I was visiting him! He disagreed about the clothes that I was wearing, said some bad things and left me there for a day by myself. I ignored this major red flag  .. After we married and moved into our news house, he also left me after two days, because "he felt that I was not happy"( I was exhausted after flying to his country to travel back with him (visa requirement), driving 4 hours going and coming and moving houses). He packed his suitcase and left. I went after him, and this started to be the beginning of a push-pull dynamics, apparently. I cannot count the number of times that he left. And came back.. The thing is.. If you have a history like this, you always feel in the back of your mind that he will come back, just like every other time. But the thing is also.. This is no way of living. I have been reading much recently about trauma bonding and the fact that I accept this behavior should tell me that I have things to work on.. But you are right, the pattern gets worse every time he leaves and come back. But this is the worst of all of them. No word to me when he left, not trying to contact me at all.. Is this what they call the final discard? Thank you for your reaction!

[Luna10]

wow.

how heartbreaking. how are you holding up?

i think the thing about a relationship that has multiple threats of a breakup is that they erode the relationship over time, and theyre like testing the waters...they make it a little bit easier to follow through.

on the other hand, could he change his mind again? he could. he may. you should understand that if he does, and youre amenable to taking him back, this has done major damage over time, you would, understandably, harbor a great deal of hurt, and trust would be pretty shattered.

in the event that he doesnt, have you spoken with a lawyer?

Hi Once Removed,

Thank you so much for your reply. Well, at the moment I am not doing so well. I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that he could do that, just walk away without a word.. He has done this many times before over the years, but usually he left after an argument. Never like this. Last year he left to his home country, blocked me after one day, unblocked me again after 3 days. I have usually been the one calling him, asking him for an explanation. Trying to make him change his mind (yes I know, it sounds so desperate, I really just wanted to save our marriage and couldn't really believe what was happening). And until this time, he always started to change his mind. Told me "I still love you, I also miss you, I wanna come back to you". Never sorry though. I did speak to a lawyer. But it seems complicated, since he is now in another country. He said he will send me the papers, but so far I have not seen any papers or get any confirmation of a divorce application. Thank you for your reply!
Posted on: November 27, 2022, 02:53:00 AM

[Luna10]

Well, what you should do is accept that this marriage is over.  My ex ghosted me after 7 years just like that.  Not even a word. 

Your husband felt empty and will likely date other people at home since BPD can't be alone due to their black hole.  Just think, you just dodge a bullet. 

Hi BPDEnjoyer,
Thanks for your answer. Sorry to hear you went through a similar situation. Yes I read this phrase a lot now; "you dodged a bullet". I hope I will be able to look at it like this soon enough..

[Luna10]

i'm so sorry to hear this. please start your grieving process and do whatever it is you need to do, to say goodbye once and for all. protect your heart. your suffering is understood.

Hello RisingAboveAll,
Thank you. Yes I am starting to feel that I need to start grieving because it seems that it is over for good. I should have been the one ending this marriage a long time ago. But I was not able to, to be honest. I really loved him and his coming backs made me feel that he loved me equally. He was good in giving me the silence treatment, his verbal attacks out of nowhere were terrible, his jealousy, his controlling ways, him going from "you are the love of my life and I cannot ever live without you and anything I say during a fight, I don't mean it, " to "I was never happy in this marriage, it has been terrible since the beginning", it made me start to doubt myself. I started to read about BPD and it all made sense. I tried to talk to him about it and he told me that it could very well be that he has BPD but that he "didn't care, it was not his problem and he could very well live with it without therapy".. His father used to leave them also every few months, hat gambling problems and my husband grew up resenting all the rejection in his family. But he kinda is doing the same to me and us now. I just wish I could have some kind of closure, together with him. I actually had a call with him a few days ago. When I wrote him I am looking for a lawyer, he called me right away and started to scream at me. I could not calm him down, he seemed so angry and told me he already arranged the divorce, he will send me the papers when they are ready and when I told him that he cannot get divorced by himself, it will not be acknowledged here (I asked the embassy), he started to scream even more. So now I am kinda in the dark about whether he applied for divorce or not (he lied to me about this one year ago also, when he left to his country and stayed there for 6 weeks). But in this period I also called him and asked him to not be like this, not throw away our marriage like this and then he calmed down and started to slowly shift back to telling me he misses me and he wants to come back.. But this time really seems different. Anyway, thank you for your answer!