Dominoes, starting to thrive again

[AlmostRyan]

Hi all,

I haven't posted to this board in a long time. Now I post here after divorce, looking at the bigger picture of the last decade. I still have work to do, but I have learned a lot. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe it will help me. Am I thriving yet? I feel I am sometimes. I don't experience anxiety any more. At least not in the normal sense. I have a long time crush, but that is so complicated. Is it realistic? Did I say too much to her too soon? I have to keep patient. Real love can take so long. Oh so long. What's real? Who is real?

Here's what I know happened. It's real at least because of that. Here goes.

Loving husband and father of two. (One still in the oven at the time.) Happy, as far as I knew.

Not long before, my mom got very sick. I was always quite close to her.

My wife of a decade and a half criticized her for how she handled her diagnosis.

Mom fought bravely for nearly a decade before succumbing to her disease, having barely met our first child.

Then my wife criticized me for how I grieved. I had gone numb, but slowly I felt it over the next few years. While I helped raise child number two. Taking a lot of time off work to bond with the new baby as I had done before. Handling the earnings, while my wife became a stay-at-home-mom.

I found myself again, and I recovered. After crying. Crying a lot. Learning how to cry again. Getting stronger. Did that trigger my wife? Was she scared of my newfound self? The one who won't be kicked in the privates by a small child while his wife sits on the couch and does nothing? While I lay on the ground, crying in pain? Was I still a man? This was the tipping point. The children must not keep on that path. I cannot allow them to be like their mother. It must stop with me.

Eventually my wife had an emotional affair with a male friend, flying out of state, despite my protest. She proceeded to do it in front of our kids. Said to them "don't tell any of your friends about it" and that daddy "shouldn't dump his feelings on his kids" by telling them what mommy did wasn't ok.

Soon she put it together than I would not tolerate being treated like that and she filed for divorce. And just before she did, COVID hit. I stood firm. Staying in the same house wasn't going to fly. I took time off from work and bought out her half of the house right as the Ukraine war started and drove up lending rates. I almost couldn't afford it. The divorce paperwork alone was nightmarish. And losing so much of your income? Your savings? Lawyers unavoidable, but no courtroom. Half and half on everything divisible, including custody. If only it was more like the half and half in coffee! I can laugh as all this is going on. Humor kept me going.

I took more time off work after the kids got COVID and quarantined them myself for a whole month. I used up all the pandemic care and then ate into my own time.

Thankfully the migraines at the end of that haven't been back and I never did get COVID.

Then, right as I got my performance review at work for that year I was accused of mismanaging my time off. Of not providing enough output to a client. All lies, they provided no evidence, I did. My client was happy with my work output, had no complaints. Were they even talking to my client? Didn't matter, they had their own narrative. Evidence is ignored. Facts are ignored. More abusers. More traps set. Why again? Another abuser? This one I was assigned to! Didn't pick them! Fed to the wolves! But by now I see it a mile away. I now have boundaries. I set them. I enforce them.

HR was no help in the allegations, except I got a new manager. My career is still in free fall. I am working on stopping the bleeding. I'm exhausted. But I sleep soundly. I know myself. I know who dwells in me.

My kids love me, and respect me much more now. I'm more assertive but fair. At home and at work.

I keep fighting for truth. I wish the abusers well, hold them accountable, dispel their hypocrisy, and hate their behavior. Nobody else will, at least not for a long time. I still have damage to repair. I was never a domino. I didn't stay down. It took every ounce of strength I could find to get back up time and time again. I am staying mostly on my feet now, more activities are coming back. For the first time, I can post here again without feeling like I should be doing something else. This is more important, at least right now.

[Rev]

Hey Ryan,

Thanks for that wonderful testimony. I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I had read it.

Hang in there. Keep on being true to yourself. You are more than worth it. It can be hard to find yourself when you are caught in one of these relationships because, well, how do you explain what is happening to those around you? None of it makes sense to a person who has never been there. So, yes, setting your own boundaries and knowing who dwells in you, as you put it so well, is the path to healing.

Thanks again.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[SaltyDawg]

I read it too.  It's a struggle.  I am not there yet, but there is definite potential for it.

[AlmostRyan]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I have found a lot of peace of strength I never knew before in my adult life, although I have to acknowledge that I still get very angry or sad sometimes and just being seen and heard from those who understand means a lot. I appreciate it. For awhile I denied that I needed to share. I can't just say I was too busy or that I was healed. I'm better though, every day. I hope for others to get better every day too, even if it is bit by bit.

I have also seen it said, "backwards movement is only an illusion." It reminds me that as we take time to heal, even as we may miss an opportunity or remain in other unfavorable places, we are growing and becoming stronger. That is a struggle for sure, uncomfortable at times, yet I think of it as forward momentum.

I'd also say that I feel more of a tailwind now, vs. a constant headwind. That's hard to explain. Maybe it's just a subtle perspective shift, or belief, or understanding, or all of those things.