Realization of long-term passive-aggressive behavior on their part

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I suddenly realized my ex with BPD feigned incompetence during our relationship and often used it as a front to be passive-aggressive towards me.

For example, I got her a gift card for a massage parlor. She went and then told me about the experience in a stilted way, emphasizing the fact that the massagist was a male one. The discussion went something like this:

"I had the massage! It was great, I feel so relaxed now."
"Great to hear! I'm glad you had such a positive experience."
"Yeah! He was really good. I felt a little awkward at first, but he was so nice and professional."

I then proceeded to ask her why didn't she just book a female massagist as she admitted to feeling awkward with a male one. She told me she didn't want to "go through the hassle".

The hassle of clicking a drop-down menu open, and then clicking on an obvious female name.

Two clicks.

There were other cases too. When I asked about something like what I described above, she would tell me she had no idea. Or that she was tired, ill or just ditzy. In general, I started to assume her condition just made her... incompetent. The same person who had held a stable job for years and was about to go up the corporate ladder. I just bought it.

[Tupla Sport]

I suddenly realized my ex with BPD feigned incompetence during our relationship and often used it as a front to be passive-aggressive towards me.

For example, I got her a gift card for a massage parlor. She went and then told me about the experience in a stilted way, emphasizing the fact that the massagist was a male one. The discussion went something like this:

"I had the massage! It was great, I feel so relaxed now."
"Great to hear! I'm glad you had such a positive experience."
"Yeah! He was really good. I felt a little awkward at first, but he was so nice and professional."

I then proceeded to ask her why didn't she just book a female massagist as she admitted to feeling awkward with a male one. She told me she didn't want to "go through the hassle".

The hassle of clicking a drop-down menu open, and then clicking on an obvious female name.

Two clicks.

There were other cases too. When I asked about something like what I described above, she would tell me she had no idea. Or that she was tired, ill or just ditzy. In general, I started to assume her condition just made her... incompetent. The same person who had held a stable job for years and was about to go up the corporate ladder. I just bought it.

[kells76]

Hi Tupla Sport,

I suddenly realized my ex with BPD feigned incompetence during our relationship and often used it as a front to be passive-aggressive towards me. ... When I asked about something like what I described above, she would tell me she had no idea. Or that she was tired, ill or just ditzy. In general, I started to assume her condition just made her... incompetent. The same person who had held a stable job for years and was about to go up the corporate ladder. I just bought it.

This stood out to me in your reflection on your xBPD, because it's something that I've dealt with regarding my H's kids' mom over the years (she has many BPD type traits). While she would present herself as a "strong, liberated, modern, competent woman", and an "amazing, gifted, skilled parent", somehow, when it came to adhering to the parenting schedule, she "couldn't force the kids to come over". Dr. Craig Childress (a licensed clinical psychologist) has noticed a theme of "selective incompetence" with borderline-organized pathogenic parents, where the parent can and does enforce any number of normal parenting requirements (go to school, brush your teeth, time for bed, etc), but "simply cannot" follow the parenting time schedule. If you're interested in a deep dive, you can check out page 21 of his article on Pathogenic Parenting and the Attachment System. Lots of interesting stuff in there on the attachment system and disorganized/dysfunctional attachment schema, and how it impacts certain areas of life (in the case of the article, parenting, but in your case, random yet somewhat intimate interactions).

So, it's interesting to me that "selective incompetence", which I'd only thought of in terms of pathogenic parenting, is something that other members have noticed with their BPD SO's in non-parenting situations.

...

What need do you thing your ex was meeting for herself, whether conscious or subconscious, through selective/situational incompetence?

[Tupla Sport]

Hi Tupla Sport,

This stood out to me in your reflection on your xBPD, because it's something that I've dealt with regarding my H's kids' mom over the years (she has many BPD type traits). While she would present herself as a "strong, liberated, modern, competent woman", and an "amazing, gifted, skilled parent", somehow, when it came to adhering to the parenting schedule, she "couldn't force the kids to come over". Dr. Craig Childress (a licensed clinical psychologist) has noticed a theme of "selective incompetence" with borderline-organized pathogenic parents, where the parent can and does enforce any number of normal parenting requirements (go to school, brush your teeth, time for bed, etc), but "simply cannot" follow the parenting time schedule. If you're interested in a deep dive, you can check out page 21 of his article on Pathogenic Parenting and the Attachment System. Lots of interesting stuff in there on the attachment system and disorganized/dysfunctional attachment schema, and how it impacts certain areas of life (in the case of the article, parenting, but in your case, random yet somewhat intimate interactions).

So, it's interesting to me that "selective incompetence", which I'd only thought of in terms of pathogenic parenting, is something that other members have noticed with their BPD SO's in non-parenting situations.

...

What need do you thing your ex was meeting for herself, whether conscious or subconscious, through selective/situational incompetence?

Interesting.

Her having quiet type BPD, I think she primarily did it to avoid looking incompetent and to garner sympathy. In the vein of "oh you, I'll show you how it's done." Situations like that also allowed her to shower me with praise and to lovebomb in a sense. "Oh you're so clever, I would have never figured that out."

It was so prevalent that when she did do something that involved problem-solving and some skill it often impressed me. I think it's a fairly common mode for people with extremely low self-esteem: they pretend they're clueless and unambitious and so when they DO achieve anything it looks all the more impressive. I used to do this too when I was younger.

There were things she was more comfortable with doing and would do them with much aplomb however. The whole dichotomy also correlated with her well-being. When having a gloomy period she would be more inclined to avoid doing... things. But that is fairly common with people struggling with health in general.

In general she told me that she doesn't solve problems per say but instead "weathers" them.

[SinisterComplex]

Interesting.

Her having quiet type BPD, I think she primarily did it to avoid looking incompetent and to garner sympathy. In the vein of "oh you, I'll show you how it's done." Situations like that also allowed her to shower me with praise and to lovebomb in a sense. "Oh you're so clever, I would have never figured that out."

It was so prevalent that when she did do something that involved problem-solving and some skill it often impressed me. I think it's a fairly common mode for people with extremely low self-esteem: they pretend they're clueless and unambitious and so when they DO achieve anything it looks all the more impressive. I used to do this too when I was younger.

There were things she was more comfortable with doing and would do them with much aplomb however. The whole dichotomy also correlated with her well-being. When having a gloomy period she would be more inclined to avoid doing... things. But that is fairly common with people struggling with health in general.

In general she told me that she doesn't solve problems per say but instead "weathers" them.

It is fascinating how some people play that game. However, sometimes some actually are quite well aware of what is going on and what they are doing. Other times though our scanners can be way off base and looking for something in the in-between that is not necessarily there.

Now as for that last line...that is a loaded one if I have ever heard one. The I weather storms says I am a survivor and I will do what I have to do. While the phrasing sounds relatively innocent...there is much more behind the scenes at play. Those with disordered behavior know how to survive...piss poor coping mechanisms be damned. Sometimes they will even create the drama and the chaos because that is the only way they know how to survive. In a sense...they are stuck in the calm before the storm mode. They fear the storm is always coming so they have to disrupt the calm to make the storm so they feel more in control and at peace (yes the ultimate paradox).

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Tupla Sport]

It is fascinating how some people play that game. However, sometimes some actually are quite well aware of what is going on and what they are doing. Other times though our scanners can be way off base and looking for something in the in-between that is not necessarily there.

Now as for that last line...that is a loaded one if I have ever heard one. The I weather storms says I am a survivor and I will do what I have to do. While the phrasing sounds relatively innocent...there is much more behind the scenes at play. Those with disordered behavior know how to survive...piss poor coping mechanisms be damned. Sometimes they will even create the drama and the chaos because that is the only way they know how to survive. In a sense...they are stuck in the calm before the storm mode. They fear the storm is always coming so they have to disrupt the calm to make the storm so they feel more in control and at peace (yes the ultimate paradox).

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Yes, I agree. The constant survival mode probably resonates with my ADHD brain. She was a real dopamine dispenser for me. And still is, two months after the breakup.

It's immensely difficult to have people understand why you would stay in a relationship like that. I even had to tell my therapist that well, I kind of enjoy the negative sides too on some levels and it beats the boring calm before a dopamine hit. After realizing this I started making my life more exciting and it has helped immensely.