Need talking off the ledge

[Dad50]

So this place literally saved me about a year and a half ago. It helped me end the 6 year nightmare of a relationship. It has been about a year and half, but the recurring, obsessive thoughts were so hard to overcome. I quit drinking 25+ years ago, and quitting my BPD ex was 10 times harder. That chemical, visceral, magnetic pull is so tough. I have been no contact, blocking on  all social media, phones blocked, texts blocked, etc. I did leave my e-mai unblocked.

So, 1.5 years later, I get an e-mail. One of the things that we did as a couple as a shared value and activity was political activism. My ex is now running for city council representing the ward we both still live in. She e-mailed me asking for help to be a delegate for her as well as introducing her to my connections in the community.

Bear in mind, one of her threats when we were together is that if I ever broke up with her and tried to enter public service she would destroy my reputation. Now she is asking for my help. I don't want to be petty. Mainly I am a wimp about conflict and boundaries, which was always part of the problem. All of those stupid, obsessive thoughts are coming back.

Maybe she has changed. Maybe it was my fault. She is still super hot.

I am kind of a jack ass because I am in a committed relationship now with a relatively normal person. It has been a breath of fresh are. The woman I am with is wonderful. She has mental health issues but acknowledges them and gets weekly therapy and is not abusive. I feel terrible because my new girlfriend is a wonderful person I could spend a life with, but still achingly attracted to the woman who utterly destroyed my life. I had finally gotten rid of the obsessive ruminations. Ugggghhh

[Go3737]

IMHO you should not get involved.
Let her know you will vote for her but politely decline involvement in her campaign or getting your community involved.

You survived intact and have a new lovely calm and peaceful life. Don't blow it for some dredged up trauma bond crap.

[kells76]

Hi Dad50, good to hear from you again. Sounds like the latest email has brought up a lot for you.

...

What do you think the impact would be on your current relationship, were you to get involved with your ex in this way?

...

What do you think would happen if you:

-replied to the email with Yes?

-replied to the email with No (as Go3737 suggests)?

-did not reply to the email at all?

All of those are options.

...

What is it like for you to sit with feelings that have been pre-framed as "being petty" or "being selfish" or "being mean"? Is it uncomfortable? Tolerable? Other?

...

Hope this can jump-start some discussion for you.

[SinisterComplex]

So this place literally saved me about a year and a half ago. It helped me end the 6 year nightmare of a relationship. It has been about a year and half, but the recurring, obsessive thoughts were so hard to overcome. I quit drinking 25+ years ago, and quitting my BPD ex was 10 times harder. That chemical, visceral, magnetic pull is so tough. I have been no contact, blocking on  all social media, phones blocked, texts blocked, etc. I did leave my e-mai unblocked.

So, 1.5 years later, I get an e-mail. One of the things that we did as a couple as a shared value and activity was political activism. My ex is now running for city council representing the ward we both still live in. She e-mailed me asking for help to be a delegate for her as well as introducing her to my connections in the community.

Bear in mind, one of her threats when we were together is that if I ever broke up with her and tried to enter public service she would destroy my reputation. Now she is asking for my help. I don't want to be petty. Mainly I am a wimp about conflict and boundaries, which was always part of the problem. All of those stupid, obsessive thoughts are coming back.

Maybe she has changed. Maybe it was my fault. She is still super hot.

I am kind of a jack ass because I am in a committed relationship now with a relatively normal person. It has been a breath of fresh are. The woman I am with is wonderful. She has mental health issues but acknowledges them and gets weekly therapy and is not abusive. I feel terrible because my new girlfriend is a wonderful person I could spend a life with, but still achingly attracted to the woman who utterly destroyed my life. I had finally gotten rid of the obsessive ruminations. Ugggghhh

D50, still here. I am pretty sure you know my thoughts here. However, I am going to reinforce you here...H to the E to the Double L NO! Do not pass go, Do not Collect $200.

I know you are not a confrontational type and I know boundaries are not your strong suit. However, please protect yourself here my friend. No telling me you cannot do it. YES YOU CAN. You deserve good things so don't F up the good thing you have. Even having contact with the ex is not the best course of action for you because you cannot have strong enough boundaries to protect yourself and it will lead to you ending up getting crushed all over again.

She did not change. She is still the same person who would use you and trample all over you for her own personal gain and then dispose of you as though you were a pawn. This pattern of behavior will not change. Please remind yourself of the hell she put you through and how she tormented you.

Just be indifferent. Do not support your ex, but also do not disparage your ex. She doesn't matter anymore. Let her go. Only YOU and your new wonderful partner are what matter.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[imstillhere89]

I would stay no contact. Ignore her email.

[GaGrl]

No good can come of contacting her.

[yellowbutterfly]

NO CONTACT ! You can do it

[Turkish]

What's in it for you? I asked myself this when my ex asked to come back after leaving me for a young stud, marrying him, and the result being a predictable mess of epic proportions. This isn't a selfish question.

Though the character wasn't presented as BPD, I'm reminded of this quote from the new Netflix show, Wednesday:

'I'm not friend material, let alone more-than-friend material. I will ignore you, stomp on your heart, and always put my needs and interests first.' - Wednesday Addams

So what's in it for you?

[Dad50]

Thanks everyone. I think I am coming back from the precipice. Analyzing my own chronic need to protect their feelings and needs, knowing full well they don't give a PLEASE READ about ours. I think we, myself for sure, sometimes fall into that fantasy of what if and what could be and that is my own demon. I want to help them because I love them and want them to be happy. For them, it is completely transactional.  they come back because they need or want something. Nothing more, nothing less. It has always been transactional.

Thanks for all the reassurance

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks everyone. I think I am coming back from the precipice. Analyzing my own chronic need to protect their feelings and needs, knowing full well they don't give a PLEASE READ about ours. I think we, myself for sure, sometimes fall into that fantasy of what if and what could be and that is my own demon. I want to help them because I love them and want them to be happy. For them, it is completely transactional.  they come back because they need or want something. Nothing more, nothing less. It has always been transactional.

Thanks for all the reassurance

This is a fam here. We have your back. It's not a problem at all. One thing I want from you though D50...train yourself to think you don't owe anyone S . You can love and care about people always just as you do, but some people you have to do so from a distance and focus on YOU. It is not your responsibility to help them. 

Something I always explain...there are people I have cut ties with, but not because they were bad people, but they are/were bad for ME. It is important to make that distinction. Choosing to love and respect yourself above all is not selfish...it is smart and healthy.

Cheers and best wishes my friend.

-SC-

[Notwendy]

Glad you came to your senses. If you think of these types of relationships as addictive, then this email was her handing you a crack pipe...do not pick it up.

In addition, while it may have tugged at you a bit, and even if she has another agenda, it's basically asking you to assist with getting her elected- with nothing in it for you. She's using you for votes.

I don't find politics appealing at all, and usually, I'd not agree to such a request as I don't like to be involved in politics.  However a while back, a friend asked me to help with her campaign for a similar local position. I agreed to do it as I believed she was the best person for the position. She's also a genuine friend and I wanted to do it for her. So at the meeting- there was a room full of us. I was not the only volunteer she asked. Candidates can find plenty of support.

You are not the only one to get asked to help. Politicians want as many volunteers as possible. So here's one more reason to run, don't stop, don't look back from any contact with her. She doesn't need you and she's going to be fine without you, as she will ask a lot of people to help with her campaign and many will. She's not into you, she's into getting votes.

You have zero obligation to her. You finally have found a nice stable and lovely partner. She doesn't get to uproot that.

[SaltyDawg]

I concur with the others.  Do not answer the e-mail.  Treat it like you never saw it.

Now that you know her new e-mail address, set up a rule to send it to spam.  Also, tag it as spam so it will automatically go to your trash if she sends another one.

[AskingWhy]

Cluster B personality disorders like BPD and NPD "charm" (vacuum) or suck you into drama. You have likely experienced this with your BPD partner. 

Why rock the boat? You seem happy now and know healthy from sick relationships.

This seems like an attempt to charm you back into the drama.

[NotAHero]

So this place literally saved me about a year and a half ago. It helped me end the 6 year nightmare of a relationship. It has been about a year and half, but the recurring, obsessive thoughts were so hard to overcome. I quit drinking 25+ years ago, and quitting my BPD ex was 10 times harder. That chemical, visceral, magnetic pull is so tough. I have been no contact, blocking on  all social media, phones blocked, texts blocked, etc. I did leave my e-mai unblocked.

So, 1.5 years later, I get an e-mail. One of the things that we did as a couple as a shared value and activity was political activism. My ex is now running for city council representing the ward we both still live in. She e-mailed me asking for help to be a delegate for her as well as introducing her to my connections in the community.

Bear in mind, one of her threats when we were together is that if I ever broke up with her and tried to enter public service she would destroy my reputation. Now she is asking for my help. I don't want to be petty. Mainly I am a wimp about conflict and boundaries, which was always part of the problem. All of those stupid, obsessive thoughts are coming back.

Maybe she has changed. Maybe it was my fault. She is still super hot.

I am kind of a jack ass because I am in a committed relationship now with a relatively normal person. It has been a breath of fresh are. The woman I am with is wonderful. She has mental health issues but acknowledges them and gets weekly therapy and is not abusive. I feel terrible because my new girlfriend is a wonderful person I could spend a life with, but still achingly attracted to the woman who utterly destroyed my life. I had finally gotten rid of the obsessive ruminations. Ugggghhh

 The fact that you are wondering about what to do is an omen of the ill fate that awaits you if you do engage.

 

[Dad50]

A weekend of reflection and repeatedly reminding myself of the physical and psychological abuse certainly helped, and the responses here. This morning she asked if I would be her convention chair and help her through the process, and I said no!

[SaltyDawg]

I am proud of you for using the "no" tool.   

Before I knew what BPD was, I had trouble saying "no" as I was an incessant people pleaser - part of the caretaker type personality that I am.

[SinisterComplex]

A weekend of reflection and repeatedly reminding myself of the physical and psychological abuse certainly helped, and the responses here. This morning she asked if I would be her convention chair and help her through the process, and I said no!

Atta Boy. #bropound 

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[brighter future]

I agree with the others. Don't mess up the progress that you've made. It's not worth it. Like my counselor used to tell me about my ex in regards to her contacting me: "Ignore...ignore...ignore!" "Do not supply her with fodder for her personality disorders!" With the type of threats that your ex made to you the last time, I wouldn't even dignify what she said with a response.

Eventually my ex quit contacting me about a year ago (broke up in April 2020), but I ran into her this past Halloween while I was taking my child trick or treating. I had my new girlfriend with me at the time. My ex said hello to my child then looked at me and my ex like she'd seen a ghost. I said hello to be cordial and got a quick hello in return. After that she made a quick getaway, which I was glad about. She married a guy recently that she's recycled 2 or 3 times in addition to his twin brother years ago. I wish her no ill will, but she can go ahead and inflict her crazy on him. Apparently, he didn't learn from his past experiences with her.